Being single wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be. Well, it has never been a bad thing to begin with, but after years of being in a relationship, she was anxious of being alone again. Loneliness and the suffocating emptiness, she was slightly afraid. But again, being freed from the envious, hot-headed Kim Myungsoo has given her a new freedom to hang out with whoever she wanted to – boys and girls. But still, her heart felt as if it was chained to something she should have never chained her heart to.

A hundred and twenty three days, she counted. It has been a hundred and twenty three days since they broke up. She shouldn’t have counted it, yet she unconsciously kept track of the time. These days, the days would felt longer, yet there would be days where everything seems so short. She was on her own, for this long time, climbing the stairs and falling down. It was hard, nevertheless she survived. And now, there were more stairs to climb on her own, and a lot more risk to stumble down later. For a hundred and twenty three days, she has been climbing and stumbling on her own. It was hard, she has to admit, but all her life it has always been the case of struggling on her own.

It has been a long one hundred and twenty three days, and today it counted the twenty fourth. It has been a long journey of climbing up and stumbling down, of struggles, of desperation. She supposed it was about time for her to shine brightly and be happy. Yet for some reasons, aside from the fact that her heart was somehow chained to the improbability, she couldn’t felt happy. After a long struggle, countless less-successful albums, and some failure, she finally shot up. After her duet and her latest song ‘Good Day’, she eventually succeeded. Yet again, for some reason, she couldn’t feel happy.

And at times like this, at times when she couldn’t feel happy, at times when everything was heavy, at times when she felt like carrying the burden of the whole world, such a terrible feeling would come to haunt her. It was three past midnight, when she had just finished her long schedule, and a longer one awaits for the next morning. She couldn’t sleep, she simply felt lonely, for some unreasonable reasons. There was something suffocating about her and her lungs, that living seems to be a pain.

She has shot up, being one of the hottest rookies nowadays. However, she couldn’t felt love. Despite the trophies that she had received, reserving the vacant position in Inkigayo, and being complimented for her three-high-notes, she was still unhappy, she was not contented. Something seemed to be missing each time she received them, and she simply couldn’t figure it out.

Three hours past midnight, she realized it was no longer safe for her to be wandering around on day light. Paparazzi started to follow her around, that she kept wondering if stalkers are allowed nowadays. It wasn’t safe either, for her to be wandering around three in the morning, yet it was much better. A hundred and twenty three days without Kim Myungsoo, a hundred and twenty three days of struggling alone. What was she seeking for? With such a thought in mind, her legs brought her somewhere. At times like this, she’d feel lost.

 ***

She was lost; she didn’t know where she belong to. She had to admit, there were times when she regretted her decision of leaving the fashion industry to try her hands on entertainment. The entertainment industry, after all, could make someone like her feel lost. She didn’t know where to go, she was lost. Her legs brought her to a small alley, as she walked along it, under the dim street lights. She simply felt lonely.

She was on her way home, but truly home has never been home for her. It had always been such a strange place to her, despite the slight comfort it could give. But today, on her way home, she didn’t want to go. Her mind was saying those lonely words of not wanting to go home, questioning if such a thing called home truly existed. It was three in the morning, her body was aching, yet she didn’t want to go home. She simply walked along the small empty alley, with the dim street lights as her guidance.

Her footsteps slowed down, as she realized she was closer to home. She was being overly sensitive these days, she realized. Once again, she took a few steps backward, running away from home because it didn’t feel like one. It was a burdensome and tiring day. She kept going back and forth, unable to decide whether it was better to go home or stay outside for the night. Her legs were giving up on her, as she took a seat on an empty bench, beneath the tall street lights. She felt so small, so fragile, as if she was being looked down upon by the greater.

It was warm, yet she tightened her jacket. She felt cold, despite the warmth, the wind was so cold, eating her in a painful way. She kept feeling cold these days, the hot packs made her felt even lonelier. She realized she didn’t have anyone, not anymore. It was dangerous for her to be close to the INFINITE, and she had no one to hold on to. This world, did it turned colder, or was it her who turned weaker?

Four past midnight and she decided to go home. It was dark inside, the silence was suffocating her. It was cold, despite the heater being . Without any greetings, only a faint smile to greet the lovely maids, she stormed upstairs to her room. Silence. She was all alone in this huge mansion, all alone in her room. She lied on her bed; her hearts was somehow chained heavily. It was dark outside, as if the world has considered her to be an outcast. Why was she feeling this way? Again, she was being overly sensitive that she wished a rain would pour tonight.

***

“IU-ssi!” A man called, as she quickly turned her head to find whose voice it belonged to. A man, maybe two to three years older than her, followed by a younger-looking one was coming toward her, bringing her some gifts. Jonghyun, she silently whispered as she smiled. And Yoseob, she giggled.

“Jonghyun-ssi! Yoseob-ssi!” She called, walking towards the two. It was not until recently that the three became close.

Jonghyun was a great man; he was a caring guy and wise, understanding and kind-hearted. He was a man with a good heart, who shared the same hobby as Lee Ji Eun. Living a life as a soloist has caused her to love singing and composing even more. They often spent hours composing or talking about music. Jieun enjoyed talking to him a lot, although she had drawn a clear line of friendship, since her heart was still chained to the man of improbability. Last Valentine, Jieun received a chocolate from him, and she too gave one in return. She was very fond of him, in a friendly way.

While Yoseob, he claimed himself to be IU’s greatest fan boy of all time, which caught her attention. He’d create headlines due to his overreaction, although Jieun often found it embarrassing, she was thankful that she had such a great fan. Although he was her greatest fan, they were quite awkward. Lee Ji Eun wasn’t that sociable either, Cheondong and Jonghyun were the only two she managed to socialize with. Their incident a few weeks ago had caused them to be awkward and Yoseob would only meet her when another person was around.

“Your first anniversary on Inkigayo! Congratulations!” Jonghyun handed her a bouquet of lilies while dancing around. Jonghyun was an out-going and carefree guy, yet serious in time when needed. One point that Jieun liked about this guy.

“Thanks!” She cheerfully accepted it, trying to lose some tension by dancing around with him.

“IU-ssi, you’re up in 5!” The staff shouted. She quickly took a quick look at everything before fixing herself up. Jonghyun softly sighed as he gazed at her, his eyes were warm. He mouthed her to go, as she smiled in return.

“Good luck, IU!” He waved, “Will be waiting for you,” he murmured softly, to make sure no one could hear it. They were still rookies; scandals could cause a big deal of everything. She smiled, as she waved in return, walking away from them.