Did you know what I think connect us? It’s dream. Dreams are amusing. Dreams are – I believed – what connect us all. We all have different dreams; different paths to struggle upon. Still, it connects us. In the end of the day, we all chase after the same thing. We all chase after dreams. It’s amusing how we all have different dreams from each other, but it grew even more amusing when we all have the same dreams. The similarities and differences created the comfort where I grew, where I calm down, where I lean on others.

It makes our life meaningful. I, out of all the emptiness that surrounded me, found my dream. I dreamed to become a journalist. I worked through my whole life and struggled hard on my path, to be a journalist. My whole life has been to become a journalist, to achieve the dream I carved upon when I was seven. Chasing after dreams, I realized, can’t be struggle on my own. I was a fighter and I wanted to be a fighter forever. I wasn’t girly as Lee Ji Eun was. I was stubborn, boyish – a fighter, while Lee Ji Eun was wise and beautiful.

And we become very good friend. We were girls after all; friendship and love surrounded our teenage life. She supported me through the toughest and I supported her through the hardest. It was us, against the world. Two best friend against everything, against the changing circumstances, against the merciless world. It was us. As how love shouldn’t be regretted, dreams aren’t supposed to be regretted either, but it’s different when it came to friendship. Friendship is often the shadow of betrayal, but I… did not want to regret having Lee Ji Eun as my best friend.

When I found Yoo Seung Ho, I know he would become an important part of me. It was the first time I fell in love, he was my first love. I have never felt so spectacular before. When I was young, if love ever came to greet or chase after me, I’d push it away. Dreams. I plan my life so perfectly, so I’d achieve my dreams. Dream was important to me, and Seung Ho was as important as my dreams. I know he will be my temptation. I know he will be my guilty pleasure and that living without him might be impossible. I know and he became everything to me. Yoo Seung Ho almost becomes my dreams, but I was a fighter.

I was a fighter, so my dream would always be achievable. I was a fighter, so I will make sure the wrong be right and the right be wrong. I was a fighter. I was a tough fighter until today, until everything clearly fell apart.

Yoo Seung Ho was my life and my love; he was a part I didn’t want to regret, together with my dreams. But I know betrayal and heartbreak are shadows of love itself and I was prepared. I know how much losing and winning him cost me. And I know it would be hard to survive, but I will. I will survive, because I have Lee Ji Eun, my best friend. She was reliable and I know she would always be there for me. I was a fighter, a strong one. But as the saying goes: sometimes the stronger are actually the weakest.

And today, the fighter couldn’t stop crying.

Because I… had to make decisions out of my selfishness, both would hurt her as deeply as the other. Would my choice save her for the slightest bit? I know, my best friend was strong enough to handle such a matter. Still, I can’t. I can’t sacrifice her. I was telling myself not to, yet I did it. And all I did was crying.

And today, the fighter couldn’t stop crying.

***

I woke up in his warm embrace, but something weighed against my chest. The exhaustion was spreading inside me, mentally and physically. Seung Ho snored in his sleep, slowly spun, and I tried to adjust myself closer to him. His presence was comforting, but I know it wasn’t enough. I knew what was waiting would hurt me a lot and perhaps I might change forever. What I did was a big deal.

Seung Ho once again stirred in his sleep, blinking his eyes opened. I was already awake, but eyes remained close, trying to sleep for a little more, so I wouldn’t have to face the reality early in the morning. Then, once again, I was forced to open my eyes when he woke me up with a morning kiss. He kissed me on my cheek and the slight salty sensation irritated him. He groaned and spun, the day started badly for him.

I knew. He knew. He knew I was crying all night long, despite him being beside me the whole time. He knew I cried myself to sleep without telling him; and I knew how much I irritated him. He disliked it, when I tried to handle everything on my own. He wanted to own a piece of me, where we could share everything together. There were times when he wanted to be my everything, and I understand. Seung Ho looked at me with saddened eyes and I stared back with a bittersweet smile curving my lips. He didn’t want to snuggle anymore.

[Breaking] INFINITE L is dating!

The article I wrote the other day becomes a hot topic in less than 12 hours. It was all over the media, with my name written under it. I was guilty, eyes stuck on to my smartphone screen for hours, reading each and every article that I wrote about them. Yes, I know he is dating. He is dating Lee Ji Eun right now; still he was dating someone else before.

“Yeon,” Seung Ho called and snatch my phone away. Perhaps, it was his fifth time calling my name. My head was going blank for a moment or two. “Yeon-ah,” He settled beside me, dressed in a V-neck shirt and jeans. “Don’t think about it.” He whispered and kissed my forehead. There was no respond and Seung Ho understood.

“Seung Ho-ah,” I silently called out to him. I was hoping he could be my solace in silence. “I’m scared.”

He patted my head softly and the corner of his lips was tugged into a smile. It wasn’t his usual smug-smile, but something a lot softer and sincere. He ran his fingers through my hair and playfully played with my locks. Yoo Seung Ho always had magic in his hands; I shuddered underneath his alluring touches. He was trying to help me loosen up. A few seconds later, he pulled me to a breathtaking kiss; a kiss to wash all my insecurities away.

He knew and I knew; we both knew. I was about to cry and I know how much he hated it. I was about to cry again, and he knew how much I hated crying. He didn’t say a thing, even when I was sobbing and crying underneath the kiss. When he pulled away, he stared back at my red, puffy eyes.

“I know,” he said.

He didn’t know. He never knows. He never asked me what I was going through or why I was crying. He knew I would hate it, exposing a fragile side of me, when I am clearly a fighter. Fighters do not cry, do they? Yet each comforting words that came out from his lips comforts me. He knew how messed up I was, how I was feeling. He understood. And I was thankful.

“I have to go to work,” he stated and pulled me to another breathtaking kissed. I replied to his kisses, softly and temptingly. “But you’re staying home today,” He played with my locks and stared deeply and I could feel the electricity, something in my blood stung and frizzled in a good way, something in my body felt hot. “I called your boss. She’s a friend.”

I gave him a judging stare. He ruffled my hair for a while then hugged me, his breathe tickling my neck. “I didn’t sleep with her.” He snorted and shortly replied at me, waving his hand, and left the room without any word. He hated the fact that I often doubted him. I knew how the world worked for him, often by sleeping and seducing around, and I knew I wasn’t his first. He was too good for me to be his first. So, I knew.

There was a brief silence before I heard the door downstairs clicked closed. Seung Ho left and I was alone in the room, head spinning around, as my brain couldn’t stop thinking. Something painful and heavy still weigh against my chest. Seung Ho would have confiscated my phone, if I didn’t plead him not to. He knew I would cry, if I read those news. He knew I’d be hurt and I knew he wouldn’t want that. Still, I was persistent.

[Breaking] INFINITE L is dating!

I re-read the title over and over again and the pain doubled. Tears were forming in my eyes, the guilt was unbearable. What would Lee Ji Eun feel when she read all of this nonsense? I knew how fragile their relationship had been for the past few months, how they constantly struggled fight after fight, how they tried to keep everything intact, how they tried to bear the pain. I… Oh my, I landed a deadly blow at them. If they ever broke up, it would be my fault. If Lee Ji Eun cried, it would be my fault too. I… was the one at fault, I was the one to blame, and no one else.

When my phone buzzed a couple of time that morning, at least ten messages arrived. Ten messages, ten congratulatory messages that broke my heart more. It was the biggest hit of the century, with it involving the hottest boy band and the fashion industry hottest icon. I saved everything; I saved my lover, my job, and my dreams. I saved everything but my friendship. Was the sacrifice necessary? Did I deserve it? The congratulatory messages, it was selfish of me.

And when my phone buzzed again, it was Yoo Seung Ho who called. He knew I was most probably crying in my room, wailing. I was sobbing silently when he called, and I tried my best to sound normal, or else I would lose my phone for weeks. He’d just get back home, ditching his work, to take my phone away. He was that much caring and that harsh, which of course, can be very sweet at times.

“Seung Ho-ah,” he was slightly upset and I knew, his silence told it all. “I’m sorry.”

“I dated a few top models before. I slept with them a couple of times and broke up. I had a few one - night stands with some beginners and designers. I dated another bunch of designers and slept with them to save my career. And I also slept with a few journalists and a couple of others people.” He stated, it was the first time we talked about this and I was surprised. He wanted me to trust him. “I dated a lot of people before. I’m a player, remember?” He chuckled, but his laugh sounded bitter to me and I kept apologizing. “But I stopped.” He firmly stated, “Because you are more than enough for me.”

“Is it true?” I was rational and up-tight, but I also knew Yoo Seung Ho would someday become my strength and weakness. On days like this, it became completely true. “Is it true?”

“Yes. Yes, it’s true. So don’t cry without me by your side.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” He chuckled and it sounded so nice. “Stop crying.”

“I’m not crying.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Do you think I’m some weakling or something? I’m a strong person, I don’t cry.”

“But you are crying right now.” He desperately stated, as if he was pleading for me not to hurt myself. “Did you write anything wrong? Is any of it a lie? Is any of it not a fact?”

“I…” I gulped, “I didn’t write any lie or speculation. It was a complete truth and facts.”

“So, why are you crying?”

“I bet my best friend on it. I always thought I’d be okay even if you leave me, that I’d be okay being alone, as long as Jieun is here. But I just bet her on my dreams, selfishly. She must be hurting somewhere else while I’m receiving tons of congratulatory messages, new job offers, and promotions.” I cried. “What kind of person am I?”

“Park Jiyeon,” He stated and I fell in love with my own name. It was a name that I hated, but he made it sound so beautiful and perfect.

“Hm?”

“I’m in love with you and I’m not leaving you.”

“I know.”

“So don’t cry without me.”

“Okay.”

I’m sorry, Jieun-ah.

***

The call I received that afternoon came from a surprisingly unexpected person, and she surprisingly wanted to meet up with me. I was unwilling. I was unwilling to eat, unwilling to sleep, unwilling to cry, and unwilling to smile, I was simply unwilling – especially on meeting people. I was even unwilling on looking at my reflection. I must have looked terrible with puffy red eyes and messy hair, and I didn’t want to show anyone that side of me. I was strong and rebellious, persistent and often thick-headed, and for people to see this side of me on a good day like this… I wouldn’t let them.

But I agreed. I bet my best friend upon my career and sacrifice her, so I figured I should do something in return. I should meet up with her, to stop and ease my best friend pain. So, I did. It was a very private café downtown, an elite and expensive one, but also a perfect place to search for gossips.

This was an irony, how I always longed for a hot gossip, and how I always speculated based on facts and manipulated them. It was part of how I survived in this world, in my world. I protected my career and saved most of it, it was easy for me to search for gossip when Yoo Seung Ho was granted access to many places. It was prohibited for journalists to enter this café, but I was an exception. Being Yoo Seung Ho’s girlfriend could be quite convenient at times.

But this time, it hurt. It hurt because it wasn’t even a speculation. It hurt that it was a pure fact. It hurt that I knew it would be their downfall and I’d be their death. I couldn’t stand it this time. I protected my career, I received twice promotion, and my name reign twice recognition, so why was I not happy? Lee Ji Eun… Lee Ji Eun… she was my best friend. I was a fighter and she was a place where I can lean on. It hurt because it was truth.

I swore, if Lee Ji Eun grows old someday, she will still be as beautiful as ever. Sitting in front of me was an older version of Lee Ji Eun, with short hair and soft wrinkles at the corner of her eyes and on her forehead. Her skin looked so nice. For a woman in her early 50’s, she looked very beautiful, an exact version of Lee Ji Eun, only that she’s a lot older. They were so much alike, but also different at the same time. She has a very strong presence and powerful, she had a very strong aura that turns every head, while Lee Ji Eun has a very subtle and soft presence. It was comfortable to be around Lee Ji Eun, her subtle presence had been very favorable. Sitting in front of me was no other than Lee Ji Sook, the person behind all this mess.

What she drank was a cup of black coffee; I prefer something sweeter to boost my mood. If I drank something bitter, I might go home crying again and Seung Ho wouldn’t like it. When the older woman took a sipped and placed the mug back on the table, a soft ‘clank’ sound echoed. I nervously looked up to meet her eyes and I realized how different a mother and her daughter could be.

“I hope you don’t mind being called out today,” She flashed a smile but it wasn’t sincere at all. I flashed an awkward smile in return, to show her that I disagree. She shook her head and took another sipped, the clanking sound grew stronger. “On a good day like this, we should celebrate, shouldn’t we?”

Again, the guilt was so dark and engulfing that I feared it might swallow me. Her words pierced me exactly where my pain hides and it hurt. A question popped inside my mind, is she truly a mom? She should have known that she had hurt her own daughter on purpose, for her own selfishness.

When Lee Ji Sook’s sensed my discomfort, her eyes softened for a moment. She must have realized what might be spinning in my head, but then it didn’t stay long before she regained her composure, back to being as fearful as ever. “You don’t think so, do you?” I looked down and softly shook my head. “It’s a good day,” she stated, “You get what you want. You save your job, you save your job, you save your boyfriend, you even get promoted. It’s a good day for both of us.”

It sickened me, the way she acted. She was perfectly fine with everything. She wanted this and she was more than satisfied. She was wicked and I wanted her to stop being so wicked. “It’s not a good day for me.” I answered firmly that made her looked down and took another sipped, an empty laugh oozing out from . Then, it was all silence. I realized I hated her.

“Can… I… ask you a question?” I stated after ten minutes of silence. It was too tense, especially on a bad day like this. She smiled and muttered something unclear, then nods. “Why are you trying so hard to bring her down?”

She laughed. I saw something in her eyes softened for a second, and soon the coldness in her gaze melted away. It was the first time I ever saw her being so beautiful and subtle, less demanding and much more humane. She laughed again and continued to stare at her empty mug.

“Park Jiyeon-ssi,” She addressed me and her voice sounded softer than before. “Do you believe a mother will always protect her daughter?”

I nodded. “I do,” And I looked around before a sigh escaped my lips. It was a loud sigh that gained her attention. I am a fighter, I reminded myself again and again. I was breaking down inside. I might have given her what she wanted, she might have got what she wants, but there was no way she would leave unscratched. I will scratch her. “But looking at you makes me doubt it.”

She chuckled, lightly. The chuckle was so light that the guilty pleasure of scratching her rushed through me. The chuckle sounded so bittersweet that I knew I managed to scratch her. Memories of the unwanted were flashing back in her mind. Memories she would like to forget, memories that hurt so much. Again, she let a clicked sound echoed, taking another sip of her coffee, before placing the mug back on the wooden table. She could have broken it a couple of times, I knew. But she didn’t, perhaps because my words dwelled a little feelings she still had inside. At least, she still had some feelings. It hurt her. I knew she was hurt. But did I regret it? Not at all, I didn’t regret scratching her.

She smiled at me and it was bittersweet. I looked at her, gaze against gaze, each as strong as the other. I wouldn’t back down after I managed to shoot the bullet right throw her chest. I had nothing else to lose. I had lost everything. And she chuckled again, after a long silence, redoing her same routine of handling the anxiety. I didn’t know she was this anxious, this weak, and this obvious. I stared in nothingness, waiting for words to escape those lips, if she could handle her trembling fingers.

“Do you know how I and her father met?” She started and I lightly shook myself. She smiled again, wider than before, but more bitter. “Of course you wouldn’t.” She stated more to herself. “Every mother wants the best for their daughter. There’s no mistake in it. There’s no need for you to doubt it.” She started and I simply stared in nothingness, gazes turned blank, signaling her to continue. I didn’t like to be confused, to be oblivious. I wanted to know everything and she did what I wanted.

“I met him when we were in high school. He was very handsome and charming,” She laughed, as if she just made a fool out of herself. I knew she regretted it. “He was a playboy. He’s smart, he’s charming, he’s handsome, he has got good manners, but he was a playboy. In fact, he is a playboy.” Her fingers trailed the around her mug. “I fell for him. I loved him so much. I didn’t know I could love someone as much as I loved him. I didn’t know how blind and crazy love is, I never believe in them until I met him.”

The silence was deafening and the tense atmosphere pressured me. I was wondering about what she had in mind. She was the greatest of all times, one of the most powerful single mother, single woman that I ever knew. She might be one of the greatest in the world. Everything was more of flipping her hands to her. I also knew people would do everything to bring her down. Half of the world may admire her, but another half… they might hate her. What she told me could be written to articles, could be her downfall, so what made her think that she was safe?

“I was a young Lee Ji Eun at the time. We actually resembled each other a lot. I was a very talented designer with a bright future career. I was in talks for many designer positions in many places. I was a hard-working, independent, and talented young lady. I was smart and bright. I was everything but I was in love. In love is a weakness dear, for someone like us. I dated him and he dated me. He made countless fake promises and I listened to everything. I knew it was lies, often little white lies, often a bigger one, but what can I say? I was blinded.” She chuckled again, anxiety running up. “I married him; I dated him, knowing it would darkens my bright future career. I married him knowing he’d cheat on me someday. I married him knowing I would get hurt. I married him knowing I would be outdated. I married him knowing every single thing, yet I still married him. It was my biggest regret of all time: marrying him. And he cheated, he became that playboy, his good manner deteriorates and I didn’t even know who he was anymore, why I was so in love with him, why I married him, why I dated him. I didn’t know anymore. I thought I would be able to stand it, but I couldn’t.” She had tears in her eyes, tears that refused to trail down her cheek. She wanted to look strong, but I knew how broken she was.

“When I filed for a divorce, she may think our career was the reason behind it. It wasn’t.” She stared at me with a smile, hoping that I could relay the message to her daughters, but I wouldn’t. “I can’t stand him, but I didn’t want to lose him either. So I ran away, I worked so hard, I tried to do everything, so I didn’t have to be home, so I didn’t have to face him. Still, I couldn’t, so after running away, I filed for a divorce.” She looked down, lips trembling. Her fist was clenching and unclenching, showing her hesitant. “Park Jiyeon-ssi,” she called and it sent shivers down my spine. “I love both my daughters, but I was twenty-five, married, having a child, divorced, and hopeless. I was in so much agony, that I wasn’t ready to be married, to be someone’s wife, more in being a mother. So, I ran and I never… had the courage to face them. Day by day, I’d think on what to say when I finally met them. How to admit that such a strong woman is actually weak, that I ran away, that I love them, that I was afraid. Do you think they will buy any of it?” She laughed and shook her head. “No.”

“Then, why?” Curiosity killed the cat, I say.

“I knew that Pil Suk was bullied and Jieun was having a hard time. I would ask the principle to take care of them, but teenagers are dangerous.” She laughed, reminiscing her golden days, that made me wonder if my golden days was bright enough. “I tried to help them as much as I could, but I was still afraid. When I stopped sending them money, I knew Jieun must have been so worried. I was very sick at the time.” She lowered her clothes to show me the stiches on her chest. “Overworked,” she said and I simply nodded. “I want the best for her and I was famous for being dictator. I knew she was in love, she had so many friends, and I knew she would reject the offer for college. I didn’t want her to sacrifice her career for her love life, so I force her.”

“Mothers know the best for her daughters,” she stated again, and I stared back. “I tried to set up a marriage, because I knew what kind of person Kim Myungsoo-ssi is. He dated a model when Jieun was away, you could say I sent the model, still he gave in. He was so similar to Jieun’s father that I knew Jieun would keep on getting hurt. I heard rumors about my child, how she wouldn’t date her exes, but still she dated him after countless break up, I was worried. Wooyoung may not give her happiness, but he wouldn’t hurt her either. I don’t want my child to be suffering, I want her to be happy and I know Myungsoo wasn’t the man. They shouldn’t be together.” She ended her story with another sipped of the coffee. This time, the clicking sound was softer than before.

She was telling the truth, I realized. It was the truth and I didn’t disagree either. Kim Myungsoo might not be her best choice. So, I stood and spun my heels, ready to leave. I had scratched her enough.

…

…

But then….

“I don’t think Jieun would agree.” I stated so hot-headedly, and I didn’t even know where it came from. She stared at me with a soft smile, as if she agreed. “Being with Myungsoo might hurt her a lot, and being with Wooyoung may means forever living in content. But being with Wooyoung may also means she would never be happy. All we ever longed for from living, no matter how much you denied it, is happiness. So I think she needs to see it for herself to actually judge it.” When she smiled back, I flashed her a genuine smile and leave.

***

“Did you cry when I was away?” Seung Ho stood by my room’s front door, around midnight when I was awoken from my deep slumber. He was still nicely dressed in his photo-shoot costumes. He had lots of sponsored clothes and I wouldn’t even complain. He looked very good in every piece of it. I shook my head away with a smile and he ran to my sides. “Good girl. That’s my girl.” He had this habit of kissing me at every occasion. He leaned closer and pulled for another kiss. “My goodnights kiss.” I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I’m sleepy,” I smiled and snuggled closer to his broad figure, he lay next to me. “How’s the photo-shoot?”

“I met a lot of y models.” He smiled cheekily. “Lots of, lots of y models.” He grinned knowing how it got on my nerve so perfectly.

“Don’t you dare.” I glared at him, punching his chest roughly and he groaned.

“I love you,” He stated so easily, enjoying the sight of me showing different shades of pink. “We’ll be okay.” He pulled me closer and tangled our legs together. He had his arms firmly wrapped around my waist. I loved him when he comforts me.

I wondered if it was around two in the morning or three, but the front door was ringing so badly. Seung Ho was softly snoring beside me, still trapping me between his arms. He could be a heavy sleeper at times, but he would notice it if I slipped off. The bell was so loud and annoying that I couldn’t stand it anymore. I didn’t want to wake him up either, so I pulled the pillow to his chest, to fake my presence. Although I knew, if I didn’t return within ten minutes, he’d notice it immediately. I struggled to free myself from his strong grip and slipped off for the front door.

Standing at my doorstep was my biggest fear: Lee Ji Eun.

“Jiyeon-ah,” she stated.

Standing at my doorstep was my biggest fear: Lee Ji Eun. And I hated that smile on her face.

Author Note

Hello! Haven't greet you guys in a while, have I? I've been very busy lately, so I've been struggling to update! I'm so happy to finish this chapter haha. I tried something new this time around, a first person POV! Second person POV isn't my style (in fact I hate them, so no!) I hope you like this and enjoy this as much as you could because I struggled a lot! This is Jiyeon's POV so tell me what you think!

There's a lot of subbies and readers around... so please welcome and enjoy yourself! As always, I'm waiting for feedback!