She has never seen a stage that shines so brightly. She swears it was the brightest she has ever seen. It struck her hard. She couldn’t take her eyes off it; she stood frozen watching the way they danced, the way they sing, the way they sweat, the way the lights shine upon them. She was nervous, her fingertips were cold and she was frozen. Her heart was thumping in an outrageous way, yet it felt as if it was suffocating chained to the improbability. She had this mixed feelings of sadness, longings, proud, and happy. She was a step away from what she preferred to call the improbable, it was in her grasp, yet the improbable was infinity that she couldn’t grasp. Again, the feeling of being suffocatingly chained.

A hundred and forty-five days, the first Sunday of April, the thought of him passed through her mind for the first time in spring, where flowers bloomed. Hey, Kim Myungsoo, how have you been? She softly gazed at him, rather than a soft and beautiful gaze, it was such a painful gaze that could struck him hard. She wasn’t aware of it, the fact that her gaze could struck him. She was shocked, too shock to do anything. He, too, didn’t even spare a glance for her. She will never know, the way he will never knew.

A hundred and forty-five days and he has changed. Something about him changed, his aura changed. Lee Ji Eun has known him long enough and has missed him good enough – she chained her heart to him long enough – to take notice of the changes. Was it the way he smiled? He danced very coolly on stage, wearing such a mysterious expression that drawn the audience even more, as he danced in sync with the others. He became Kim Myungsoo, the ruthless and rebellious man she knew back in high school. He never smiled just countless smirks. And again, Lee Ji Eun couldn’t help but wonder why he had reverted back to the man she used to hate a lot.

“IU-ssi? IU-ssi?!” A man called as the stage quickly darkens. The lights went off and she could no longer see him.

“Kikwang-ssi,” she replied in return, her tone showed how she was slightly startled. She put on a fake smile, hiding her expression, hoping that the man didn’t noticed the “odd” that had just flowed through her.

“Are you okay?” Kikwang asked, she quickly nodded in respond so he wouldn’t notice her being odd. “We’re up in 5.” He quickly dragged her along to the stage.

She inhaled one deep breath, taking one last glance at the empty stage, then breathe out. She widened her lips to form what she often referred as professional smile. The show rolled with one thing on the back of her mind: how have you been, Kim Myungsoo? In which, she quickly pushed off with a much darker thoughts: there will be no next time.

***

“How’s work?” Jonghyun jumped out of nowhere, startling Jieun who has deep in her thoughts. He had two cups of lychee-flavored tea, which they both loved. He handed one to her, as she mouthed a thank you and smiled widely to show her gratitude.

“You scare me!” Jieun frowned, as she gratefully took the cup. She placed a hand on her chest, giving it a bit of “dramatic” touch.

“So it’s a no good?” Jonghyun leaned closer, making some silly face to cheer the younger woman.

“What?”

“Work.”

“Oh, it’s good.”

“The rookie did a well job just now.”

“I’m sorry but what?”

“The rookies just now… what was they called?... Infinite or something… they kinda did a great job for rookies.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You’re not going to congratulate them or something? You usually become a great sunbae for them.”

“Uh, yeah, maybe later.” She frowned inside, it was getting uncomfortable. “We’re just two years old! We’re not even a sunbae or something.”

“Oh, we will later.” Jonghyun grinned. “They’re not coming to thank you or something?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“IU, are you okay?”

“Uh, me? Well yeah. I got to go, see you around.” She walked away without a word, and Jonghyun knew something was wrong. He knew it wasn’t right to confront her. Maybe, he should keep it to himself.

She walked away without a word and she knew Jonghyun would have noticed how strange she has become. She couldn’t help it; lots were going through her mind, that she was afraid she might bump herself to a wall upfront. It was still haunting her, the feeling that came rushing when she found the word “INFINITE” written on her script. Her schedule was packed today, that she could not review her script beforehand.

She remembered the only name that flashed through her mind every now and then: Kim Myungsoo. Her hands turned cold, wondering if she could do the interview well, or at least the introduction. She was relieved that they didn’t decide to hold an interview. She tried hard to keep her lips wide and curving upward, creating one of those pro smile. Will it be burdensome? She did not wish for it to be burdensome, now and in the future. They would pass by each other every now and then, she could only hope it wouldn’t be burdensome.

Or had she always been burdensome? It was clear, the reason why they broke up and why Lee Ji Eun had to distance herself from the INFINITE, because she could cause a great deal of scandal. She will become a burden. She felt bad, suddenly, when she realized how burdensome she could be. She felt bad, suddenly, when she wondered if she had always been that much burdensome to others. Had she always been burdensome?

She breathed in and breathed out steadily, inhaling deep breathes and exhaling an even longer one. She wanted to make sure she was still breathing and alive. She almost chocked on her own breath just now, one of the feelings that rushed through her when she found the too familiar word on her script. She held it all in and without realizing she turned pale because of it. She put a hand over her chest to make sure her heart was working well, so does her lungs. Just now, they weren’t working well at all. Kim Myungsoo, such a big shocked on a peaceful sunny day.

She silently searched for their waiting room, hoping she could catch a glimpse of each and every one of them. And most of all, she wanted to catch a glimpse of her beloved Kim Myungsoo. Should she bring something along with her as a gift? But again, she was afraid it would be too much. She didn’t want to make things even harder. A hundred and forty-five days was hard enough.

Kim Myungsoo, how have you been?

***

He saw her and he couldn’t help but to once again chained his heart to her. He lost counts of days or rather he stopped looking forward to a brand new days and he no longer wished to reminisce the past. The past shall remain as a past, as the future shall always be unpredictable. It became his life motto, he didn’t want to get hurt, he didn’t want to remember having her in his life. In the end of the day, they were trapped in an endless cycle of hurt and hurting that suffocated both of them.

He saw her after a real long time that felt like ages, she grew even more of a charmer. She looked lovely with her hair tied as a bun and floral-pattern dress that fall down her knee, she looked fresh and charming. She became the Lee Ji Eun he had never known before, a new side that he wished he could have witnessed.

He realized how breaking up with him has caused a great effect on her. She could hang out with whoever she wants without much thought in mind. He had been keeping an eye on her, she hang a lot with male idols, Kim Jonghyun, Beast, and some others male idols out there. Kim Myungsoo has to admit that he considered himself as a very handsome and attractive male, a bit arrogant, but it was reality. Yet this was the first time he ever felt nervous, those male were cooler, successful, and charming. He was nothing compared to them.

Has it been four or five months since they broke up? He didn’t remember, in fact he couldn’t bring himself to remember. It hurt, the fact that they have been away from each other for so long. But again, she looked so happy. She looked so happy, so lovely. He was watching her from a far, taking secret glances every now and then. She jumped around with other man, other people, her smile was so genuine. He wondered why she has never smiled that beautifully in front of him? Has he always been that upsetting? Has he always been hurting her? Has he been that much pain? Why did they have to be trapped in this endless cycle of hurt and hurting? Hurting her silently hurt him too.

A few months ago, Lee Ji Eun was still the same woman, the woman he knew, she was in his reach, so close yet so far. But now, she was such a big star, loved by many and owned by many. He was late. It seemed she has transformed back to the Lee Ji Eun he knew back in high school, the beautiful woman who was loved by many, talented, and definitely charming whom he fall so hard for. He couldn’t reach her, she was out of his reach, yet he tamed her. But, will he be able to tame her this time?

Lee Ji Eun, how have you been?

***

“We did it,” Sunggyu broke the silence; they were still gasping after their debut stage. It was thrilling and to Kim Myungsoo it was a scary stage. She was there, eyes to him, and it struck him hard.

“Yeah, we did it,” Hoya smiled.

“We did it!” They all cheered. They did it.

Myungsoo silently cheered, with a bittersweet smile curving up his lips. They knew, of course they knew what have been going in and out of his mind. It was her. They, too, managed to catch a glimpse of Lee Ji Eun, who has become a great star over the months, and again she became untamed. IU. IU. The name was familiar to Hoya, yet to call it out loud strangled his tongue.

“Don’t you want to go and see her?” Woohyun took the initiative to cheer the younger one. Sunggyu nodded in agreement, he thought once in a while wouldn’t be so bad.

“See her? How long has it been since we ended? I don’t have the rights.” Myungsoo buried his face in his scrunched up shoulder.

“Go, see her.” Sunggyu tapped his shoulder, encouraging him to go and see his woman.

“I can’t.”

“You can.”

***

He saw her and his heart reacted to her presence. Did she see him? He didn’t think so. She was so deep in her thoughts and seemed to be in a hurry. He had to hold back his urges, simply to pull her to his embrace and buried his face in the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent as she sweetly called out to him. But that was simply a dream upon the stars, the improbable. He missed her, he couldn’t deny it. He has chained himself to her, the way she chained herself to him.

It took him quite a while to regain his composure and walked back to their waiting room. The room was small, barely able to hold seven people inside. They should bear with it, they were rookies after all. At least, he hoped Jieun could get a bigger one, as she was one of the hottest stars. When he returned, the members were busy gathering around a big box, trying to figure out what was inside.

“Hyung! We got a present from someone!” Sungjong cheered happily. “We must have done a great job.”

Myungsoo walked closer to take a peek of what’s inside. It was cookies and some unique stuff. Each of members name were found on a plastic bag with various things that fit each and their own taste. Myungsoo received an iPod with some cookies. The sender was remained unknown but he knew better who it came from. Lee Ji Eun, how have you been? 

She saw him, but remained silent. She hoped her gift wouldn’t be too much.