This is getting tiring, she told herself over and over again. It was tiring indeed, everything was tiring. She just wanted to stop, to break away from everything. She felt heavy, her heart was somehow chained, her lungs were suffocating. She did not know why and she too wasn’t willing to figure the reason behind them. She heaved another heavy sigh, it sounded so burdensome and heavy – spreading through the empty room. She lifelessly lied on her bed, she was restless.

“This is getting tiring, Kim Myungsoo.” She whispered to herself. “This is truly tiring.” She pressed her lips and inhales deeply. She was hurting, yet rather than suffering an engulfing pain, it was the burdensome feeling, the mixed feelings she couldn’t figure.

Breaking up, then making up later on, the push and pull relationship they had been trapped in, will it continue being this way? Was it truly an endless cycle of hurt and hurting? She used to be the one who hurts him and he used to be the one who was hurting, and now it was the opposite. She was hurting, but was he simply hurt her or was he also hurting? She wondered, but she has wondered enough.

Why did they become this way? Back in their high school days, the sweet moments, the fight, the game, the everything, and he meant so much more. Why was she losing the reason, the meaning behind everything? She sighed, flipping through pages of a fashion magazine, her eyes scanned through nothing as her thoughts flee somewhere else.

“Us… breaking up and making up again…” Tug of war, she murmurs silently. A push and pull, she realized it has been this way ever since high school. It got better within time, yet nothing has truly changed. It was still the same suffocating relationship, that chained both of them, yet within the suffocation, she found hints of happiness. Again, why is that?

She closed her eyes, her mind felt heavy. “Next time… Kim Myungsoo… next time…” she heaved a burdensome sigh. “There won’t be a next time.” She has had enough. Was he truly the right man?

***

Maybe, they actually were well-aware of the reason behind their tug-of-war relationship. Maybe because the thought of revenge and the hateful grudge they used to hold against each other was what have brought them together, that they ended up being in such relationship. She was sinned toward him, as how she hurt his little sister. He was sinned toward her, as how he caused her to suffer for years and months. And again, this time they were sinned toward each other, of how many times she tried to break apart, of how many times he neglected her, of how many times they have broken up.

She was walking toward the vast green field, where she could meet his little sister for one last time, Kim Luna. She was dressed in black attires, holding a bouquet of white roses. Her fingertips were cold, she was tired. She hasn’t stopped thinking ever since they broken up. Her feet stopped when her eyes found a beautiful name. She kneeled down, placing the bouquet of rose on top of it, as she squatted next to the stone.

“I don’t think I can come here anymore. It will too hard for me and hard for you brother, too.” She smiled, pulling the wild grasses. “We broke up. I thought I was prepared, but I was not.” She looked down, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt your brother.”

There were no answer, but it was satisfying. She smiled though, her beautiful faint smile never faded. “Rest well. Live well. Be happy, Luna-ah. Here I am, trying to be happy, silently wishing for the best for your brother and you. I can’t be by his side anymore.” She looked up, “we broke up. It was tiring and I don’t think… I could give us another chance, dear.”

Why couldn’t we be together? Why can’t we live happily? Why can’t we just love? She would wonder about that stuff from time to time, to find the answer crystal clear. Maybe they weren’t meant for each other or maybe they weren’t ready. There was too much obstacle between them.

“Goodbye, Luna-ah,” She got up, preparing herself to leave.

Today, too, it rains.

***

It was pouring and she did not how she could go home. She was walking all the way down here, and here she was at the nearest bus stop. It was an old bus stop, no longer used. She simply needed a shelter, to keep herself from soaking wet. It wasn’t that far away from the grave; she could still see them from a far. Jieun was slightly scared, nevertheless, she managed to push off those unnecessary feeling.

Yet one figure managed to catch her attention. He was small, quite tall, but rather slim. He didn’t own a well-built body like Hoya or Woohyun, not even close to Dongwoo, he was skinny. Sunggyu, it was Kim Sunggyu, with his black umbrella and a bouquet of flower. She knew he was visiting someone.

“Sunggyu-ssi,” She walked up to him, calling out to his name, as she startled him. He widens his eyes on her, although they still looked small. Jieun chuckled at the unnecessary thought.

“Jieun? What are you doing here?” He coughed awkwardly, as he bowed to greet her politely.

“Luna,” she mouthed, then he nodded. “You?” Jieun shortly asked, wondering if it was the right time because he seemed slightly sad. No, it must be sad. Even she was sad, each time she came to visit Luna, the heartbreaking feeling didn’t change.

“Someone, just someone.” He murmured, as he placed the flowers. Jieun could see a feminine name being written on it, who was she? She was sure it wasn’t any member of his family; they didn’t share the same surname. Then, was it someone he knew or someone he love? A moment or two was filled with silence and Jieun remained frozen. She knew it will be a lot better to keep silent.

“Do you know why I decided to join the INFINITE and the reason behind me sleeping with countless women?” Sunggyu asked, “I broke lots of woman hearts, but they seemed to cling on me even more,” he scoffed, “how annoying,”

“She was… a precious woman to me,” he soften, his eyes reflected a pure feeling of love yet it was painful. “We dated for a short while, knowing how dangerous and threatening I could be. Oh, come on! Which woman wanted to date someone like me? I was… rebellious!” He was blaming himself. “We’re out on a date, me riding a motorcycle, knowing how dangerous we are… and…” He swallowed, “it was an accident, but I…”

She kept silent, knowing why he has come to this place today. He must have known how they eventually broke up after the contract was made. He must felt as if he, too, needed to let go of her. Jieun lightly tapped his shoulder, before withdrawing her touch. He did not need comfort; at times she learnt how comfort could actually be painful.

“I think I need to find someone like you, Jieun-ssi,” He stated with a painful faint smile after the long silence, “the way Kim Myungsoo find you, Jieun.”

The way Kim Myungsoo found me, how?

***

“I’m sorry,” Sunggyu stated, regretting half of what he had just said. The rain was still slightly pouring; they were both soaked in cold water. “I know what happen between you and him,” He sighed, handing her a cup of warm coffee. “I’m sorry it had to happen, moreover, it is for us.”

“I… I appreciated what he decides. It has been this way to begin with, a tug-of-war-like relationship.” Jieun fake a smiled, then looked up to meet the man’s tiny pair of eyes, “Dating ban, does that mean I should distant myself from all of you? No more visiting… no more hang out… no more presents…”

“Yeah,”

“Then, tell them my last sincere regards.”

“Lee Ji Eun,”

“Yeah?”

“We all like you,”

***

Park Jiyeon has just flown back home this morning, after a long trip in France, partly for her job although it was another excuse to be able to stay by Seung Ho side a bit longer. He was a model, he travel a lot, while she was a journalist, so they both travel quite a lot. Jiyeon was thankful she could write not only for the gossip column but also for the fashion and some other reviews.

However, it didn’t take the former Gossip Queen a long time (as expected) to find the news of her best friend breaking up for the third time. Jiyeon was tired of hearing the news, but still she knew something bad must have happened. They always broke up with a clear reason and often it forced them to take a crucial decision at crucial moments. But this time, since it was their third time, Park Jiyeon could actually guess that the word “next time” may not exist anymore.

“Jieun-ah!” She immediately pulled her best friend to a hug, when Lee Ji Eun opened the door for her. “I heard what happen. I’m so sorry.” Jieun softly sighed, and then she continued. “Are you okay?”

Jieun sigh softly, as she smiled, welcoming the returned of her best friend. She smiled, and then nodded to signal she was fine or at least she will be. “I’m fine. How’s Seung Ho?”

“Oh, you’re asking about that jerk? Come on, Jieun! It should be you!”

“Did you two fight again?”

“Oh, dear! You should have seen how flirty he was with that beautiful model. I complained and he told me…” she rolled her eyes, mimicking her boyfriend expression, “we’re supposed to be professional, love. Aren’t you a pro?” She stomped her feet, “that ridiculous one crazy bastard!”

“You two… keep on fighting and making up. Your relationship seemed to be so much fun, Jiyeon.” She smiled, as she led her inside.

“Enough of my story, what happen?”

“Dating ban,”

“That jerk! Oh, that name again that keeps on bothering me!” Jiyeon frowned, “Seung Ho used to have one. That’s why we didn’t date for a long time already.”

“He got one and I think the INFINITE were hanging their life on him. He couldn’t have done anything.”

“Oh, poor you.” Jiyeon embraced her best friend once again, “You’re going to be okay, Jieunnie. Girls day out?” She grinned, as her best friend grinned back.

“Girls day out, Jiyeonnie.”

***

“Are you happy?” His expression was dark, clearly reflecting all the pain he had been hiding for the past few days. It wasn’t that typical high-school broken hearts, where people often starved themselves or cry for hours. He was a man with a broken heart; he was no longer a boy with a broken heart. It was the difference. Rather than crying or mourning, starving himself or trying to do various stupid things (including claiming he couldn’t live without her), he constantly heaved a heavy sigh. It was a burdensome sigh.

He came back drunk last night, stumbling on his steps, murmuring some unclear words, and then suddenly cursing before helplessly calling out her name. The INFINITE simply sighed, as he was knocked down a few minutes after arriving back to the dorm. They were guilty, but was it truly their mistake?

“I broke up with Jieun, is that all you need? Is there anything else? Would you like to take control of my life as well? What’s next? You won’t let me smile; I’ll have to keep on having this poker face? Yeah?” He scoffed. The INFINITE remain silent, they knew how much Lee Ji Eun meant to him and the fact that there won’t be another next time… he must have been hurt.

“Yeah, completely true,” A new unfamiliar voice crashed itself to the conversation. He had the typical deep voice; the owner must have been old and harsh. Seven pair of eyes suddenly stared at the owner, as Myungsoo expression darken. “You’re L, the Death Note. How can you be smiling? Don’t ever wish you could laugh or smile on camera. Dorm will be the only place where you could smile and laugh whole heartedly.”

“I guess… this is what you want from the beginning,” he scoffed, walking away from the crowd. He hated it. Why did he sign up for this to begin with? What will he achieved in the end? He should have listened to her.

It was the last day he smiled.

***

“Jieun-ah,” he called and she couldn’t help but to hate his tone of voice. Where this conversation would ends? Would it be another endless sorry? She knew that they had known this was coming long ago, the fact that Kim Myungsoo and Lee Ji Eun may have to break up once again. Nevertheless, they still forced him. She was tired of people being sorry over what has happened, of them breaking up, and what annoyed her the most was the fact that they are not at fault. She didn’t blame them, yet they keep saying sorry. It was his and her fault, simply their own problem, yet why did people keep on being sorry?

“I heard about it,” he gently said as she softly sighed, “are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think I am or at least I will be after…. couple of days. I just need a bit more time.” She couldn’t lie to this man, so maybe it was better to spill everything out rather than being dig by this man.

“I know. I know, Jieun. Just take your time,” he said gently, “but Jieun… if it was me, I’d have – “he murmured lowly, partly not to hurt her, but mostly it was to show how much of a better man he could be.

“Stop it, Woohyun,” she frowned, her voice sounded tired. “Stop it.”

“Lee Ji Eun, I’ve never persuaded him to join us because I know this is coming. I care a lot about you; I never want you to get hurt.” He stated, she once again sighed after his statement. She never believed in love, yet Kim Myungsoo made her believe and now that she has fallen, she fell the deepest among them all.

“I know, Woohyun. I know.”Jieun stated, trying to keep the conversation flowing for a little while before cutting off the connection.

There were two reasons of why Lee Ji Eun was against the idea of Myungsoo joining the others to the entertainment industry. Firstly, she was afraid he might stumble. He was a man with a dream and clearly he had drawn the line – photography. She never knew whether it was his true dream or simply something he enjoyed a lot, he looked happy. But again, she was afraid he was going to be pushed off his dream to walk on a path where everything was filled with uncertainty and temporary. And she was a woman, too. She was afraid, if he ever chased through the path, he might have to leave her side. 

But now dear, it has happened. And she was running out of it, the patience and endurance for a next time.