She has gotten better a few weeks later, although the horrifying dreams still occurred every now and then. Nevertheless, she was all better. Her agency called her back to discuss plans for her upcoming albums, reviewing songs and reevaluating the previous one, and of course evaluating other stuff. They were making sure that this upcoming album won’t be another flunk. And also, there were some songs at request for her to sing. She has started to become busier and it was a good thing.

Being ordinary was quite comfortable, she could flee on the streets without creating any ruckus or articles on the internet. She could dropped off at houses without weird rumors popping up out of the blue. She died down, and it was nice. It felt as a great deal of fresh air and she liked it. It was a brand new start.

While she was given breaks (although most likely she was on fire), she kept on coming to the INFINITE every now and then. Myungsoo seems pleased. The INFINITE kept on getting injured and she kept on treating them. Sungyeol was in a bad shape after twisting his ankle, Sungjong was lacking rest, Sunggyu caught a cold, Hoya got some quite serious injury after practicing their dance, Dongwoo caught a fever, and Woohyun seems to be unwell. Myungsoo was okay, but Jieun couldn’t help but grew worried. She was anxious if he was going to be the next person injured. She pushed the worrisome thoughts away, telling him to be careful every now and then. She would show him a brilliant smile, simply to cheer on him.

And today, it all came to her, the scary thoughts all at once, hitting her hard. She had just woken up this morning, eating freshly baked bread in the morning, and taking a fresh bath. It was all good, too good that she grew worried something bad was going to happen very soon. It was all good, until her phone rang around 10 o’clock. She almost cursed out (she recently had a temper due to lack of sleep), but immediately swallowed them when she saw his name blinking on the screen.

“Let’s talk,”

Why did he say something like that? Why was he saying such a thing? She wondered, again and again. She was anxious, it creep up to her as how a cancer would, engulfing her bit by bit, in the slowest yet painful way. Those words were short and she found none of them to be a mistake. It shouldn't have hurt her that much, but in the end it hurt. She wondered why. Was it her being too sensitive or was it an instinct of something bad happening? Dear, she was too tired to think.

But again, she kept wondering why he was saying such a scary thing. Let's talk, the words weren't something to be afraid of, yet it was eating her up. Her lips were sealed away, as she became well-aware of her surroundings. After letting out those words, he wasn't daring enough to let out another one, or he wasn't willing to talk anymore. He let the pure silence filled the line, creating an unbreakable tension between the two. She hated it, the way he became so silence that she became too aware of her surroundings. Too, after all, have never been her favorite words. She wanted to respond, but simply couldn't. The reality hits her hard, as she found something wrong in his tone of voice. Again, questions started to pop in her mind. The pure silence and also tension, in the end, welcome tons of emptiness, loneliness, and anxiety. She suddenly asked herself, something she should have asked, she wondered if the world has always been spinning while she stood fragile on her own. Has it always been this cruel? She was too aware indeed.

Yes, she wanted to confront him. She wanted to ask his reasons for saying such a scary thing early in the morning. Let's talk, somehow it brought insecurity upon her. Somehow, each time she heard something sounded similar to those words, something bad always came around. But, again, she couldn't. She was left frozen as if she stopped breathing, as if the world stops spinning, as if she wasn't alive anymore. What taken her by surprise, perhaps, wasn't those words that he said but rather the way he said those words. It was deep and serious, rather cold and emotionless. She would not have questioned his motive if it was one of the old days, since he was a rebel and ruthless man indeed. But now, the Kim Myungsoo she knew wasn't the cold and heartless man. He was a man that meets more than the eyes, as how she was a woman that meets more than the eyes.

She wasn't able to confront him, nor did he give her the chance to do so. The line was cut off, as the silence was quickly replaced by the beeping sound, signaling the conversation has officially ended. She breathed in, as the beeping sound seems to have sent electricity down her body that she could come back to life. She forgot how to breath for a second, she simply freeze that she wondered if her heart stop beating for a while. Those words just now were cold and emotionless. She knew –out of instinct and the fact that they have known and dated each other over years – that something has gone wrong. And she knew it was even worse.

He was a cold and rutheless man, a rebel and threats to other people well-being. But then, he welcomed her to his life and he became a rather sweet and stubborn one, rather clumsy and silly. He was hard to read, but not that hard to understand. To her, he was an interesting and complicated man that drew more interest and attention, as she grew to like him more. Their long-distanced relationship often forced them into complicated situations; things are often unconveyed but understood. She learnt how to understand him, how to pierce through his facade and embraced him during his weakest and strongest time. He, too, despite often being ignorant, has become an understanding person who would understand her almost at all time. She was pleased, but at times like this, when she simply couldn't understand a thing, she'd be scared. She has never asked because it was rarely necessary. But at times like this, would it be necessary?

Something has gone wrong, she concluded.

It was enough for her, to know what she would have to do next. She'd have to run to him. She may not be able to know what he was hiding or what was it that caused him to be so cold, but she knew he wanted to open up to her.  The silence that temporarily filled the air was his attempt on telling her, yet none of them was strong enough to brace themselves and let out a word or two. What has caused him to fall to such a weak state? She wondered, but she knew she has been thinking for too much. Snatching her bags and grabbing her phone, she quickly ran out of her luxurious mansion, to where she belong to, to where she's supposed to be, to where she's need. To Kim Myungsoo.

***

Nothing has changed, she realized some things took changes too quickly while some others never changes. It was something that she recently learnt - she despises changes but some changes are needed. However, she did wonder why the changes never took at the right time, for the right thing. Changes, somehow, they always took her by surprised and surprises weren't something that she was fond of. Nothing has changed; the thought of it caused a bittersweet smile to appear upon her lips. Even after weeks, months, and years, nothing has changed. It was still the less-luxurious mansion, yet colder. It looked as if it has never been settled for the past few months, but Lee Ji Eun knew better.

She gently knocked on the door, although she wondered why she has made her way to this place. He has moved away for quite some time, to the INFINITE's dorm. But again, there were much difference between him and her, but also much similarity. He'd seek for silence as comfort, she'd too. He'd seek for loneliness, she'd too. He'd like to hide, and she'd too. And maybe it was their reason for dating, little things to complete each other. But has it always been that way? She wondered and she kept wondering. She was taken by surprise, once more, when a maid opened the door for her. She flashed a smile as she rushed inside.

"Myung... Myungsoo." She gently called out his name, although it was more likely to be a whisper. It was soft and barely audible; she doubted he could heard her. Nevertheless, he was aware of her presence. Her scent and her warmth was overwhelming. After all, they have been together for years. But again, what was the point of it? Questions and answers, two things that have never come as a packaged.

He was lying on the couch, an arm covering his face, hiding the expression he's been having. Was he troubled? Was he upset? Was he sick or was he simply tired? Truthfully, she did not know and she was afraid to be asking him. She settled herself next to her, staying in silence as she too was at loss for words. It has been long since she last saw Myungsoo breaking down. Lately, it has always been a romantic and sweet, stubborn and silly Kim Myungsoo. It was stupid of her to forget the fact that all of them are human, who breaks every now and then, going through the ups and downs of life.

He didn't respond, he remained still to his state. He didn't look up or even greeted her. He was frustrated and Lee Ji Eun understood. He gulped, wondering what should he said to her, he was at loss. He was desperate; he reached for her hands, as he intertwined their fingers together. He held her hand tight, as if he was afraid to let go of her, as if she'd be gone. His hand was big and cold rather than the typical warmness it usually had. Was it somehow connected to him and his thoughts right now? Hers, too, was small and cold, causing it to felt a bit more fragile than usual. If he held on tight, will she break? It was scary, but still he held her tightly.

***

He didn’t know how to bring it up upon her, but most of all, he couldn’t even bring himself to face the reality. Could this, for once, please be a dream? He asked again and again for the reality to stand clearer in front of him. It was suffocating, as if his heart was chained. Was he breathing well? His lungs were desperate for air, he needed them. He could smell her scent, what once was his everything, but now it suffocated him. Why? Because it hurts.

He couldn’t face her. He swore he was a coward, a heartbreaker, a weak man. He couldn’t protect what was precious and ended up losing everything. Again, he has always been the weak one, as she became the stronger one. Isn’t he a man and she a woman? What kind of expression he should be wearing at times like this? None seems to be fitting.

Her hands were cold, even her fingertips were freezing. Was it freezing outside? Was it snowing? Dear, he couldn’t even care. His hands were cold too, sweaty and nervous. His chest was pounding heart to an extent that it hurt so much. She was here and it should have been able to comfort him. Instead, her presence was ruining his mask. It drove her insane.

He gulped down, breathing the suffocating air to ease the tension. He felt so small, so weak – a coward. He couldn’t say a thing but to hold on to her. He knew she could feel it, the fact that something has gone wrong. He didn’t even know why it happened, he kept questioning why only to be even more confused. His grip was strong yet hesitant, he knew she was anxious.

“Jieun-ah, do you have a dating ban?” How do you say goodbye to someone?

***

She was taken aback, but soon she knew where this conversation will eventually lead to. He wouldn’t expose himself to her, so she silently shook her head. She bit her lower lips, wondering why it felt so wrong yet so true. She pressed her lips, smiling bitterly, as if she knew this was coming. She lost her voice somehow, seems to be sore, unwilling to let out any sound.

“I do, Jieun. I do.” He said. Something in his voice marked him being regretful about it, it and the decisions he has made along the way. Life, after all, is results of decision made along the way. “What am I going to do?” He asked her. It was a question she could do nothing about.

“I… do not have one,” she said, short. “You’ve gone this far, Kim Myungsoo. What are you going to do? What are we going to do?” She stated, exposing her thoughts to the man who have been hiding his expression.

“I’ve gone this far, Lee Ji Eun. I’ve gone this far.” He repeated after her words. “What would you do?” He abruptly stood up, leaving her surprised, as he entre his room with no words. She quickly followed him, to found how pale he turns out to be. How much pain are we hiding from each other.

“Myungsoo, are you sick?” She tried to reach for his head, whether he was having a temperature. He was murmuring some nonsense, some which were slightly too fast and too much to digest, and even too sudden. Maybe part of her wanted to believe it was not true, even when reality was in front of her. Once again, has the realistic Lee Ji Eun turns naïve?

Instead of reaching him to check on his temperature, she was pulled to his embrace. She forgot the fact that he was a man, indeed, he was stronger. He pulled her by the waist, bumping her to the bed, as he claimed her in his embrace. She remained frozen for a while, shocked by the sudden skin ship and acts. It has been a while, even holding hands have been a while. He didn’t let her face him, she knew it would be too much. But why are they hiding things from each other.

“I… I was offered the contract and reviews before joining. I’ve known almost everything on being a celebrity. I’ve read the contract before while you… you were offered the chance then the contract. You didn’t know, Myungsoo.” She sighed, enclosing the distant. She tried to face him, but he forced her to stay where she was. “But… I’ve ditched you before, Myungsoo. I’ve ditched you for my whole studying and career thing. I’ve ditched you.”

“You weren’t ditching me. It was your mom; it was you protecting us at home.” Her words weren’t comforting, he was quite offended. “But I… I’m going to ditch you. I’m dumping you. I’m a bad guy, Jieun. Why do I have to hurt you?”

Is it an endless cycle of hurt and hurting? They both wondered amidst the silence.

***

Hours were spent in silence. Again, feelings remained unconveyed. It was him and her, sharing the same bad, with her in his embrace. She supposed Jiyeon would have squealed around, finding it romantic and comforting, but Jieun found it to be rather uncomfortable. Was it due to the fact that they are both breaking up? She was completely oblivious to what Kim Myungsoo had been doing for the past hours, all she knew was his breathing turning steady and his burning skin against her colder one. It was dark outside and Jieun was still wandering with thoughts filling her mind. Was he, perhaps, thinking about the same thing?

“Myungsoo… Myungsoo…” She called, twice and another one, until he eventually responds with a low mumbling noise. She couldn’t figure what he had said, but she thought it was something about staying with him. All she could recall was how his grip tightens around her. He hasn’t even let go of her once.

“Just for tonight, Jieun. Just for tonight, please stay with me,” He pulled her even closer, but again he wouldn’t let her see him.

“But Myungsoo, I’m not –“

“I wouldn’t do anything tonight, I promise. I wouldn’t do anything. Just stay with me,” He pleaded and she gave in. She wasn’t a woman with no principles; she was a woman with a heart. Soon, she felt his breathing turning steady, signaling that he’s asleep, but his grip on her was still strong. She eventually gave in, sleeping next to him, with one thought left in the back of her mind: this will be the last.