He held her close, closer than they have ever been, and tighter as if they would lose each other. He held her close, to make sure she was there, next to him, and she’d be even after the day breaks. He didn’t want to lose her, he didn’t want to let go. He was afraid, what would happen if she wasn’t there? He held her close, his hands around her waist, pulling her to his embrace. She was once everything; she was once his source of comfort. He tried to savor the moment, her presence and warmth, her scent and comfort, but why didn’t it comfort him? Instead of comfort, it was a burdensome thing. But still, he wasn’t willing to let go of her.

He knew she felt wronged and uncomfortable; the skin ship must have been too sudden for her. It has only been less than a year since they start living in the same town; the distance closed yet the heart distant even more. Hugs were very rare, holding hands were awkward; kissing each other cheek sent fluttering feelings. They haven’t even kissed yet; it has always been a simple peck on the cheek with much strange feelings.

And it has always been this way, them spending the night together, then falling asleep. By the next morning, it will be either of them, gone as the daybreak. She’d be asleep in his embrace, then missing the next morning. He’d be asleep in her lap, then missing by the time the sun rise. Every single drop of their togetherness will always be followed by longing and lost, again loneliness. It has always been this way, bearing with each other. But today, he wanted her to stay, even after the daybreak.

He has been embracing her over the past hour and her comfort was growing thin. She was struggling inside and he grew worry of it. Was being in his embrace that much uncomfortable? But again, he knew this was all too sudden for her. From the morning calls to everything. It has been hours in silence, nothing was said, only countless silence that holds thousands unsaid words, and again, unsaid feelings.

He didn’t let her face him; he didn’t let her to look at him. He didn’t want her to see him because he simply couldn’t. He couldn’t bear looking at her, he couldn’t bear thinking of the expression she was wearing. Was she crying? Was she smiling? If she was smiling, will he be the one to break her? If she was crying, will he be the cause? He was afraid. Even when he held her, he was afraid. He was afraid he might broke her because he knew he’d hurt her in the end. If he does, who would be hurting for so much more? Would it be her or would it be him? He hoped he’d be the one hurting so much more. Because now, even before it all ends, he was already hurting.

“Myungsoo…” she called and he ached at the soothing voice. He wanted to hold on, but he couldn’t. He wanted to hold on to something impossible, to her.

He knew she was struggling to break away from his embrace or at least the silence. Her voice was weak, it content mixed feelings he could never grow to understand. But then, he consoled her. He promised her he wouldn’t do anything despite the urged to mark her his and claimed her his. So even when he let go of her, she’d still be around waiting. It was his urge, but wasn’t it selfish? He didn’t want to chain her, despite the lust and the urge. He wants to set her free, but was it for the best?

He consoled her and she pressed her lips, letting out no more words. He knew, she too was wondering about things – about what kind of expression he was wearing, what was going on, what will happen, and when will it end. The feelings of ending come around, mixing with the growing anxiety. He didn’t know and she didn’t know, but the feelings of something ending has been around for quite some time. It was as if they knew this would have happened sooner or later. He wondered why he felt so prepared but still hurt at the end.

The rain started to pour outside, he bitterly smile at the reality. It was pouring; it was a cold night as it fall deeper. The rain seemed to understand him well and he was thankful. He wouldn’t have to cry, as he drifts off to his slumber. He tighten his grip on her, he didn’t want to lose her when the daybreak arrived.

***

She knew he didn’t sleep well last night, the way she couldn’t bring herself to shut her eyes closed. She was thinking as the rain poured, wondering about stuff, about the endless cycle, and about the sense of ending that has been around for quite some time. She, too, was prepared, but still hurt in the end. She felt wronged, slightly guilty for harboring such a feeling, nevertheless she helplessly accepted them. She couldn’t chase them away.

Whether he was awake or asleep, she didn’t know. He didn’t let her see him. He couldn’t bear it and she could understand. She kept her breath steady, not to shock him and she tried not to move so much. Her hands were intertwined with his, he didn’t let her go all night long. She was still safe in his embrace, despite the anxiety and insecurity that grows. She wanted to see him, to see if she could do something. It hurt. It hurt.

She heard him growl last night, calling out her name and murmuring words she couldn’t figure. He would tighten his grip on her from time to time, calling out her names restlessly, and then she could feel how hesitant he was to hold her. She would shush him, saying everything will be fine and she is there. He’d be back to sleep after tightening his grip on her. Then again, he’d searched for her in panic, and she’d have to shush him again.

It was eight in the morning and she knew she has been sleeping for too long. She needed to wake up soon and at least made some breakfast before disappearing for works. But she knew she didn’t have a choice but to run late for works, he needed her and she has to be there for him. It was a choice she has made recently, after witnessing how restless he has become ever since the ending of them was announced. She struggle, trying to free herself off his grip, to prepare breakfast or something to please him later on.

“Mmm…” he growled, his voice was husky and somehow y. She flinched that frowns, knowing she woke him up. “Where do you think you are going?” He asked, with the same tone of voice, tightening his embrace. She was forced to fall back on the bed, after being pulled back to his embrace. “You’re not thinking of running away, are you?”

Still, he didn’t let her face him. She shook her head. “Did I… wake you up? Sorry. You should go back to sleep.” She pressed her lips; she wanted to know how he was feeling. Myungsoo silently raised an eyebrow and snuggle closer. He rested his chin against his shoulder, taking a peek.

“You’re not thinking of running away, are you? I don’t like it when you’re missing.”

“I… I was just thinking about breakfast.”

“Stay.”

Silence… she didn’t know there could be this much silence. Something in his voice was heartbreaking. Something in her heart was hurting. She didn’t know why and he wouldn’t tell her why. Maybe, so maybe, the silence holds the answer.

“Myung… Myungsoo…” she called and hesitated. “Can I… turn around?”

“Why?” He whispered in her ears, with his husky and y voice. She shuddered, his breath was ticklish. She didn’t answer because she knew he would understand. Again, the short silence took over the room. Then, he nodded, she could feel it.

He loosen his grip on her, so she could turn around. He was scared, he wanted to look at her, but… what kind of expression will he found? He immediately circled his arm around her, embracing her even tighter, afraid that he might lose her. Yet it was the reality, he was losing her. She smiled, seeing him. Oh, she was wearing such a bittersweet smile, yet she smiled to him, knowing how much pain they are both bearing.

“Hey,” she greeted. “Good morning, Myungsoo.” she smiled even wider, eyes forming crescent moon.

She figured he didn’t cry last night, but he was restless. She could feel the pain in his darker orbs, while hers was already tearing up after seeing him. He had that weak expression, of someone who was silently breaking down. She circled her arm around his neck and pulled him to a hug.

“It will be okay. It will be okay, Kim Myungsoo.”

***

He slept a bit more and it was better than last night. She, once again, became his comfort. He fluttered his eyes opened, slightly afraid as he couldn’t found her. He must have fallen to a deep sleep, since she could break away from him. He fluttered his eyes opened, and immediately jumps when he realized she wasn’t there. She was nowhere and it was scary.

He immediately rushed through the door, desperately searching for her. In the end, he was not ready to let go of her. He could feel his heart, beating fast out of anxiety. Where was she? And there she was with her gorgeous smile, preparing for breakfast. She didn’t realize he was there, she was too focused. Still, he was restless even if she was there, safe and alive.

“Don’t ever do that to me again.” He immediately rushed to her side, giving her a back hug. He rested his chin on her shoulder, and wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer. “Ah, Myungsoo! You surprised me!”

“What are you cooking?” He sniffed the magnificent smell. “Some Italian cuisine. Spagetthi… and soup.” Jieun answered and ordered him to sit down. He smiled as he sat down as Jieun served the dishes on the table. They didn’t say anything; it was him holding her hands even when they are eating. They would feed each other, trying to melt the atmosphere, but truly nothing works.

“I’m going upstairs, fixing myself for a bit.” Jieun stated, ready to rush upstairs, but immediately stopped by Myungsoo. He grabbed her wrist. He gazed at her with pleading eyes. “No! No, Myungsoo! No! I’m fixing myself on my own!” She walked up to him. “I’m going to be right back. I’m not going anywhere, okay?” She hugged him, rubbing his back to comfort the man.

They spent the rest of the day in silence, doing everything together, yet no words was out. She was about to leave soon and he was about to let go soon. The sense of ending, it was a horrible feeling that she would like to get rid of. But, in the end of the day, despite the unwillingness and the pain, the memories and the chained hearts, the words were said.

Goodbye.

***

It was too much of that day that her mind kept on flashing back to the day where he managed to convince her so she will be willing on leading a long distant relationship. Today, too, he did it again.

“If I am about to let you go, should I do it easily or play hard?” He stated, at the airport. Again, he chased her to the airport since she was unwilling to tell him about her departure. It repeated itself, what happened back in high school, but it seemed they have grown a lot. “If I play easily, do you think it will be the best? God, you don’t have to hold on to me and I don’t have to hold on to you. We’re free, but I don’t like to the sound of it. I wanted you to be mine and I wanted to be yours.” He stated again, it was what he has been having on his mind lately. “But if I play hard, will you get hurt, Jieun? I don’t want you to get hurt. I care a lot about you, I just… you’re precious to me. Will it be for my own selfishness?”

She stared at him, she didn’t know what to say or which one of them was right. She has been running away because she was afraid, she was insecure. Her parents divorced, it left marks inside.

“Lee Ji Eun. This is what I am going to tell you: I love you. Right here, right now, I love you.”

He didn’t give her any promises, he didn’t promised her she’d always be safe in his arms or she’d always be happy. He didn’t promise her he’d love her a thousand year from now. He didn’t give her any of them, of what women often wanted to hear. He only gave her one thing, the reality of him loving her. That was what convinced her, to live the present as the present, and the future as the future. It may be a wrong choice, nevertheless he convinced her.

I love you, today, too, he said it.

***

She threw her bags to the couched, placed in the corner of the room. She was supposed to go home, but she didn’t think it would be such a great idea. Home, has it ever been a home? It was just a simple house, it didn’t felt like home. What will she do then? Crying like there’s no tomorrow? It was not her, she was a woman who barely breaks down. So why did she felt like crumbling?

Here she was, running up late in her practice room. It was spacious and empty, mirrors covered the wall. She could see her own reflection, she was smiling so bitterly. She has locked the door, knowing she would need sometime on her own, she needed to calm down and breathe in. This is what had happened. It was for the best, wasn’t it? Why was she hurting then?

She was prepared since the sense of ending was too close. She has prepared for the worst, her stop loving him or him stop loving her, or even break up. She knew it was coming, despite the guilt of harboring those feelings, she prepared herself for it, as if she wouldn’t wasn’t willing to save anything, as if she was prepared to let go of everything. And today it happened, like a gush of sharp wind that greeted her on a sunny day. She was prepared, why was she hurting?

The hearts grew distant, she knew and he was aware. She felt as if she needed to be reminded of why she fell for a man like him, she needed to be reminded that she’s in love with him. She felt as if she was losing the grip on these feelings, as if she needed to break away for some reason. If that was the case, shouldn’t the breakup be a good chance to break away?

She slides down the wall, leaning herself against the mirror. It was a tiring day, she felt like breaking down. It hurt. It hurt. Despite her being awfully prepared about it, it still hurt. She wasn’t prepared in the end of the day, she still cared about him. She wasn’t aware of it, how he has changed from a man, whom she loved so dearly, to an important man that she couldn’t break away from. He has interfered her life, he enter her life, and she realized she never created an exit door for him. And now when everything ended… it was upsetting. Heartbreaking.

But again, she had to admit it was tiring. Everything was tiring. Their relationship, and everything was tiring. The fact that they have broken up before, then make up, then again almost breaking up a couple of times before finally making up, it was tiring. This is getting tiring. The fact that their relationship had always been that much of a push and pull was tiring. Was the cycle of hurt and hurting, breaking and making up, endless?

Goodbye. Goodbye. She couldn’t.

***

“Jieun? You’re late! It’s unusual!” Cheondong suddenly appeared, a few minutes after she unlocked the door. She was still sighing heavily, clearly lots have happened.

“I… I just got some business to do.” She smiled. “How’s your training?”

“The dance was quite hard. I got to practice some more. Singing… uh, I got scolded again,” he rolled his eyes, but then he realized something was wrong. Lee Ji Eun didn’t laugh, she’d always laugh. “Hey, you okay?”

“Um? Yeah, I guess.”

“I guess?” Cheondong practically rolled his eyes on her. “What is a “yeah, I guess”? I asked you if you’re okay.” Jieun kept her lips sealed and smiled at him. He’s a great man, Jieun has told Myungsoo before of how great her new friend is. Cheondong is a great man, Jieun told herself as she smiled at him. He’d understand. “Need a hug?” He opened his arm wide to welcome the fragile figure that seemed to be broken or at least having a very hard time.

“I guess,” she walked closer to him, who was standing barely a meter away from her. She let herself fall in his embrace, it was a friendly hug. “I need one. Comforting hugs?”

Cheondong smiled, “comforting hugs.”