“Do you believe me?” Lee Ji Eun ran all the way to the INFINITE dorm, early in the morning. She was about to proceed with her activity as scheduled, when her company decided to postponed all of it and even cancel half of her schedules. She was confused at first, until her manager gave her a clear explanation and all that spinned inside her head was Kim Myungsoo.

She was only wearing a cap on with plain t-shirts and shorts on a windy day. It was the beginning of autumn and the wind grew harsher than usual. She looked so worried and anxious. “Do you believe me?” It was the first thing that she said, once she arrived. She was gasping and they all knew her feet hurts.

“Do you believe me?!” She raised her voice and the boys jerked. She looked so desperate and anxious. She was about to cry, but the boys knew she wouldn’t break down at all.

“L,” Sungyeol whispered but his weird actions caught her attention, “you should see this,” he continued and handed the newspaper to him.

He looked confused at first, especially when she looked so anxious, but soon it was all clear. When they turn on the TV, she was all over the news and Myungsoo couldn’t help it. He was a mess, out of the blue. He was full of doubts. Jieun kept on asking him, whether he’d believe in her. But how could he stayed so oblivious and choose to believe her when it was all more than clear? She knew, so why?

“I’m asking you, Myungsoo!” She shouted again, Hoya tried to calm her down and Woohyun was glaring at the younger boy. What is it this time? “Do you believe me?” She sounded so helpless and desperate. He stayed silent, scrolling down the websites and realized it was all over the place. He shot her a look, a mysterious one, but she knew what it means. “You don’t.” She laughed it off so bitterly, and it looked like she was about to cry again. “You don’t. How could you?!”

He stayed silent, but Jieun kept on protesting. It hurt. Myungsoo swore it hurt so much that he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to hurt her, but she hurt him. When the boys shot him a curious looked, he showed the pictures on his phone and the articles. All of them quickly shot a look toward the only girl around, and Jieun was breaking apart. How could they?

“Do anyone of you even believe me?” She sounded desperate and frustrated. “Not even one of you?” When they all stayed silent, she was more than disappointed. She couldn’t even talk about the rules. She knew she was wrong, but he wasn’t there either. Would he prefer having her suddenly hurt herself recklessly? He should be thankful that Jonghyun was there. “How could you?!”

“How am I supposed to act then?!” Myungsoo shouted back in anger. His eyes looked so hurt and sad, disappointed. “How am I supposed to believe in you?! You know how I feel about that man, but why?! Why, Jieun?!”

“You always have doubts in me to begin with!” Jieun protested, the whole dorm was in an uproar thanks to them. “I… I just want you to believe me, but you can’t? I have no one else and you still can’t believe in me? Do you think I’m that easy?!”

“You know I was jealous to begin with! You know how I feel about you two!”

“Do you even know what I was going through?!” She screamed, hiding the engulfing pain. “I was crying in the middle of the street, in front of so many people. I was crying my eyes out, screaming my lungs out, wailing. I couldn’t even think because my dad came back! My dad came back and asked me for so much money! Did you think I was okay? I wasn’t okay at all! Everything isn’t the same anymore!”

“Do you know how helpless I feel? How useless I feel? How unimportant I feel?! I feel like I’m not supposed to be alive to begin with! That the world will be just fine without me around!” She started to cry again, remembering the pain that hit her just the day before. “I… was crying and he was there when I needed comfort. He was there to help me, to calm me down and he knew how!”

“It still doesn’t explain why you got all touchy with him!”

“Do you even know, Myungsoo? Do you even know what I was going through?! You are always somewhere else when I’m hurting. You’re never there! When I needed someone, you’re never there! Then how am I supposed to live?” She cried and it shut him up. “Maybe you’re manager is right, we’re not even supposed to be together.”

“Lee Ji Eun,”

“I don’t want to hear you’re sorry. I don’t want to hear your excuses.” She stated so firmly that he feared what she might say next would be the end of them. “You don’t believe me, that’s fine. You all don’t believe me, that’s fine and that’s it. I just need to stand on my own, like how I used to be. You don’t believe me?! That’s it!” She cried again and hurriedly left the place.

***

Kim Myungsoo sighed once she left and slump his tired body on the couch, harshly. He knew she wasn’t going to be seen anywhere near the broadcasting station with a scandal this big, especially when they had picture proves. He took another look at it; it was definitely her and him. They were holding hands along the street, and he took her into a small empty café and hugged her. She was crying. The article described everything clearly.

“It can’t be her, right?” Hoya told himself.

“You’re saying it aloud because you’re not so sure, aren’t you?” Myungsoo replied and tossed the newspaper away. He slammed his phone onto the table and shot Woohyun a look. “What do you think?”

Woohyun was a different man, compared to how it was back in high school. He was a lot colder now and silent. He didn’t talk as much as he used to be. Although he and Jieun contacted each other once in a while, they both knew they were distant. For some reason, being with him felt less comfortable, especially with Myungsoo being overly sensitive with their friendship. But still, Woohyun is Woohyun, he’d always be her best friend.

“I told you, didn’t I? If you ever hurt her again, don’t cry when I win her over.” Woohyun coldly replied with deathly glares. “What do you think she is? Do you really think she’d cheat on you?”

“But… you hesitated.” Myungsoo glared back. “She wouldn’t have cried if you didn’t hesitate.”

“Did I?” Woohyun replied coldly and walked away. He did, he hesitated for a while. The proof was too much. We believe in what we see, it happened all the time.

“I… wouldn’t let you snatch her away from me.”

“Let’s just see if you can make her stay.”

Kim Jonghyun. Kim Jonghyun. Myungsoo needed to see him and clear everything up. All of them were in doubts, even Lee Ji Eun was clearly doubting Kim Myungsoo love for her. When did all of this get so messy?

***

She went back home. She was trying to clear her mind by walking downtown; keeping her profile low and unnoticeable, but she still can’t stand it. People were talking about her everywhere. She became today’s hot topic, and it may continue for the next few weeks, or worse, for months. Jieun knew it was one of the consequences of being an idol. She knew, so why did it hurt? She knew almost everything, yet why did it hurt? It was confusing.

She locked herself up, back to her mansion. Locking herself alone in her house wasn’t a good idea, so she went back to the mansion. Mrs. Kwon was pleased to see her return after months, but was taken aback to see the young mistress puffy eyes. Jieun was crying, and traces of her tears could still be found. She cried a lot this morning, on her way back home. She was hurt.

Maybe she was being rebellious, or maybe she was too curious. On days like this, she knew she wasn’t supposed to surf the internet. It would only hurt her. Park Jiyeon and her manager too, kept on warning her about the internet. Words killed. But she was too curious; too see how badly it has become. Her articles were all over the place, with different titles but the same meaning; some were so speculated that it sounded interesting. All of them pointed to one fact; that Lee Ji Eun and Kim Jonghyun were probably dating each other. Picture of both of them hugging was all over the place and Jieun knew it became hard to see the truth.

She was at fault too. She was supposed to lean on herself or Myungsoo, or the safest would be Woohyun, on tough days. Was she so desperate that she gives in to the temptation of comfort? What was she thinking? Did she regret it? The fact that she didn’t regret giving in to the temptation made her feel worse. Why can’t she regret it? Maybe she longed for it too much, maybe it eases her life, and maybe it was for the better. It’s just the fact that she didn’t regret it was bothersome.

Scrolling down the pages, hateful comments filled the page. Her SNS was filled with so many post that she thought it was going to crash soon. And it hurt. She knew it was going to be filled with hateful comments, she knew she was supposed to be ignorant, but still, she get hurt. Was it a wrong thing to get hurt? If she cried, would she be a crybaby? If she got hurt, would it mean she’s weak? Everything was too much. She cried and cried.

She cried.

***

He couldn’t work today. Yes, he didn’t believe her; still he was worried about her. He loved her and he meant it. No matter how badly he hurt her, she was still his lover, his love for her still existed. He couldn’t work when his brain kept on going back and forth to her. He couldn’t stay still for a minute before his panic started. He was worried if she got hurt, if she was crying. He stayed still this morning, when she cried, but it haunted him. When will he stop? He felt like a fool. If she slipped away, he won’t know how to live. This love was that much insanity.

His manager seemed to notice his behavior and excused him for the day. Myungsoo was suspicious about it, but when he saw the elder growing smile, he knew it was an act of kindness. He bowed politely and excused himself, and rushes to her place. Yet she was nowhere and it worried him if she did something reckless. Suicide wasn’t something unusual in this field. People who are easily hurt, people who are strong, in the end killed themselves because words kill. Myungsoo knew, he also knew she wouldn’t be hurt easily, but he knew she was humane too. She’d get hurt, in the end.

The hateful comments were beyond forgivable. They literally hated on someone based on speculation. Myungsoo, in the other hand, didn’t doubt her out of speculation. The proof shocked all of them for a moment. He could see how Jieun was shocked too. Recalling what happen this morning, he regretted it a lot. He needed space, he knew, but did he does it right? Jieun wasn’t in her right state either. She looked so stressed out and confused. Perhaps, it was the reason for his anxiousness.

“Myungsoo-ssi,” Mrs. Kwon greeted, her eyes looked so sad but relieves when she saw him rushing. “She’s upstairs,” she showed him a motherly smiled and answered right before he could ask. “I think she’s sleeping. She was crying, but suddenly it became quiet.”

“Suddenly?” Myungsoo turned pale and Mrs. Kwon realized why he was so worried. She turned pale too; a few moments later after her brain did all the math. “I should go check on her.” He rushed and  climbed upstairs and Mrs. Kwon nodded.

He was cold, when he entered her room. He was cold and frightened. What if she tried something stupid? What if she leaves him? What if… he didn’t know all insanity began from a simple “what if”. The warmness that soon came was overwhelming. It was his first time inside her room. It was organized neatly and full of her scent. She smells nice. Traces of her presence were everywhere, and when he found her soundlessly asleep, he breathed out. He was relieved.

He slipped into the space next to her. She was sleeping on her side. Myungsoo playfully played with her brown locks, and traced her cheek. Her skin was so soft and she looked so peaceful while sleeping. He enjoyed watching her, whatever she did. She talked in her sleep, maybe a side-effect of having so much going on. He patted her and shushed her down, each time she murmured something unclear. The wrinkle on her forehead and scrunched up nose told it all, how stressful everything was for her.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered softly. He knew she was soundlessly asleep; she wouldn’t be able to hear him. It was better that way, at least he could let his guard down, and let go of his pride for a bit. His pride was probably his charm and weakness at the same time.

She tossed and turned in her sleep, surprising him. She was no facing him and he could see tears staining her cheek. Her foundation was smudge and he chuckled at how messy she looked. Luckily, she wasn’t wearing eyeliner or she would be a complete mess by now. He softly smiled and traced her face, erasing her tears with his thumb and kissed her cheek, whispering another sorry. He knew he had said too much sorry, he knew he had regretted too much thing and he would like to stop. He should have believed her. Now that he saw how upset and sad she was, he believed her.

He wrapped an arm around her waist and another around her shoulder, reaching to her back. He tangled their legs and kissed her forehead; fingers playfully playing with her locks. He liked it when she was soundlessly asleep, in his embrace, just like this. She snuggled deeper and he pulled her closer. Her toes were cold, so were her fingers. He pulled her even closer to his chest and let her head rested there. Now, it felt perfect.

“Umm…” she murmured slowly, a few minutes after sensing a strange presence by her side. He knew she would wake up soon; she wasn’t a heavy sleeper at all. When she opened her eyes, the strange figure by her side shocks her; that she tried to move away and pushed him. Still, she had just woken up, there wasn’t any energy left within her, after all the crying.

He put his hand on her back and pulled her closer, so she wouldn’t fall. “Careful,” he whispered and smiled.

“Myungsoo?” She rubbed her eyes opened.

“Yes, yes, it’s me.” He smiled again and kissed her forehead. “Now shhh… go back to sleep. It’s a dream, it’s a dream.”

Jieun shut her eyes and snuggled closer. His scent and warmth was overwhelming. It was comforting. Now that he was smiling and she was having a hard time, she realized the difference between this comfort and the usual one. This time, she wanted to lie down a bit more and sleep a bit more, and have him by her side forever. The warmth was different, it came from the inside. This comfort was better than yesterday’s.

“Do you remember what you said about dreams?” Jieun asked. When he nodded, she snuggled deeper and continued. “I don’t want happy little things be a dream either.”

“I know,” Myungsoo patted her head and moved a little so she would feel comfortable. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” Jieun chuckled and sighed.

“You cried too much, didn’t you?” He asked, wiping the invisible tears on her cheek and softly caressed it. “That’s why you should go back to sleep for a while. I’ll wake you up later.” He whispered and kissed her cheek again. She snuggled, their legs tangled. The silence kicked in, but it was comforting too. The atmosphere was so peaceful, maybe the most peaceful for the past years of dating and working.

…..

…..

“You’re right,” She suddenly said. She didn’t feel like going back to sleep when the peacefulness and silence felt so good.

“About what?” His eyes were closed, but nevertheless, he replied. He wasn’t going to fall asleep without her peacefully sleeping first. He wanted to watch her sleep a bit more.

“Jonghyun.” She knew it was a bad topic and she didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere, still she wanted to say it. “Jonghyun. Everything about Jonghyun and I.”

“He likes you, doesn’t he?”

“He does,” Jieun replied. “He called me and he told me he’d have asked me out if you didn’t come and talk to him. He wanted to make this scandal real. He wanted to date me.” She opened her eyes to meet his closed one. “I’m sorry and thank you.”

“I told you.” Myungsoo replied smugly. “It’s okay now. I talk to him and I realized he’s a good guy. He’s a really great guy, one talented guy. It will be okay if you want to visit him from now one. We made it really clear this time.”

“I know,”

“Hey, Jieun-ah,” he opened one of his eyes. “I should have believed in you. I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Jieun chuckled and played with his dark hair. “And I shouldn’t have been so temperament.”

“Jieun-ah,” he called again and she hummed in return. “I believe you,”

And they made up, again.

***

Myungsoo decided to get back to work, a few hours later after he made sure Jieun was absolutely fine. He promised he’d come back later, once he had his job done, but Jieun told him to rest instead. The atmosphere they had just now was perfect. Jieun was still feeling comfortable under her blanket, tossing and turning around, being comfy. It had been so perfect that she wanted to relive the moment.

Maybe it was so simple and honest, so warm and calm, that it felt so perfect. She wasn’t being angry or upset, she was being honest. He wasn’t protesting or being prideful either. He was there because he was so worried about her and somehow she was happy. It was sincere and unplanned, maybe that’s why it felt so good. It was the best in years, even better than yesterday’s. She hasn’t stopped smiling and she felt refreshed. She was okay, more than okay. She felt perfect.

Still, she wondered if they made up too fast. They didn’t break up and they solve it in no time. She was a slow person, who adapted well to slow pace. This was being too fast that she feared another problem might came again. But one thing that she was sure of, their relationship was much stronger than before. It wasn’t that fragile anymore. At least, he trusts her. Her stomach felt so warm right now, but why was she anxious? She was slightly anxious without any clear reason. Maybe she was afraid of the pain. She needed more time to heal.

“Jiyeon-ah,” she called her best friend for help, to tell her what was going on, to get some advice. “I fought with Myungsoo again today and we made up again. I was wondering if I’m his bank of chances. I mean, we keep fighting and hurting each other, and I feel like a fool for letting him off so easily.” When she knew her best friend wasn’t going to reply until she finished her full story, she continued. “Am I foolish for giving him more chances? I’m still hurting, Jiyeon-ah; but I can’t tell him that I’m hurting. Are we even meant to be? Are we going to fight even more? Are we going to hurt each other again? I keep wondering. What should I do?”

“You sounded really troubled,” Jiyeon laughed, but Jieun found her laughed to be out of the place. It sounded weird and somehow forceful. “Do you think he’s the one? If you think he deserve it, then he deserved it. Seung Ho and I fight all the time, over little things, we got mad at each other then made up five minutes later… over big things we fight for days but made up right away. Don’t you think it’s the joy of dating?”

“You sound troubled too,” Jieun replied with a chuckle.

“I’m troubled.” Jiyeon replied, seriously. “I’m very troubled.” Jieun could picture her best friend sighs and stressful face. “I’m sorry, Jieun-ah.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“I’m sorry, Jieun-ah,” Jiyeon cried.