Has the room become bigger? She wondered to herself, as she dug dipper to the thrilling silence. She was once again deep in her thoughts, her brown orbs darken and soft wrinkles appeared on her forehead. She looked lifeless, rather scared. It was as if she was brought against her wish, as if someone wanted to harm her. Today was the day, where she had no choice but to fight her best against her own fear.

Her fingertips were cold. Her heartbeat, rather than beating faster, it beats slower. It was so slow, in a pace where it annoyed her. She couldn’t breathe properly; she couldn’t feel her heart properly. It was as if her body was shutting down, in a slow and scary way. Once again, she clenched the hem of her dress, trying to calm herself down.

“Have a good night sleep, dear.” It was what her manager told her last night, before the big day. He told her with a fatherly smile, yet she could only force a smile in reply.

She hasn’t been sleeping well. She did not know why but sleeping became harder, as if she was having some kind of insomnia. But no, that was not the case. She was fifteen at the time; she thought she was old enough to handle everything on her own. Yet it was wrong of her, it left scars inside, scars that are yet to be healed, and now it all came back to life. Every time she shut both eyes closed, those nightmares come back to life.

She hugged her knee, as those flashbacks come back and hit her hard. She was scared. The room was empty and she was all alone, scary. She was scared but she could not cry. She hasn’t cried for years, she has yet to break down after those years of hardships. She should not break down after this little things, she’s a grownup. She let those filled her mind, she tried to get a hold of herself, she needed to gather it together.

The music was loud enough, some kind of upbeat music that deafens her ear. She hated those, upbeat and louds music, that brought the world bouncing up and down, the ground shaking, the echoed that made her feel lonelier. She was all alone after all, in the midst of the party-like crowd, the cheers, the fun. She was there, failed to become a fit in, and once again she was lost in her strands of thoughts. She was overthinking, she knows it, yet she couldn’t stop herself.

“You’re up in 10.” A staff opened the door without knocking, surprising her.

The notice scared her even more, especially with the cold tone and gaze the staff had just shot her. She was not warmly-welcomed; she had to deal with the harsh treatment since eight in the morning. She was still okay, she has learnt not everyone are kind, not everyone are warmly welcomed, she has learnt that long ago that she has gotten used to it. But still, it sent her chills.

10 minutes left, a sigh escaped her pink lips and echoed through the empty room. She couldn’t help but to force a smile – a smile to mock how cowardly she has become. Her memories flashing back to the point where it breaks her and she couldn’t stop breaking down.

What was it? Things that gone wrong because of her, back in the days, she could list dozens of them. She was a coward, running away from what she fears, trying to endure them so badly only to run away in the end. She hurt too many people, because of her cowardly acts. She wasn’t courageous enough back then, she was shy, timid, and conservative. She hid behind others shadows, unable to let it go. She wasn’t brave enough and it hurt people around her.

Pil Suk, she could recall everything regarding her sister without a single mistake. Those days when she couldn’t protect her because she wasn’t courageous enough, because she was afraid to become the center of attention. If that day, on that very day when Pil Suk tried to end her own life, Jieun was courageous enough to yell at those who hurt her dear little sister, and then maybe she could have prevented all those hardships. She could have ease her pain and be a reliable big sister. But she can’t. Instead, she cried a river, unable to get a hold of herself, being depressed for months, being helpless only to worry others.

She, too, hurt Myungsoo out of her cowardly acts. She could have been brave enough, to act on stage with him. Instead, she let Suzy took the chance and ended up hurting both party. Jieun was hurt, out of her own act, and she hurt Myungsoo. When the blurry kissed scene reappeared inside her head, she could feel the pain that slowly come back to life.

Those and dozens more, hardships she has caused because of her cowardly acts. It was years ago, when she couldn’t stand the crowd and the attention – when she was too shy, too cowardly, such unreliable person, back in her high school days. She thought she had changed, but no. She has just realized how she has never changed. She was still that unreliable, cowardly Lee Ji Eun. She hasn’t grown. She couldn’t even face the crowd properly, getting nervous and anxious before the big show.

“Grow up, would you? Lee Ji Eun.” She told herself, in a pathetic way. “Get it together.”

***

The sound of the ticking clock was louder than before, echoing through the room. It was the only thing Lee Ji Eun could hear, despite her staff that barged in through the door minutes ago. The room becomes noisy as they prepared her for the best. Yet Jieun couldn’t hear anything, except the ticking clock clouding the pure silence. She was tense, her fingers were cold, and she could feel her heavy breathing turning even heavier.

“Fighting!” It was the only thing she could hear, before the room falls to a darker silence.

Her phone was in front of her, no one has sent her any message to encourage her. Not that she mind, she couldn’t even think of them at the moment. She was too busy, calming herself down. But Myungsoo has promised her that he would come, somehow it managed to calm a part of her.

“You’re up!” The staff yelled, as her manager pushed her to the stage.

***

The crowds seemed bad to her, as if they wanted to harm her so badly. There was a few seconds of thrilling silence before the music start. She was standing all alone, different from those boys who performed in group. The crowds were glaring at her, at least she thinks so. It was a different reaction than before; they were all staring in silence, unlike those warm reactions they gave earlier to the boys. Jieun had to admit that she envy them.

But she is going to be fine, she told herself. Myungsoo has promised her, he would come. She just has to search for him in the midst of the crowd, looked at him and sing well, just like the old days. That way, she would do well, just like when they sang together in the café. She did not need this crowd to appreciate her; she just needed them to listen to her. She wouldn’t ask for more.

The music slowly filled the atmosphere, bringing the crowd to a darker silence of a darker ballad aura. It was a ballad, a sad song, something she prefers rather than those upbeat songs. Her fingers were still cold, she was shaking on stage, and she doubted she could sing well. Her brown orbs was searching for him. She would love to stare at his darker ones and sink herself inside. It would be nice. Yet she can’t find him.

“Search for the camera with red lights.” Her manager mouthed her and soon the blinding light blinded her vision as she looked at the camera, after failing her attempt to search for him. He was not in the crowd.

It killed her in a slow pace, how the nervousness creeps up to her, engulfing her slowly. She couldn’t take it. Those harmful gazes, cold gazes that directly hit her. She closed her eyes; let herself sunk beneath the sad song she sang, hiding behind those meaningful lyrics that she failed to convey. And then it came, things that stung her hard.

“You pig! Get off the stage!”

Have three minutes ever been longer?

***

He was running late, she has sung the first part of the song; ready to move on to the chorus. He was cursing himself for being late. He should have been there for her, earlier. He forgot her cellphone so he couldn’t notify her at all. She would be extremely happy and surprised to see him, yet now his plan is ruined.

He quickly entered the studio and she was there with the spotlight shining upon her. He cringed, he knew better than anyone that she hated that. She hated to be the center of attention yet now she had no choice but to become one. How nervous she must be? How hard was it? Those questions passed through his mind, showing how caring he was toward her.

He brought light stick with him, so it wouldn’t be too much for her to search for him in the midst of the crowd. There was not much thing he could do for her, but hopefully seeing him in the midst of the crowd can encouraged her. He started to wave her light stick, alone in the midst of the unwelcoming crowd. Yet he was one step too late, she shut both her eyes closed, sinking herself in her song.

“You pig! Get off the stage!” He stood there in horror, knowing how loud it was – enough for Jieun to hear.

With one abrupt he grabbed the teenage girl by the collar and threw a cold glare toward her. “Shut up!” He was angry.

Nam Woohyun was angry.