Sixteen

He hates feeling guilty. It suffocates you. It makes your conscience eat you up, bit by bit until it would swallow you whole. Sitting on the couch in the lobby of the resort, made him feel alone. Of course, all the members were busy tending Lay because of what he did.

He remembered when he was a child. Stealing a lollipop, just because it tempted him for its bright red color. He snatched it from a girl at his age. He remembered the satisfaction he felt from seeing her cry. But at the same time, guilt was swallowing him whole.

“You okay?”  He didn’t have to glance at the person since he knew perfectly who it was from the voice.

“I’m still alive”  He looked down at his hands. “Why are you here anyways?”

“I figured you received enough hate already” As if.

“I know you hate me” He sighed, ashamed of himself. He’s always ashamed of himself, because of what he did to make him please himself.

“I don’t” He took a moment to savor those words. All his life, he had yearned for someone to tell him “I love you” but instead, all he got were a lot of s. This girl made him realize a lot of things he never knew. She even made him feel all sorts of things he hadn’t expected.

“I still think you should apologize though.”

“Why?”

She was taken a back. “Um, because you blocked him earlier that caused—“

“No, I meant, why don’t you hate me? I annoy you all the time. All I do is frustrate you with every choice I make. Doesn’t that make you hate me?”  His eyes were desperate to receive some kind of answer. Any answer, that would make him know the truth.

But she laughed. Then she stopped, and gave him that smile again. The smile that made his stomach has some weird feelings.

“You’re not a bad person Kai.” Suddenly, she looked at him as if she can read through his eyes. She can see how much longing he’d been experiencing lately. And he hoped she might help him.

After everything else, there was silence. All he could do was think about what she said. This girl thinks he’s not a bad person, but why does he thinks otherwise?

“Alright” He blurted. Soori looked at him, confused. “I’ll go apologize to my best friend”

She smiled.

*****

Sweat running through his face, didn’t bother him. Hours and hours of practicing for this dance, he failed. He kept on stumbling on the moves he precisely practiced a week before. He never stumbles, which is why it bothered that he performed too poor today. He tries again, but he ended up falling on the dance floor.

Soori.

After apologizing to Lay, he'd been wondering about her words lately. How vague yet striking they were? How meaningful yet frank? He doesn't know. Thinking about her distracted him. He always thought what she’s doing every minute—every second of the day. He wondered if she had eaten yet. He wondered if she’s okay right now. Soori this, Soori that. He didn’t want to confuse himself.

Panting. Sitting on the cool wooden floor can be a little soothing. When Soori cam into his life, he didn’t know it would end up like this. Not knowing what you feel. He didn’t like not knowing anything.

“You alright man?”

“I’m always alright Greg.”

“You seem a little worked up”

“Really Greg, I’m fine.” Kai stood up and sauntered over to turn on the music so he can start practicing again, and avoid Greg’s suspicious interrogations.

“You don’t see, okay to me” He seemed to never give up. This is the bad side to Greg, he’s the nicest coach ever, but he doesn’t mind invading into you privacy. “Is it about that girl you brought here last time?” His hand rubbed his chin, trying to remember her name. “What was her name?...”

Kai rolled his eyes. He doesn’t want to deal with him.

“Ah, yes, Soori!” Greg eyed him. He knew something’s up with him. And that feeling was somehow connected to Soori since this kid wasn’t the same when he first came here.

“Did she do anything to you?”

He kept on ignoring Greg and practiced his routine.

“Hmm.. Or… you’re feeling something for her”

He stopped. He’s not technically false. Sure, he does feel something for her, but the question is what? If it’s the “L” word, he’d kill himself. He doesn’t believe in it. It only exists in a world where he doesn’t belong.

Greg chuckled at the sight of him frozen. He clasped his back. “Leave it be Kai. Just let things happen. You think too much.”

*****

Delete. Delete. Delete. Kai’s dance competition is tomorrow. And he’s been finding the right words to tell Soori that he wants her to come. He hesitated at first, but his gut feeling got the best of him. He wanted her there. He wanted her to see him perform. He wanted her to see how much he gave his all to his performance. And he wants her to witness everything. That he's not just a jerk, and there can be more to him than she realized.

Sighing, he stared at the ceiling. I could call her.

With just a tap on the screen, he immediately dialed her number.

“Oh. What do you want?” Her tone definitely isn’t nice. Should he forego? Or should he just cancel it?

“Um, are you busy tomorrow?”

“Yeah” She answered on instinct.

“I would like you to come with me”

“No”

“To my dance competition tomorrow”

“What?” Finally, she listened to him as if she cares.

“You heard me”

“Kai, if you’re—“

“Please? I swear I’ll behave”

Rejecting him might be too harsh.

“Okay, fine” She resigned. “And! If you do anything foolish, I swear I’m gonna seriously kill you”

OKAY, I know all of you are gonna kill me for not updating for how many days.

I'm sincerely sorry since school's being a and I don't know how to balance my time yet. So I'm just adjusting for now. All sorts of projects are in my mind and I haven't had the time to actually plan out my fanfic and the writing process requires a lot of thinking. 

And guys, sorry if I dissapoint you through every chapter I post, sometimes I just think I'm not a competent writer. *sigh*

Sorry again :(