A/N: I'll try my best to update as soon as possible. My word file is acting strange and didn't save my file so I ended up rewriting this chapter a few times. I hate it when that happens. Anyway sorry about the mini rant and just a reminder that text like this is Kyuhyun's thoughts/narration as he is listening to Ryeowook's tapes.

Oh yeah... I'm a few hours late but HAPPY 27th BIRTHDAY to the eternal makanae, Ryeowook <3. On June 21st 1987, an amazing singer was born:)

I wanted to upload a new chapter on his birthday but then my computer and word file deleted my chapter which more than writer's block. Anyways hope you enjoy this chapter...

Kyuhyun’s POV

So many emotions are flooding within me that I didn’t take too long to switch the tape to side B. Was I still feeling guilty of Ryeowook’s death? Yes. Do I think that I could’ve prevented Ryeowook’s death? Yeah…possibly. Do I feel disgusted by Siwon’s sinful actions? Obviously. Do I want to kill Siwon? Yes. Would I actually kill him for revenge? Maybe.

Obviously I feel devastated about Ryeowook’s loss, but other than that, I feel angry. I am angry at Siwon for doing these things to Ryeowook, not once but twice in less than 48 hours. I am angry at the people who manipulated and made Ryeowook feel worthless. I’m also angry at Ryeowook. I’m mad at him for not letting me in and opened up to me. However, I’m mostly mad at myself for not getting enough courage sooner and tell Ryeowook how I really feel before it’s too late. I’m mad at myself for not being able to be there for him when he needed me… when he needed a friend.

My mind is preoccupied with guilt, anger and sadness that I forgot to press play. Regardless If I’m ready or not, I continued listening to the tapes as I waited for Ryeowook’s voice to be heard.

Within a few seconds, Ryeowook’s voice could be heard in the tiny space in the car. Instead of barely hearing Ryeowook’s voice on the small cassette player, the beginning of this tape started off with Ryeowook laughing manically, which made Kyuhyun tear up again.

“I’m back...” he said with a  hysterical laugh. “It’s hard being quiet when I’m this… alert… would be a good word to describe it. Hehehehe... I know I should be quiet since the other members have schedules tomorrow but I can’t help it. Hehehehe… Okay hehehehe... before I start, I just want to say that this isn’t my first time. I did it before but no one seems to notice. I guess you can say that a certain person introduced this… lifestyle…would be a good word to describe this. Well no one noticed except for Jongwoon hyung. However, there’s a story behind why Jongwoon hyung knows my different lifestyle. Hahaha… but you have to wait and listen until the end kids, I’ll get to that story later on. Hahaha… you have to be patient my lovely audience” he said as his sentence was continuously broken in between Ryeowook’s hysterical laugh.

I guess it doesn’t really matter now if you know or not but I guess I’ll tell you. I take antidepressant drugs prescribed by my psychiatrist. However after a certain event, I began to take Amphetamine which is also known as speed. Sometimes I take speed and together along with my antidepressant medication but I don’t do it often. I only take it when there’s a concert or when I get so exhausted from the never ending schedules. Hehehehe... you never knew didn’t you. Oh... I lied. Hehehehe... I take it more often now because I hate this. I hate my life and it hurts less if I take it.

I never knew. I thought that his up and down behaviour was due to our never ending schedules. I would have never guessed that he was combining street drugs along with his medication drugs. It’s so dangerous to take street drugs, much more when it has been mixed with other drugs, prescribed or not.

I couldn’t help but remember the days when Ryeowook was very alert and hyper during our y, Free and Single preparations. We just finished our 4th Super Show and as we were preparing for our upcoming album, Ryeowook would be so down during the nights but when we were rehearsing, he would catch up with the choreography and would be so upbeat. I never knew. I just thought that it wasn’t anything major. I never knew that his behaviour altered due to the mixing of street drugs and his medication.

Hold on… Some of you may be confused about the period of time this happened. I think I may have to back it up a bit and go back to when it started. Not that I care if you care, all you have to do is listen and go through this with me. Is that so hard to do? You already abandoned me once, don’t do it again guys… and girls.

Ever since the hospital incident, I’ve been seeing a  psychiatrist at least once per week without anyone knowing aside from Jongwoon hyung. It was our mini deal after my first suicide attempt. At first, I only went to my psychiatrist for counselling. I didn’t really tell him anything during our first session. I couldn’t, I don’t know how but eventually I told him bits and pieces but not everything. He couldn’t possibly help a person as broken as me.

I was still unable to open up to my psychiatrist and within a few sessions, he started to prescribe antidepressant drugs to help me with my depression and anxiety.

The prescription antidepressant drugs worked for a few weeks then when things started to worsen with the whole Beige thing, the medication worked less effectively. When I went to my psychiatrist next, he increased my antidepressant prescription but I still couldn’t fully open up to him. I continued to tell my psychiatrist bits and pieces from the past and present, but never the whole story. 

I know that my past will continuously stay with me until I die but I still had a glimmer of h