Kyuhyun’s POV

There are so many questions I want to ask Ryeowook. I want to ask who they told about their relationship. I want to ask Ryeowook why he didn’t tell me. I want to ask why Ryeowook hid his relationship from us, if other members also don’t know about it. I want to ask why.

I was too absorbed with my jumbled thoughts that I forgot Donghae’s presence.

“Kyu?” Donghae called.

I was brought back to reality when Donghae called my name. I looked at his direction and voiced one of my questions out loud, “Did you know?”

I looked at Donghae and he wasn’t taken aback from my sudden question. It was almost like he expected that question already.

“Before or after?” Donghae asked.

“What do you mean before?” I asked him curiously.

“Did I know that they dated before I listened to the tapes? No. I only found out that they dated after I listened to the tapes. Not a lot of people knew I guess,” Donghae explained.

It took me a minute to grasp what Donghae just said. If Donghae didn’t know, who were the few people who knew?

“If you didn’t know before, do you know who did?” I asked.

No answer.

I understood what that silence meant and asked another question.

“Do you hate Ryeowook for making you listen to the tapes?” I asked Donghae.

“I wouldn’t say hate, hate is a strong word,” Donghae replied.

I looked at him and he looked back at me as if he was studying my face.

I didn’t reply and waited for his explanation.  Donghae took a deep breath and continued, “At first I wondered why. I wondered why of all people, why did he choose me. I wondered… what made him decide to give me the second set of tapes. Then I realized. Like I told you before, Ryeowook is smart. He knows me very well. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows that I’m smart but just a little bit slow. He also knows that I would do anything for him… for you guys because I love Super Junior. Super Junior is like my second family. So when I heard about the things certain members did to him, I began to wonder how much of my relationship with everyone else has been real… or were they just lies as well. Was it just all for the camera or were we actually close like our image say we were.”

We both became quiet and I didn’t know how to respond to that. Donghae opened up to me again. He let his barriers down and let me see from his perspective. Just like me, he’s been struggling with differentiating what reality is anymore. We’re both struggling with what reality is anymore after listening to the tapes.

It’s been hard for me and I know that it must be hard for Donghae as well. Listening to the story of how someone you care about died and knowing that there’s nothing you could do to change that fact is devastating to know and accept.

It’s hard when you start contemplating how much of your life has been real. I’m starting to do that now. Ever since I listened to these tapes, it’s making me question what is real anymore… how much of this has been fake?

“Kyu?” Donghae called again.

I was brought back to reality again and momentarily stopped my mental babble with myself.

I said, “I know. I’ve been struggling with that too. I’ve been questioning the reality of my life and question what in my life has been a lie. I noticed something during the last tape though. When he was talking about ruining Henry’s innocence, I think he was directly speaking towards you afterwards.”

“I know. I realized that when I understood why he chose me. I think I had that innocence that Ryeowook said that Henry has. I was innocent in terms with being naïve and gullible. I used to believe someone just because I trusted them. I used to trust people easily. But after hearing Ryeowook’s tapes, I learned how to be more street smart. I learned how to think critically and ask why. I learned how to analyze and understand people. I learned how to understand people and what their motives could be. As I learned how to think critically, I also began to analyze my life and question the validity of my life. At first I was hurt. I was really hurt to know that people could do such things. Then I realized that the protective guard that I surrounded myself didn’t really help. It’s like turning a blind eye when you see something wrong. I told you before that I’m not the same person as I was