I feel awful and wonderful at the same time, my head feels like it’s going to blow up soon, my nose is trying to forcefully amputate itself and my eyes are like burning in acid but the moment I saw your face I ‘felt like I’m in heaven and all the suffering is worth it.

She can’t say that because Yuri might find her very out of her mind.

“I feel sick like really sick and I think I’m hallucinating or dreaming right now. Are you real?” Yoona furrowed her eyebrows and stared at the figure in front of her trying to figure out which is real and not.

A small smile escaped Yuri’s lips and she tried her best to look cool and unamused instead of pinching the cute sick girl’s cheeks.

“What do you think? Am I?” Yuri teased the girl and removed the towel to feel the other girl’s forehead. She frowned when it was still a bit hot.

“I think you’re real. Well I hope you are because I’ll be so much crazier than I really am if you’re not.” Yoona said as she contemplated to herself.

This time Yuri chuckled and pinched Yoona’s already red nose.

“Just stop talking and let me take care of you.” Yuri stood up to get Yoona’s medicine.

“But—“

“No buts Yoona. I don’t like to see you suffering like that.” There was a tender tone in Yuri’s voice making Yoona stop from protesting and lay back down in the comfy bed.

Yoona was secretly smiling to herself. She knows that this is real. Whenever she dreams of Yuri, sure her heart beats faster but this time, she felt like it’s going to beat out of her chest and the warm feeling enveloping her was making her so comfortable that slowly she drifted off to sleep, knowing she will no longer face another nightmare.

When Yuri came back with the medicine and a glass of water, she couldn’t help but sigh as she looked at Yoona’s peacefully sleeping face. It was the complete opposite of the struggling girl from last night and somehow it made her happy that maybe, Yoona is really going to be alright. Having no strength in her heart to mercilessly wake up the girl, Yuri resumed her position on the chair and leaned her upper body to the bed to take a short nap.

*

Yuri felt something heavy was covering her and she tried to move but she was restricted. She carefully opened her eyes and was immediately filled with confusion when she found herself on the bed. She looked around and realized that she was chained down by the hugging girl beside her with her arms wrapped tightly around her waist and their legs tangled together.

She couldn’t comprehend how she got into the bed but she was okay with it as she remembered how her back ached from bending too much last night.

Her mind and body completely froze as the sleeping girl moved her head and snuggled comfortably into her neck. Yuri can ultimately confirm the feeling of Yoona’s forehead, nose and lips on her skin and it’s making her flush red and feel warm all over.

“Go back to sleep.” Yoona mumbled, moving her lips against Yuri’s skin. It was Yuri’s heart’s turn to run faster making sleep a bit too hard to attain now.

Yuri stared at the ceiling, trying to calm herself down when she felt the weight removed from her and Yoona rolled off of her. She can’t deny the fact that she missed the warmth already.

She followed Yoona with her eyes and realized the girl going to the bathroom; she sighed in relief as the girl could actually walk straight and safely arrived to her destination.

*

After doing her business, Yoona stood in front of the mirror, letting the water run and splash her hands. She washed her face and stared at her reflection.

How long can you hold on Yoona? It’ s so damn hard to move on when we keep on acting like we’re still together yet in all sense we’re not.

One, two, three hot tears fell and Yoona can’t deny the dilemma she feels right now.

I kiss her and later I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I hug her and I feel like I’m committing a crime. I hold her hand and I feel like I’m sinning. I love her and I feel like I’m burning in hell.

Why can’t you just tell me what we are right now Yuri? So I can tell what’s right from wrong. So I’ll know when to stop and when to hold on. We can’t be like this, acting so much in love when we’re not even together.

Yoona splashed water into her face once more erasing her tears. She knows all she can do is wait, wait for Yuri; it’s not that hard right?

She made her way out and stood beside the bed. Yuri fell asleep in the same position as she left her.

She’s here for me. Is it okay even just for now for me to feel that she’s mine again?

She sighed and went to bed, turning her back to Yuri before she makes mistakes again. Curling her body underneath the covers she never realized it was so cold. She tried to sleep but she can’t and she ended up staring at the wall, thinking how things could have been if only they didn’t break up.

If only..if only..

She stopped thinking when someone hugged her from behind, wrapping her body with this enormous warmth.

I love you still.

*

They both woke up hungry. Sleeping for hours they didn’t get to eat even breakfast and the clock showed it was already two in the afternoon.

“Let me call Robert. He’ll give us something to eat.” Yoona said as she stood up from the bed. The two was rather acting awkwardly after waking up all tangled up with each other with their faces to intimately close.

After a few minutes, there was a knock on the door and it revealed Robert and some maids carrying plates of food for the two. They placed the food at the mini living room and went out again.

Robert stopped by the door and looked at his young mistress.

“How are you feeling child? Good thing Yuri came over, you look better today.” Robert gave a small smile.

“I’m feeling fine, a little tired but I’ll be okay.” Yoona smiled genuinely knowing she had made the older man worry for her.

“Okay I’ll leave you now. Just call if you need anything.” Robert closed the door carefully and Yoona was back with the awkward atmosphere.

“Let’s eat Yuri.” Yoona said as she moved towards the food. Yuri followed and sat at the opposite chair.

They were eating in silence and as they finally ended, Yuri stood up and picked up the thermometer.

“Okay Yoona, let’s check your temperature.”

Yoona just looked at Yuri and stared absentmindedly.

“What?” She asked as Yuri went closer and raised her hand.

“I said let’s check if you still have a fever.” Yuri said as she stretched Yoona’s pyjama top to insert the thing into Yoona’s armpit before she lowered her hand once more.

Yoona’s ears are as red as boiled crabs as she sat still, hoping so much to hear the beeping sound already. Why on earth does Yuri have this thermometer? Why not use a tympanic thermometer instead?

Yoona almost audible sighed in relief as she heard the beeping sound.

“Hmm, you’re still hot but not as hot as last night.”

Somehow that phrase sounded weird in Yoona’s ears.

“Thanks.” She said as she focused her eyes on the table. Yuri laughed at how cute Yoona was acting and offered the medicine.

“Here drink this.”

She drank it immediately and contorted her face as if in pain.

“Blech, why was that so bitter?” She tried some juice to cover up the taste.

“Well, what do you usually drink? Tablets don’t have flavours anymore.” Yuri snickered.

*

They both stayed inside Yoona’s room and it made the girl wonder if Yuri’s okay to be there with her. Don’t her family and friends miss her?

“Yuri.” She called out to the girl beside her on the couch who was watching a swimming competition on TV.

“Yes?” Yuri answered without taking her eyes off the screen.

“Aren’t they looking for you? It’s like—like five in the afternoon. And I’m guessing you’ve been here since dawn.” She said as she checked her watch.

“You want me out already?” This time Yuri was looking back to her, their eyes fixed with each other, head both resting on the couch.

“Do I really have to answer?” Yoona lolled her head back straight to stare at the ceiling instead.

“I guess you don’t need me here anymore.” Yuri sighed and started to stand up. Yoona enjoyed the look of Yuri in her pyjamas but she hated the fact that she’s turning her back on her again.

Yuri was about to turn away when she felt Yoona’s cold hand on hers, stopping her to walk further and reminding her how sick Yoona is.

“I didn’t mean that. The last thing I want to see is you walking out on me again.” Yoona said with her fragile voice. She stopped her violent sneezing and coughing but was itching still and her voice was a bit raspy.

Yuri sat back down. Why does she have to be so impatient and ill-tempered? Doesn’t she realize that she’s playing with Yoona’s feelings once again? Yoona was feeling love sick too, and that’s worse than any sickness in the world.

Yoona was about to let go of Yuri’s hand but Yuri held on, gently intertwining their fingers together, loving the feeling of the perfect fit.

“I’m sorry Yoona.”

This time Yoona was fed up. She wanted answers, answers that Yuri should have given her long ago.

“Tell me Yuri; is it really that easy for you to walk away from me? Am I that easy to leave?” Yoona’s voice cracked. Maybe it’s because her body was sick that her mind and heart was weak in its resolve. She was getting impatient too.

Her voice wasn’t angry or demanding, it sounded hurt and hopeless and that was what scared Yuri the most; the thought of hurting Yoona so much that she eventually give up on her. Yuri has never felt this selfish until now.

“I don’t know if you’ll believe this Yoona, but every time I walk away from you is the worst feeling that I could ever feel—“

Yoona suddenly chuckled bitterly and raised one of her arms to cover her face as she placed her head on the back of the couch looking up the ceiling once more.

“You say it’s the worst but you still do it anyways.” This time tears were visibly falling off her face. “I just don’t understand Yuri. One day I feel like everything’s going to be okay and we’re both in love then the next you shrug me off and then once again you show me you care. It’s confusing.”

Yoona rolled her head to one side to look at Yuri who was silently sobbing meeting her gaze.

“Tell me, what am I to you Yuri? Please tell me so that I will know how to act around you. So that I’ll stop assuming things are okay when they’re not. Please.”

The silence slashed through Yoona’s heart mercilessly, tears unending.

Finally Yuri spoke.

“You’re my greatest love Yoona. Though our relationship ended, I never stopped loving you and I guess I never will.”

A sob escaped from Yoona as more tears fell.

“Then why? Why are we both suffering right now if we’re feeling the same way?”

Yuri moved closer and wiped Yoona’s tears with her thumb.

“I want you to have someone who can walk with you on the streets hand in hand. I want you to be able to kiss her whenever and wherever you wanted. I want you to love someone without holding back and receive the same love that you deserve. I can’t give you that right now. I guess I can only love you in secret, and that’s going to be unfair to you.”

“Your hand is the only one I want to hold, your lips are the only ones I ever want to kiss and you’re the only person that I want to love. It’s going to be unfair. Nothing’s fair in love. All I want is a chance. Give us a chance Yuri.”

“I am just going to hurt you sooner or later. I can’t do that anymore.”

Yuri looked away blinking away her tears.

Yoona gave a small laugh.

“I don’t mind the pain. Having you back is worth it because not having you around is more painful than anything else.”

“What if one day we fall out of love? What will happen then? Our sacrifices will be in vain.” Yuri looked back at Yoona.

“Isn’t it better knowing that we tried and got hurt than just leave it hanging? We’re still young Yuri. This is my first love I’m fighting for. I won’t promise you forever but I’ll make sure you’ll know I love you every day and make you love me too. We have to work for this Yuri. I really am trying to make this work. Will you?”

Yuri wiped away her tears. How can Yoona still love her unconditionally? Aren’t they still young to commit themselves?

“I love you Yuri, every little bit about you.”

This time Yoona hugged Yuri tenderly, making the girl feel the love she was talking about and willing to fight for until the end.

Coz all of me, loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I’ll give my all to you

You’re my end and my beginning

Even when I lose I’m winning.

“I love you too Yoona and you will always have all of me.”

The kiss they shared had never tasted any sweeter, knowing they belong to each other once again.