“Yoong, I think we should go.” Taeyeon unnie said as she walked towards me after she loaded up their car. They were just waiting for me since we’re already set. We’re supposed to go an hour ago but I can’t. I’m still waiting for her.

I glanced once more at my phone hoping she’ll send me a message or call me but as I count every second that passed, I can’t help but feel fear and disappointment mixing to my sadness.

“Just a little bit unnie.” I said and gave her a small forced smile.

She’ll be here, she’ll come. Just be patient Yoona, Yuri will come.

“Okay. Just tell us whenever you’re ready Yoong, we’ll just wait inside.” I gave her a small nod and continued to stare at my phone.

I’ve been standing for quite some time now and I can feel my legs getting numb. I sighed for the nth time and decided to sit on the front porch. I want Yuri to see me first the moment she gets here. I looked around the place that had been my home for some time.

I’m surely going to miss this place; the place of my first and last love.

I smiled at the flowers in front of me and remembered something from the diary.

You’ve seen her already right? My girl, Kwon Yuri, yes I finally fulfilled my promise to you.

I averted my gaze to the sky, it was fair this morning but as hours passed, clouds appeared making it a little dark than usual.

It will rain soon.

The wind is blowing a little bit harder, like shooing me away, engulfing me with its coldness. I grabbed my arms around me for some warmth and rubbed them. I can feel my body tremble with the cold. How can everything change at such instant? Is life really like this? One second you bathe with happiness and warmth the next second you’re drowning in sadness and freeze from the cold?

I look beyond the field of flowers, towards the Old Red Road, towards you.

My eyes are failing me, why have my vision become so hazy? I removed my arms around me and started to reach out to my eyes. What is this? I blinked and I can feel warm liquid flowing freely from them. I’m crying?

I tried to laugh. Silly me! Why am I crying?

Honey is coming! I should cheer up! I couldn’t let her see me like this. What if she won’t find me beautiful anymore if I’m crying?

I rubbed my hands to my face to dry up the fallen tears. But the more I try to stop them from falling the more my heart seems to drown. I touched my chest. Calm down heart, do you not trust her?

I decided to walk around to ease my feelings that are slowly eating me alive. I arrived at the foot of the tree-house.

I climbed up and sat on the bed. I never really had the time to be here that much as I wanted. With my feet on the floor, I slowly leaned back to lie down.

I came here as a girl but now I will come home a woman.

A woman, who fell in love, broke her heart and have it beating again. I am a woman now for I knew how to love and be loved in return. I may have already felt the most painful feeling of heartbreak but I conquered it.

I don’t know why but my heart seems to be afraid of something. Am I going to be hurt again?

I closed my eyes for a little while as memories of Yuri come flashing back like a mini-video inside my head.

I wonder where you are.

Gently my eyes opened as I felt another presence inside the room.

“There you are.”

I looked at the figure in the doorway and for that instant my heart leaped in joy and my smile found its way back to my lips.

“Hon.” That was the only thing I could say as I rushed up to give her a hug.

I breathe in her scent as I buried my nose into her neck and she did the same. I loved how the coldness just vanished with a simple touch from the one you love.

“I thought you already left, I was so scared.”

“I could never leave without seeing you first.” I confessed and looked into her eyes. I see sadness and pain that it clenched my heart knowing I have caused them yet again.

One by one tears fell and as if I was transported to another world with every word that was spoken.

I stared at her and looked at her lips as it moved and words came out but I never heard her. I tried to listen but everything just didn’t register in my brain.

All I can remember was the sound of our hearts shattering, the feeling of my tears wetting my face, and how wet my hands were as I tried to dry up your tears.

You are now looking at me, waiting for my reaction after what you’ve said and I can only give you two words.

“I can’t.”

“Please hon, I can’t do this anymore. Just—“ She stopped as she choke on a sob, making my heart ache a little bit more.

“Just let me go.” It came out as a whisper but unlike the words you’ve said earlier I can hear them perfectly and if a broken heart can get broken again, I can even say it just pulverized the remaining pieces.

And I say my answer again.

“I can’t.” I said as I cupped her face, staring at her eyes, hoping to let her know that her request is unbearable.

“Yes you can. You can find someone better. Yoona, we’re still young. Don’t tie yourself to me when the world is ready for you to choose from!” She exclaimed clearly frustrated with my stubbornness.

“Tell me Yuri, how can I ever have someone better when I already found the best? My heart already chose you.” I answered as she pushed my hands away and walked towards the bed and sat down, covering her face with her hands. Even with the gesture I can still clearly see the tears falling down.

I kneeled in front of her and gently removed her hands and held them with mine.

“Tell me Yuri, how can you just give me away?” I said as I frowned to stop the tears but I failed because the worst feeling is someone you love letting you go when you’re willing to risk your life just to hold on.

I let go of her hands as I covered my mouth to mask the sobs coming out.

“I’m sorry.” I heard her whimper.

“Don’t say that. Don’t say you’re sorry because it hurts me more.” I said and bowed my head. I never tried to wipe away the tears anymore and just let it go, watching it as they fell to the wooden floor.

I felt dead. No, not dead; because if I’m dead, I won’t be able to feel the pain I am feeling right now. This is worse than what I felt before. It amazed me because I already thought that was the worst thing that can happen, but apparently Yuri can do so much more.

I fell on my back as Yuri jumped down to hug me.

I savoured the hug and closed my eyes, with my arms hugging her back on their own.

*

And everything became a blur in my memory.

I don’t know how I was able to drive but I remember the many times I stopped in the side of the road to clear my eyes with the tears that won’t stop from falling.

“I’ll miss you.”

I grabbed my head with the pain accompanying the memory you left me.

“I wish you the best.”

I already had the best but she chose to tear me apart.

“Be happy.”

I was until you let me go.

Of all the words you told me that day, I was still waiting for you to say those three words.

I love you.

Because when you say it, no matter how broken I am, I would still say, “I love you too.”

*

“Are you happy now?!” I shouted as she entered my room after I came home.

“Why do you think of me as an enemy Yuri? I am just protecting you!”

“Protecting me? From what? Love?!” I said and buried my face to my pillow, I cried harder as I can still smell your perfume.

“Love? Can you hear yourself Yuri? You’re too young to fall in love! And can you even call that love? In love with a girl?! Wake up! Can’t you see how wrong it is?!”

I just shut up. With that I closed my mouth, forgetting my voice for I know I will never be heard. I refused to listen because I want to live in a world where there is only the two of us. I want to forget today; the day I broke both of our hearts.

I’m a coward.

“Yuri! Say something or I’ll tell uncle about this!” There she is, threatening me again. I wanted to be strong, for you, for us. But I just crumble knowing that the whole world will be unforgiving for the two of us. I fool myself with the belief that you deserve so much more than a spiteful life with me.

“What do you want me to say Sica?” I said tiredly, lifting my face from the pillow. I feel so tired, so dead without you Honey.

She slowly walked towards me and sat on the bed. She caressed my back to soothe me but her touch was like poison killing me further. I wanted to feel the warmth of a touch but my body perfectly knew who it was that I wanted.

“One day you will understand. I care for you couz. Don’t forget that.” She said as tears started to fall again.

One day I will understand. But what will I understand? That breaking your heart was the right thing to do? Or to realize that I woke up from a dream that was never meant to be?

Or to finally understand that I should’ve hold on?

Right now all I know is that I am not worthy of you.

I let you go.

All I want to say is that, “I still love you.”

And I look forward to the day that I can say it back to you again and to hear you say that you still do.

*

I stretched my arms as I went out of the car.

A week has passed ever since that fateful day but my heart is still the same.

“Hey Yoong, how do you like your new house?” My dad beamed as he opened the door to the house I’m going to share with the Kim cousins as we study.

“It’s cool.” I said. I walked inside and inspected the surroundings. It was a modern house with four bedrooms on the second floor, each with a bathroom, with the living room and the kitchen on the first floor.

It was a dream house for a college girl.

“Go check out the rooms and choose which one you like, the cousins already chose theirs so just choose between the last two on the right side. Okay?” My dad said as he turned to talk to the driver.

I walked up and took off my coat and glasses.

I’ve been hiding my eyes from everyone. I don’t want them to see how hollow they are.

I opened the last room and looked inside. It was so much like my room back in the lake house. But it wasn’t the reason I chose it.

I walked gently towards the cream-colored wall and stared at the painting.

I reached out my hand to touch it with a finger.

It was the lake.

I can feel the tears building up again but I stopped them as I heard my father’s footsteps nearing.

“I knew you’d choose this.” He said as he hugged me.

“Look at my little girl, all grown up.” He was tearing and I let out a soft chuckle.

“Daddy!” I said and gave him a playful slap.

“I don’t think your mom can handle having you this far.” He spoke as he sat on the bed; I walked and opened up the glass door leading to the veranda, with a rocking chair waiting to be occupied.

“I’ll miss you dad and mom too. When is she coming?” I asked as I went back inside.

“She’ll be here tomorrow.”

“Well, enough with the drama, I better unpack before mom freaks out when she gets here.” I laughed a bit to ease the atmosphere. My dad ruffled my hair and went out.

I started unpacking and placed everything in order. As much as possible I busy myself to stop from dwelling on my memories of you.

I sighed as I held the diary.

I sat on the chair facing the desk.

I opened the pages one by one, sometimes smiling, others I just let the tears fall.

I looked outside the window looking at the same sky.

How are you Yuri?

*

“Don’t worry dear, the next thing you know you’re already loving it here in HEC!” Mom said excitedly.

“Yes mom.”

“Chase your dreams dear.” Dad said as he kissed me on the cheek.

I’ve already let go of my dream.