I closed my eyes, I listened to my erratic heartbeat, I focused on my uneven breathing, I felt the warm teardrops falling from my eyes, I shrugged at the wind and continued on hugging my knees. I tucked my head deeper into my hands, forming a wall against the world. I’m tired of getting hurt, but pain seems to love my company for never, even once it left my heart. I cried my heart out, my frustrations, my insecurities, all of my memories, both happy and sad, they are all fuel to the excruciating pain I’m feeling right now.

I wish I was numb. I wish I never fell in love in the first place. I wish I fell for a man.

Impossible.

All of those are impossible. They are just petty imaginations of a coward like me. But how can I call myself a coward when here I am seated just beside Yuri? For once in my life, I accepted my faults, I never ran away, and as much as I’m hurting right now, the pain is just worth it.

You were worth it Yuri, always.

I looked up and tried to wipe my tears away with my hands. I looked at Yuri who was crying silently to herself. I wanted to wrap my arms around her to show her that I’m still here.

No matter how broken my heart is there’s still a piece that cares for her a lot. I ignored the voice telling me to go back, to just leave things as it is. But the larger part of my heart urged me to do the only thing I wanted to do right now.

I hugged Yuri.

I felt her tense at my actions but I kept my hold of her firm, just wanting to be there for her, even if just for a friend.

“I’m sorry Yuri. I never meant for you to feel this way.” I whispered as I placed my head just above hers. I felt her relax and respond to my embrace. It tugged on my heartstrings knowing that this could be the last time I’ll be able to hug her this way.

She never spoke to me. We were just there sitting side by side, her head on my shoulder, my back on a tree as I was holding her. We were both crying silently, I felt tired. How I wish Yuri just slapped me, say mean words to me, say how evil I was for playing her. It was so much better than be like this. It made me feel just how wrong it was for making her cry like this. She doesn’t deserve a bit of this at all.

It was already 3 o’clock in the afternoon when I finally realized that Yuri was sleeping on my arm. She must be exhausted with all that crying. We missed lunch, my stomach was telling me that and how I hoped I wouldn’t wake her up just yet. I wanted this moment to last, just Yuri, here in my arms.

I guess I used up all my wishes because I felt Yuri move and sit back up, making me break my hold on her. Now, we are just sitting idly beside each other.

“I’m hungry.” That’s the only thing she said. I stood up and offered my hand. I know I’d just probably break my heart again if she rejects it, but I felt warmness creeping through me once again when she grabbed my hand and we walked together.

We stood there at the parking lot. Honestly I don’t want to let go of her hand.

“I’ll just leave my car here and have someone pick it up for me.” She said as she guided me towards my car.

I unlocked my car and opened the passenger’s door for her. When she was comfortably seated, I walked hastily towards the driver’s seat. I started to drive slowly, trying to calm down my nerves.

“Where do you want to eat?” I asked her as we a curb.

“I’ll just tell you the directions.” She said quietly while looking out the window. I sighed and just continued straight.

She speaks softly giving me directions, and aside from that, the awkward silence engulfs us again. One song kept on playing in my head and every word is like a blade slashing through my heart. Some of the lyrics even changed to my own story.

Summer after high school when we first met,

We went out to the lake and called it a date,

We loved to ride my kayak and stare up to the moon.

I had a virtual lover but you didn’t know,

As days went by I fell for you,

The questions kept on haunting,

Do you love me too?

In another life, I would be your girl

We keep all our promise, be us against the world

In another life, I will make you stay,

And I don’t have to say,

You were the one that got away, the one that got away.

I’d be looking forward to the day I’d stop thinking of you with every heart breaking love song.

We finally arrived at a cozy restaurant and I was amazed by how elegant it looks as it was situated away from town and was surrounded by a magnificent garden.

Yuri walked in front of me and I simply followed.

When we were inside, we immediately sat at a table out in the veranda, enjoying the fresh air. We ordered our food and waited for it to arrive.

“Yoona, you said you love me?” Yuri’s voice was like a child’s, full of wonder and curiosity.

“Yes, I do.” I simply replied as I looked at her, hoping she get the message that I’m still in love with her.

“You broke up with me. You said you were in love with someone else.” She said. I bowed my head.

“I broke up with Honey.”

“But I am Honey.” She said eagerly.

“I didn’t know you were, and I’m truly sorry for bringing you such pain.” I replied now looking at her.

“Okay. So who is this person who made you fall in love?” She asked again.

I decided to bare my heart to Yuri. There was no point in lying, and I know, the truth will be the only cure to our miserable hearts.

I breathe in deep and slowly exhaled.

“I fell in love with you, Yuri.” I said with as much honesty that I can gather.

Her eyes widened a bit, a hint of confusion clearly written on her furrowed eyebrows.

“But you said—“

I cut her off.

“I broke up with Honey because I fell in love with you Yuri. I broke up with Honey because I felt like I was cheating on her whenever I was with you. I never wanted to hurt Honey because I loved her, but not as much as I love you. But it was silly, and a futile attempt of not hurting you because all along I fell in love with the same person.” I tried my hardest to explain to her.

She just stared at me; her lost eyes conveyed that she was thinking hard.

Only the sound of the blowing wind interferes with the heavy silence that was lingering around us. Finally the food arrived and I was given the excuse of shifting my focus. Yuri just stared blankly at the table, still in the midst of thinking. I called out her name but she seems not to hear me.

I touched her hand and gave her a small smile.

She looked up to me, eyes still confused but she managed to smile back and started eating. The food was delicious and I couldn’t help but dig in swiftly knowing I almost starved.

When I finished eating, Yuri was still midway and was concentrating on her food. I decided to close my eyes a little, all the crying and sleepless nights were tolling on me.

I woke up with the sound of someone giggling. When I realized I slept I immediately adjusted myself and sat straight, looking down from embarrassment.

“Do you usually sleep on your dates?” Yuri was losing her battle with a fit of giggles; I flushed back with her question.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sleep, I just—“ I stammered and she cut me off by holding my hand. I raised my head and looked at her with my big round doe eyes.

“It’s okay really; you look so cute and peaceful when you sleep.” She smiled genuinely. “Besides I’m tired of hearing ‘I’m sorry’ from you all the time.”

I bowed my head as sadness crept back in.

“Yoona, look at me.” She said gently as I tried to hold back my tears.

I raised my head once more as I blinked back some tears in my eyes.

“Let me say I’m sorry too. For some time I only thought about myself, for how much I’ve been hurting that I never really thought of how you would feel. I’ve seen you cry and it hurts me seeing you hurt that I realized, finally realized that you’ve been hurting too, as much or even more than me.” She was now holding my hand as I absorbed everything she just said.

“I never wanted to believe it that Honey is a girl, that Honey was you Yoona. I wanted to continue believing in my delusion that Honey was my prince charming. I always wanted to have a boyfriend like him, so funny, caring, and romantic—everything you can wish for a guy. But maybe it was too much to ask for a guy because in the end, it was you, you’re a girl.”

She squeezed my hand as a lone tear escaped from my eyes. Here comes the heartache.

“But looking back, you never said you were a guy. I fell in love with Honey voluntarily, blindly. I fell in love with you Yoona and it’s not something you should be sorry about.” She smiled at me again.

“Honestly, when I met you, I’ve started to act differently, as what my friends say. I’ve always put you first in all I do. Will Yoona like this? Or this? Even the simple things became about you that sometimes I wonder if all I ever felt was friendship. I was afraid when I finally realized it was you. I was scared of loving you because you’re a girl, and so am I. If I never felt anything for you, I probably went home already to cry my eyes out, but here I am still spending the day with you.” She inhaled deeply and stared at my tear-filled eyes. She started to wipe the tears that were falling, beyond my control. I must look pathetic right now.

“When I saw you sleeping and exhausted with that pained expression, I knew I’d never want you to feel that way again. That validated my deepest fear—I’m in love with you Yoona.” She smiled brightly at me and I finally snapped back to myself after what she said.

“What?” My voice was coarse from all that internal sobbing.

“I said I’m in love with you Yoona.” She giggled and my eyes widened.

“But—but you said you can’t because you’re a girl and so am I” My voice trailed off as I stared at her.

“I can Yoona, you are the only exception, for you I can and I will.” She smiled at me. So that’s why she was thinking so hard earlier. I finally smiled and held her hand. I don’t know what to say. Happiness got the best of me.

“Aren’t you going to say, ‘I love you’ too?” She pouted and I laughed a bit. I held both of her hands on my own and kissed them as I stared lovingly at her.

“I love you Kwon Yuri, I always had and I always will.” I smiled as she caressed my face.

“You better not break my heart again Hon.” She said with a pout.

“I won’t.” I grinned.

“Even if you fall in love with someone else named Kwon Yuri, you must never break up with me, understand?” She chuckled as I let out a hearty laugh.

“Of course Hon.” I giggled.

I’m so happy that the girl of my dreams is now in my reality. Now that we are together, I don’t want to have secrets and that includes Toothy. I felt the diary in my back pocket and sighed. It’s now or never.

I grabbed the diary and held it in front of us. Yuri eyed the item with curiosity and my tongue tied, not knowing what to say.

“Hon, I have something to say.” I started.

She alternated her gaze at me and the diary in front of us. I cleared my throat.

“It’s about Toothy..”