I gasped for air as I sat upright in the bath tub.

I looked at the hot water in front of me; I bet a lot of them were my tears.

I couldn’t see clearly, my eyes are swollen and I feel like I’m involuntarily squinting.

I frowned.

This is the third time I attempted drowning in the tub but the reflex to gasp air is just too much for me to overcome and I end up panting, missing the element I harshly avoided for minutes.

I feel so stupid.

I’m a stupid, heartless, cheating jerk and now everything is coming back to me like a tsunami and no matter how much I’m struggling, I just couldn’t die already.

My life is now an empty hollow of darkness.

I laugh at how silly I’ve become.

I was a happy person before, always a believer that there is hope and whenever there is darkness, there will always be light behind it.

I was a fool for thinking how desperate suicidal people are.

I regret it all now.

Suicide, is not a weakness, it is a cry for help.

For me now, suicide is a sweet escape.

I never knew it would be this hard.

Should I try pills then?

Nah, we don’t have anything poisonous here.

How about I hang myself?

I’ll look weird when I die, I couldn’t have that.

I know!

I’ll shoot myself!

I gave a wicked, tired smile with my genius idea.

Wait, where will I get a gun?

Granddad has a hunting rifle but it’s too old and big, I don’t even know how to use it.

Dad has none, as well as mom and Robert.

Hmmmmmm.

Ding!

The IMs!

I should sneak on them in their hiding place, I’m sure they have some with them!

Let’s see, where could they be?

I stood up and wore by robe.

I peeked on my balcony and started my search for the said men.

It was oddly quiet and my parents and Robert aren’t home yet.

With my eagle but swollen eyes, I studied every tree and bush.

Aha!

I frowned as I realized that it was just a squirrel.

Hunting invisible people is not that easy.

Everything is not easy anymore, even breathing seems to be a burden with my clogged up nose.

I bet I look horrible right now.

I should just jump off from the balcony.

My eyes glinted with excitement with my new idea, but when I looked down, I wasn’t contented with the height.

I’ll just suffer in a hospital somewhere with severe injuries but the fall won’t kill me.

I slumped in bed and stared at the ceiling.

It is funny when the only thing that motivates you to move is the thought of killing yourself.

I have reduced into this pathetic earthling unworthy of everything even the air that flows into my system.

I felt anger consuming me again.

I punched and punched the pillow beside me, giving all of my frustrations and heartache with every move until exhaustion and emptiness halted me and I ended up lying down again.

When I thought I ran out of tears, here they are again, proving their abundance, letting me know that I can still feel the pain I’ve caused myself.

Stupid love.

Is it really a developmental thing?

Then why is it that I feel like the only person in the world to feel such pain, repulsion and hatred towards that feeling?

Am I being dysfunctional and am I unable to conquer this stage in life?

Is this how my life ends? Am I going to be stuck in this state forever?

I wanted to say it’s unfair.

But I couldn’t.

I deserve this and sadly, I don’t know why.

I loved as much as I could.

I loved them all, I accepted the pain, I wanted to be right and just but I ended up hurting all that I love.

Do I deserve this?

Yes I do.

I stood up and walked towards my mirror and stood in front of it.

I admired myself.

I look absolutely disastrous.

My hair was still a bit wet, tangled and wild, directionless I may say.

My robe was unkempt.

My eyes were red and puffy.

My nose is red and swollen.

My lips are pale.

A beautiful sight; perfect for someone who had lost her heart and soul into the ruthless world.

I clenched my fists.

I stared at the coward looking back at me.

You’re only brave in your mind Yoona.

You can never be brave enough to confess your sins.

You will never be brave enough to undo what you did.

You will never be brave enough to love again.

Hell, you aren’t even brave enough to kill yourself.

I laughed out loud, the kind of depressing laugh you only hear from those who have lost their minds.

I might as well admit myself for psychiatric evaluation and confinement.

It’s only been a few hours but I felt as if my whole life had already passed before me and like a train ride, I totally missed it.

I squatted down in the floor.

Let us calculate the odds.

If I die now, my parents will lose their only child and the Im family will be devastated and there will be no one to attend tea parties for them anymore when they’re too old.

If I die now, I won’t have a proper burial since the Kim cousins will probably dig me up and beat me to a second death for dying on them this early.

If I die now, who will eat my food stocks at home and the refrigerators I filled with supplies? Food should never be wasted; a shikshin’s oath.

If I die now, I’d probably go to hell and aside from swimming in the eternal flames as a punishment; I’d spend my eternity with guilt and regret for hurting Yuri.

I snapped back to reality.

Yuri.

Yuri as in Hearty, Honey, Yuri.

My three in one love life.

My face went blank as I laid flat on the floor.

I never thought my bear rug will be this comfy; I should sleep here some time.

I the rug and felt how comforting it is to my hand.

I sneered.

But it will never be as comfortable as Yuri’s hand in mine.

I let my mind travel back its memory lane with Yuri; starting with Hearty.

An innocent love, confusing, gentle and simple, but it ended with a tragedy.

Honey was my official first girl. We had the cute, playful relationship any teen would want, until I broke off her heart.

Yuri, she was the reason I broke up with Honey and now, only to realize that it was her.

Everything I had with Yuri ended with pain and sadness.

Maybe we aren’t meant to be?

That’s why this is happening?

Then why on earth would fate bring us back together for three times for heaven’s sake if we’re not meant to be with each other?

Isn’t it cruel enough to hurt us both, not only once or twice but thrice already?

Sometimes I wonder what God is up to.

Are you planning to put some permanent happiness in my life?

As far as I’m concerned, you give me some happiness and take them away when I thought I had them.

I knew I never doubted the heavens before, but with much I’m going through, I couldn’t help but ask.

I went back to my weighing.

I can only think of one thing to keep me alive.

Yuri.

I know I’m too young to succumb into this seriousness of life and death due to some complicated love life, but I know it was never my fault to feel something inevitable.

Of course, my family and friends are still there for me.

I need courage and a chance.

I drive away the evil thoughts of death lingering inside me, telling me to give up, because I finally made up my mind.

Then everything went black.

I fluttered my eyelids and felt a very distinct pain in my head.

Good!

That means I’m still alive!

Right when I was just about to make one of the greatest decisions in my life, I out.

Good timing, I thought with sarcasm.

I opened my eyes as wide as I could and jerked up with surprise.

This isn’t my room.

I scanned the surroundings and took a glance at myself.

I was lying in bed, definitely not wearing my robe but some plain, white gown and the bed had its side rails up. There’s an IV line connected to my left arm and the whole room was white.

No question, I’m definitely in a hospital.

Suddenly the door opened revealing my worried parents and a man; a doctor I suppose.

“Yoong! You’re alive!” My mom ran and hugged me.

The doctor looked surprised and I did the enlightenment.

“Don’t worry doc, she’s just dramatic like that.” The doctor and my dad smiled while my mom pinched me, but not as hard as she usually does.

“Well as I was saying, nothing is wrong with her, she’s just a bit exhausted but nothing else to worry about.” The doctor said as he was checking my chart out.

“I was just tired.” I said nonchalantly.

“But you were on the floor!” My mom exclaimed.

I gave her my usual straight face.

“Mom, I fell asleep on the floor.” I calmly said.

My mom looked baffled and was ready to lecture me but the doctor excused himself leaving us alone. My dad came and hugged me.

“You shouldn’t worry your mom like that Yoong. She almost fainted and was hysterical. I almost thought you died when she came running down the stairs, crying hard and having hard time breathing. I thought I should hospitalize you both.” He ruffled my hair and laughed. I joined him.

My mom sent daggers with her eyes to both of us but we ignored her.

“Mom, you’ll look older than you age if you continue doing things like that.” I teased and dad and I laughed again leaving my mom to just shake her head and give a smile.

I was informed that I was asleep for a whole day and it was already two days since the tea party.

I was discharged that afternoon and Robert was crying when he came to give me food and to drive us home.

I smiled as I sat inside the car looking out the window.

How could I ever think of leaving them?

I scolded myself for worrying them too much.

We arrived home and they allowed me to go to my room and told me to wait for dinner to be served; they reckoned that I needed rest.

 Before I went to my bed, I changed my clothes and combed my hair.

I noticed my phone on the table.

I picked it up and lay down in bed.

I opened my phone and got some messages, from the Kims and other friends.

One message caught my attention and my heart started beating hard when I clicked to open it.

I bolted up from my position stared at my phone.

From: Honey

Yoona, we need to talk.

This is my chance.

Now, all I need is courage.