As much as I wanted to sleep and rest, my body just couldn’t stop worrying, thus keeping me awake and alert throughout the night. Clad in my sleeping attire, I tossed and turned in bed, staring blankly at the darkness, a little bit afraid but a big part in me wishes the night to never end and for morning to never come. Thousands of thoughts whirled in my head, somewhat confusing but all the same giving me the time to think about all the possible things that might happen.

As I let my mind drift, I found myself pondering upon those memories of me and my father playing chess. He is good in that game and some time before, it did frustrate me when I always end up losing to him. He comforted me one time and told me that chess is like a real battle. You have to decide and think things thoroughly, just like in real life. Yes, we often do sacrifices, but always measure if it is really necessary and see the value of each piece. He taught me that everyone is important, and to always think of everyone for my every action.

Somehow, I never applied all of those thoughts in my real life, I have been reckless at some point in my life and I know I did a lot of sacrifices, especially for my love life. Now, I’m facing the consequences and I’m trying to figure out a way, not to win, but to merely settle both sides of the party.

The light seeping through my windows and balcony signals the arrival of the new day, the sun is rising, and I haven’t slept a wink. It terrifies me.

This is it.

I tried to calm myself by shutting my eyes and pray for sleep to take over, I still have time right?

Oh my God!

It’s already 8:30!

I jolted up and ran towards my bathroom and did my best to take a bath as fast as I could. As I finished bathing, I decided to put on a simple shirt and jeans and hastily combed my hair, taking a little time in checking myself in the mirror. I would really like it if Yuri likes my outfit but the thought of keeping Yuri waiting for me, scares me enough that I just grabbed my sneakers and flew downstairs.

The three of them just stared as I hurriedly picked up a toast, grabbed a banana, drank a glass of milk, got myself a bottle of water and kissed them goodbye saying I’ll be back and I was meeting someone. I was fishing my keys in the fish bowl when I took a glance on my watch, 8:50.

I really wanted to cry and hit myself for sleeping back when it was already sunrise earlier. I drove swiftly and prayed silently that Yuri is not there yet. My stomach is still grumbling, waiting to get a decent meal but I decided to ignore it, more important matters are at hand.

I parked my car and spotted it’s ‘twin’ already resting there. So she’s here already. I panicked and rushed inside, running towards the place we stayed when we visited before.

I arrived panting and sweat was literally pouring, leaving my face all wet. I stood there dumbstruck as I finally saw Yuri sitting idly on the grass. I started to walk slowly, hoping not to ruin the tranquil sight. I glanced at my watch and grinned as I arrived on time.

Yuri had her eyes closed and I don’t know what else to do than stare at her beautiful face. Her eyes were a bit puffy and I can’t help but frown and feel a tinge of pain thinking of me as a probable reason of her tears. I checked my back pocket and smiled as my hand ran through the diary I safely tucked earlier. I sat by her side, waiting for her to open her eyes and release us both from this awkward moment enveloping us.

“You came.” Her soft, quiet voice broke the stillness of the atmosphere. My heart quickened it’s pace and my breathing became uneven. I cleared my throat.

“Yes.” What more else to say?

We just sat there again, her eyes still closed and me, still staring at her with a pained expression. Have I hurt you that much Yuri that you couldn’t even bear to look at me? I sighed.

The sound of my stomach grumbling snapped me out of my thoughts and as I glanced at Yuri, she was now staring blankly ahead, finally her eyes opened.

“I’m sorry.” I said, if only I could tell her how much that line means to me. It does not only pertain to my stomach noise but also to all the heartache that I have caused her.

She stood up and walked away slowly, I stood up in shock and followed her, my head bowed in shame. Did she get my point?

We were now standing in the parking lot, she was heading towards her car, and I was just staring at her, unsure of what to do next.

When she arrived at the side of her car, she turned towards me.

“Let’s go get you some breakfast.” She said timidly then went inside her car.

My brain stopped for a moment, unable to process what was currently happening and finally I snapped back when I heard a car honk and she was driving slowly away.

I ran and went inside my car, trailing behind Yuri.

I couldn’t help but smile and cry at the same time. It was a genuine smile, but my tears kept on falling one on one, betraying the happiness I felt. Honestly, I feel sad and ashamed at the same time. Yuri’s heart is golden, and I was a bastard for breaking it.

That small gesture gave me hope, giving me a reason to be strong and fight for her.

There’s no better feeling than knowing that she still cares.

I wiped my dripping tears, hoping for it to stop before we arrived at the place.

When I finally calmed down and my face dry of any tears, Yuri stopped in front of a familiar looking restaurant. I parked my car and followed her inside. Of course, how can I forget, it was Sunny’s restaurant.

We sat at a corner table away from the most customers who were there for their coffee and breakfast. A waitress came and asked for our order. She gestured me to order first and when I finished, she gave hers. There was this awkward silence again and I just look outside the glass windows, nervous of doing anything that can upset Yuri further.

Our orders came and I ate silently. I noticed in the middle of my eating that Yuri was not touching her food and was looking at me intently. I stopped chewing and swallowed the remaining food in my mouth and stared back at her. After a few seconds, I couldn’t bear the intensity of her gaze and I just focused my eyes on the food at my plate.

“Yuri, please eat your food, it’s getting cold.” I finally let out a squeak.

I noticed her pick up her fork and started eating slowly. I let out my breath that I was unconsciously holding in and started eating again. When we finished eating, Yuri called the waitress and we paid our bill.

She stood up again and I followed. She started driving and I drove right behind her. I wonder if she was just trying to get away from me and if she also found our day awkward. As I drove, I glanced at my watch and it was already 11:00 AM.

Two hours had passed and we barely talked nor looked at each other in the eye. I became frustrated but I know I’m in no position being like that. I just sighed as I followed her all around town. I found ourselves back in the park, on the same spot we left earlier.

I decided to man up and talk to her. We are not getting anywhere with this and I don’t think my heart can handle all the pent up emotions I have within. I have a lot of questions and I bet she has them too and the only way to get this done is to start.

“Yuri, how did you know I was Honey?” I said quietly and cautiously.

I heard her let out a sigh and a soft chuckle. She turned her head towards me and gave me a bitter smile, leaving me to wonder if she’ll ever smile sweetly at me again.

“I was dumbfounded when I asked Soo for your number and found out you were Honey. I wanted to check up on you when you suddenly ran away crying. I was hysterical, and I finally realized that what you really meant when you said ‘I’m sorry’.” She sighed again and she wiped away a lone tear with the back of her hand.

“I’m sorry.” That was all I could say. I was tearing up too and my tears were clouding up my field of vision.

“I know.” She laughed a bit while she continued crying.

“I only wanted to know if you really loved me.” She continued as she looked at me with her tear-stained face. How I wanted to reach out and wipe those tears away.

It was so painful. I don’t know whether the pain was because of how much I’ve hurt her or the fact that she doubted my love for her.

“I did, and I still do. Everything was real Yuri. I loved you.” I said with as much sincerity in my voice.

“You’re a girl, and so am I.” She whispered.

These are one of the moments I wished I was normal, or should I say heteroual. Love itself is already complicated, how much more when you love the forbidden one? I don’t understand why people seem overly affected with this, when all you ever did was love. What is the difference really between a homoual and a heteroual love?

I sighed as I didn’t know what to say to her, because honestly, I wasn’t prepared for that.

“I know, but it was real Yuri.” I managed to speak after much silence, tears still rolling down my face, and I was not making any effort in wiping them away. She was sobbing softly, trying not to be too loud while she was crying.

I gave her time to calm down.

“I loved you too, it was real, and that’s why it hurts too much.” She said as she took a sharp inhale of air and slowly let it out.

“I loved you so much even if I didn’t have the chance to really know you. I even deluded myself that you were a man. I stayed away from relationships thinking that one day we will meet and make it official. We were already official for me, and entertaining suitors made me feel like I cheated on you, on Honey.” She chuckled bitterly as I listened to her intently.

“I loved you so much Hon.” She smiled a bit before continuing. “Gosh, you don’t know how much I really wanted to call you that in person. But now that you’re here, I don’t know anymore. I feel like I still love you but I can’t.” More tears welled in her eyes.

I smiled and closed my eyes, letting the tears fall down my cheeks. Just how painful can this get?

I still love you but I can’t.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I wish I was a guy, and then maybe she can.