Here I am, shaking hard as I read the text again, and again, and again until my hand was weak enough to hold my phone and plop to my bed.

It’s not helping that my heart seems to pump a lot faster, my breath becoming irregular and my sweat just poured itself on me. This is simply nervousness and dread at its best.

I stared at the ceiling holding my chest, feeling the drum of my own heartbeat.

Checkmate.

If I was playing a game, this is definitely game over.

What hurts is that, I never played with anything especially with people’s feelings but here I am, guilty like a criminal caught right at the scene of the crime.

Thoughts are racing in my head but all that I can comprehend is the question: How?

How did she know?

Did the crying while running away gave me away?

Did someone know about my actions and told her?

I want to know, but I hesitated knowing the only way to know is to ask her, and that means, I need to meet her.

I always wanted to be with Yuri, but right now, her invitation seems to be one thing I will never want to accept.

Yep, cowardly Yoona right there.

I sighed.

I was never this nervous before, well, I do recall one time when I did something and mom practically dragged me back and told me to apologize. It was traumatic to say the least, hey! I didn’t mean to eat their apples. I swear it was just some until I visited the next day and found out that I almost wiped out a tree’s harvest and well, that was a lot. My dad was so amazed he paid the owner of the tree and bought it for me. I used to go there but I stopped when I started High School.

I frowned, how can I think of an answer when my brain takes me somewhere else every time?

This was always been a problem of mine.

I’m so afraid of getting hurt that most of the time I end up running away. Too scared to risk a heartache, too naïve to be brave. I gave in and look what it got me. I’m in a beautiful mess of feelings, tangled together and it’s up to me to clear things up.

I rolled in bed and let myself be drowned in my own thoughts.

Suddenly mom was inside my room, urging me to eat dinner with them.

Seeing how much I’ve worried her, I went down and tried my best to look and act normal.

“Yoong, you better eat a lot because I swear you look like you lost some weight.” Mom told me as we sat across each other with dad on the head of the table. Robert sat beside me, filling up my plate with almost everything he could get his hands on.

“Yes dear, you look like a zombie.” Then daddy did a zombie pose, with the distorted face and outreached arms and all, which we all started laughing at him.

“Well, we cooked almost all of her favourites, no reason not to eat them all.” Robert cheered as he placed another dish in my plate.

“Okay, okay, I swear you guys are planning to make me fat.” I said as I pouted.

“Miraculously, you don’t gain much weight, so stop talking and start eating.” My mom said as she glanced at all of us who seems to like the conversation we were having.

I shrugged and started eating.

All I can say was wow.

I never thought hospital food can be that bad or maybe eating in the hospital in general is not good for our appetite and maybe even alters our taste buds!

I ate with much gusto since I finally realized how hungry I was.

I was through with my second serving of everything Robert placed on my plate and he started filling up my plate again. I was still hungry and decided that I need a full stomach to think straight and find the answer to my problems.

When Robert served dessert I stared at the slice of cake that was placed in front of me. My face was blank and covered just how much thoughts were running around my head. It only stopped when I finally realized what my mind was trying to insinuate: YURI.

This was the same cake that Robert baked when Yuri was dining with us.

Just how am I going to escape from you, when even my favourite cake reminds me of you?

I sighed and I looked up as I realized that all of them were now staring at me with worried eyes.

I smiled at them and took a big part of my cake and gobbled it all up, earning some chuckles and sigh of relief.

I wish I was just happy, just plain happy.

But how could I be happy now? When my happiness is synonymous to you?

After dinner we decided to watch a movie; the good old family bonding activity.

Mom picked a romantic classic which dad and I immediately dismissed.

I know dad never liked cheesy plots that used to be my reason too.

But now, I never want to watch those things because it hurts me all over again seeing just how tragic their love story can be yet they get themselves a happy ending. Sometimes, I even think their love stories are worse than mine, you know the typical sick with cancer lover that almost dies, or one is too rich and the other is too poor you couldn’t even believe someone can be that smothered with poverty. Yet, they prove to all people that they can be together, that they can be happy.

Movies.

I sighed.

That’s the world where it makes you feel that everything will be happy, giving you false hopes and reassurances when in the real world, not everything will have a happy ending, and when someone has cancer, most of them die and lose their hair to chemotherapy, and someone whose super rich will never stumble upon our little Cinderella just because why would our prince go to such place in the first place?

I frowned.

I’m being bitter.

My heartache is clouding the fact that people will fight against anything, even cancer or social status, just for love. I shouldn’t be like this. It doesn’t mean that I can’t do it then others can’t.

If I’m a coward, it doesn’t mean that everyone else is.

The sound of the movie starting broke my train of thoughts.

They finally decided what movie to watch and I shook my head lightly and smiled.

They picked The Amazing Spiderman.

I have no idea how they came to that choice, but seeing Emma Stone there, kept my thoughts away from a certain person for a while and became a good distractor for my brain.

I pouted when I realized the love story unfolding right before my big doe eyes.

We should’ve watched a horror or zombie movie, I’m sure there’ll be nothing there to remind me of my failed love life.

Once again, the movie made me feel inadequate and cowardly, heck, Spidey defeated the lizard guy and won over the dad, though he made him promise to leave Gwen.

Happy endings are not so happy when you yourself can’t see yourself in it.

My parents were still discussing over the movie saying that it was great and all; they looked like a high school couple on a movie date. I glanced at Robert sleeping on the other couch, well, not everyone liked the movie, and maybe he was too exhausted.

I bid them goodnight and gave them the usual hug and kiss as I staggered towards my bedroom.

I jumped on my bed and stared at the ceiling, the only sound I heard was from the gentle tapping of the rain.

One thing I learned in the movie was how the lizard guy changed and helped Spidey at the end.

Remorse and forgiveness.

That was his way of saying he was sorry.

If I was sorry, will I be forgiven too?

I broke her heart three times, I lied to her, and I posed as a male, though not really intentional.

I wish I was just a lizard guy wishing to enhance humanity.

He wanted well but he turned out to be evil.

I only wanted both of us to be happy.

But how come all I ever did was to shower us with pain?

I remembered how much she cried because of me.

Every tear, every sob and every gasp for air twisted my senses.

I did that, and I don’t know how to face her anymore.

I stood up and sat in my chair facing my desk.

I the light as I rummaged my drawers.

I finally found it, my diary!

I smiled a little as I traced my name on it.

The silliness of my youth brought a feeling of warmth and belongingness to me.

Simplicity.

When you’re hungry, eat.

When you’re thirsty, drink.

When you’re sleepy , sleep.

When you need something, ask for it, work for it.

When you miss someone, talk to them.

When you did something wrong, apologize, say sorry.

Yes. I’ve grown a lot that sometimes, I’ve ignored that simplicity is a way of life that I can always choose.

I’ve chosen complicated things in life when all I needed was to be simple.

I flipped through the pages of the small diary and admired my little drawings and adventures.

I was brave before, but I was still confused.

Now that I’m nowhere near confusion, I’ve lost courage.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, just what problem am I in?

Toothy, you just won’t let me win that easily, huh?

I smirked as I glanced at the doodles in the diary.

I promised you I’ll be brave, right?

Then, promise me you’ll be there for me too.

I picked up my phone and typed my reply.

I pressed send and finally let my breath out slowly.

To: Honey

Yes Yuri. How about tomorrow?

I waited with her reply.

From: Honey

Meet me at the park at 9 in the morning.

I trembled as I typed my reply and sent it.

To: Honey

Okay.

For a while, I hesitated if I should say goodnight or something, but then I realized I’m in no position to say that. I sighed and walked towards my bed with the diary in tow.

Toothy, you’re coming with me. Tomorrow, we’re both coming clean.

It’s now or never.

Yoona fighting!

And I couldn’t help but pray hard for tomorrow, wishing that everything will finally be at its place, may it be in favour of me, or totally break me to pieces.

It’s all for you Yuri.

I’ll gladly step on my own broken heart for you.

I’ll do everything for you.