Seohyun

I slowly woke up from my deep sleep and realized that I wasn't waking up on my usual bed. I crooked my neck to see that Myungsoo was in a deep sleep and my body was intertwined with his. My head was supposedly on his chest when I was still sleeping and his arms were around my waist with my legs practically wrapped around his.

I sat up on the couch and stared at Myungsoo sleeping with his hair disheveled and his mouth slightly array. I smiled and laughed a little as he frowned, feeling for something to hug in his sleep now that I was out of his embrace.

"Come back here," he murmured groggily, eyes still shut. Myungsoo pulled the edge of my shirt gently and grabbed my arm, pulling my body closer to his to pull me into a hug. I just let him do so, but didn't respond much, just laying there as I let him hold me.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked as I reached up to pat down his bed hair. He buried his head into my shoulder as I nodded.

"Did you?" I asked.

Myungsoo nodded in response, "You know. I didn't realize how much I missed waking up and seeing your beautiful face every morning." I felt my cheeks blushing up as I uttered a quick and quiet, "Psh."

He smiled at me and brushed my cheek with his fingertips as he pulled me closer to him. I layed there stiff as a stick as he wrapped his arms around me as he whispered, "What do you want for breakfast?"

I glanced at the clock that read 11:53, "You mean lunch?"

"Yeah. Lunch. Whatever," Myungsoo kissed me on the forehead and cradled my arms as he rocked me gently on the sofa.

"I dunno," I replied dumbly as he continued to cuddle with me and move closer.

"I want you," Myungsoo grinned.

"Myungsoo," I slightly grimaced but ignored his words, "Do you want noodles?"

Myungsoo gave me the look but gave in with a sigh, "Noodles works too, I guess."

I nodded and wiggled out of his embrace, heading towards the bathroom to take a shower and do my usual morning routine. Myungsoo got up and poured himself some water from my refrigerator. When I passed by him to grab a towel from the cupboard, Myungsoo gave a sly smile before he reached out and slapped my . My eyes widened before I whipped around, shooting him death glares.

He just shrugged and smiled, "You have a cute ."

"Myungsoo," I huffed. Myungsoo just kept on smiling and winked, walking out to the balcony to do God- knows- what. I turned around as I touched my burning up cheeks, walking into the bathroom briskly and quickly shutting the bathroom door behind me. I heard Myungsoo cackling as I the water to drown his voice out. When I stepped into the shower, the warm water poured over me as I sighed in contentment at the feeling of the warmness breaking down the knots in my muscles.

"Kim Myungsoo, Kim Myungsoo," I whispered, "What am I going to do with you?" I was worried that I was falling in love with him because I knew I was. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as controlling. I wish I could just fall in love blindly and not care about the circumstances. But I was far from that. I had to worry and overthink every single thing. I didn't want to run into his arms and be dependent on him to have him leave me. But I wanted to keep him with me. 

But I felt so bad for Myungsoo. Even just last night, I was drunk off of his mere presence. Because frankly, when I was with him I didn't think about the hard times we had before with all the cheating and yelling and fighting. I just thought about being happy. And Myungsoo made me happy. And just like that, I was laughing and smiling and being touchy with him and today, I got a reality check and everything just fell back into place. As soon as I got home, I worried about our relationship when I was fine with im five seconds ago.

As expected, highs- no matter what the type, don't last long.

After actually washing myself in the shower and changing into fresh clothes, I walked out of the bathroom drying my long hair. Myungsoo smiled at me, getting up from the couch and slinging a towel around his neck, "I'm taking a shower."

"Kay," I said over my shoulder as I plopped down on the living room floor to blow dry my hair. I couldn't help but smile at the thought that I didn't care if Myungsoo saw me without my make-up and how I didn't care if he used my shower. Even if I denied our whole living together a few days ago, I was starting to question my decision. It made me happy to hear someone else alive and about in my house in the morning.

"Do you have a shirt I can borrow?" Myungsoo asked me after emerging out of the steamy shower shirtless. He waited for an answer, tousling his wet hair.

"Uh, yeah," I said, looking away. I saw Myungsoo smirk as he followed me into my room. "Here," I said, tossing him one of my big shirts.

"Will it fit?" he asked.

I nodded, "Just put it on."

"Why? Are you ashamed of my body?" Myungsoo laughed.

"Just put it on," I repeated, trying to look away. But Myungsoo just shook his head and walked towards me, wrapping his arms around my waist and planting a kiss on my forehead.

"You're so touchy today," I muttered.

"I just like being touchy with you," Myungsoo whispered, " 'Cause I love you.."

I slightly stiffened. Words like "love" and his physical signs of affection reminded me about the burden on our relationship. I didn't want Myungsoo to keep telling me that he loved me if he really didn't. I didn't want to believe in lies and be disappointed later on. And just as that, I didn't just want to be his body to hold when he was upset or just merely a physical resort to comfort. I didn't want to be used.

"With people they love," I whispered.

Myungsoo tore apart from kissing my neck, "Why? Is there something wrong?" He took his soft hand and caressed my cheek as I felt all my emotions melting. He stared into my eyes with those fiery orbs of his and gave me a heart-melting smile.

But I just stared up at him, searching his eyes and letting out a sigh.

"Do you love me too?" Myungsoo asked. Good question. Did I love Myungsoo? Hopefully not any more than he loved me. I didn't really know the answer. I definitely knew that the past was holding me back from loving him as much as I did before but it wasn't like I didn't have any feelings for him.

Love was just an overused word. People say that they love their family, their friends, their cats and dogs, TV shows, music ; the word "love" lost its meaning. I didn't even understand what love meant anymore or how it felt like. Was it obsession? A strong inclination towards someone? When did a crush turn into love?

Myungsoo kept searching my eyes waiting for an answer and I looked down. "W-well," I stuttered.

"Are you scared of me?" he asked, lowering his voice. Another good question. I was more scared of what Myungsoo was capable of. I was scared of myself. I was scared of our relationship and I was scared of our past and future. I was scared of myself loving Myungsoo too much and I was scared of being heartbroken and abandoned. I was scared of being too clingy yet I wasn't scared of hurting him.

But was I scared of Myungsoo?

"No," I replied. He removed his hand from my hand and trailed it down to my waist as he pulled me closer to him to embrace me in a hug.

"I'm sorry," he murmured into my shoulder. I just stood there as stick straight and emotionless as a tree trunk as he rocked me back and forth. I wanted to cry. I don't know why. I was an emotional wreck. How was I supposed to be capable of loving someone else when I didn't even know my own feelings?

"For what?" I asked, still in his embrace.

"I dunno. For just... everything I guess. I don't think I can say 'sorry' enough," Myungsoo replied quietly.

I nodded, "It's okay." I didn't know why I was doing this to Myungsoo. He probably thought that I was some bipolar maniac. Just yesterday we were laughing and having fun and today, my melancholy and serious side had to take over and ruin everything. I wanted our relationship to develop but I didn't at the same time.

Not only that, but even if I did love Myungsoo, I'd be loving him with an ugly, tainted heart. One that's been stepped on and has ugly bruises and scars that will never go away. I wish I could just love him with a pure, whole heart without any second guessing.

But it didn't look like that was going to happen anytime soon.

Myungsoo

"I don't get it," I sighed covering my frustated face with my hands.

Sunggyu glanced at me and shook his head, "What do you mean 'I don't get it'? I seem to understand it just fine."

I removed my hands from my face and looked over at him, "Please share your knowledge with me please." After eating lunch with Seohyun after we woke up, I dropped her off at work and I went straight to Sunggyu's. Seohyun was driving me insane. As much as I loved her, it hurt that she didn't love me back. With each second of silence after I asked her if she loved me or not, my heart just plummeted deeper into the pits of my stomach.

Just to save myself, I changed the question. Maybe I was trying to melt Seohyun down with skinship. Maybe with my soft words. Maybe I just tried to put a smile on that beautiful face of hers. But I wanted her to love me as much as I loved her.

"Well you two obviously had some... trouble in the past," Sunggyu started, "Do you think Seohyun's just going to trust you easily and fall into your arms again? With any other girl you don't know but with her stubbornness and personality, she's not going to do that. Seohyun's just too smart of a girl to put herself into a position where she could potentially get hurt again."

"I'm not going to hurt her," I said quietly.

"Regardless of if your planning on hurting her or not, she's still not going to trust you and love you with a full heart until she's ready."

"It's already been like three months since she accepted me."

"Did she really accept you?" Sunggyu questioned, "Or did you just assume that she accepted you just to make yourself feel better?" There was a silence as I pondered his question. Techincally, she didn't say with her own lips that she wanted me back. But she seemed to be fine with it.

"Why are you even trying, Myungsoo?"

"Because I love her."

"So what?"

'It just hurts knowing that she won't love me back. I feel like if I keep waiting, Seohyun will never come to me. I thought that I'd melt her down in a week or two but no matter what I do, she tenses up and pulls away and I can't seem to get her to even just enjoy her time when she's with me. I spend so much of my effort trying to put a smile on my face and keep persisting even if she rejects me but I don't think I can take it any longer."

Sunggyu let out a small chuckle, "Don't be such a girl about it. Why are you telling me about this? Can't you just tell Seohyun about everything? Communiation is key in a relationship."

- - -

I knocked on Seohyun's door and then just walked in, carrying Chinese take out in one hand and cans of beer in another. I saw Seohyun sprawled across the couch, staring at the television intently when her gaze shifted and fixated to me.

"Hey," I smiled, "Did you eat yet?" I held up the bags of food.

Seohyun laughed, "I did, but I'll eat again." Oh how I love her. I brought the food to the black coffee table in front of the couch and opened up everything,breaking apart the wooden chopsticks and handing her a pair.

"Yum," she said as she dug into chow mein. I smiled and ate with her as we watched a documentary on awarness about children and their attachment to video games instead of playing outside.

"This is our society," Seohyun said as she shook her head, stuffing fried rice into , "They're supposed to be riding their bikes and skinning their knees outside, not be locked up inside all day staring at a screen."

I watched amusedly as Seohyun wagged her finger at the parents and went on about how if she had children, she would force them to go outdoors. I guess Seohyun found it weird that I was just staring at her because she stopped talking and said, "What?"

"I dunno, I just find it cute that my girlfriend sits at home at," I glanced at the clock, "ten at night watching documentaries about children and video games."

"It's how I relax," she shrugged. Seohyun noticed the beer cans and raised an eyebrow, "Why?"

"It's how I relax?" I joked.

"You're going to drink all of that alone?" Seohyun asked. 

"I thought that maybe you would try some but now that I'm refreshed on your strong stand against alcohol..." I let my words linger as Seohyun laughed.

"No but really Myungsoo, too much alcohol is never good for you," she scolded, her smile turning into a frown. For some reason, I had missed her nagging. Soon, all of the Chinese food was swept into our stomachs and after the documentary was over, I offered to clean up and wash some of the dishes. Seohyun nodded and stayed in the living room after my insisting.

When I came back, I was finally ready to talk to her about everything after Sunggyu's advice. .I walked into the living room and expected Seohyun to be on the couch but instead saw her outside, peering up at the sky and leaning against the cool railing. I snuck up behind her and got ready to wrap my arms around her but hesitated. I didn't want to scare her. Or maybe I just didn't want her to keep pulling away from me. So I just shifted next to her and looked up into the sky, wondering what was so interesting to look at.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked. I stared at her beautiful face as it displayed a far away, pensive look.

"Thinking," she replied.

I nodded and left her to her silence. After about five minutes of standing there in the quiet, Seohyun talked, "Wanna go in?" She turned around and started to go inside when I grabbed her wrist and stopped her.

"Wait, Seo," I called.

"What?" she turned around, giving me a questioning look as I brought her back to her original position right next to me.

"Can we talk?" I asked.

Seohyun nodded, "Sure. About what?"

"Us."

I saw Seohyun's facial expression slightly harden but nonetheless, she nodded again, "What about us?"

"You know that I love you, right?" I asked. This time, I turned away so I didn't have to go through seeing Seohyun freeze up and choke on her words.

"Yes," she replied.

Silence.

"You know... You're such a bad person," I whispered. Seohyun blinked a couple of times before she slowly turned her face to look up at me with her huge solemn eyes.

"You don't even know how crazy you make me feel. No- you probably do. And you choose to ignore it and you choose to ignore me, baby," I said gazing off into the Seoul city lights. I felt my breath hitch in my throat but I continued, "You don't understand that I really mean it when I say that I love you. I want you to be happy and it tears me apart that at every attempt, you push me away. Can't you just... accept me?"

"Myungsoo. It's harder than it seems," Seohyun said with a stiff voice, "Love isn't just... loving, Myungsoo. It has to work out."

"What's not working about between us?" I said, trying to control my rising temper.

"It's me," Seohyun replied with a sad smile. I softened when I heard her say that. I shook my head and put my hand on the small of Seohyun's back.

"It's definitely not you. If it's anyone, I'm the one who started it those oh-so many years ago," I chuckled. But Seohyun just had a grim expression on her face.

"I'm sorry, Myungsoo, I just don't know if I can do this. Staying with me will probably just drive you crazy. I'm so messed up I don't even know why you want me back... I can't love you the same way I did before," Seohyun said all in one breath as if everything she had been keeping bottled up had finally exploded. In the darkness, she bowed her head as a tear dropped from her eyes.

"I can barely take care of myself and understand my own feelings. How am I supposed to take care of you?" she whispered. I sighed and grabbed her shoulders, turning her to face me.

"Don't cry, baby," I told her as I wiped her tears away with my thumb. Seohyun refused to look at me. "Who said that you were supposed to take care of me? I'm the guy in the relationship and if you need help or if you just don't want to be alone, I'm always here ready to run to you. And you know that, Seo," I murmured, "I'm sorry for pushing myself on you. But I'm determined and I know for sure that we can make this work out if you just trust me. I'll love you with all my heart, I swear. I won't let anything touch you and I won't turn away from you. Ever. Alright?"

Seohyun burst into tears at the end of my dialogue as she furiously wiped them away with her nimble hands. I pulled her into a hug as I felt Seohyun up my flannel and soaking it with her tears.

"I'll help you and you'll help me, right?" I asked as I ran my fingers through her soft, wavy hair, "We can make our love work. Just trust me and I'll take care of everything."

That night, I watched Seohyun as she fell asleep on her bed. I smiled to myself, tracing her delicate features with my pinky, scared that I'd break her. Breaking her is the last thing I'd want to do. I felt like the suction cup on my heart had been taken off and replaced with something more soft and bearable.

I realized that I couldn't just expect Seo to just fall in love with me that quickly, knowing what type of girl she was anyway. But she was willing to take our relationship seriously and so was I. Through whatever the world had to hinder us with, I was ready to go running at it with Seohyun hand in hand.

A/N: ohmygoshee that just took forever to write. i feel like this has been going absolutely NOWHERE for the last 5 chapters or so. i know what i want but after i finish writing a chapter, i'm like "what did i just write". i hope it wasn't so all over the place and confusing that you just couldn't read it.. if you want clarification, feel free to comment or message me or whatever!