Myungsoo

These days I haven't been sleeping.

I've just been staying up all night, playing back the video in my head of myself leaving. Of myself cheating. Of Seohyun and I crying and arguing. Of us falling, tearing apart.

Then I'd think about the first time I realized that I loved her and the beautiful moments that we had together.

That I love her.

I stared at my phone teasing me, sitting innocently on the coffee table as I eyed it viciously, debating whether or not to call her. In fact, I had been debating all day. But I couldn't just sit around with the thought of her on my mind constantly.

Everything about Seohyun had been lingering in my brain, whether I wanted it to or not. I've held it in for a week, tried to ignore it but by now I was aching to see her face. I couldn't really deny it anymore. I love her.

But what can a foolish heartbreaker like me do about that? She has a boyfriend and I don't want to seem like I love her just because Jinah passed.

In fact, this whole situation made me think of Jinah.

I guess I never loved really her... I feel kind of idiotic. For any human being could plainly be concious of their own feelings. But I was insensitive to them. I was trying to run away from my own emotions and convince myself that it was Jinah instead of Seohyun.

Well you heartless bastard, it worked.

But again, being the clueless man I am, maybe it's not even Seohyun that's the girl for me.

Who knows?

It doesn't matter, though. Because right now, I'm sure it's Seohyun. Undeniably.

I just wish I realized what I had when she was mine.

After drawing out my hand and drawing it back in a couple of times, I just decided on picking up the device and calling her. What I was going to say? I figured out that I didn't formulate any of that as soon as the beeping started.

I half hoped she'd pick up and half hoped she didn't.

I scowled to myself. All this worrying over one phone call. At last, the beeping stopped and I held my breath, waiting for Seohyun's voice or her voicemail. 

"Hello?" She said on the other line.

"Hey," I replied, exhaling. I searched my scattered brain for a reasonable way to say "I want to go on a date with you despite the fact you have a boyfriend".

"Is this...?"

"Myungsoo," I answered for her.

"Oh," she replied, "What's up?"

Here it goes. "I was wondering if you wanted to go get some lunch or something."

There was a silence. "Right now?" she asked. I glanced over at the clock to see that it was already 12:30.

"Yeah, sure," I stuttered.

"Alright," she said after some contemplation, "Where do you want to go?"

How about the restaraunt we always used to go to when we were in love? "Uh... The restaurant in front of your building?"

"Okay, I'll meet you there in about half an hour, then," she said before she hung up the phone. I made sure she hung up first before I quickly snapped my phone shut, rushing to my closet and choosing out clothes to wear. I felt like a little teenage girl, getting all ready for her first date. I didn't understand why I was so nervous about seeing Seohyun. It wasn't like it was a date.

Well, maybe to me it was.

I didn't really have much of a choice to wear and came out of my apartment in dark jeans and a checkered shirt as usual. 

I got to the restaurant and sat down at a seat by the window. A few minutes later, Seohyun came rushing in, looking around the resaurant for me. I waved her over and she started walking towards the table. I quickly looked down at my shirt, scanning for any stains and made sure my hair didn't have a random curl sticking out before she sat down.

"Sorry, the meeting ended late," she apologized.

I chuckled, "No it's fine, I just got here."

She nodded, "Did you order?"

I shook my head. She picked up the menu and scanned it as I stared at her intently.

"Is there something on my face?" she asked.

"No," I picked up my menu and ordered when the waitress came to take our orders. When the waitress left, I smiled at Seohyun as she just looked at me.

I didn't even realize I was smiling at her until she eyed me awkwardly. Then I wiped the smile off my face. I probably looked like an idiot.

"I'm glad you made time to see me," I told her. I was. She fake- smiled in response, tearing some of the bread and eating it. She probably didn't even know how fake it looked.

"How are you?" I asked.

"I'm really good. I've been busier than ever," she responded with the same stone, blank smile, "You?"

"Me too." It was sad- our conversation. We small talked about the weather and other things that normal ex-lovers would talk about. Just by her actions and the way she was talking, I could tell that her guard was up.

And I wasn't stupid. I knew why.

So that's why I feel like a jerk for calling her out here. Because the last time we talked, I was everything but friendly to her. And way back before then to about two years ago. She was so good to me and in response, I broke her heart.

"I'm sorry Seohyun," I said suddenly, staring blankly at the spaghetti and meatballs in front of me, avoiding her eyes.

"What?" she asked, looking up from the tablecloth, chewing slowly.

"I'm sorry. For calling you out here and making it hella awkward," I muttered, "And for being rude to you when you came to the hospital. I know it's the past and I've said sorry but I was always in tears when I said it: I haven't really told you seriously that I'm sorry for cheating on you and leaving like that."

The food she swallowed seemed to have stopped in the middle of her esophagus. She set down her fork and looked back down at the tablecloth, eyebrows furrowed. I practically heard her brain working, churning and trying to find something to say to my sudden apology.

I kind of wished I never said that but I figured that I had to say that to her sooner or later.

I watched her face put on a mask, hiding it of any emotions as no words seemed to make it to . "You don't have to say anything," I added slowly. Truthfully, I didn't really want her to say anything. I was scared of her reaction.

"I should go," she said as she pretended to check her watch. I felt my heart drop as I watched her leave with that same hurt, contorted expression on her face. . I guess bringing up the past wasn't the smoothest move I could make.

I leaned back in the restaurant chair and put my hands over my head as I half-groaned half-sighed in pity and disappointment of myself.

Nice going.

Seohyun

Unexpected.

Unexpected and awkward would be the two words to describe my little outing with Myungsoo.

Awkward because we tend to be uncomfortably silent people around each other. Maybe even more awkward because my smiles were undeniably unnatural and me leaving the restaurant like that wasn't the best way to end our meeting. 

Unexpected because of his sudden burst of apology.

I didn't understand why he wanted to see me. Maybe for some "catching up" but we did more eating than talking. After every few seconds, we would be greeted by silence. I think it was obvious that I was trying to hold myself back.

The truth is that I'm scared of getting close to him again for him to break my heart.

I know it's stupid to think that he called me out because he wants to start a relationship with me again but I was still scared of the pain I knew he was capable of causing. Love isn't as easy as grabbing someone's hand and not letting it go.

There's s much more to that.

"Where were you at lunch?" Woohyun asked as he slipped his body into my office.

"I was eating out with someone," I said as I typed away on my laptop. I saw his eyebrows furrow and I rolled my eyes. Here he goes again. "Who?" he asked.

"Just one of my friends."

"Myungsoo," Woohyun stated. I stared up at him. "How'd you know?"

"That's besides the point. Why'd you eat with him?"

"Because he asked me too," I replied nonchalant. I didn't understand why it wasn't okay with Woohyun that I had friends of the opposite gender. Not that Myungsoo was even my friend. He was just a super awkward aquaintance.

"Do you like him?" Woohyun asked.

I stopped my typing and looked up at him, sighing, "Woohyun how many times have I told you that I don't like anyone but you?"

"Then why are you ignoring me nowadays?"

"Because your getting to possessive!" I raised my voice. I saw his expression totally change. He was infuriated. The truth hurts. I didn't tell Woohyun that he was possessive to hurt him but just because his control over me was so tight and it was suffocating. Maybe I was a little harsh, though.

But that's how people fix things, right?

"Possessive?" Woohyun spat.

I just stared up at him.

"I"m just worrying for you!" Woohyun shout.

"Worrying isn't getting into fights with my best friend and telling me who I can or can't hang out with! You don't control me!"

Woohyun just leaned back against my door and scoffed at me as I felt the anger inside of me boil up until I couldn't contain it anymore. If there was one thing I couldn't take was people laughing at me. People looking down at me. People scoffing at me.

"Get out," I said.

"No."

"Get out," I said a little louder, more stronger. He didn't listen to me and I took a deep breath before I walked over to him and pushed him, trying to pry open the door- but his body was covering the handle.

"Get out!"

"No!" Woohyun insisted as he took me by the shoulders, "I'm sorry." He planted a kiss on my forehead and held me close to him as I fussed, trying to get out of his grip. I knew what I was doing was helpless but I didn't stop.

I was pissed off.

"I know that what I did makes you mad," Woohyun said with his lips against my hair, "Forgive me. I'm sorry. I don't want to be possessive. It's just that I don't know what I'll do if I lose you."

I sighed as I stopped squirming and he turned me around.

"Forgive me?"

I nodded and he smiled, hugging me as he whispered his sweet nothings into my ear.