Myungsoo
- - - - - - - - -

Why did you cheat on her?

Why?

WHY?!

I tossed and turned in my bed and flipped my pillow over to the colder side for about the tenth time. I was uncomfortable under the sticky heat of the blankets but I shivered when I kicked them off of me. 

Yeah.

Suffocated.

- - -

"Why don't you marry Seohyun?" Sungyeol urged. He was laughing and joking around but I took it seriously.

"I want to but I'm not sure if she's ready yet... I love her though," I grinned at the boys as their blank faces turned into laughs and smiles.

"Oooooh," the boys chanted and slapped me on the back. It was one of the few times I went out with my best friends- Sunggyu, Sungyeol, Dongwoo. We were in a private room overlooking the dance floor in the club. The flooring beneath us was thumping against our feet due to the loud party music and the colorful club lights filtered through window into our room, lighting the place in luminescent colors.

"Let's go dance!" Dongwoo said after a few drinks.

"Are you sure?" Sunggyu asked with a raised eyebrow as he stumbled out the door dragging Sungyeol with him. Sunggyu looked at me and shrugged following the two. I grabbed another shrimp, stuffed it in my mouth and headed downstairs.

It was a typical Friday night at the Gangnam club. Music was booming and people were dancing, knit closely together. It was a sea of unfamiliar faces partying like there was no tomorrow and I gave a smirk. This was how I liked it.

I smiled as I made my way through the thick crowd dancing people when someone grabbed my hand.

"Myungsoo?"

I slipped my hand away from the person's as I turned to look who they were. The crisp yet husky voice was all too familiar. She was standing there in a classy black dress, beaming at me, her sharp eyes peering at me from underneath her dyed-brown bangs.

"Jinah..."

My brain became as white as she walked up closer to me. "Why are you here?" she asked.

"Friends," I murmured.

She nodded. We stared at each other for a while when she held up her left hand and showed off the sparkly ring on her finger. A silver one with an engraving of the word "forever".

"Why are you wearing it?" I asked with a quivering voice. 

"We're forever," she smiled pointing at the engraving, making me fall back into her viscious trap, and the thought of Seohyun nowhere to be found.

- - -

And that was the start of everything. The attachment, the times she called me, I'd have to go, even if it meant leaving Seohyun. I still loved Seohyun though. But sometimes, I got tired of her. I needed to take out my stress somewhere and Jinah was more fun. Sure she didn't take anything seriously but that was her charm.

- - -
 

"Are you going out again tonight?" Seohyun asked me. I didn't like the way she said that. I didn't like the way she added the word "again". It's been 2 years already since I met with Jinah again. At first the meetings were small talks over coffee. But they became more serious. I went to her house, we went clubbing together, we went on serious "dates".

"Uh," I stuttered. Yes, I'm going out; I was planning on it. Jinah told me to come over. But of course I wasn't going to tell her that.

"You are," she said softly.

"Do you want me to stay?" I asked her. She looked deep into my eyes and didn't tear away before she breathed, "What do you think?"

I didn't reply. But- Jinah... I wanted to see her face. She said she loved me the other day.

"It's fine. I can fall asleep alone now," Seohyun said firmly as she marched out of the elevator. I watched her figure disappear into our apartment as I followed. I felt bad. I felt bad for leaving Seohyun alone but I guess that's how love is right? I was getting tired of her and I knew that she knew it. But still I watched her as she brushed her teeth and climbed into bed with the same stolid expression slapped across her face.

I was still waiting for her to hold me back as I kissed her "sleeping" face goodnight and grabbed my jacket from the closet.

As I was heading out the door, I looked back at Seohyun's face. It looked troubled, not graceful as it usually was. I stared at her for another ten seconds before I shook my head and walked out.

I got into my car and drove to Jinah's place to have her tackle me when I opened the door. I smirked and kissed her back as her hands flew all over my body. But then I felt a pang of onerous burden in my heart. I thought of Seohyun at home sleeping and I sighed. If we carried on, I knew we'd do something.

"Stop," I breathed into the kiss. She sighed and turned away, "Can we?"

I shook my head. Ironic, but I've always wanted my first to be Seohyun. I took in Jinah's y messed up hair and smeared lipstick and forced my eyes to tear away.

"Fine," she huffed and crashed onto her couch with her arms folded. She looked pissed. I watched her as she filled air in her cheeks and I raised my eyebrows.

Our relationship wasn't healthy at all. And it was wrong. I knew it but for some reason, I wanted to hold onto Jinah. She was like my outlet of wild and crazy that I didn't have with Seohyun.

But did I love her?

In a sense, yes.

But not really. I guess she was like a rated-pg version of friends with benefits that I grew too attached to and used to love.

I stared at Jinah as she the TV blankly and sat there, eyes not moving from the animated screen.

I thought of my girl. The girl I left at home for this one. I ruffled my hair and hardened my exression in frustration. Our meetings always ended like this. Jinah wanted to take it further and I'd say no. She'd ignore me and then call me up again the next day to meet again. I'd agree and it'd be a non-ending cycle. I was attached to her in such an unhealthy way. I wasn't proud of it, but there was something about her that attracted boys- that attracted me. She wasn't mysterious, but y and crazy.

"I'm leaving," I decided.

She looked up from the screen with a perfectly arched eyebrow raised, "Why?"

"What am I supposed to do here?" I asked as I put on my shoes.

"You know..." Jinah said slowly, "I want to see where you live," she narrowed her eyes. She turned off the TV and strut towards me, putting on her shoes, "Let's go."

"You can't come and you know why," I sighed.

"So what? I think of your girlfriend as just someone else. We share you-So what does it matter? It's not like it's her house," she rolled her eyes, grabbed the car keys out of my hand, trot down the stairs and got into my car, "HURRY!"

So I got into the car. I wasn't going to let her drive off without me. She had the keys anyway.

"I really don't understand why you want to come," I muttered, tightening my grip on the wheel.

"Yeah, and I don't understand a lot of the things you do-"

I ignored the rest of her lecture. She was just too annoying sometimes. 

Jinah puffed air into her cheeks and sunk deeper into the black leather seats of my car. She looked outside intently as I took my car around the outside of the apartments. She gave me a confused look as the car came back to where we started.

"You got a good look at where I live, right?"

She gave me a bewildered expression, "I'm following you in whether you like it or not."

"Why do you want to?" I exclaimed.

"Why not?! I'm curious as a girlfriend! Your not going to stop me! And no girl's going to stop me!"

I glared at her and zoomed into the parking lot and got out of the car, slamming the door. She followed me up the lift to the entrance of my house. I swear.. if Seohyun sees her...

I tapped in the pin code and opened the door slightly so only I could get in. I threw her a dirty look before I shut the door on her but she stuck her foot into the crack last minute and rolled her eyes, "I'm not leaving until you kiss me."

The anger inside me boiled up and I could feel my face fuming up.

"Come on!" She exclaimed.

"So you came all the way here to ask me to kiss you?"

"Mhm," she replied, waiting for me to grab her. I sighed, rolled my eyes and grabbed her shoulders in for a kiss on the forehead. Suddenly, I heard Jinah yelp. I frowned to see her petrified face stare at something behind me. I slowly turned around to see Seohyun there in her sweats. Jinah fled, slamming the door ebhind her.

"Seohyun..." I started. But I didn't know what to say.

"Are you that stupid?" She went on about my stupidity but my mind was just blank. Everything seemed like a blur as she marched into her room with her tear-filled eyes. She came out with a bag as she headed for the door, "Why don't you just leave me and end it cleanly? Why do you need to hurt me like this...?"

I'm so sorry. Don't leave. It's a mistake. I shouldn't have. I can explain. It's my fault. Don't be mad. I love you.

All these words were aimlessly floating around in my head but not making their way to my mouth as I watched her sad figure walk out the door.

- - -

A small chuckle escaped my dry lips. It's been longer than one year yet I'm still thinking about this.

I regret everything so much but my regrets just turn into tears. You idiot, Myungsoo.