Seohyun

I felt Woohyun and I crashing to the floor with every other second we spent together. I felt that one small word, one "wrong" action would trigger the button and we'd go insane over an argument. I was so tired of it but I was attached to him. I couldn't let go even if I knew that it was only hurting me in the end.

The day after Myungsoo pulled me out of Woohyun's apartment like that, Woohyun and I got into another fight. I didn't think it was even possible to be so consistent in something as silly as fights and arguments and yelling and screaming.

And as I walked up the stairs instead of the elevator to his apartment, I felt like dying with each step I took.

I didn't want to see him. Maybe time away from each other would keep us together.

I took a good fifteen minutes on the stairs and another thirty in front of his door. It broke my heart that we became like this. Just a few weeks ago we were the perfect couple. Our future had each other in them- at least mine did. And I loved him- at least I did. And I thought he did. I thought I knew he did.

I knocked on the door and he opened it with an expression I was scared of. How did I even know that he was going to break up with me before the words reached his throat? 

He gave me a broken smile that was different from the one that would light up my world. I swallowed the lump in my throat and came in, following him to the living room as he sat on the couch, sighing as he buried his head in his hands.

Woohyun called me for a reason.

"Ba-" he corrected himself, "Seohyun." The way he abruptly stopped himself from calling me "baby" like he used to made my heart cringe and the eyes start to form in my tear ducts. I knew what was coming. I knew all too well.  I stared at Woohyun straight in the eyes as I studied his expression. His eyes were already telling me goodbye. I hated the fact- I pitied myself- due to the fact that I knew what was happening even before he knew what to say.

I set my shattered heart to leave for the weeks before this but as I sat here with just the two of us, it came crashing onto me like a full on hit from God himself.

"You know we're not... getting along nowaday," he said as he played with his fingers.

I nodded.

"But I love you," Woohyun said with a heavy voice.

"I love you too," I replied. And as of now, that was all I knew. "I couldn't do anything without you," I gave him a bittersweet smile. He seemed taken back all of a sudden. Woohyun knew that I knew that he was going to end it. Perhaps he didn't think that I'd make it so hard for him.

"You practically saved me when I was in the pit of my life," I stared at him, "I'd die for you."

Woohyun hung his head low, ", Seo. Your making this so hard."

"I'm doing it on purpose," I forced an incredibly fake chuckle out of my dry throat.

"I'm going to break up with y-"

"I know."

"I love you," he added quickly. I shook my head. Why would he even say that? "Then why do you have to do this?" I felt my heart squeeze in pain as I felt his hands in mine.

"We're not working out. Our fights and arguments are just frustrating each other," he tried to soothe me. Woohyun his thumb across the back of my hand and I felt a tear drop onto my arm as I blatantly stared at our hands intertwined together.

No break-up is easy.

I looked up at Woohyun.

He asked me why I was making this so hard. But his eyes told a different story. It hurt. Why was it so easy for him to just walk out the door? His "I love you's were meaningless and empty. What kind of idiot tells a girl he loves her as he breaks up with her?

"Sorry." Was how he ended it before I stiffly nodded, grabbed my bag almost robotically and slipped my shoes on, languidly walking out the door. 

I imagined our break up only a billion times. In fact, I waited for it. Because I knew it was coming. I wanted to ready myself. Yet, when it actually came, all my messages from my brain to my heart to stay indifferent about the breakup were never delivered. I just proved to the world that I was a stupid, stupid girl who got close to boys for no reason to get broken. 

Why was I always the one to love more? With Woohyun. With Myungsoo.

I know Woohyun tried to make his words as hurtless as he possibly could but no matter if he told me that he hated me or loved me, it would all impact me the same. Because I have to go on for the next hours, next days, next weeks, next months, living with the fact that what I thought we had was gone.

It when you get used to someone being with you all the time; and then all of a sudden, you have to learn to live without them.

The drive home was ten thousand times longer than it should have been. I stayed in my room for what seemed like years, but was actually 10 minutes, and practically drove myself to the edge of becoming a lunatic.

Usually when humans went through breakups, they trapped themselves in their rooms for hours but I felt the exact opposite. I felt as if I were to stay in my prison of a house for one more minute, I would rupture, my frustration and grief shattering to pieces.

So as I usually did when there was too much on my mind, I slipped my shoes on and walked the neighborhood with a handful of cash and nothing else.

"Is there something wrong with you, hun?" the woman running the cashier register asked, taking note of my swollen, red eyes. I had made myself over to the midget sized convinience store about five steps away from my apartment.

I just gave her a small smile. I must look pitiful. She handed me my ice cream and sent me along my way. I sat on the edge of the sidewalk curb, my ice cream. I was tired of thinking about the breakup. I didn't want to think about it. But thinking about not wanting to think about it is making me think about it anyway, right?

I laughed at my pitiful self. A grown woman in her early 20's eating ice cream alone over sadness because a boy broke her heart. I needed to learn how to be happy, single.

I let out a chuckle. Why? Because Myungsoo once told me to eat ice cream whenever I was down. The words he said to me those 7 or 8 years ago stuck with me since.  I don't know why. The random thought of Myungsoo popping in my head made me want to kill myself.

I hate males. Particularly Myungsoo and Woohyun.

A car came zooming through the darkness with its bright yellow headlights shining on my face, making me squint my eyes. I tucked in my legs closer to the curb so I wouldn't get my feet run over but miraculously, the car stopped right in front of where I was sitting with my ice cream in hand.

I didn't really care and turned my attention back to hating boys when a pair of black shoes stopped walking right in front of me. I looked up to see exactly who I was thinking about, three seconds ago. The irony killed me. But it wasn't like he came voluntarily, Woohyun probably called him to comfort me in my heartbreak.

"Hey," Myungsoo said. I looked back down. I hated the fact that he was always there when I wanted to be alone. It was annoying. I subconciously gave him a dirty look as he sat down next to me on the curb. I propped my knees up and rested my elbows on them, playing with my fingers as I eyed them furiously, keeping my gaze away from Myungsoo.

"I heard about..." Myungsoo started. I stopped playing with my fingers. "Yeah," he said. I started to fiddle with my fingers again. 

"That was fast," I mumbled. Thirty minutes and Myungsoo already knew about Woohyun and I? Seoul was way too small- socially.

He nodded, "So how are you doing?"

I paused before I answered. I could rather be truthful and in other words, vulnerable and tell him how much it hurt and how I thought Woohyun was the one and blah blah blah ; Or I could easily lie to him. I threw a fake as plastic smile on my face and looked at him straight in the eye. "Fantastic."

He chuckled, "Don't be so scared to cry in front of others, Seo." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and held me close to him. I nudged his hand off and looked down, avoiding his steady gaze on me.

Myungsoo rolled his eyes and took me by the shoulders, putting his face right in front of mine, "Look at me." I resisted until his hand gently reached for my chin, tilting it up so I was face to face with him. "God, Seo. I know you want to cry. Don't hold it in. I skipped out on a billion shoots for you. Remember? I told you that I would be here for you- I wasn't kidding. I didn't drive my all the way here to have you push me away."

I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry my eyes out. I was tired of being dumped and broken because of boys. Although it was only twice, both times, I fell off of my altar pretty hard. But wasn't it ironic that Myungsoo was the one trying to comfort me? I didn't want to show my tears in front of him, he didn't deserve to see them.

Although all that time passed, my bitterness toward him had hardened like a rock wall between us.

I raised my arm and pushed his hands off of my shoulders and dusted myself off as I got up and walked away. 

Maybe Myungsoo just wasn't the guy I wanted support from.

I heard Myungsoo sigh as he got up. I heard his footsteps coming closer as I quickened my pace. But of course, he caught up to me and took me by the wrist, whirling me around into his arms. "I don't want to see you like this."

"Why," I asked, my voice muffled my his shoulder.

"Because it makes me sad."

"Why," I asked again.

"Because you deserve better than him and you shouldn't bottle things up like you do," he murmured.

"What do you know?!" I screamed at him, pushing him off. The anger inside of me boiled up as I wiped away my frustrated tears. He blinked a couple of times, clearly surprised at my random outburst. I don't even know what I was so angry about. Maybe the fact that despite that he came rushing to me after his girlfriend died. Maybe the fact that once I decided to erase him from my heart, he appeared in my life again.

A lot changed in the time we were apart.

He wasn't my friend anymore- so why was he acting so close to me again?

"I'm trying to help," he said, hurt obviously present in his voice.

"Well your not," I snapped. I was such a jerk. But I didn't want to get myself involved with Myungsoo again. The pain and the complications of our relationship would just be too much to handle. I my heel as I briskly walked back to my apartment, leaving him alone in the darkness, standing next to his car parked next to the small convenience store about 5 steps from my apartment.

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HI. I MADE A TUMBLR. well i made one a while ago but i didn't start using it until like a week ago. 

so, follow me? ... i think that's what you do, right? 

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