It was quite a liberating feeling for me when I splashed the wine unto her face. I know it's a pretty mean gesture but I was frustrated. I was irritated. She acted as if everything was okay when it wasn't. Do you know how hard it is to deal with the fact that a person you cared for so much, who you treated as your very own big sister, would devise such a scheme and hurt everyone that was around her. It's pretty stupid if you ask me. She dug her own grave for doing such a thing. I wouldn't be surprised she'll wake up one day and be guilty for everything she did. 

Jonghyun oppa has been with Key oppa for the past week or so and I don't really know what's going on. I am not one that would bother asking. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Jonghyun oppa is the close oppa I had when I was really young. I find it funny that I didn't even recognize him when we first met him at the bar when he was still dating Amber eonni.
Speaking of Amber eonni, just I've said I find her actions really stupid and I am angry at her but I'll be lying if I loathe her to the core. Recently, I did picture things if I wasn't kind to Amber that rainy night and took her in eventually. I imagined that Key oppa and I would still be going from place to place avoiding who knows who. It would still be a routine on our part and somehow I think going her entering our lives spiced things up. Key oppa finally opened his heart for someone.

"Who am I kidding?! She destroyed it. She stepped on it until everything turned to dust."
"What are you talking about there, Jinri?"
"It's nothing Jonghyun oppa. Also, don't call me Jinri anymore. It's Sulli. Only Minho oppa can call me Jinri."
"Being territorial now are we?Okay, Sulli--You were saying? What were you talking about just now?"
"I told you, it's nothing."
"Fine. Let's leave it at that. Anyway, what are you doing over here? Isn't your husband bothered that you leave the house all by yourself?"
"He is. Of course he is worried but the doctor recommended that I go about my daily activities or normal actions without any hesitations. It would help significantly in the recovery process. Enough about me! Where is Key oppa? I told him I'll be coming over today but he didn't respond."
"I think they had some photoshoot or something for the teasers of their upcoming debut."
"Woah! Daebak. It slipped my mind that my brother is going mainstream now."
"Yeah and then he'll get rich and all for being a celebrity and fangirls would start swarming, monitoring his every move."

"It can be avoided though."
"Oppa~!"
Key oppa arrived. He still had a dash of foundation and lipstick on his face which made Jonghyun oppa burst in laughter. He was correct in saying that Key oppa had a photoshoot. Key oppa kicked Jonghyun oppa off of his seat making him tumbling down which made me laugh so hard. Seeing our dynamics, sometimes I wished that the system of our family would've been different. That way, we could've lived a more normal life like everyone else. I am not sure on what Jonghyun oppa is doing lately but I do know he has cut ties with our relatives.

"Sulli, sorry I wasn't able to reply to your text. What brings you here? Are you sure Minho won't get worried if you keep going out of the house like this?"
"Will everybody keep on asking that?! No. It's okay. He's worried but this kind of activity is recommended by the doctor, okay? So stop asking!"
"Chill! I am just making sure."
Right then, Jonghyun oppa's phone rang. He read the message and stood from his seat and said that he will be back in a few days, saying he has personal business to attend to. Key oppa wished that he'll trip and get a bruise. I laughed while Jonghyun oppa said to look forward to it. He took his bag and swung it to rest on his left shoulder and left.
"What is this personal business that Jonghyun oppa likes to take care of?"
"It's his personal business so I wouldn't know Ssul."
"Okay. Hey oppa!"
"Hmm?"
"Are you busy for the rest of the afternoon? Do you have work?"
"This afternoon, no. I do have work but I don't have to be in up until 8pm. Our show starts late tonight. Why?"
"Let's go somewhere."

I dragged Key oppa in the way he was and we ran for the exit. He asked why I had to do that instead of using the elevator and I said it was more fun. But won't you agree with me? The most random and out of the blue things are the most thrilling and exciting things to do. He asked where we were headed and said it was a secret. I know where it is but my problem is I don't know how we'll get there. I kind of at transportation and travelling to far places.
"Sulli-ah, where are we actually going? Why are we at a long trip bus station?"
"Just relax, oppa. Trust me on this."
"Trust you? I bet you don't even know how to get where you want to go!"
"Of course, I know!"
"Aish, this girl."

And yeah, he really does know me. He really is my brother for knowing that but nonetheless, there is no change in plans. It's easy to ask the ticket ladies anyway about how to get to where I want. I bought the tickets we need and I flailed the paper tickets in my hands like a paper fan, proud of myself and feeling so brilliant for knowing how to reach my planned destination. I dragged Key oppa with me and we headed to Bus 232. It was off in 10 minutes so we can't be left behind or else we'll have to wait another three hours for the next bus to arrive. 

"Seriously Sulli! I don't like the looks of this. Where in the world are we going? Do you know where we are actually going? What if we get lost?!"
"Get a grip, oppa! Ahaha. Everything is fine. I know how to get there. Why would I drag you out here when I don't know where we're going. Aigoo, if I know you're are just freaking out because you are usually the one under control of the situation. Let loose for once, okay? Stop being so uptight."
"I'm not uptight!"

"We won't take long. You can get back to work by tonight."

Surprisingly, my brother remained quiet for the rest of the trip. In fact, he fell asleep when we were in the expressway. The look on his sleeping face is someting I learned to miss. I can't clearly recall when was the last time I did but even for a short moment, it made me feel at ease. The calm look on his face as he sleeps keeps me at ease. He has sacrificed so much for me. He had a worse childhood between the two of us. He had to work for our sake. He took three jobs when he was fifteen so that I could study. Lack of opportunities force us to leave and other issues that I don't really know of. 

"Oppa! Oppa, wake up. We're here."
"What?"
"Ahjussi! We'll get off here!"

He looked around and scanned where we were. "Daegu? Why are we at Daegu?"
"Come on, oppa. As if you don't know."
"Seriously, no. Why are we here?"
"Oppa."
"I haven't visited her in a long time Sulli!"
"Let's go."

We took a cab right after Key oppa bought flowers and wine bottle. I secretly took a short trip to Daegu when I was under rehabilitation four years ago. It's been a very long time since Key oppa visited her. I am not really close to her but she acted more of a mother to me instead of my real mother.
Yeah, I guess you kind of figured where we were heading. We asked the cab to drop us off at a crematorium. It is where Key oppa's mother resides. Key oppa rarely talks about her but I know he adores her more than anything.
"If I knew we'll be going here, I could've worn something better."
"She won't mind. She loves you either way."
He placed the flowers on eomma's grave and we offered our prayers. He sat comfortably and sighed. "Wae?"
"Nothing. It's just that I feel such an evil son for not visiting her. I didn't even bother saying goodbye to her when I left for Japan. She was a great mother to the both of us."
"She was. She was more of a mother to me than my own. Instead of pushing me away and saying I am nuisance to the family, she took me in and treated me as her own. I still remember eomma's face. She was really pretty. You have her cat-like eyes. She was also very straightforward like you but she was gentler. I am not sure whether I was able to take after her anything from her but nevertheless, she is a mother to me."
"I never told you this but I actually planned to bring Amber here back then."
"Oppa."
"It's okay. What?  You think I'll breakdown and cry?  Nah. Anyway, yeah. I planned to bring her here and meet eomma. I planned to tell her stories of our childhood and why we turned into the way we did. I wanted to share to her the unusual dynamics of our family. I wanted to tell her how great our mother was. It just to know that I can't do that anymore."
"Oppa."
"Yeah?"
"Did you regret meeting Amber eonni? Did you regret I took her in? Did you regret that she came into our lives?"
"She has brought misery into our lives, that's for sure especially with what happened just recently. But before I answer your question, why don't you answer it yourself first. Did you regret meeting Amber?"
I shook my head. "Not really. I am really angry for what she did but I can't make myself really loathe her being. She made me happy. She made you happy. That matters to me."
"Yeah, you're right. My answer? Well, no. I didn't like her at first because you know I am protecting us but then again you can't hate her. She has this aura about her that will draw you in and make you care for her. That's what I think happened to me and Jonghyun hyung. Jonghyun hyung has always been an independent spirit who prefers to be alone. He didn't like establishing relationships yet at the end of the day, even if he doesn't show it, he cares for Amber deeply. I, on the other hand. Well.. I have issues with opening up to people. Surprisingly, I learned to trust her so easily."
"Do you still love her, oppa?"
"You want the truth? To be honest, I don't know. I don't want to speak with punctuated sentences because I don't want to make a fool of myself if I take my words back. It's just that. I don't know. I am still angry at her. What she did to me was no joke but then again it didn't come to such an extent with the same to our father. I pushed her away and told her I didn't want to see her again yet deep inside of me wishes to see her and actually get answers for her actions. I don't know if I love her as her or it's the memories I hold with her I am still in love with. I don't know Sulli. I just don't."

We offered our final prayers and we decided to leave. It was already three on my watch and it was still a long trip back to Seoul. Personally, I would've preferred for us to take a tour around Daegu even more since it was Key oppa's hometown (mine was Busan) but he had work. Work comes first for a workaholic like him. We arrived at the bus station at Seoul a little past seven.  " I guess this is where we go our separate ways. Are you heading straight to the hotel?"
"Yeah, I suppose. I have some spare clothes over at our backstage anyway, so I'm good. Be careful, okay Ssul? Thanks for this afternoon. It kind of helped."
"Sure thing oppa. Oppa? Please remember, that no matter what you wish to do. I will always be here to support you even if it is such a stupid decision."
"Heh. All right. I'll keep that in mind."

---------------------

We weren't as jam packed tonight. There were some empty tables. I am not sure why but maybe it was because of the theme of the night? We had hip-hop with a twist. Seems like other people still have their apprehensions about the genre. It's a really expressive genre if you ask me. The delivery may involve cursing or fast paced verses but the message of rap songs are usually heartfelt and practical. For the first time in a long while, GD hyung will perform. The whole CEO thing still feels foreign to me but he said it himself not to be so uptight about it.

We started on schedule, 8:05pm and GD hyung was the first one to take the floor. His good friend, Park Bom would be the accompanying vocals to his rapping. I provided the short piano inspired tempo. By the sixth performance of the night, I saw Eunji in the crowd. It kind of surprised me considering I haven't really told her the exact hotel I was working it. She took a seat and remained there for the rest of the evening.
"Hey Eunji.."
"Key oppa, that was a really interesting performance from you."
"Thanks..