***

I drive to my brother’s apartment and fortunately he was there. He asked me what was wrong when I suddenly hugged him after he opened the door. I kept on crying and I wasn’t able to answer him because of my heavy breathing.

He let me in and sat me on his couch as he was trying to calm me down but vision of the two of them in the music room made me felt miserable. My head was throbbing hard and my eyes were swollen for the time I started sobbing. Why did I need to face that moment? I must be stupid not knowing what he feels. He loves Liyin, that’s the truth…and me? I’m just a girl who dreamt of being love back by the person I treasure the most but remembering the scene earlier, it’s impossible…now that I know that he only considered me as his best friend. Nothing more but can be less.

***

I opened my eyes and realized that I was lying on the bed in my brother’s room. I sat up and wiped the sweat that formed on my forehead. I was going to believe that all that happened was just a dream but when I saw my reflection at the mirror, it was pure evidence that I am not. Probably I fell asleep when I was being hysteric a while ago and my brother brought me here. A frown appeared on my lips as Jae’s face suddenly entered my mind. Was he just not easy to forget? I shook that thought off and stood up, heading towards the door.

I was about to walk out when I heard my brother’s voice and someone’s. It was quite familiar but it was still vague for me. My curiosity decrease when I got near where they were and soon I saw my brother talking to Jaejoong. I was shocked and the first thing I wanted to do is to hide from him. I ran to the room where I was before and quickly locked the door. But I guess, he realized my presence just seconds ago since I heard his voice behind this room’s door. My eyes were blurred again as tears kept on falling and at the same time my heart was tearing too. What is he doing here? How did he know that I am here?

“Boa…” I heard his feathery voice and I covered my mouth to minimize the sound I’m making because of crying. “…open the door, please. Let me explain.”

I shook my head nonstop. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear from him that he felt sorry for not giving back the love I gave him. I don’t want my heart to truly be broken. I already had enough of this painful feeling. I don’t want to suffer anymore.

“Boa, please. I need to tell you something”

“No! Stop it, stop this already. I don’t want to hear…I don’t want to..” I started crying hard as I covered my ears with my palms. “Go away!”

“Stop being so difficult. Can you just listen to me?”

I assumed that he was getting irritated by the tone he used but I can’t. Maybe because I’m still not accepting the truth that he loves someone…and that someone is absolutely not me.

Minutes after, there was a complete silence until I heard the car’s engine. Did he left? Did he actually believe at what I said? Why am I being like this? I’m being so unreasonable. Is this what people feel when someone dumped them? Does it have to be so much painful?

I heard a knock and I became fully alert. But I sighed in relief when my brother spoke.

“You can come out now. He already left”

I was still hesitating whether or not to open the door since I know he is a mischievous guy and I don’t want to fall from his trap. Maybe, Jaejoong can still be there and they just want me to believe that he actually left the house.

“Will you open the door or I’ll open it myself with my key?”

I stood up and unlocked the door, only to be welcome by my brother’s disappointing look. I was still surprised at what he said. He got the key in him but he didn’t open it when Jae was still here?

He walked to the kitchen as I followed him. He sighed when he sat on the chair and I did too. I must be giving my oppa some problems now but I didn’t intend to. I didn’t know where to go except to him.

“Oppa, I’m sorry”

I heard him sigh again and I felt him patting my head. I looked up to him and his expression softened, just like when he’s comforting me in the past.

“How did…how did he knew I was here?” I started. I’m still intrigued on how did he found me as I felt guilty again when I told him to go away when in fact I want him to stay. Why are my words betraying me? Do I need to suffer more? Isn’t this enough?

“I told him” My brother casually replied and I stood up in shock. What did he just say? “He called you on your phone and I told him you’re here”

“Look Boa” He pulled me down and made me sit on the chair. “You can’t possibly avoid him…Sooner or later, you’ll need to talk to him and clear this issue between you two…”

“I know that. I know…but it’s not that easy. Things have changed now, I can’t face him anymore”

He squeezed my hand and I wiped my tears with my free hand. I never thought the friendship we had will be gone in just one confession.

“I confessed to him…I did what you told me…but…but…” I can’t continue as I felt myself getting dizzy. I really want to throw away this feeling and I guess this won’t happen if I hadn’t let myself develop feelings for him.

“I’m sorry” I heard my brother said and I shook my head. He’s not at fault. I am. He just wanted to help me but I got it all wrong.

“I thought you can handle talking to him but I guess I made a mistake…You’re still the little sister I knew back then, really sensitive and wanted comfort”

I smiled a bit. I don’t know if I’ll take that as a compliment or an insult but I’m happy that he can lessen my worries. And to think that he was always there for me until now, I’ve never been able to thank him or tell him how grateful I am to have him as my brother.

“Oppa…everything is over” I admitted and my smile changed into a sad one. He was also giving the same look but there’s something different from it but I don’t know what it is.

“He doesn’t love me. I saw him with Liyin earlier. I guess I need to accept that huh?”
I laughed bitterly. But still the fact remains that my heart is wounded and I know it won’t be healed anytime soon.

I stood up and went towards the refrigerator to get some beer. I handed my brother one as I drank the other one I’m holding. “Let’s celebrate?”

“Yah Boa, I’m allowing you to drink now but promise me you will talk to him”

“How can I?! Oppa I’m hurt! Do you know how much I regret telling my feelings to him? How much I wanted not to be there when he confessed to Liyin? How much…How much I believe that I’m such a fool to fall in love with him?!” I drank my beer straight up and I felt nauseous. My head began to hurt and as I looked at my brother, he was giving me a worried look. Guilt strikes me again. I should stop this nonsense and this bursting out suddenly.

“I’m sorry…I just…I can’t think straight right now…sorry” I covered my face with my hands as I tried my best to control my tears.

“Aish that guy” I heard him mumbling something and I asked him what he just said but he just sighed and sat beside me.

“Boa…don’t say something like that. Everyone need someone to love, it’s just that you’re oblivious on what’s happening around you.” I looked at him, confused. I didn’t quite get that. What is he trying to say?

“Just try to listen to him, ok? And I know you will get your answer soon enough”

I stared at him, trying to understand what he said. He went out to the living room and I rested my head on the table. It got me thinking, am I ready to face Jae? What if I will only get hurt again? Aish! I messed my hair harshly and I accidentally hit my arm on the edge point of the table. I quickly held it as I hissed in pain.

“What happened?” My brother asked and I saw him placed my phone on the table. I just laughed at my stupidity but soon followed with crying as I felt the pain again on my arm and he shot me an ‘are-you-crazy’ look.

We heard the doorbell rang and my brother went to open the door while I still hissed in pain. I rubbed where it hurt and I became surprised when I saw my manager beside my brother.

“Oppa” I looked down because I know he is angry at me for leaving the building just like that.

“Your manager is taking you home” I nodded and bid goodbye to my brother. I was glad that I was able to come and talk to him. I went inside the car as I got ready for the sermon from my manager.

***

I lay on my bed, completely stressed out because of the long lecture my manager gave me. Seriously, I know I’m at fault and I took all the blame but he didn’t have to repeat that every five minutes of the ride.

I sat up and the TV, only to saw the news where Jaejoong was running towards my car. I groaned in dismay for the reason I forgot that there were always reporters and fans outside the building. How stupid can I get? I really can’t face everyone now in this state. I looked at my phone as it was vibrating on my desk. I picked it up and my eyes widen when I saw that I got a text message from him. I was hesitating to open it but my thumb deceived me and I felt uneasy after reading his message.

He wanted me to meet him tomorrow and I don’t know if I’ll come or not. Did he know about this news? My brother’s words kept on bugging my conscience but I know for a fact that I’m not ready to talk to him or even to see him. I was still ashamed of myself with the entire ruckus I’ve done and I don’t want to make another one. One is enough and the second will just get overboard.

‘Just try to listen to him, ok? And I know you will get your answer soon enough’

What is he implying? That I was right? That Jae didn’t want to hurt me so he avoided me these past days?

What if I go tomorrow? Will he ask me to announce to the public that what happened earlier was not a big deal? Will he tell me that I’m just a nuisance in his relationship with Liyin?

What should I do? This is driving me crazy!

***