i still love you.

“God, why do you look even worse?” Kris interrogated as Miyoon sat there idly in the dining room.

Lay had just set the food onto the table and they were all currently taking their seats. When Yunhee heard his tone, she pinched his arm and scowled. He winced quietly but didn’t dare reprimand her as he comforted the now sore spot.

Suddenly, Luhan pressed his palm against Miyoon’s forehead. “You’re a little warmer than usual but it’s nothing serious. Just eat and then go to bed.” He instructed as he left to fetch the pitch of water. 

It had been three days since that brutal storm had passed by. Three days in total that Miyoon had been feeling like nothing but an empty shell. Like a zombie walking and wandering around without a soul, lifeless. She felt void and it was as if her entire being was scattered with nothing but vacancy.

She ate, as she had promised Yunhee yet she never tasted the food. She didn’t even feel hungry—if that was possible but she had to keep up her end of the deal. Because although she might not have felt like she needed the food, her body depended on it. Energy was necessary for her body not to give out on her and like Mrs. Park had said, she was after all still a human being. 

As everyone devoured the meal, Miyoon didn’t move a single muscle. Her hands were folded on her lap as she zoned out staring at her plate. Chen slowed down with shoving the rice into his mouth as he tried to chew and swallow. 

He glanced at Lay who was stationed the closest to Miyoon. The latter nodded and started placing food onto her dish. “I made spicy chicken, mei. I know it’s your favorite.” 

Slowly, Miyoon shifted her eyes over to him before they trailed back to her plate. She felt so tired, so glum and torn she didn’t know how any of them could tolerate being in the same room as her.

To Miyoon, she felt like there was this gigantic dark black cloud looming over her head everywhere she went. Rain seemed to pour down endlessly. Lightning flashed every few seconds and the rumbling and tumbling of thunder played constantly.

Exhaustedly, she lifted her chopsticks and picked up the chicken. Her hand was slightly shaking as she brought it to and chewed. Xiumin watched with the rest of them and for the first time in his dumpling of a life, he lost his appetite for food.

Miyoon being like this made them unsettled and they were all affected by whatever affected their precious meimei. They knew they couldn’t shield her from the world for forever but still. To watch as she went through such an excruciating experience was difficult for them. No one wants to witness someone they care about suffer.

Dinner seemed like it had lasted for days as they looked at Miyoon gracefully eat her food. No one tried to stir up a conversation, just in case anything they said would trigger unwanted memories or references to Hoya. So they pretty much ate in silence and when Miyoon was finished, without saying a word, she got up and exited the premises. It was no question that the six geges and one jie had their eyes glued on her but no one followed behind. They all stayed where they were because it was clear to them that she still wanted to be alone. They had to give her time and space for things to ease up.  

Instead of heading to her room like she normally did, Miyoon went into the kitchen and out onto her patio deck. As she stepped into the warm summer breeze, she slid the glass door behind her closed. She exhaled and took a moment to scope her backyard. The space was defined and limited by wooden fences which bordered the whole perimeter of what she could claim as her property.

The yard was medium sized. Large enough to have a cookout for twenty or thirty people. Yet it was filled with nothing but green patches of grass. No beautiful garden-bed. No decorative gnomes. It was simple with a single maple tree planted at one corner of the place. It was an adult so its bark was huge and its branches stretched over a good amount of the yard, providing shade if it was ever needed. Its simplicity was what Miyoon adored most about it.

For if she were to lie down on her back and stare up into the sky hovering above her head, she could see the stars, as clear as diamonds, winking down at her.

It would feel like she was back in the woods at that particular spot. At the spot that belonged to them and no one else.

Hoya might have hurt her deeply, but she could not deny the fact that he had given her some of the most stunning memories she had ever had. Memories she would always cherish even until the day she died. Because for Miyoon, the beauty in loving someone was the memories that person had created and left behind. The memories which would live on as a moment that would never be changed by anyone or anything.

A gentle wind brushed by Miyoon as she set a foot on the grass. She felt her heart warming up as she took a seat and then reclined at the center of the yard. Her back soon made contact with Mother Nature and she locked her fingers under her head, making a sort of pillow for herself.  One leg crossed over and rested on top of the other and as she dazed out into the never-ending black sheet with specks of white littered everywhere, she couldn’t stop one of her most precious memories from surfacing.

Miyoon had never seen so many stars at once other than when she was at Yunhee’s house but this place by far was the most glorious. She turned three-hundred and sixty degrees and the sleeping bag in her arms hit the grassy ground. The field they were located in had nothing but grass. It was vast and open with the stars sprayed across the sky floating above them.

“It’s astounding,” she praised.

“The best view you’ll ever get,” Hoya smiled tenderly and gestured her over. “Do you know what the brightest star is?” He was examining the stars.

Miyoon tapped her chin and looked up there as well, “It’s Polaris also known as the North Star.” She replied intellectually. Yet Hoya shook his head, leading her to purse her lips out and bunch her brows. Her confused gaze settled on him seconds after. She was staring at his profile and Miyoon could see his eyes were closed, meaning he was enjoying the moment. 

Then, “Wu Xiazi,” escaped his lips. Miyoon was confused and he looked at her still sporting that warming and killer smile. “The brightest star in my world is you, Wu Xiazi. You’re the star that lights up my life and I know that if I follow you, I’ll never be lost. I’ll always find my way home.”

Before Miyoon could even utter a word, he caressed her cheek and pressed his lips to her forehead lovingly. Her eyes were the size of the full moon hanging over their heads and this was the last straw. His words had finally managed to melt the rest of her heart into goo as she slithered her arms around him and buried her face into his chest.

A tear rolled down the side of Miyoon’s face as she blinked once in attempt to shoo it away. She told herself she wouldn’t cry anymore. That she couldn’t. It was useless because so what if she did? So what if she cried him an entire ocean? Would he come back to her? Or would he instead drown in her desperation?

Miyoon had been meditating on his words from the stadium ever since she returned home. Actually, his words had never even left her mind. It was a horrifying and gruesome scene but she couldn’t resist the urge to replay it again and again in her head. Although he told her he was only using her, that she was simply an experiment he wanted to test out, Miyoon couldn’t bring herself to hate him.

She tried forcing herself. She really did because if she did hate him, it would have made it easier for her to forget him. Miyoon had tried strenuously to persuade herself that if she despised Hoya, she would be able to smile again. If she could convince herself to loathe him with every fiber of her being, the wound on her heart would miraculously heal. But at the end of it all, no matter how many times she told herself that Hoya was a bad guy whom she didn’t love, she couldn’t lie to herself. She couldn’t make herself repulsed by him, his words or his actions.

He had grown on her. He had earned a special place in her heart and she did not want to remove him, not even the slightest bit.

Her hand s up to her chest as she felt her heart’s beating. It was calming and had its own rhythm to it. Miyoon closed her eyes after as she nibbled on the insides of her cheeks.

Not even with Myungsoo had she felt this depressed. She was sad whenever he was out with another woman but never to the extent she was swimming in now. What could this have meant? Was this what it was really like to love someone completely? That no matter what awful things they said to you. No matter what vile actions they performed. No matter how much grief they caused you, you still mourned to be with them. You still found yourself yearning for nothing more than for them to stick by your side until the day you took your last breath?

You couldn’t spend a minute without thinking about them.

You want to hear their voice after you wake up and before you go to bed.

You smile whenever they randomly pop into your mind unexpectedly.

Your heart constantly flutters at the sight of them.

Your body tingles even with the smallest touches and looks.

You feel like you’re on cloud nine every time you kiss them and everything in the world is perfect because of them.

Was this what true love did to a person? Miyoon sighed, no longer wanting to be encapsulated within her own sorrows as she wearily sat up. She had something stuffed into the pocket of her shorts and she carefully took the item out. Under the rays of the moon, the smashed up watch rested in her hand.

Time had halted its movements and Miyoon ran her thumb over the cracked screen. Her heart was staggering as she curled her arm back and hurled the dysfunctional clock somewhere she did not wish to care about. She heard a soft thud yet her heart did not feel any lighter. If anything, it seemed to have cracked only further as she jumped to her feet and scrambled to where she thought the watch had landed.

“Where is it?” she panicked as she rifled through the area. She wanted to let him go but she couldn’t. She didn’t want to. She needed to hold onto him because even though she meant nothing to him, Lee Howon meant everything to her and she couldn’t just let her everything go like it was the easiest task in the world.

As she got down on her knees, it was hard for her to see through the darkness. She used her hands to feel for the watch and was determined not to go back inside unless she had it in her possession again.

From inside, Yunhee could only sigh exasperatedly. Her arms were folded against her chest as she looked at Miyoon crawling around on the ground helplessly. “Should I go and talk some sense into that guy?” she murmured. Then she felt a pair of arms slithering around her waist and a pointed chin coming down onto the crook of her neck. She could tell it was Kris and just let out another puff of air.

“Do you think she’ll stay like this for awhile?” Kris frowned as he held onto her tighter.

Yunhee held onto his forearms and closed her eyes. “Yes, I think she will be like this unless something is done about it.”

“Well, we’re not letting her go back to his house if that’s what you’re implying. She went and when she came back, she was soaked from head to toe and looked mortified. I swear, if he threw her out in the drenching rain, I will wring his neck with my own two hands.” He gnarled as he swayed his wife side to side.

“You can’t even wring a chicken’s neck. What makes you think you can wring Hoya’s?” she scoffed as she shrugged him off. Kris’s shoulders deflated as he huffed in aggravation. Next, she spun around and looked at him with creases on her forehead. “I think something else happened after she visited the Lees. She’s just not telling us.”

“You don’t think she saw him again, do you?” the man went to take a seat at one of the high-chairs and Yunhee followed him. She hopped up onto the counter and shook her head. Seconds later she nodded only to shake it again.

“I don’t know. I’m positive he wasn’t home when I sent her out but what if he came back unannounced or something? If he said something to Xiaxia, it was probably negative since she looks even sadder.” She predicted. “Maybe I shouldn’t have suggested she paid a visit to them. Great, stupid Yunhee.”

“You’re not stupid, Yunnie. We know you had good intentions.” He comforted as he patted her thigh. “I just don’t want to leave her until I know she’ll be okay on her own.”

“She will be. Our Xiazi is strong. I know she will get through this.”

i hate myself.

“Appa,” Hoya called out as he knocked against the wall. He was standing just outside the media room and although there was no door and it was his house, he still felt the need to knock and make his presence known. Mr. Lee peered over his shoulder after he heard Hoya’s voice but then returned his eyes back to the screen.

Hoya took that as his permission to enter and as he arrived besides his father, he released a burdensome and frustrated sigh. 

Mr. Lee could tell that something wasn’t right and although he was still upset with Hoya for what he did to Miyoon, he was still his blood. His son and that would never alter. He couldn’t stay mad at him for eternity. Then, Mr. Lee was able to hear soft whimpering. His eyes widened as he looked over, he saw his son trying laboriously to not shed tears.

His own heart seemed to stop working because the only time Hoya cried was when Mr. Lee had his tragic accident. Therefore he reasoned that if he was crying now something big must have taken place. Something traumatic and heartbreaking. Something Hoya was never going to forget. 

His crying grew stronger and Mr. Lee was taken aback as Hoya dropped to his knees. Now, now Mr. Lee knew he could no longer ignore him. He took the remote even though he did it slowly and turned off the game. Next, he maneuvered his chair so that he was facing Hoya. He didn’t know what he should do and luckily for him, Hoya had chosen to speak. 

“Appa, I’ve disappointed you. I’ve disappointed omma and halmeoni and most importantly I’ve disappointed the woman I love.” He declared, feeling as though the air from his lungs was being out at a rapid speed. His breathing became short and fast as his nails dug into his thighs. If he wasn’t wearing jeans, he would have penetrated at least three layers of his skin. 

What did you do now, you silly boy? Mr. Lee’s expression softened as his hand extended out and patted Hoya’s head. The latter glanced up, his eyes gleaming with tears. His father could tell he was hurt as he wrapped both arms around him and embraced him in a warm, loving and fatherly hug. 

Hoya couldn’t even remember the last time his father had hugged him like this and he continued to bawl his eyes out endlessly. “I know everyone must hate me. I’m nothing but a liar and coward. How could I run away from a woman whom I can’t even go a day without thinking about? How could I make her cry while spewing out nothing but lies to her?”

The hug was broken as Mr. Lee exhaled. Go on, continue. And like Hoya had the ability to read minds, he did just that. 

“I don’t love Kyungmi, appa. How could I when the only girl I have ever loved is Wu Xiazi?” He paused to catch his breath. “All the things I said weren’t true. Xiazi and I hadn’t pretended to be a fake couple. We weren’t acting. Everything we did together was real but I ruined it by assuming she had cheated on me.”

He released a bitter and regretful chuckle, “She’s right. I am a hypocrite. I expected her to trust me with her life but I couldn’t even return the favor. I couldn’t even trust her with my heart. How could I do such a thing? After everything she did for me, I was stupid enough to throw it all away and break the promise she had been waiting to hear for years. I hurt her deeply and I know I don’t deserve her. I knew all the pain she had gone through with Myungsoo. The problems and discrimination she had to face because she was Chinese growing up. I was aware of all of this and I wanted nothing more than to be by her side and protect her.  It was my job to shield her from the ugliness of the world but instead I transformed into the ugliest and most despicable creature there could ever be.” 

Listening to Hoya’s emotional vent, how he was viewing things. Acknowledging his mistakes. It reassured Mr. Lee that he was still the son he was proud of. “I’m a hypocrite.” Hoya reemphasized the point as he fell back onto his while his legs stretched out. “I once saved her from bullies and heinous words but now I’ve become the bully who only spat put such words to her.” He found a couch to lean up against as his eyes fluttered closed.

◄ Shohwan Elementary 1999 ►

“Guys, we’re getting a substitute today!” Sungyeol cheered as Hoya, Myungsoo, Woohyun and Dongwoo high-fived each other. They could not contain their excitement because they honestly disliked their own grade teacher, Mr. Mao. 

He was an old man, his age landing somewhere in the late sixties. Why hadn’t he retired yet? Who knows. But anyways, Mr. Mao was a rather strict teacher. Sometimes people, ranging from students to parents to even teachers working at the same school, thought he was excessively stern. Especially for only an elementary school. He didn’t allow any conversations to stir up in class and if you were caught even giggling or chuckling, he did not hesitate to toss you out of the class with his bony fingers and order you to raise your arms up into the air unless he said otherwise

So for him to be absent filled the school children’s hearts with joy and glee.

“We should definitely pull a prank on her! I heard she’s clueless!” Dongwoo suggested with a wide grin and they all nodded in agreement besides Hoya who was staring out the window. From where he sat, he had the perfect view of the playground and entrance to the school territory. It was still morning which meant kids were still arriving and getting dropped off by their parents or siblings or if they were like Hoya, coming on their own or maybe with a few chumps.

“What should we do?” Myungsoo blinked as he pursed his lips out. Then he turned to Hoya, “Hyung, what do you think we should do?” But Hoya did not hear his question as he saw a familiar face appear at the gates. His heart thumped a little louder the closer she got. 

There was a tall boy with her who quickly ruffled her hair and watched as she walked in. His brows were angled slightly downwards which made him look very angry but the smile on his face as he waved to his baby sister stated differently. When she waved back to him and gestured for him to leave, he did.

She turned around and met with four girls who looked a year older than her. They all had scowls and glares smeared on their faces while their arms were crossed over their flat-chests. Their chins were raised up, holding their heads high as if they were royalty while their noses crinkled.

Hoya felt his hands transforming into fists as he watched the young girl trying to surpass them. She wasn’t able to do so though because they would step wherever she would move. He saw her hanging her head low before one of the girls pounced forward and pushed her to the ground. Her accomplices laughed like it was the most hilarious thing they had ever seen before they left her there alone.

“Get up,” he muttered. “I said get up right now, Wu Xiazi.” But instead, Miyoon sat there, motionless. He felt a pang in his chest as he looked away. They won’t stop unless you stand up to them. Why can’t you stop being a pushover and grow some backbone?

“Here, pick.” Woohyun suddenly ordered, holding open his backpack. Hoya raised his brows and as he was about to peek inside, the latter closed it. “No peeking. Just reach in and grab a tag.”

“A tag?” Hoya repeated, lost.