if you love me.

As I sat there with my elbow propped up on the arm-rest, my head was positioned on my hand so that it wouldn’t bob up and down, indicating how bored and tired being at this recital made me. I’ve been here for almost an hour and a half, and if there wasn’t an intermission I don’t know how I’d survive. Maybe I should tell noona I’m feeling queasy? Perhaps then she’ll let me leave.

But I gently shook that idea of deception off. I can’t lie to her, that’s not very nice. Why can’t I just tell her I’m not interested in these kinds of things. Isn’t honesty the key factor to all successful relationships? I let out an exasperated sigh as I closed my eyes and let the classical music being used for the performance fill my ears.

How much longer before this place puts me to sleep? Thank goodness my tired face was concealed by the dimly lit auditorium or else noona would be highly offended. What am I even doing here? I don’t want to be here.

So where do you want to be, Kim Myungsoo?

My mind was drawing a blank at the sudden question my conscience had chosen to ask and as the dramatic music came to an end, I too reached a conclusion to my own inquiries. I, Kim Myungsoo, want to be wherever she is.

I want to be beside the girl who has never left my side. The girl whom I shared countless memories with. The girl who has always been and will always be a big part of my heart. I need to be wherever Wu Xiazi is.

How could I not have realized this sooner? I should’ve known. You idiot all those times she blushed while you were talking to her. All those times she became flustered and shy when you touched or complimented her. Why did it take you so long to notice that your best friend loved you more than just a friend?

All those times she looked hurt around Maerah noona. All those times she told you her eyes got swollen from laughing so hard the night you blew her off from watching a scary movie. You should’ve seen through it. You should have caught on sooner. Why couldn’t you?

I must be the world’s biggest idiot right now. Correction, I am the universe’s biggest moron.

But more importantly, how could it take her leaving you for you to recognize you love her just as much?

My head was starting to thrash in pain with the jumbling thoughts running wildly in my mind and soon enough, I heard whispering and murmuring emerging from the crowd.

It was intermission.

I quickly snapped my eyes opened and fixed myself from my slouching position. “Wasn’t that just beautiful?” Maerah oozed as she clasped her hands together with a smile painted on her face.

She turned to me and her expression shrunk a tad, was there something wrong with me? I touched my face naturally but my hands are soon retracted and pulled back down by her. “Myungsoo, are you okay? You look really pale.” She pointed out.

Next, the back of her hand extended out to touch my forehead however there was no contact because I had drawn back. As I did so, I had also pulled out of her other hand and noona looked hurt by my actions.

Great, now you’re hurting two women you hold closest to your heart. Get your act together!

“Ehm,” I cleared my throat and stood straight. “I think I might be catching a cold, I don’t want you to touch me in case you become sick too.” I swiftly lied with a meek and sheepish smile. So much for no deception.

Maerah looked at me for a while in complete silence with an indifferent expression pasted on her face. I couldn’t tell if she was mad, sad, stunned or anything.

Then she popped into my mind intrusively.

The way she looked at me back at the market when she commanded that I didn’t touch her anymore and yesterday evening when she told me it was goodbye forever. Her pained face and glossy eyes, her quivering lips and shaky voice. I hurt her and I don’t deserve her. No wonder she blew up on me at the café. She was upset not just because I refused to help her brother but because of the things I did. The things I said.

She was right. I don’t know what love is. I mean love has been right in front of my face for the last decade and I didn’t even know. How could I be so dense? I said Maerah was the perfect girl for me but when she left me back then, the person I wanted to see most of all was Xiazi. Why? Because I knew being with her would take the pain away. She would take it away.

And when Yunhee fell deeper and deeper for Kris, I didn’t even do anything to fight for her yet I had the guts to claim that I loved her. What’s wrong with me? So if I loved either of them, why is it that the feeling of losing either one of them doesn’t even compare to what I’m experiencing now?

How could I go on telling her I loved all these other women? It must have been killing her inside to hear me spew such things. Now that I think about it, what I did was pretty cold-hearted and insensitive especially to Xia. She loved me this entire time and I was selfish enough to ignore it.

I only thought about myself and my feelings. How could I?

“It’s okay, I have a really sturdy immune system!” Maerah suddenly beamed, causing me to lose my train of thought.

I looked at her and saw her shooing me out of the way so she could escape into the aisle. As I scanned the vicinity I noticed nearly half the people were gone. Probably making a run for it like I should done a long time ago. “So, how did you like the show so far?” she questioned.

We had started walking out into the crowded corridors where concession stands were set up most likely placed there to raise tonight’s profit for the company. I felt noona nudging my arm, signaling that she was still waiting for my answer. I really wish I paid attention. Searching through my brain for a sufficient response, I was saved by a holler of her name.

“Maerah!” a male’s deep voice bellowed.

At the same time, we both swiveled our heads straight head and spotted a man well-dressed in a suit and tie waving at us—well her. She sent him a small nod of acknowledgment and he read that has a sign for him to approach us.

“I’m glad you could make it.” He chuckled.

“I am too.” She replied back sweetly.

Wow, now that I take a seco