[A/n]

WARNING!

This chapter has content of self anxiety and suicidal acts. If you are not feel comfortable, or this kind of content might trigger you and etc, I advise you to not to read this chapter. Other chapters will be fine to read, I'll make sure to put a warning if there's any nevertheless.

Just want you to know, if you ever need someone to talk to, if you ever need someone to listen to you, I'm here. Just leave any comments, or send message to me, or you can find me in Wattpad (wheresurjam) Please do not keep your problems all alone to you. You are strong, and you have to know that you're never alone, okay love? Just hit me up whenever you like, I'm cool.

Ok, let's go.

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“So, want to meet the Park guy again?”

You roll your eyes, trying to ignore the voice while doing your warming up stretches. You do expect that your days will never be the same like your days in the school when you’re here. But, you don’t expect that your dawn will be disturbed too.

Especially by this grey headed.

“You do know that guy’s house is around here, don’t you?”

You purse your lips into a thin line and then lets out a defeated sigh.

“No, I don’t. He has nothing to do with me. Can you please give me a peaceful morning? I would really appreciate it if you stop talking about that ‘Park guy’,” you tuck your earphones, but Jimin quickly pulls them off you.

“Hey! What are yy-” you fail to utter more words as you can feel heat creeping up your face as Jimin slips his hand into your pocket. You can feel his fingers are brushing upon your covered hips. You gulp as Jimin pulls his hand away from your pocket, successfully stuffs the earphones into your pocket. You are about to curse at him when Jimin swiftly grips your wrist and starts stepping forward, forcing you to be in line with him horizontally. After setting your pace to be as equivalent to his, Jimin slowly uncurls his fingers from your wrist, leaving track of warmth circulating your wrist.

Oh how you wish that lasts longer.

“Okay then, we’ll have another conversation. But, not about that Park, but this Park,”

You sneer, shaking your head gently in disbelief. Wow, having a conversation while jogging? This guy has a really good level of stamina you would say.

“Fine, whatever you want,” you give in.

“Do you have any questions? About me or something related to me?”

You let your mind wanders around, trying to dig for anything that pique your interest. Then, something pops out in your head.

“How do you guys actually meet?”

Jimin takes his time to digest your question, structuring the answers before replying you with a question back.

“Do you want a short version of this or the full one?”

“Is it worth for me to ditch my daily routine for the full version?”

And Jimin takes you to the nearest neighbourhood small park directly.

…

((4 years ago))

“Namjoon hyung? Are you there?”Jimin knocked the door three consecutive times, a firm and hard for each of the knock. Lately, Namjoon seldom visited Jimin’s apartment that he shared with Taehyung, when stopping by there everyday was a daily basis of the older. 

Jimin was the freshmen in his new college in major of performing arts while Namjoon was a sophomore in sound engineering. The younger once sought for the older’s help in picking the most suitable song that suited Jimin well for his assignments. It’s his passion, which was dancing, so he would like to put his utmost effort to produce the best output before him handed his works to his lecturer, and by that, Jimin also wanted the music that he included in his dances complemented his works well. 

Therefore, Namjoon was the kindest hyung he had ever met. The one that cared if he was eating or not because Jimin’s getting skinnier. The one that called him every weekend if he would like to have a drink. The one that let him listened to the songs he made as assignments, and also as hobby. The one that remembered his birthday and bought him presents. At Jimin’s first time meeting Namjoon, Jimin could literally felt a positive vibe exuded by the dimpled guy. He was always smiling and laughing like 24/7.

And then, after knowing him a little bit more, Jimin knew that the older’s smiles and laughs were just a facade.

Insecurities and self-doubt haunted him like an incessant ghost, harassing his heart and his level of self-esteem. He was prone to breaking things and being a little too clumsy, and he was afraid people were going to loathe him and left him just because of that reason. He always tried his best not to mess things up, not to destroy anyone’s belonging, not to make any mistake possible because, that’s what he and the public labelled him. The guy who had shorter life span than anyone else in this world. The guy who would die because he got killed by himself.

He developed that fear, or to be more accurate, that phobia since he was in his middle school. When he always got bullied by his classmates because he was the reason they had to go to the sick bay, the reason they had to repeat all the choir practices, the reason they had to clean the toilet because someone broke a tap off and much more. People had been always telling him that he tend to make mistakes ever since he was a child. He grew up to be that way. He grew up to believe him in that way.

He grew up in fear.

All of those smiles he plastered on his face was just a mask, because he didn’t want other people to mistaken him as a grumpy, arrogant boy. Those laughters were only an act, because he didn’t want his colleagues to assume him as a guy who could not handle his emotions well when he was a grown up guy. Sometimes, he was debating with himself to smile or not to smile, to laugh or not to laugh. Would his friends think he’s creepy? Would his classmates think he’s too awkward? Would his peers think he’s a weirdo?

Namjoon went far, too far to the extent he did not want to admit that he feared of it.

Of criticism.

He just wanted to do his best, to avoid mistakes, to dodge the bad luck. That wasn’t a fear, he thought. That was just an effort, an attempt to make sure that the public could accept him and embrace him in endless love.

Jimin knew this side of him when he victoriously went into deeper conversations every time they had drinks with Tae in his apartment every weekend. Jimin had a very high tolerance to alcohol even though he’s younger, while Tae did not drink. So, usually, it would always be Namjoon to end up being a messy and screwed up drunkard.

Jimin risked himself to dig deeper, because this guy had been smiling all the time, it worried him. After hearing Tae reading one of the quotes that Tae got in his poetries book, Jimin decided to try this thing out.The quote read, 

“The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets, the prettiest eyes have cried the most tears, and the kindest heart have felt the most pain,”.

 It stung Jimin’s heart as soon as Namjoon’s beautiful smile appeared in his mind right away when Tae randomly picked a quote to read to him, so he took the opportunity when the older was not in his fully sane mind. When he’s facade was in his weakest point. When himself was in his lowest state.

When Namjoon threw random stories about his childhood and his genuine thoughts that he had been caged in for most of his life, Jimin and Tae couldn’t help but to burst into tears with the crying mess Namjoon. It broke their hearts, the fact that he’s struggling alone, the fact that he didn’t realize he was not okay, the fact that he thought he was happy.

He was never happy. The ones that were happy were the people around him, but was never him.

Probably that day, a big event had slapped him in the face and filled him up more with uncertainty and self-doubt. It was never healthy for him all this time, but that day, it was too critical he was barely breathing.

“Namjoon hyung, open the door please,” Jimin begged, the door louder and louder. Five days straight Namjoon was absent in his classes, when the valedictorian never skipped a class even if he was having diarrhea. He avoided long conversations and frequent calls by the phone from Jimin when that guy even once had called him just to inform that he’s going to poo. He rejected Jimin’s offer to treat him to the Ryan Cafe, the cafe that was dreamy and whimsical to the guy because he swore he would adopt Ryan if that character existed in real life.

When the blue moon truly appeared, Jimin sensed something’s wrong. And he wished he had noticed it earlier.

Tae decided to drop Jimin off at Namjoon’s hostel and tried to reach for other’s help. Agreeing with his friend’s plan, Jimin immediately sprinted to Namjoon’s room. He was certain that the older was in there, he could hear the sound of the squeaking rusty ceiling fan ever so lightly. Since knocking and the door were to no avail, Jimin had no other choice but to break the door open and invade the older’s territory without his consent.

Steadily stepping inside of the soundless dormitory, Jimin turned to his left just to see the living room was empty. Shifting his gaze right away to his right, he curled his fingers around the knob and twisted it after spending a few seconds inhaling and exhaling deeply. His bedroom was really neat and tidy, soft carpet covering the hard cold floor, a wardrobe on the corner of the room, a study table at his right, an unoccupied, untouched bed on his left…… 

And there he was, on the windowsill, locking his eyes with Jimin’s.

“Oh, J-Jimin,” his voice was cracked and a little husky, due to an effort on holding his tears from cascading when the salty water had already pooled on the brim of his eyes. The sight of him breaking apart made Jimin’s heart sank. How could he possibly forced a smile when he was hurting inside?

Namjoon awkwardly maneuvered off the windowsill carefully, letting his toes and feet touched the ground slowly. Clearing his throat while ambling towards Jimin, he still managed to beam as wide as he could but without looking at Jimin’s face, not gazing on Jimin’s eyes. He didn’t want to see his reaction. Namjoon didn’t want to face the grimace on Jimin’s face. The exasperation, the anger that he might display because Namjoon purposely avoided his knocks all this time.

However, Namjoon didn’t see this coming.He forgot that Jimin was not that kind of person.

Jimin pulled him into a tight embrace, engulfing the taller into a hug that he wished he wouldn’t have to let go. Namjoon was still frozen in perplexity, got all speechless when the younger started to stammer on his feet as Jimin sobbed uncontrollably yet silently. Namjoon gulped when he could feel Jimin slithered his hand from the taller’s back, to Namjoon’s left shoulder, left forearm and then down to the taller’s hand. Jimin forced Namjoon’s fisted fingers to loosen his grip, and Jimin successfully replaced the thing that Namjoon was holding from the first moment Jimin stepped into the room with his small hand. As a soft thud sound was audible, Namjoon shifted his gaze a little to see the thing that fell from his hand.

It was a penknife.

And only after that, Namjoon replied the younger’s hug, wrapping his long arms around the smaller’s back, nuzzling into the crook of the smaller and wailed as hard as he could. Realization dawned into him when he saw the penknife that he was gripping all the time fell on the floor. Suicide. Did he really was going to do it just now? Was he just considering on trying? Did he try to gamble with his own soul? What was actually happening to him? What made him went this far?

“N-Namjoon hyung, d-don’t do this,” Jimin stuttered, choking in his own tears. Jimin could feel the older was shaking his head gently on his shoulder, still pouring his tears heavily.

“What have I done, Jimin? What mistake did I do this time?”

Jimin clenched Namjoon’s sweater tighter, as he shook his head.

“I don’t know. But whether if it’s a big or a small one, we’ll get through this together,”

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[A/n]

I pour my heart out on this chapter. Tbh, I love the feeling when you finally can express what you've been trying to tell people around you about how you actually feel into words. Like, at last, I can actually tell people certainly, and accurately about these things. I love this chapter, I don't mean by how a little dark it is, I mean how I write it. I'm not someone that can verbally express my emotions clearly. Typing and writing might help a little, even if it's not that precise, at least it's better than speaking.

Anyways, readers! Stay positive and always see the bright side in your life! :> Listen to what Jimin says.