CHAPTER 25

[Sol Han Na’s POV]

I bit my lip and made a tiny squeak as Kyungsoo unraveled the bandage wrapped around my injured foot. I saw the circular gash caused by the nail that magically appeared inside my sneaker and felt my whole body go numb. I was never a huge fan of blood or wounds or anything that shows a person’s flesh. It kind of ruined my childhood dream of becoming a doctor when I developed the said phobia during middle school when I got my first menstruation. I know having a period is normal for girls and mustn’t be something to fear but who wouldn’t freak out when you went home to see your underwear dripping with blood, right?

Kyungsoo, who’s kneeling beside my bed with my right foot rested on his thigh, looked up to me in alarm and asked, “Did I hurt you?”

I shook my head quickly and stammered, “T-The wound… I just… I don’t… like it…”

He chuckled lightly and went back to work. I flinched and hissed as he poured alcohol to clean the gash, the stinging sensation making my foot throb in pain. He continued his work in silence and I watched in awe as he rewrapped my foot with fresh bandages using his skilled and careful hands.

“Waa, is there anything you can’t do, oppa?” I mused, eyeing him judgingly. “You’re good at singing and dancing, even acting. Even at cooking, you’re good too. What’s worse is you’re also smart and good-looking. Waa, seriously, don’t you have any flaw?”

He chuckled and dropped my foot lightly on the ground. He looked up at me with an amused grin.

“Actually, there is one. There is one thing I am really bad at,” he murmured, making me raise an eyebrow in intrigue.

“What is?”

I didn’t mean to sound so pushy but just the mere thought of the Do Kyungsoo having any flaw is almost close to impossible. Kidding aside, I cannot remember a single moment where I saw him commit any mistake. It’s not that he’s always right; it’s just that he seldom does anything wrong. The members never get mad at him and have high regards on him although he’s actually one of the youngest.  Even during practice, although not as good as Kim Jongin, he barely does any mistake and memorizes the choreography faster than the others. He’s too composed and guarded all the time which sometimes makes his presence intimidating. But nevertheless, those are Kyungsoo’s charms.

“Love,” he answered and just like that, everything around us went still. Our gazes are still locked with each other but whereas mine is filled with surprise and confusion, his was just full of vivid grief. I pursed my lips and blinked many times, trying to get my head straight. Love? Well… that was the least I was expecting.

“W-Who…” I croaked, still unable to grasp reality. I cleared my throat and heaved a deep breath before continuing, “I’m sorry, oppa… It’s just… A-Are you in love?”

Kyungsoo didn’t reply but just stared at me in a long awkward silence. There was something about the way his eyes are regarding me that’s making me feel uncomfortable but I decided to just shrug it off. This wasn’t a particularly good topic we’re talking about, really. No wonder it feels a little bit burdensome.

“Are you okay?” he asked after a while and no matter how curious I was to get my question answered, I let it drop. Maybe this isn’t just the right time to ask him that. He’d probably tell me when he feels like it.

“Y-Yes, oppa,” I replied, raising my injured foot to show him. “It doesn’t hurt any---“

“I don’t mean that,” he interrupted. “I mean you. Are you okay?”

I frowned but still answered, “Yeah… I guess I am…”

“You’re not hurting anymore?” he asked in a much lower and serious tone.

Feeling more confused at the minute, I simply shook my head.

“I said I don’t mean your wound---“

“Then what?” I snapped, unable to hide my irritation any longer. “What do you mean, oppa? If this is not about my wound then what is? What is it?”

“Baekhyun.”

One word. It’s only takes a word – a single painfully familiar name – to keep me from talking. Hearing that word leave his mouth felt like a strong punch in the gut. My breathing completely seized and my hands began to tremble. My mind was telling me to say something, to lie and deny, but I was only able to come up with a weak and defeated reply.

“W-What?”

Kyungsoo smirked and looked down.

“Don’t even think about lying to me, Hanna. It’s not going to work.”

“I-I don’t understand what you’re talking about, oppa,” I tried saying but he only gave me a half-hearted chuckle and a flick of his hand to wave my statement away.

“Do you think I didn’t notice? Do you think all this time I didn’t know?” he murmured, still keeping his gaze away from me. “Do you really think I’m too blind to not even see what’s going on between the two of you?”

I stared at the floor in silence. My head was throbbing painfully; my heart racing like it’s about to burst. I felt nervous and absolutely terrified but more than anything, I felt confused. Because Kyungsoo didn’t sound mad, not at all. Instead, he sounded sad – so sad and… broken.

“H-How…” I began, after a lifetime of silence. I let my gaze linger on his fist, watching as his knuckles turn to white. “Perhaps… did he… did he tell you?”

Surprisingly, Kyungsoo scoffed and gave me a look that asks whether I’m just dumb or plain stupid.

“As if he would,” he muttered bitterly. “I figured it all by myself right from the beginning. It wasn’t hard, really. Not if you know what to look for.”

 I frowned and shook my head.

“I don’t understand.”

Kyungsoo sighed and looked at me with tenderness in his eyes. He held on for moments before finally speaking, “I’ve always been a keen observer, Hanna. I see how fans look at you with strong admiration, how some girls look at you with grudge and jealousy. I see how some males look at you as if they’re planning to just kidnap you and hide you away in their house. I see how the members look at you, with nothing but pure love and adornment. But Baekhyun… he has always looked at you in a different way.”

He paused as a flicker of pain etched his features. He shifted his eyes towards the ceiling and blinked them many times and I’ve done the same thing thousands of times in the past to know what they meant and what he’s doing – he’s trying to keep himself from tearing up.

“And it’s not that hard to know the kind of look Baekhyun’s giving you, Hanna,” he continued, still looking up. I could see his chest rising and falling rapidly, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he continued to gulp. He’s feeling utterly anxious and for what reason, I just cannot figure out. “It’s really easy because… well, because…”

If someone had told me a while ago that I would see Kyungsoo getting so pained and broken in front of me, I wouldn’t have believed them. If someone had told me that I’d ever see Do Kyungsoo crying in my whole life, I would have bet to chop my hand off and still not believe them. Because it’s impossible. Kyungsoo might’ve looked weak and fragile in his stature and soft features but he’s the complete opposite of that. I’ve never seen him shed a tear once – not even during a drama; not even when he’s hurt or wounded; not even during Kris’ and Luhan’s departure. It has never been his thing. Never.

“Because he looks at you the same way I do.”

Kyungsoo’s words snapped me out of my reverie and made my attention dart back at him. I stared at him wide-eyed, my mouth slightly opened in astonishment. What did he just said?

“Every time I see him looking at you, it reminds me of the way I look at you. It almost feels like watching myself staring at you, Hanna. It’s the same, so heartbreakingly the same, that the moment I noticed it, I instantly felt afraid. Because I know, my friend just became my rival. And I had to fight and hurt him just so I could have you.”

I would have easily laughed this thing off and wave it off as a really mean joke but with Kyungsoo’s eyes finally focusing on mine, I could tell the absolute sincerity he’s putting on his words – that this isn’t just some kind of a lame joke. This is real. This is happening. As much as I despise it… it is happening.

“So here’s the answer to your question, Hanna,” he continued, forcing himself to smile. “The one thing I’m really bad at is you.”

I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to open my mouth and ask him to stop, that hearing him say more is only hurting the both of us. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and console him. I wanted to apologize for letting him suffer like this. But I felt frozen on my spot, my limbs failing to move according to my orders. I only stayed there sitting like a complete idiot as the man kneeling in front of me drowns in his own tears.

Kyungsoo chuckled bitterly before continuing on talking, “Can you believe that? I can sing. I can dance. I can act. I can cook. People even call me smart back when I was still in school. But why can’t I also be good with this one thing I wanted so much to have? Why can’t I also be good in love?

I would’ve given up all the other things. I would rather God take my looks or my talents away. I would’ve sacrificed everything if that meant I could have you. Because who needs them, anyway? Why would I even need them? What good are them to me when I can’t even get the single thing I want in my life? You, Hanna. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you. You’re the only thing I’ve been constantly wishing, hoping, and praying for. But why can’t the heavens just understand that? Why can’t they see that I don’t need anything else? I don’t need all these material things. I need you. Just you. Screw everything else. I just want you.”

Kyungsoo covered his face with his hands and began to sob faintly. Tears began to fall from my eyes too but I pressed my mouth shut and looked away. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? What am I even supposed to answer to all those things he said? It hurts me to see him like this but I can’t even think of any possible way to make him feel better. How am I supposed to know the cure to a broken heart when I’ve also been struggling to seek the answer myself?

“But you know what, Hanna?” he spoke again, sniffing and wiping his face. He gazed up at me and I literally had to force myself to return the look. What the heck is wrong with me? Just how many more men do I have to see cry? How many more of them have to hurt just because of me? Am I cursed? Is this my fatal flaw? To hurt every single man that comes my way? Should I just isolate myself and be alone? “I’m not mad at you. Not even at Baekhyun. To be honest… I am more mad at myself. For letting you go… For letting my chance slip away so easily… I loved you first, you know? I already love you right before Baekhyun even realized he likes you. I already love you right before he even thought about sparing a glance at you. I was first. But because of my cowardice and stupidity, I lost.”

Kyungsoo sighed and forced a bitter smile.

“I had all the chances to confess to you and approach you first. But fear took the best of me so I kept pushing all my opportunities away. Then one day I saw Baekhyun looking at you like you’re holding the whole world at the palm of your hands and that’s when I realized it was already over for me. I lost my chance. I lost you. And what’s more painful is the fact that I lost you to my member – my so-called brother.”

Carefully, he stood up. He’s managed to calm down a bit but the sorrow is still lingering in his eyes and his features. He kept his gaze at me for a few moments before he spoke again, his voice low and raspy, “Tell me, Hanna. If perhaps… just in case… I confessed to you earlier than Baekhyun did… if I told you I love you right before he did… would that… would’ve that changed anything?”

At first, my instincts told me that it won’t – that I would have still fallen in love with Baekhyun regardless whether he confessed before him – but of course, I cannot be sure. Could it be? Is it even possible? Would’ve things change if Kyungsoo told me earlier that he’s in love with me? Would that keep me from loving Baekhyun instead? Just the mere thought made me shudder with the impossibility but at the same time, it makes me curious. What could have happened if Kyungsoo confessed? Would I still be in this complicated situation I am in right now? Or would I have been happier with him?

I pursed my lips and put on a lot of thought before answering, “I don’t know, oppa. I can’t be sure. Things may change. Things may not. I might’ve fallen in love with you instead or the story would’ve just simply taken a different route but still ends up with me loving Baekhyun. But no matter what, they’re all in the past now and it won’t do good to dwell on them. They’ll just fill us with regrets and make us suffer while thinking about the endless ‘what ifs’ and ‘how it could have been’s’. Let’s just focus on what’s going on at present. Try to make it better. Try to make up for all the mistakes we did in the past. That’s the only way we’d stop feeling sorry for all the things we didn’t do and all the chances we let pass.”

Kyungsoo smiled, a real smile this time, and reached out to my cheek. His thumb caressed my skin so slowly and carefully, like he’s afraid he might hurt or break me. I sighed and indulged myself in his touch.

“No wonder I fell in love with you,” he murmured softly, his eyes gleaming with pride and adoration. He sighed again before shifting to cup my cheek with his hand. His tone was both happy and sad as he spoke again, “But I’ve decided a long long time ago to give up and just support the two of you. I saw how much happy you are with him and how he feels the same with you. How could I even bear to go against that kind of love, right? I love the two of you. You’re my family and I wou