CHAPTER 10

[Sol Han Na’s POV]

I pulled the nightgown closer around me and slid the door to the veranda open, letting the cold night air wrap me in its embrace. My hair’s still dripping wet, making me shudder and grit my teeth, but I could care less about drying my hair right now. I’ve gone straight to bath after arriving back at the dormitory thinking it might help clear my buzzing head. But it didn’t. My mind kept filling up with images of Myungsoo and how he kissed me so tenderly that I ended up bruising my palm after hitting the bathroom wall over and over

“Get a grip, Hanna,” I told myself as I leaned against the metal railings of the veranda, covering my face with my hands. My lips throbbed as another image of Myungsoo kissing me slipped inside my head. I groaned and began to slap myself making the image fade. I sighed deeply.

He said he loved me.

Heedlessly, his words echoed at the back of my mind. I don’t know how many times I’ve imagined it, thought back to it, starting from the drive home but I can’t seem to shrug off the way he spoke those words to me.

It felt so real.

My heart lurched, my fingers wrapping around my ring unconsciously. It’s starting to become a habit, actually. Every time I’d think of Myungsoo or get flustered because of him, my fingers would automatically wound around the ring and begin twisting it.

I bit my lip and stared down at it.

I know the reason why I’m here right now, why I’m agitated and on the edge, and I know what I need – to organize my feelings. Myungsoo’s words have left a strong impact on me. It made my heart flutter, my mind blank, my breathing falter, my hands tremble, and my knees weak. It’s the way he had said it – like he had meant it. I’ve always convinced myself that he likes me, a little too much than necessary for the show, but it never registered in my mind that he could love me.

Who am I for someone like him to fall in love with?

I am no one: just one of the many new stars making their way up in this crowded industry. I have average looks, average talents – nothing so special that can make me stand out from the rest. And clearly… I am not someone worthy of holding on to. Baekhyun had made that clear a few nights ago.

So why would he love me?

Something fell and stained the ring, making me realize I have begun crying again. I remembered myself crying back when I was with Myungsoo and not knowing the reason behind it.

But I know it now.

Images of my memories with Myungsoo filled my head in a steady continuous stream: our trip to the zoo, to the cinema, the games with the other couples, the carnival, and now his surprise for me at the concert. My heart crumpled as I thought about what Baekhyun used to tell me, his biggest fear: Myungsoo doing things to me that he never in his whole life could.

I used to ignore it then, convinced that no matter what kind of gift or surprise Myungsoo laid in front of me would not keep me from loving him. And what kills me so much right now is the fact that I’m starting to understand the reason behind his fear. I’m starting to feel that I was wrong for ignoring his words and for being so confident all along.

Because I’m slipping… slowly slipping.

I closed my eyes and choked as I tried to stifle my sobs. I’m aware of it now – aware of my slight feelings for Myungsoo. But those feelings aren’t enough to bump away the one I have towards Baekhyun. I love him. Still love him. And not even his mistake, his betrayal, or our separation, has made me love him less. I still clung to him – my mind, my heart, my whole being.

And it now that I can finally see why he fears Myungsoo so much. Because if I were to be honest with myself, Myungsoo has made me feel things I’ve never felt when I was with Baekhyun. He had made me happy in ways Baekhyun never had. And he had given me things, shown me things, that I doubt Baekhyun could ever give me – not in this situation, maybe not even in this life.

I love Baekhyun but… can I really bear to let Myungsoo go? I know it’s selfish, so selfish of me to think this way, but I know letting Myungsoo go means letting go of the opportunities I can have in the future – surprises, events, gifts – all those mind-blowing things he does that always leaves my heart hammering.

I could almost imagine a life with him. A life where we could freely date and show our affections, a life full of bliss and surprises. Of course people might judge our relationship at first but I’m sure all it needs is time and the issues would immediately fade away.

But with Baekhyun… it is quite hard to even imagine one.

We’ll sneak up every single night in my room because it’s the only time we have away from the boys. Taeyeon will have to be his staged girlfriend until he could find the right moment to pretend to break-up with her. And when the right time comes, we’ll tell the boys the truth and come out as the real couple we really are. No doubt the boys will be mad, the public would go frantic, but we have to trust time and its capability to heal wounds. But even that has no assurance. Will the boys accept us? Will the public accept us? Or will we be just like those stars whose career crashed to the ground because of wrong choices and decisions?

A few nights ago I wouldn’t have had the need to think this critically. I wouldn’t have had the urge to weigh my options, to choose between Baekhyun and Myungsoo. Because back then, I didn’t need to choose. There was no one else to choose. I was so sure Baekhyun is the one for me – him and no one else.

But things are different now.  Even the feelings I have for Baekhyun isn’t enough to convince me that there is a future ahead of us. With him, all I could imagine in the future is my dark room and hushed voices as we tried to hide our relationship in the shadows. Will my love for him be able to withstand those consequences?

My thoughts were interrupted by a sudden screeching sound near me. I turned to my side only to see the figure of Baekhyun emerging from his room’s veranda. Each of our rooms has their own veranda but I seldom see the boys using it. Usually, it was only me. And the fact that Baekhyun is standing on his own, when we used to share mine together, made my chest twist in pain.

Look at how much has changed between us, I thought.

Baekhyun stopped so that the two of us are facing each other. Our eyes met and I could’ve sworn I heard something inside me break.

We stared at each other for moments, waiting for someone to break the silence. I took the chance to take him all in – to scan him from head to toe. He’s still the same Baekhyun. My Baekhyun.

A stray tear escape my eye.

I miss you, I began to speak to him from inside my head. I miss you and even heaven knows how much I still love you. But we’re over now. And I don’t think even the intensity of my love for you is enough to keep me holding on.

I forced myself to smile at him and with a final glance, stepped inside my room.

***

[Byun Baek Hyun’s POV]

I pressed the replay button for the nth time, watching the video all over again. I have mentally cursed Sehun for showing me this video countless of times but it’s nothing compared to how much I despise myself for even watching it no matter how searing the pain it inflicts upon me.

The video buffered for a moment before starting. Loud screams sounded from my earphones, making me flinch, before a full-body view of L flashed on the screen. The video was shaky (probably because the owner was so busy spazzing around while recording it) but clear enough to see everything that’s happening during the concert.

I skipped a few seconds to arrive at the part where L had left the stage to go to Hanna. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’ve watched this video a lot of times. I almost got it memorized completely.

I felt my chest tighten, my stomach turning heavy like I’ve just swallowed a ton of bricks, as I watched L serenade Hanna – the girl I love the most.

I was so engrossed with the video that I barely heard the scraping of metal against metal before I paused it and darted towards the glass doors leading to the veranda and peeked. Even with a flight scheduled tomorrow, I decided to stay up and wait for Hanna to come home. I was supposed to wait for her downstairs but thought it’d creep her out so I decided to stay in my room and keep a close watch. I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep without seeing her.

I leaned against the door frame as I quietly observed her outside. I didn’t actually “hear” her arrive but I know her too well to be sure that she’d go out to her veranda tonight.

And she did.

The thought made me smile proudly.

Between watching her, I noticed how she left her hair damp. It almost made me want to reveal myself to scold her but I resisted, knowing that this is the only way I could see her – secretly and unknowingly.

Pabo. You’ll get youself sick, I wanted to say to her.

I stood there for what felt like forever – watching her, observing her movements, looking for anything that would give me an idea on how she’s feeling. I kept wondering how L’s surprise affected her. First, I tried convincing myself that it’s only a matter of curiosity but I know better. I’m jealous. Because I’ll never be able to do the same thing to her.

In your dreams, my subconscious pointed out.

A wave of emotions hit me all at once. Sadness. Pain. Jealousy. Loss. Anger.

I still love her. I love her so damn much not a day goes by without me regretting my decision and thinking about walking up to her to ask for redemption. Every single day I have to face her and pretend like I don’t feel anything anymore when deep inside every atom in my body is aching to touch her, to hold on to her, to feel her against me in any way possible. I miss her so much standing so close to her without touching her feels like death. I miss the way we talk. I miss the way I could approach her without the need to control myself. I miss the way we would stay up late at night cuddling, kissing, expressing our love for each other freely.

Hanna has always felt like the other half of me – the one thing that anchors me to this world. And losing her almost felt like I am half-dead. The fact that I can still see her and stay beside he