CHAPTER 16

[Sol Han Na’s POV]

The first thing that welcomed me the moment I arrived at the dorm and stepped inside the living room is a figure of Byun Baekhyun sitting languidly on the couch, hidden in the shadows. There was a cup placed on the table in front of him but his attention seemed to be drawn somewhere else.

I stood staring at him, contemplating whether I was only seeing things, when his head suddenly turned towards my direction; making me cringe in shock.

“Hanna,” he murmured softly as he rose from his seat. The worry and sadness in his voice is enough to make my heart clench. He keeps on telling me he doesn’t love me anymore but here he goes again with his strange words and actions.

I walked in and dropped my bag on the nearest chair.

“Why are you still up?” I asked, trying to sound indifferent.

His eyes followed me but he didn’t leave his spot. I went to turn on the lights, making him blink for a moment. I can barely see him through the dark and the small light slipping from the windows wasn’t even enough to provide some illumination.

“I was waiting for you,” he answered swiftly like he wasn’t even thinking about how his response would affect me. Stop. You’re making things so confusing again, I wanted to yell at him.

My cheeks reddening, I looked down and pretended to search for something inside my bag. I muttered silently, “Thanks, by the way.”

Images of the pandemonium flashed inside my head. I could almost hear Taeyeon’s voice again calling me , , and all other nasty things. I remembered the sound of Baekhyun’s voice as he yelled at Taeyeon and pushed her away from me. I could almost see his face again – full of anger and rage. I know this may sound wrong, but I was somehow delighted when he swooped in to rescue me. I felt gladdened when he came and stood by my side. For a short while things felt normal again. It was like we never broke up. That moment gave me another spark of hope, intensifying my expectation.

Maybe he still loves me, I wondered back then but decided to wipe the thought away. I shouldn’t be assuming things. I shouldn’t be hoping for anything. He told me he doesn’t love me anymore. I should believe his words.

“For what?” he blurted, making my attention shift back to him.

“For what you did today,” I replied, putting all efforts to keep my voice neutral. “I haven’t thanked you for saving me back there. So, thanks.”

Being here alone with him, seeing his eyes gaze at me tenderly, only made my heart constrict in pain. It’s killing me to be this close to him and remain unable to touch him. I could feel the extreme longing bubbling inside my chest and thought it would be better for me to leave now to keep myself from doing things I’d only regret later.

I grabbed my bag and was beginning to walk away when Baekhyun stepped and intercepted my way. My whole body froze in an instant.

We stood there so painfully close with one another. I waited for him to speak but noticing the quick rise and fall of his chest, I realized how much he’s struggling mentally. He’s not looking at me but towards the floor and I noticed his fists shaking wildly, his knuckles turning white.

I wanted to touch him, to wrap my arms protectively around him. I wanted to comfort him and tell him over and over that I am here for him and everything’s going to be okay no matter what his problems are. I want to kiss his forehead, his eyes, his nose, his lips – every part of him that makes him who he is. I miss him. God, even those words are not enough to express how I really feel. I want him – the whole of him – right now.

A long while must have passed between us before Baekhyun finally picked up his courage and glanced at me. I noticed how his features shifted now, all the softness and tenderness visible in his face now wiped clean and replaced by the cold one I am yet to get used to.

I stood straighter, mentally preparing myself for what he’s about to say, but even my efforts on steeling myself were in vain the moment the words escaped his mouth.

“Stay clear of Taeyeon from now on, please,” he whispered, unable to meet my eyes. “Stay away from her.”

I’d rather he just slap me in the face. I’d rather he just stab me with a knife. I’d rather he just kill me over and over. I’d rather he do all those things than have him say that to me.

Why me? Why do I have to stay away from her? Why is he now making it look like I was the one who’s at fault here? Was I the one who assaulted Taeyeon? Was I the one who badmouthed her? Why is he suddenly putting the blame on me?

Baekhyun must have seen the anguish written all over my face for he suddenly tried to reach out but I pulled away just before he could grab me.

“Hanna---“

“Don’t touch me,” I snapped, my tone dripping with poison.

He flinched and stepped closer to me. Instinctively, my hand flew and hit his cheek. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped the moment I realized what I had just done.

Baekhyun stared at the floor in a stunned silence. I could almost see the red mark of my hand slowly appearing on his face. I bit my lip as I fought back my tears. I’ve never felt this bad before. My conscience is tugging on my whole being that I want nothing but to yank my hair and hurt myself. I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I just slapped him. All this time I want nothing but to keep him from pain, protect him from anything that would hurt him. And now here I am, doing the thing I’ve always tried to shield him from.

“I’m---“ I blurted but my voice broke as I choked on my tears. I gasped loudly as a throbbing pain unfurled in my chest. I grabbed my bag and dashed upstairs feeling more horrible than I could ever imagine.

***

The next day, I woke up feeling like a zombie. I wasn’t able to get proper sleep, not with all the things rummaging inside my head. I still can’t forgive myself for slapping Baekhyun. I shouldn’t have done that. But I can’t deny a small part of me that was actually pleased it happened. For a moment there I felt triumphant – like I’ve taken a tiny revenge for having my heart broken. And that only made me loathe myself even more.

My day went on just like the usual: breakfast with the boys, ride to the company, rehearsals. I kept to myself most of the time, plugging in my earphones which is like a clear sign that says ‘I don’t want to be disturbed right now’. Thankfully, the boys didn’t bother to pry. They gave me the peace I wanted probably because they could sense the dark aura surrounding me. No one messes with me when I am in one of these moods.

But just when I thought my day was ending smoothly, I was wrong. Definitely more than wrong.

“What’s the matter with you two?” the director demanded right after we finished our third take. We are in the auditorium right now for the rehearsals for the upcoming SM Town Concert and I could say that Baekhyun and I are clearly in a lot of trouble. We kept on committing mistakes and repeating the performance over and over but the director was never satisfied. In the end, she had to call us down from the stage to give us some good lecturing.

“Your performance was already near perfection the last time we practiced,” she continued to nag. “What happened now? Why do you two sound like this is your first time performing?”

Baekhyun and I only lowered our heads and turned towards opposite directions.

I heard the director gasp.

“Did you two gotten into a fight?” she asked in clear disappointment. None of us answered and just continued to avoid one another. “The emotions were gone all throughout the song. No chemistry. No eye contacts. No everything!”

The director grabbed both our shoulders and forced us to stand side by side. I couldn’t even dare meet her gaze because if only looks could kill, I’m pretty sure I’d be lying dead by now.