Today is going to be brooding. Just like the entire week. If the world says they are freaked out by waking at exactly three in the morning or exactly at midnight or even no sleep, I'm freaked out by shallow sleep, not knowing whether or not I'll dream of five other things that scares the out of me and never escape. Not until I startle awake or scream. Dreams  where I was lost, people pulled me out of the closet, a dream where I was shunned by the world, random things that can be counted like slow torture.

When I'm awake, I'm left wondering about the same dreams. Usually dreams would escape our minds right? Mine are weird. I remember portions and can conclude. They spoke to me with finished ideas, like it has been done.

It will be done. Maybe I'll live horribly like the past few weeks, the slow torture of society. People will help and I can say that it's not over cause the cycle repeats. Just like in the dreams. Right now, I don't need my dreams to come true

If rehearsals was the thing of an artist then it's not my thing to do. Rapping is fine but really, everything is a drag. Preparation for a the next show and the next and the next and the next.

"You look like you need rest." I heard Krystal speak up which was a pretty normal thing once she sees something is wrong. Before I even faced her, I perked up.

"Rest?" That's the least of the things I'm getting. I wiped my sweaty face with a quick move of my shoulders watching her take her drink before I got my answer.

"Yeah. You know proper sleep rather than staring at the distance early in the morning." Krystal looked me in the eye.  I dropped the act of being perfectly fine with today. Seems like she has sharp eyes even in the dark or she made it all up.

"Don't bother asking. I hear you whimper in sleep. I haven't told anybody yet." She fixed up her bottle and grabbed a towel while explaining before I really did ask. She's less naive than I expected.

" Caught my terrible acting." I faced the wall avoiding how anybody else can discover this ruined face of mine. Krystal was smart at this, I'm vulnerable that it shows or my acting skills really . " Hope I didn't bother you with it."

She wasn't so mean about it, doesn't seem like she cared about it."Not necessarily, but as a team I can see that something was off. So maybe, just maybe there's something that was bothering you."

I thought about the things I had in mind and gave her a look. Her leggings, the fact that she knows how it is back home was a good shot but Krystal being such  queen slipped the ticket out of her hand for her to understand what's on my mind.

"I'll open up with everybody soon. It's not... normal."

"Wardrobe? Diet problems?" Girl. Krystal Jung is a total girl. My mind gave the comment as she spoke the possible reasons for my sleepless nights.  "What's his face? Kris right?

Kris. . My eyes grew wide and Krystal gave me  a questioning look before she strut away. I forgot. I totally zoned out for one week.  I checked my phone before I left the room. Not one message.

Good. It was me swallowing not pride, but my expectation. I haven't told him a damn thing, Not a note of how I am. I mean how am I supposed to tell him? Kris I had a dream I cheated on you? Babe, how about a with my group mate?

I am the worst girlfriend.

I cringed in class. The memory of the dream I last had gave me a slap on my face. Why the sudden psycho dreams you ask? My thoughts answered each other.

          'Are you sure you're not the boyfriend?'

          'Do you see how the world sees you? Your fans are falling for you  and not for some girl'

          'they want you as a boy out there.'

          'Transplant needed'

          'What will your boyfriend think of you now?'

What exactly will he think?

A wave of shock made my eyes water. As if I'm not weird enough I had to burst into tears. No.No.NO. Not in Public

I checked the door and as if there was a director for our lives, Kris was there standing outside. Great. No escaping. I'm fine. I'm fine. I kept telling myself.

It broke my heart when I saw his face change. I wanted to cry my heart out. Only I didn't. I tried my very best. I held back my tears and managed to move my lips to a smile.

"How will I face him?" I whispered in despair. With that, class ended quickly . Two thirds of the time I stuck myself with my thoughts. A bad case of over thinking. This is what it is. All in all, I can't.

Mixed emotions filled me when I saw the empty corridor. If the combination of sorrow and hope is possible, that's what I had when he pulled me. I couldn't look into Kris' eyes. I knew it was him when I heard his deep voice and the touch of his warm hands.

I can't look at him without crying. He doesn't deserve my pain. He doesn't deserve me. Any piece of me. He deserves better people. A better love. Not a girl. Not this substandard one.

I wonder what he saw in me.

"I'm simply tired. That's all. It's been quite a day." I said my excuse. It took a whole lot of energy to do that. I took another half of my energy to cancel on him. I left myself to my thoughts again. I noticed how I am a reckless person. Reckless on the inside. Lord, I pray it doesn't reach the outside.

I'm a sad excuse for a girlfriend.

Yep. That's it.

Author's Note: This chapter has been written partly based on what I have been experiencing. The lack of sleep the dark dreams of death ( cause death isn't the worse)

Call me crazy.  I need an outlet. And so far Amber from this story and I have a thing haha.  I legit had dreams and screamed. Mum woke me.

In other worlds, it's official? That ZiTao isn't with EXO?  

And I still don't have a boyfriend.