Code Name: Untouchable. Lee Jungshin. CNBLUE’s maknae, bassist, and resident bad boy. Surprised? You know what they say about not judging a book by its cover? I’m the perfect living proof of that, except, in my case, it’s don’t judge the idol based on his image.

            I make girls fall in love with me and let them believe that I felt the same way. I break their hearts without endangering mine. Unlike my hyungs who did their best not to let a girl’s tear fall from her eyes, I’m the one who does the opposite.

I made girls cry and broke their hearts because the one that’s supposed to matter the most in my life cast me aside. I wanted to make the entire female population suffer the pain I did because of what she did to me.

In books and movies, the good girl is supposed to fall in love with the bad boy…she’s supposed to be the one to cure his broken heart and bring color back into his life. She’s supposed to make something beautiful out of the disaster that’s in him. But how come the good girl I fell in love with, didn’t feel the same way? If that wasn’t enough, I had to endure so many years of watching her fall in love with every variation of a jerk. If she was going to fall for a jerk, why didn’t she choose to fall for me? Karma’s a ing alright because nothing hurts more than to watch the one you love, fall for someone else. Not just once, not even twice, three times doesn’t cut it, four is close enough, but the final answer is 5.

This is a story of how the bad boy fell in love with the good girl. It’s a story of how the bad boy reversed the situation and became the one who cured the good girl’s broken heart just to bring back the color in her life. The story of how the bad boy will do everything he can just to prove to her that he is the right kind of wrong she’s looking for all along…in short, this, is MY story. 

The Bastard Son

            You see, I’m a bastard; both figuratively, and literally. I’m the product of an extramarital affair. I remember asking my father why there were only two of us. Like every stupid excuse single parents give to their innocent kids, I believed in his “your umma is busy with work that’s why she can’t be with us. She loves you just as much as I do. Until the time you get to meet her, you have to be a good boy.”

            My birthday wish has always been the same since I can remember: to meet my mom. I love my father and I never failed to show him how much I appreciate the way he’s raising me, but, just like any other little boy out there, I still yearn for a mother’s love and embrace.

I remember being so happy and excited when my father finally introduced me to the woman who brought me into this world. I forgave her for missing out on the first decade of my existence. It didn’t matter if I only met her once a month or even the fact that most of these meetings were done in secret. I didn’t ask why I can’t be seen with her in public. I dropped the subject about meeting my grandparents because I believed her when she said it wasn’t the right time. I never complained when she couldn’t attend important school events, or failed to show up during my music competitions even if she promised that she would. I did my best to play the part of the good son because I was afraid that the minute I’d rebel, she’d disappear from my life again.

This cycle went on for 5 years. For 5 years I let myself believe in her lies. For 5 years I kept telling myself to be contented with this setup. I never wanted to doubt her. I always thought that the reason why my family life was unconventional was because the both of them (my parents) only wanted what’s best for me. I’ve been too busy playing the part of the obedient and good son to notice anything.

The turning point happened the summer before I entered high school. I was extremely overjoyed that I got accepted into the most prestigious high school in the country. Since I already had a celebration with my dad, it was my mom’s turn to treat me. She refused to grant my request at first but after countless pleas, she finally agreed to meet up with me in Seoul.

“Do you have to attend that school? Aren’t there other schools like that in Gyeonggi-do?”

I wasn’t expecting that response from her. The cold, irritated, and distraught aura she gave off was a far cry from the one I pictured – her smiling, wiping the tears in her eyes, embracing me as she says her congratulations and praise.

“Aren’t you supposed to congratulate me first and say that you’re proud of me?”

I asked her. My voice was full of hope but not devoid of sadness.

“You should’ve told me you applied for a high school situated in Seoul.”

She answered back without even looking at me.

“I wanted to surprise you! Appa and I are moving here before the semester starts. We already got a house. We’re just waiting for our other things to be sent here. Umma, aren’t you happy that we can see each other more often?”

“It’s not too late for you to enroll somewhere else. If you want to study abroad, I can arrange for that.”

“Why does it feel like you can’t wait to get rid of me?”

“That’s not it, Jungshin-ah. Stop twisting my words.”

“Then make me understand why my own mother isn’t even happy for my achievement? Do you know how many hours I spent studying for that entrance exam? Do you know how I practiced until my fingers went numb just so I could do well on my auditions? Did you even care enough to get to know your own son?!”

I could feel my anger rising. I tried my best to control it but something about the way she responded to my news is off. I wanted answers to my questions now.

“I make time for you every end of the month! I call you once in a while to check up on your condition! I work so I can provide for your needs!”

“That’s just it, umma! You were barely even present in my life to be a mother. If you count the days I’ve been with you since I was 10, it wouldn’t even amount to a month! Work to provide for my needs? Umma, did you even take time to consider that what I needed was you? Your presence? Appa has never fallen short of providing for me even before you entered the picture. I want to know and I demand that you tell me the truth. I deserve it, umma! What are you keeping from me? Why am I never allowed to be seen with you in public? How come we only meet on your terms, and never mine? What’s so important for you to miss out on your own son’s activities? Why can’t I meet my grandparents? Why are you mad when you found out about my application to a school here in Seoul? Why do you want to send me abroad? WHY?!”
           

It was a good thing we were in the farthest corner of the restaurant, otherwise, my outburst would’ve made quite a spectacle. I never raised my voice on anyone, most especially, my mother. But today is a different story. She didn’t even get to say anything as 3 people approached our table.

“Yeobo! What are you doing here? I thought you said you were going shopping with your friends?” the older man (probably in his early 40s) said as he approached her and kissed her cheek.

“Hey, mom. I just got back from New York. I missed you!” a man, probably in his early twenties, came and hugged her.

“Umma!!!!” a girl who I presume to be at least 2 years younger than I, said excitedly.

My heart shattered to a million pieces. So this is why I’m kept a secret. This is why I was never to be seen in public. I clenched my fists under the table and tried to calm myself down.

“Who’s this?” her husband asked her. This is it. This is your chance to make it up to me. Please. Please don’t deny me as your son. I’ll forget about everything else. I’ll forgive you.

“Oh, he’s Boyoung’s cousin’s nephew. He said he hasn’t eaten anything so I treated the poor boy to lunch.” She directed her gaze towards me and asked, “Didn’t you tell me your aunt is coming to pick you up soon?”

Unbelievable. Her friend’s cousin’s nephew? Treated the “poor boy” to lunch? She didn’t even blink an eye all throughout that speech. There’s a storm raging inside me and any minute now I might explode.

“Umma, I didn’t get accepted at SIPASH but I got into Dream High!” the young girl said excitedly.

“Aww..that’s ok baby. I’m so proud of you!”

Wow. Just wow. When I told her I got into that school, she was pissed as hell, demanding that I enroll somewhere else, or better yet, ship me off to a foreign country. Now that her precious daughter tells her she got into a second-rate try hard school that couldn’t even compare to mine, she says she’s proud of her? Then what does that make me? I wiped the corners of my mouth, stood up, and got my bag and prepared to leave.

“Thanks for the lunch, MA’AM. I’m sorry this POOR BOY was a nuisance to you. I assure you that I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I hope this is the last time we see each other. Goodbye.”

I stormed out of the restaurant. I didn’t come home until it was late at night. I was covered in bruises, and not to mention, drunk. My father wasn’t exactly pleased seeing his son in that state. He didn’t miss a chance to reprimand me of what I’ve done. I sat there, lifeless, as I let him drown me with his scolding. After he was done telling me about the consequences of my actions, I looked up to him asked,

“Why didn’t you tell me she was married? That she had another family? That she had children aside from me? That I….i’m…I’m a bastard?”

My father was caught off guard. I just opened the Lee Family’s Pandora Box he kept hidden for so long.

“I…you’re not…you’re not a bastard, Jungshin-ah…you’re my son.”

His face was struck with so many emotions but I know that it doesn’t and never will, compare to mine. He has known the truth all along but he kept it from me. I could feel my anger and confusion cloud my judgment.

“It doesn’t change the fact that I am a son born out of wedlock. That I am the product of someone else’s infidelity!”

“LEE JUNGSHIN!”

“Appa, why?!Why did you have an affair with a married woman?!”

This time, his gaze dropped to the floor. He look defeated.

“I didn’t know she was married.”

He answered, almost in a whisper. When he looked back at me, I knew he was telling the truth because I could see the hurt and regret flash through his eyes.

“But at some point you found out.”

I accused him.

“I did.”

“When?”

“The day after you were born. She didn’t even say goodbye. She just left a note saying she was sorry and the truth that she already had a family of her own.”

The day after I was born. The b*tch couldn’t wait to be rid of her responsibility towards me just 24 hours after she brought me into this world.

“and all this time you made me believe those lies?!”

I was beyond furious. I felt used. Cast aside. Betrayed.

“I didn’t want you to have any grudges against your mother. You were too young, too innocent, you’re such a perfect son. I don’t want to hurt you. Even if I was mad at what she did, I knew that I didn’t have a right to interfere or ruin your relationship with her.”

That’s his excuse for lying to me? That’s all?! Why is he even defending her?!

“But she already ruined it when she lied to you about her marriage and when she left me just a day after I was born! She lied to both of us! Why are you making excuses for her? She doesn’t deserve to be pitied on or defended by you!”
 

“Because I loved her, son! I still do!”

My father was in tears as he said that. I didn’t know if he was angry, sad, or whatever. To me, he looked pathetic. How? Why?! WHY?!!!! Of all the women out there, why her?!

“You’re a fool, appa, for falling for a woman like her. Why?! You had 15 years to tell me the truth. I could’ve handled it you know? That way, it would’ve been less painful. Did you know how hard it was for me to find out in the way I did? We were having lunch and then these 3 people walked towards our table. Her husband, her son, and her daughter. They looked like such a picture perfect family – the kind I’ll never have.

Did you know that she got mad when I told her I got accepted at SIPASH and she even offered to pay for my studies abroad? Did you know how much it hurt when she said ‘I’m proud of you’ to that daughter who failed to accomplish what I did? Did you know how painful it was to have your own mother deny you face-to-face and refer to you as her friend’s cousin’s nephew? Did you even care how hard it was for me to swallow my pride when she called me a “poor boy” and treating me to lunch was like charity?

Appa, did you know that the only reason she even wanted to be part of my life was because she’s just trying to make up for her guilt? She never loved me. If she did, she would’ve made an effort to attend to the most important events of my life. If she did, she wouldn’t be ashamed of me.

 I hate her. I hate her for making me feel like it was ok to settle for less and that I should be grateful she even made time for me. I’m sorry appa, but I hate you too! I hate you for lying to me and making me believe that she cared for me! But most of all, I hate myself. I hate myself for believing that the two of you wanted what’s best for me. I hate myself for being so vulnerable. I hate that I was the only one who made an effort to keep this “family” together. I hate it! I hate my life! I hate this!”

I was crying, screaming, and breaking things. I slumped on the floor and cried. My father embraced me as he said he was sorry. I’ve never seen him look so broken and that was when I realized that he’s hurting just as much as I am. The two of us are in this state all because of one woman’s selfishness.

“It’s not your fault appa. I forgive you, but I don’t think I can ever forgive her.”

“Shin-ah…don’t…please don’t do this to yourself. Don’t let your heart be filled with hate.”

I ignored him as I stood up and walked towards my room. My back was facing his as I said,

“Women. They’re nothing but manipulative liars. They don’t deserve to be happy. They don’t deserve to be loved. They’re all just like her. I am going to make them pay for what they did. I’ll break their hearts. I’ll make them cry. I’ll let them believe I love them so I can crush their hearts until it beats no more. You’re a good man, appa, so let me be the one who will take revenge for the both of us. I won’t be like you. In fact, I promise, I’ll do whatever it takes so I will never fall in love.”

My father cried and pleaded me not to go towards the ‘path of self-destruction.’

“Don’t worry, appa. I won’t be an alcoholic or drug addict. I won’t get into fights. I’ll keep my grades up and graduate from that school. I’ll even keep up this good boy façade. I’ll still be me, but at the same time, I won’t be. I’ll keep the part of that good and obedient son, intact. But..you can’t stop me from breaking women’s hearts. You don’t have to stress the possibly of me getting a girl pregnant. Heck, I’ll be practicing abstinence for as long as I can because the last thing I want to do is to bring forth a child only to have him suffer the same pain and misfortune as I did.”

I slammed the door of my room and stood in front of the mirror.

“At any cost, I’ll do my best to keep my heart untouchable. I won’t make the same mistake as my father did. I’ll never get my heart broken because I’ll never fall in love.”

Meeting the Good Girl

            I kept my word. I didn’t do drugs, and neither did I indulge myself in alcohol. I am still Lee Jungshin, but at the same I wasn’t. I grew my hair out. I dated girls here and there. My relationships never lasted longer than a week. I became a two (actually, even 3 or 4)-timing bastard. At one point, I even gathered all my current girlfriends in one place and broke up with them at the same time. I didn’t even give them the chance to curse, yell, or slap me. As soon as I uttered the words, “let’s break up” I walked away without looking back.

            I isolated myself from everyone. I was a loner – that was, until I got paired up with a guy named Kang Minhyuk for a science project. He introduced me to Joon, Jonghyun and Yonghwa hyung. At first I was aloof. I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone, but they never gave up on me. They pulled me out of my depression and through music, I felt my old self slowly take over.

However, I still played around with girls, I still made them cry. I tried my best to make them suffer. I made a mistake though because one of the girls I ‘dated’ and broke up with happened to be Joon hyung’s friend. The 4 of them cornered me and gave me an hour-long lecture (aka, they took turns punching me; this is how boys deal with issues). They demanded to know the reason why.

“Why are you doing this Jungshin-ah?! What have those girls done to you?!”

“You’re a good guy. We know that. But why is it, when it comes to girls, you act this way?!”

            This is it. The part where I tell them the ugly truth about my past and where I get abandoned once more. Once I was done telling them everything, they got up. I knew this was coming. I expected them to leave. Just as I was feeling broken and down again, I looked up and saw all 4 of them. Joon hyung was holding an ice pack, Minhyuk-ah held a first aid kit, Jonghyun hyung was holding a towel, and Yonghwa hyung handed me a shirt. I was too stunned to speak.

            “We’re here for you, Jungshin-ah. Even if we don’t agree with the way you treat girls, we can’t just leave you like that.” (Minhyuk)

            “Sorry about the punching. I still have to ‘avenge’ my friend and well, this is how guys deal with it. I promise it won’t happen again.” (Lee Joon)

            “We never even knew about your ‘bad boy’ alter ego until you played around with Joon hyung’s friend. You’ve always been the cheerful, outgoing, mischievous and responsible maknae. This was…I admit, it surprised us, but that’s not enough of a reason to just cast you out of the group. You’re a good guy, Jungshin-ah, we never doubted that. Not even after everything you’ve told us.” (Jonghyun)

            “I don’t and I never will approve of what you do in your ‘bad boy’ state, but I’ll do my best to understand. I’ll never know what it feels like to be in your place but I promise that I’ll do my best so that you will not fall completely into the path of destruction. I know that it’ll be hard to tolerate your alter ego, especially now that we’re aware of it, but, again, just like what the guys said, you’re still a friend. In fact, we consider you as a brother, a family…and regardless of your twisted view of that, you can be assured that we won’t ever abandon or betray you.

            I think that only when you decide to completely abandon that lifestyle and mindset altogether, will you be able to become the man that you’ve always been – the good, kind-hearted, and loving Lee Jungshin. Until such day comes, and even if the process to get there might be a rough ride, we’ll be here for you…..just……just don’t involve my sisters and Joohyun-ah, as well the rest of So Nyuh Shi Dae in your business of toying around with girls. The minute I find out that you made one of them cry, I don’t think I can hold back and I don’t know what I could do to you. So, are we clear?”

Yonghwa hyung asked me. I can’t believe it. Even after all of that, they still want me as their friend. What have I done to deserve this? I nodded, stood up, and shook their hand. Joon hyung even got us in a group hug. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t know what would become of me.

We were eating lunch. Minhyuk and Jonghyun-hyung were busy teasing Yonghwa hyung about a girl named Seo Joohyun while I was quietly observing another one from the group of 9.

            “Who’s that hot chick over there?”

            “Which one?” (Minhyuk)

            “The one with a perfect American accent.”

            “The one with the eyesmile? It’s Tiffany.” (Jonghyun)

            “No. Not that one. The blonde one. She’s hot.”

            “Hot? Who? Sooyeon? Jung Sooyeon?! Dude, yuck. That’s my sister!” (Yonghwa)

            “Your sister?!”

            “His twin sister, in fact.” (Minhyuk)

            “Let’s go over and say hi. I think Jessica will love it when she finds out we have another recruit for Team Yongseo and it’s about time you meet the rest of the gang.” Joon hyung said as the five of us walked towards where the 9 girls are.

            “May I introduce to you, Lee Jungshin! CNBLUE’s bassist and newest addition to Team Yongseo! Hahaha!”

            They waved and welcomed me into the group.

            “So, which one of you is Seohyun?” I casually asked.

            The girl with the red glasses didn’t even look up from reading her book as she raised her hand and said,

            “Me.”

            “YOU?!”

            Her eyes snapped towards my direction and whooaaa. If looks could kill, I’d be dead right now. What does Yonghwa hyung see in this girl?!

            “Yeah. You got a problem with that, Jungshin chingu?!”

Sarcastic. Fierce. Annoying. Nerd. What the hell? Are you sure this is the girl that MY charismatic hyung is head over heels in love with?!

            “Jungshin chingu?!”

            I walked closer to her but Yonghwa hyung held me back.

            “That’s her way of welcoming you to the group. She’s not really good with the cheerful introductions you know? Something about being original and different.” He sat beside Seohyun and slung his arms across her shoulder. He looked at her like she was the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid eyes on. Yuck. He’s totally whipped.

“Right, Hy~un? Be nice, please? He’s also a maknae. CNBLUE’s maknae.”

Seohyun put her book down, looked at him like the way he looked at her and sighed. Double yuck. She’s just as whipped as he is and they don’t even know it! She stood up and shook my hand as she greeted me politely. Everyone finished introducing themselves. She was the only one left.

“Jessica.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah. Whatever.”

“What’s her problem?!” I whispered to Minhyuk. He just shrugged and muttered something about being the ice princess or so. Ice princess huh?

“Don’t even think about it. Yonghwa hyung will kill you if you played around with her. Her last relationship was a mess.”

“I wasn’t thinking of anything.”

“Shin-ah. Jessica noona may be the ice princess but she’s a good girl at heart. In fact, all 9 of them are. So Nyuh Shi Dae. You can play with every other girl out there, just not the 10 of them.”

“I thought you said they’re just 9?”

“There’s another one. Soojung. Jung Soojung. Yonghwa hyung and Jessica noona’s youngest sister. Spare the 10 of them from your playboy tactics, ok?”

“Ok ok. I promise.”

“Alright. Then, welcome aboard to Team YS!”

“YAH! Quit it with that Yongseo thing will you? It’s never gonna happen.” (Yonghwa/Seohyun)

The rest of us just laughed at their denial. I think I just got myself the family I thought I’ll never have.

            What started out as a crush became so much more. I did my best to get to know her without raising suspicions. At first I wanted her because, well, yeah, she’s pretty, but as I got to know her more, there’s just something about her that draws me in. Was it the way she always appeared to be aloof and uninterested? Was it because I see her as a challenge? No. She’s not just a challenge. I don’t know why and I can’t understand but I felt the need to protect her from guys like me. I know that her brother is doing that job but I know better than Yonghwa hyung when it comes to detecting undercover jerks like me.

            I found out what happened last year. The bet. I don’t even know why I’m so mad. I knew she was still in love with him and I don’t understand why it hurts whenever I caught glimpses of her crying in secret. Her smile did not reach her eyes. How can someone do this to her? I may not understand a lot of things about what I feel for her but all I know was that I wanted to avenge her…and so, I did.

 I dated Ok Taecyeon’s sister. I did to her what he did to Jessica noona, only, I got loads of cash, instead of a brand new Porsche. I lied about my name and as a result, Taecyeon had another guy beaten up. However, I still ended up in the hospital when he found out that it was me, and not his best friend who did that to his sister as well as the other fact that I’m the guy his girlfriend was seeing behind his back. I didn’t tell anyone else the reason why I was in that condition, not even my father.

            “Can I come in?”

            I was hoping it’d be her but she just visited me an hour ago so it’s impossible. Instead, it was Taeyeon noona.

            “I’m going to get straight to the point. Drop the bad boy act, Lee Jungshin. Stop trying to destroy yourself by doing that to those girls. Don’t even deny it. We all know the real reason why you ended up here, but those pabos sent me to give you the wakeup call because according to them, you’re most likely to listen to someone who understands your situation. Not that I was ever beaten up or anything.”

            “Thanks for the concern noona, but I’m afraid I can’t.”

            “Not everyone is like her, you know.”

            She said as she took a seat on the chair beside the bed.

            “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

            I looked away and tried desperately to keep up the pretense. Not long after I was introduced to the group, I told them everything about me. Just like my hyungs, they accepted me for who I am.

            “I think you know exactly what or who I’m talking about. Now, listen, from one illegitimate child to another.”

            Illegitimate? Taeyeon noona is an illegitimate child?! But, what? how? Her parents were happily married, weren’t they? Sure, her dad passed away a couple of months ago, but that doesn’t mean she’s illegitimate. I was genuinely confused. She must’ve noticed that as she sighed and took it as her responsibility to explain.

            “Let me break it down for you, dongsaeng. Your father had an affair with a married woman, and well, you’re the product of that. While, I, I’m a result of teenage pregnancy. That donor knocked up my mom when they were in high school and bailed out on her as soon as she said she’s pregnant. My appa adopted me after he married my mom.”

            “Noona..I…I’m..”

            “Don’t say you’re sorry. I’m sick of hearing that and I’m sure you know exactly how it feels. I went through the same thing when I found out about my biological dad, better known as, the donor. I was 13 then. I rebelled, ran away, flunked a few tests, and well, you get the picture.

 I judged every other guy to be exactly as him. When I ran away from home, I went to find him. I wish I didn’t. He had a family of his own. He’s happy. When I told him who I was, he was shocked for a moment, and then that’s it. He didn’t say anything else. No hugs, or any indication that he wanted to be a part of my life. He even asked that I stay away and never mention this to his daughters and wife.

You’re lucky that she still made an effort to be a part of your life. I’m happy with my appa and I miss him dearly, but I guess no one will understand how much it hurt to be rejected by your biological parent. His rejection was like whoa. It just reinforced the feeling of being an unwanted mistake.”

“I don’t know if that’s lucky. At least you got a father, while I, I never really had a mother.”

“Yeah, well, life goes on, dongsaeng. It’s unfair that we get to put up with this crap at our age, but that’s just it. We have to move on. Stop treating women like garbage. No matter how many hearts you break, it’ll never be enough because that one person you want to hurt doesn’t even give a damn. So, why don’t you be like me? I date guys but never really get attached to them. Like? A little. But love? Nah. I’d rather skip on that part. I’m not exactly keen on suffering from a broken heart.”
 

I can’t help it. I cried. I never thought I’d find someone who’d understand.

“Aww..come here, you.”

Taeyeon noona hugged me and patted my back.

“You’re the big sister I never had. Thank you, noona.”

“You’re welcome, lil bro. Aigoo. We are being too emotional now, aren’t we? You’re a lucky boy, Jungshin chingu. I wish I had someone like me to say the same thing when I was 13. Anyway, I better get going. I still have to work on those few compositions for music class.”
 

“NOONA! Wait! You…you didn’t tell, Jessica noona about what I did..?”

“Of course not.”

I heaved a sigh of relief.

“She figured it out on her own. She’s the one who relayed the information to all of us, FYI. And also the one who insisted that I come visit you alone and give you this, and I quote, “inspirational speech” or whatever.”

“WHAT?!”

“Don’t be too shocked. Advice from someone who’s known the ice princess: she hates bad boys especially ones with long hair, and she’s not really into younger guys. But, who knows? Just, make sure to keep a low profile about your crush ok? She’s not ready to be in a relationship just yet.”

“I’m not crushing on her!”

            “Psh. Says the guy who went through the trouble of ‘avenging’ her from her loser ex.  You did quite a number, Jungshin chingu. Dating her ex’s sister and girlfriend at the same time. We never believed the guys’ stories about your bad boy alter ego, but wow. You really took us by surprise. That wasn’t a compliment, ok? So don’t think we were impressed with it. We still want you to get over your bitterness.

Anyway,Don’t let Jung Yonghwa and Lee Jong’s denial rub in on you. Be the good boy you know in your heart you’re meant to be, and who knows? Maybe the Ice Princess will finally look your way.”

“I don’t like Sica noona!”

“Whatever you say, chingu! Bye! Get well soon!”

If only the ‘get well soon’ applies not only to my physical condition, then maybe, just maybe, I would’ve never experienced falling in love. 

2007

Cyrano Shin

            I haven’t completely changed from my playboy ways but I did my best to at least try and minimize the casualties. My friends would still scold me but they also acknowledge my slight improvement regarding that matter. My relationships lasted for a couple of months and I’m no longer that harsh when it comes to breaking up with them. I’ve always been upfront about my feelings but these girls are stupid enough to believe that they could be the one who’d tame the bad boy.

            I still looked out for her. I fend off those ‘admirers’ who I knew want nothing more than to date the Ice Princess because of her looks and her position in the high school hierarchy. I kept trying to convince myself that it was just a crush, but deep inside, I knew it was something more. I distracted myself from admitting the truth by going from one relationship to the next.

            I thought everything was going fine until that day Kwon Jiyong sunbae walked over to their table and asked her to be his girlfriend. The worst part? She agreed. The rest of us took turns scolding her.

            “Why are you so pissed off, Jungshin chingu?!”

            “Because you’re dating him for all the wrong reasons! What if you fall in love with him? Are you going to cry and spend another year in misery when he breaks up with you?!”

            “I won’t fall in love with him. We made it clear that we’re only using each other to boost our popularity and to show our exes what they’ve been missing out on. Besides, he promised he’d help me move on.”

            “You can move on without having to be someone else’s girlfriend!”

            “Whoa. Relax. You know what, this is crazy. I don’t even know why you’re so affected with this. Can you please just let me be? I’ve had enough scolding from the other maknae and your leader.”

            I did as she asked. I pretended not to care about her relationship in front of her and our friends. I even had a couple of girlfriends here and there just to cover up my tracks. The only person who knew about everything was Jiyong hyung.

            “Shin-ah, if you want I can just break up with her. We’re not even serious about this relationship.” He said as if it was the most natural and boring thing in the world.

            “Then why did you ask her to be your girlfriend?!”  

            “Uh, to raise our popularity and as a revenge to our conniving exes?” he replied coolly.

            “Then, all the more reason you shouldn’t break up with her now. Look, hyung, all I’m asking for is for you to help her move on. I’ll do most of the work but I’ll let you take all the credit. You just have to pretend to be the perfect boyfriend.”

            “You’re asking for a lot. Aish.”

            “I’ll give you an option: you do as I say or I’ll go ahead and date your sister instead. That wouldn’t be hard…in fact, Hayi did confess to me once…I wonder what she’ll say if I tell her I want her to be my girlfriend...you know that I’m a lady killer right? The girls whose hearts I’ve broken are still pining over me.”

            “LEAVE MY SISTER OUT OF THIS!”

            Finally. A decent reaction. I was afraid this hyung would fall asleep in the middle of our conversation. I only said that just to get his attention. I never really intended to date his sister. I have 2 other girlfriends (they know that there’s two of them and they’re ok with it) to worry about.

            “Then do as I say. Please, hyung?”

            “I never knew you had it in you to blackmail people. You looked like such a good boy.” Jiyong hyung said. I knew he wasn’t really mad at me but he also knew that I never issue empty threats (except I meant what I thought that I had no intentions towards his sister, but he doesn’t need to know that). We weren’t exactly close, and I know I’m overstepping boundaries here, but when it comes to my friends, I’d do anything. There are only 10 girls I promised not to toy with and she happens to be on the number one spot.

            “Have you never heard anything about ‘looks can be deceiving?’ Aigoo, hyung.”

            “Yeah yeah. So, what do you want me to do?”

            “Before that, I need you to promise that you will never hurt her.”

            “I promise, ok? I already said, we don’t even like each other that way and there’s like 0% possibility we’d fall for each other. I’ll play the part of the perfect boyfriend even if you didn’t ask. Just so you know, I’m the type who spoils my girls with attention and affection. Hahaha!”

            And so I did help him help her to move on. I was the one who informed him whenever she needed a ride to and from school. I flooded his phone with messages whenever I found out that she has to go shopping and needs someone to accompany her. The salon dates were never an issue since Jiyong hyung tends to change his hairstyle like every 3 days.

            “Hyung, how come you’re still not bald?!”

            I asked him one time. He just laughed it off and told me I was cute. He had 3 phones – work, family/close friends, and others. He’d lend me the other phone and I used it to send her text messages every day. I return the phone to Jiyong hyung’s locker every morning before classes and take it back before school ends (unless they’re going out on a date) and swore him to secrecy about the true identity of the person sending those texts. I kept telling hyung to hold her hand and to defend her against his crazily obsessed fangirls. I was the one who wrote those notes that Jiyong hyung passes to her during their classes. I go to school earlier than the rest so I can drop more of those notes in her locker. I was the brain and force behind everything just to make sure she has moved on from her heartache – the notes, flowers, stuffed toys, etc etc.

            I can’t even count how many times I asked myself why I’m doing this. Whenever my doubt would consume me, she reels me back in without even knowing it. Her blushing face, those sincere smiles and that hearty laugh she elicits whenever she reads those notes washes all the doubts away.

            “Shin-ah! What are you doing not going after the girl? I told you already that we agreed to break up as soon as we won the title of Prom King and Queen. Look, it’s fine. Go after her or I’ll spill everything about what you did.”

            “Hyung! Don’t! I’m not interested in her ok? I don’t like her.”

            “Psh. Not interested? You don’t like her? Yeah right. Who are you trying to fool? Lee Jungshin, don’t worry about me. it’s cool. Everything’s fine.”

            “That’s not it, hyung.”

            “Then what?”

            “Ever read Cyrano de