Ice Princess. That tag has followed me around since forever. At first I thought it was cute, and then later on it became annoying, and then cute, and annoying, and the cycle goes on. Ironic though because even with all the ‘icy’ exterior, I’m still a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. Unlike my hopelessly romantic twin brother, and my forever optimistic baby sister, I’m the type who is reckless when it comes to matters of the heart. I fall in love fast. I give my heart out to the first guy that makes it skip a beat, all the while thinking, “Hey, this could be my soulmate.”  

            I live for the moment. I don’t want to waste a second thinking about what could’ve been, that’s why I plunge head on to the unknown hoping that this time, I could get it right. However, with each try comes a failure, and with each failure, my skepticism about love grew deeper. As much as I want to believe in that kind of love that my brother speaks of, I’ve had my heart broken once too many times – enough for that belief to vanish in thin air. 

            Even if my mind is tired from all the pain of each failed relationship, my heart is just too stubborn and refused to give up. I met a guy who I thought who’d promise me his forever. He did, but the one thing I failed to realize at once was his definition of forever meant that I have to be hidden like some dirty little secret. Of all the boyfriends, he was the one I loved the most. I thought that if I stayed, he’d change and be man enough to acknowledge me as his girl.  I thought that our love was worth fighting for. I thought that relationship was for keeps. 

However, along came a guy who made me believe in the kind of love that Yonghwa and Seohyun have – the one that lasts forever; a love so pure, unconditional, and wonderful. The kind of love that makes you feel that you are someone worth it to be shown to the world.  You know what the funny thing is? Because that guy has been beside me all along…

2001

The First Love

            “Get out of the way!”

            “Move out!”

            It’s our first day in our new school and this is what I get. Being squashed and pushed.  The hallway is spacious enough for them to move, but no. They just had to push other people and pretend to be in a hurry.

“Perhaps she doesn’t understand English?”

 Wow. The first two comments, I could deal with, but the third got my blood boiling. Jung Yong tried to tell me to just let it go but my pride refused to be trampled on. I walked towards that bully and tapped his back. He turned around and snickered.

            “What do we have here? Ni hao ma?”

            “Actually, I’m Korean. But you wouldn’t know that because your brain is probably as miniscule as your d**k.”

            “WHOAAAAA!”

            I started to walk away the minute his friends taunted at him for being stood up to by a girl. Jung Yong was making these weird gestures that meant we should run, but then again, my inner ‘mean girl’ clawed its way out of the closet and I faced those wannabe thugs once more,

            “Oh and by the way. I can read, write, and speak English just as fluently as everyone else in this school, if not, even better than you. I bet you can’t even construct a full sentence that is free of grammatical and spelling errors.”

            I think that comment did it. The bully came rushing towards me and I could hear my brother mutter something under his breath as he yanked my arm and let me stand behind his back. However, the bully is twice the size of Jung Yong and him having 3 other wannabe thugs as his minions didn’t exactly make the situation turn in our favor. He raised his hand and I assumed the worst. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to come but it never did. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

            “Not cool, man. Hitting a girl? Really? That’s just…wow…that’s so low of you, and not to mention, gay. Why don’t you go ahead and walk out of here before I rip your head off? You wouldn’t want a repeat of that thing during Junior Camp, right?”

            I thought his words were just empty threats but seeing as how bully & co huffed and left, I realized that my ‘savior’ wasn’t just an ordinary guy. He turned around and smiled at me. I didn’t pay attention to the tattoos and piercings. For the first time in my life, I felt my heart beat fast.

            “Hi. The name’s Jay. Jay Park.”

            “Jessica. Jessica Jung.”

            The moment our hands touched, that was when I knew that I fell in love. Corny, irrational, and laughable, but it’s true.

            “Nice to meet you. Are you new around here?”

            “Yeah. My family just moved here last summer but I’ve been here in the States since I was four. This is my brother, by the way. Twin brother, actually. His name is Neil.”

            “It’s YONGHWA. JUNG YONGHWA. You’re Korean right? You won’t have a hard time pronouncing my name so I prefer to be called by that.”

            I snorted. Jung Yong loathes his English name and would never miss a chance to complain to our parents how he got the short end of the stick because of it. I can’t blame him though. The name is just horrendous and ancient. I laughed the first time I found out about it when I was rummaging through our documents. Neil is just a nickname (don’t ask what the actual full name is because Jung Yong can never ever forgive such atrocity of having to deal with that) I came up with to somehow help ease his grievances. Anyway, this brother of mine squeezed himself so that he’s between me and Jay.

            “You’re not some gangster connected to the mafia, are you?”

            “JUNG YONG!”

            Jay just laughed and found the accusation cute.

            “Nah. Don’t let the tats and piercings fool you. I am an accomplished mixed martial artist though, so anytime Vince and his friends give you trouble, don’t hesitate to come to me. I’ve been the lone Korean in this school and it feels good to have someone from the same heritage as me, even if, technically, we are more American than Korean because we were raised here. If you want, you can call me Jaebum.”

            “Will you make my sister cry?”       

            “JUNG YONG!!!! STOP IT!” I covered his mouth just in case he asks anything else stupid.

            “Of course not. I think, she’s the one who’s going to make me cry.” He looked at me so tenderly and I knew that the feeling wasn’t one-sided.

            “Good to know. Just a heads up: this girl is not called an Ice Princess for nothing. Anyway, the moment you break her heart, I’m going to break your face. I don’t care if you’re a martial arts expert or whatever. There are other ways I could accomplish that and it wouldn’t be pretty.” I snorted. Jung Yong and his overprotectiveness + empty threats. Way to go lil bro!
           

            “Don’t worry man. The last thing I want is to hurt her. Like I said, I think she’s the one who’s going to leave me nursing a broken heart, than the other way around.”

            He was my first love – first boyfriend, first kiss, first guy who took me out on a dance, and so on. Our love was just so innocent, and sweet. I thought it would last forever. I thought that when we grow up and have kids of our own, I didn’t have to pore through old photo albums when they’d ask me about the man who made my heart race because I can easily point to him as he sat across the room. However, all good things come to an end.

            “I kept my promise. I knew this would happen, but I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret ever meeting and falling in love with you, Jessica. I’ll always look back and think of our time together as a precious and sweet memory. Dammit. Why am I crying? I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re taking my heart with you in Korea and I don’t know how I’d survive the first few months without you. CRAP! That was…so uncool…but yeah..well…I knew you’d always break my heart. I just didn’t expect it to be this soon.”

            We were at the airport. My parents decided it was time to move back to our homeland and surprisingly, we (my siblings and I) agreed as well (all 3 of us; now that is a feat). I feel guilty for not feeling as heartbroken as he is. I did love him and perhaps a part of me always will, but I guess this isn’t the kind of love that is meant to last forever. Jay would always have a special place in my heart. Despite his bad boy image, he has been nothing but a perfect boyfriend – he’s the type of boy who’d get down on his knees to wipe dirt off my shoes, the one who’d treat me to ice cream whenever I felt sad, that boy who’d bring over homemade chicken soup whenever I’m sick with the flu, and the kind of guy who’d treat you with the respect you deserve. I wish I could keep him and this relationship forever, but at the back of my mind, I have come to accept that today would be the end of it.

            “I love you, Jay. Thank you for everything.

            “I didn’t do it to be thanked.”

            His tears were streaming down his face and I felt that tug in my heartstrings.

            “Awww. I know. I just…I really want to say thank you. Thank you for letting me experience how it is to fall in love for the first time, and thank you even more for loving me back. I know I have a lot of flaws and I wish I could turn back time and be a better girlfriend.”

            “That’s ok. I always knew that I’d love you more than you ever will love me.”

            I didn’t say anything because I know it’s true. He sensed my discomfort and guilt but being the perfect first love that he is, he took me in his arms for a final embrace.

            “I won’t ask you to wait for me or to hope for anything about us in the future. I just want the both of us to enjoy our youth. If we are meant to be, then there’s no need to worry or be sad about anything. Who knows? Maybe the next time we meet, we would be sharing the stage? I believe you have what it takes to make it in the entertainment field.”
            “I know that you’ll make it too, Jay. I’ll be looking forward to that album of yours. Make sure you get me a signed copy and the VIP tickets on your concerts!”

            “Of course. As long as you’ll do the same for me.”

            “Anytime.”

            He broke from our embrace and looked at me one last time.

            “So I guess, this is it? Is this goodbye?”

            “No. It’s a ‘see you later.’ I love you, Jay. A part of me always will. I want you to be happy.”

            “I love you Jessica. I want you to be happy too. Take care in Korea. Don’t let those pretty boys intimidate you or anything.”

            “I’m the Ice Princess remember? I think I can handle them just fine. Besides, Jung Yong is with me.”

            I noticed my parents waving at me and I knew I had to end this.

            “So…see you later?”

            “Yeah. See you later.”

            I tiptoed to give him one last kiss, and that’s when I turned around and left. I’m lucky enough to experience the first love that is sweet, innocent, pure, and beautiful. We ended on a good note and I believe that no matter what happens, we will always be there for each other.

2005

The First Heartbreak

            “I love you too, Taecyeon.”

            It took all my pride and willpower to say that. I’m one of the campus queens in my high school. Boys don’t just walk to me and confess. They’re too cowardly to face me. Instead, they’d leave a dozen love letters, flowers, stuffed toys, and whatever else they could think of, in my locker, our classroom’s doorstep, and even at home. 

            It’s not that I was wounded from my first relationship. I just never found anyone as good as Jay and I wasn’t really up to the couple thing. I’ve been too engrossed teasing my brother and Hyunnie to pay attention to my own (and non-existent) love affairs. However, this guy changed the game. Seoul International Performing Arts & Science High (SIPASH) is THE high school in Korea. Every other school in existence is our rival so it came as a surprise when some guy from one of those schools, confidently walked over to our campus and asked me to be his girlfriend.

            I ignored him of course. I made him work for it, and he sure did. I was blinded by his so-called efforts. I thought that our love story mirrored that of the star-crossed romances I’m so into, and that is why, after only 2 months, I said yes. 1 month after I became his girlfriend, I told him that I love him. That moment is now.

            I was expecting him to say it back, not for his friends to come out of their hiding place and yell their congratulatory remarks. He was just as happy, if not, even happier than I expected him to be. I was confused.

            “Sorry, babe, but, I don’t love you. I never did. I just dated you because you’re an SNSD member and I’m all for the chase. Actually, I was originally targeting your maknae but she’s such a geek, while you, you’re hot. Thanks for the new Porsche! See ya!”

            He left me standing all alone, humiliated and heartbroken. What have I done to deserve this? I went home and locked myself in the room. I refused to eat dinner. Jung Yong was the one who persistently stayed outside my door until I finally let him in. He brought in a tray of food, and I was too much of an emotional mess to think about dining etiquette as I gobbled it all up. Once I was finished binge eating, Jung Yong set the tray aside and sat beside me.

            “You don’t have to say it. You’ve warned me countless times. I get it. I deserve this.” I said at once.

            “You don’t. Deserve this, I mean. I heard what that douchebag did. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure he regrets ever making you cry.”

            “Who told you? and don’t bother, Jung Yong. He’s not worth your time.”

            “Anyone who hurts any of my sisters is worth my time. I’m going to make him pay.”

            “How? By beating him up? He’s the son of a politician, Yong. I don’t think his father would hesitate to have his men beat you to a pulp.”

            “I wish I could do that, but I won’t. I’ll make his team suffer during that next basketball game. I’m going to make sure they won’t even get any shot to score a point. Oh and about his dad? I went to their house and told him of what his son did to my sister and how it wouldn’t look good on his campaign if news about his son’s attitude hits the internet and would eventually become public knowledge. I’m sure he’s the one who’s going to get beat to a pulp, not me.”
           

            I was impressed. I really thought my brother would do the typical high school drama and challenge the guy to a fight. But no, he had to be the mature one and deal with it without so much as a bloodshed. Jung Yong may be a choding most of the time, but when it really matters, he can unleash his manly side.

            “Wow. I guess Seohyunnie’s intelligence is rubbing in on you. I swear I could easily picture her giving you the lecture on how to handle this maturely. I gotta say, you picked the right girl. Don’t let her slip away, Yong.”  I .
 

            “Yah. I deserve some credit!”

            “So, did you? think about all of it?”

            He scratched his head and pouted. Busted.

            “I thought about the basketball part.”
           

            I knew it. That whole confronting Ok Taehwan plot has got to come from someone smarter than he is.

            “Hahaha! I knew it! That going to his father’s house is sooo Seo Joohyun. Really, Yong. I can’t believe you’d take on her suggestion at once. I bet if it was any other girl, me and Baby Jung included, you would just laugh at it. Eyyy…you’re taking this soulmate thing to a whole new level! I knew it! Yongseo is real! Kyaaa!”

            “Aish. I guess you don’t need me to comfort you anymore seeing you revert back to this whole shipper mode.”

            “See! You didn’t even deny it! hahaha!”

            “Yah! Jung Sooyeon! Aish. Fine. I’m off to my room to sleep.”

            He sulked as he walked towards the door, bringing the dishes with him, but before he left, he turned back once more and told me,

            “You’re worth more than just a bet, my dear noona. One day, you’re going to find a man who’d bet his everything just to win your heart, not because he wants you as a trophy, but because he wants to be the man who’d love and cherish you for the rest of your life. Until then, please be wary of jerks, ok? You can’t expect every boy to pull a Jay Park. Goodnight, noona. Oh and don’t forget to brush your teeth! Goodnight again.”
 

            Aish. This Jung Yong. He’s making me cry again. This is what you get for having such a hopeless romantic pabo as your twin brother. No matter how childish and immature he is, he can still melt your heart with the most sincere and kindest words. I was wiping my tears when I heard someone sneak in my room.

            “Unnie. Can I sleep with you tonight? Don’t refuse me, please. I know what happened.”

            I raised my brow. How did my baby sister find out about this?! I don’t want her to grow up with a twisted view on love and relationships (like the one I’m starting to harbor now). She’s only 11!

            “The internet. It’s all over the SNS.”

            I sighed as I called her to come over. She scooted in the bed right next to me. I turned off the lamp and just before I closed my eyes, I felt her arms wrap around me as she said,

            “Unnie, he doesn’t deserve you. You’re the best unnie in the world and any boy who fails to see how you are such a beautiful person inside out is a pabo. I’m so glad you broke up with him before he gets a chance to hurt you even more. Don’t cry, unnie, please? Whenever you feel sad about what happened, always remember that appa, umma, oppa, and I, love you very much. Goodnight.”
           

            Tell me. How can a girl not cry after hearing that from an 11 year old? I don’t have to waste my time moping around for some loser. There are people who love me and I know that Jung Yong is right. I will meet a guy who’d bet his all on me, and until such time, maybe I should heed his advice and guard my heart.

            I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. It’ll take some time (but not that long, because as I said, he’s not worth it) for me to heal emotionally. So this is what a heartbreak feels like. HELL with a capital H. No, scratch, that. Capital everything. With Jay, I never experienced such pain and betrayal. Now that I did, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.

2007

The High School Sweetheart

            It was senior year when I decided to give love another chance. The ‘chance’ came in the form of a guy named Kwon Jiyong. He’s the one who helped me move on from my skepticism. Ok, so maybe our relationship didn’t exactly start off that well. In fact, the reason we started dating was to raise our ‘popularity’ and seal our reputation as the top in the hierarchy (granted, we shared the crown with our friends too but you get the point). Our relationship was like an “in your face” to our exes, Ok Taecyeon and Hyuna. It’s a bit disgusting to think about the couple swap but hey, Jiyong is a decent guy and I’d rather have him than gym freak.

            Jiyong and I share the same story. He just walked over to our table during lunch time and confidently said,

            “I just got dumped by Hyuna for that ex of yours. Same thing. A bet. I can’t believe I failed to see that she was just using me. You know, I think you and I should date. Just to raise our popularities in those stupid internet polls about campus couples and as a form of revenge to those scums.”

            I didn’t bat an eyelash as I answered him.

            “Sure. I think that’s not such a bad idea. Nice to meet you, boyfriend.”

            “Nice to meet you too, girlfriend. Even if, technically, we’ve known each other since freshman year.”

            I got scolded by our friends (most especially Yongseo couple who took it as their responsibility to act as overbearing parents and for some unknown reasons, Jungshin chingu) but I reasoned out that I’d rather date a guy who is honest and upfront about his intentions than someone who pretends to love me just to get a new car.

            Regardless of how our relationship started, things went well between us. We were never really into the whole romance. I think we were better off as good friends than lovers. Even with the faint chemistry (there are those rare days he and I would find ourselves smiling at each other for no reason), he has done nothing but to shower me with the attention and respect I deserve. He reminded me a lot of Jay – minus the b-boying image of course, and I think that’s one of the reasons our relationship lasted longer than any of us expected.

            He was an almost perfect boyfriend. He’d pick me up from school when I needed a ride, he’d accompany me whenever I shop, we would even get our nails done at the same time, he’d wait for me as I got my hair done (because he’s also having his own being pampered), he’d text me every day just to ask how I’m doing, he’d hold my hand and never fail to make me feel special regardless of his hoarding and absolutely annoying fangirls (he just debuted in a boy group called Big Bang), send me cute love notes in between classes and some on my locker, chocolates, flowers, and everything else that helped me move on from my heartache.

He could’ve been the high school sweetheart I thought I’d marry if not for one flaw: there is no strong love between the two of us. Yes, we care for each other, but I think our feelings border more on the platonic side, than the romantic one. Like I said, he was an almost perfect boyfriend. ALMOST.

            Regardless of that, I’m thankful that he helped me get past my heartache and became the high school boyfriend I’ve dreamed of. We ended up the day after prom (after winning the Prom King and Queen title of course) and all was well. There was never bad blood between us. I know that even if I lost a boyfriend, I gained myself a lifelong friend. For me, that was good enough of an exchange.

2009

Oppa Nappa

            I never dated someone older. It’s always someone of the same age. However, I decided to break that stigma and give this guy a chance. His name is Lee Dongwook. I’m a college sophomore and he’s an accountant. We met when he visited our campus to give some inspirational speech.

            I’m 20. He’s 30. I guess I should’ve taken our 10 year as a sign that this relationship has been doomed from the start. I should’ve listened when others (aka my beloved siblings and friends) warned me that he is up to no good. However, I took all those cautions in stride. I let myself get carried away with these feelings and that stupid idea that every other girl on campus envies me for ‘snagging’ a very reliable, good-looking, and romantic oppa.

            He was different from all the guys I’ve dated. Whereas Jay and Jiyong were cautious, sweet, and considerate, while Taecyeon was a hopeless romantic slash douchebag in disguise, Dongwook oppa was adventurous and carefree. Adventurous in the sense that he encouraged me to do things I normally wouldn’t (nothing that compromised my purity of course; I’m not that dumb to give myself away outside of marria