Code Name: Burning, that’s me. CNBLUE’s lead guitarist and second vocalist, Lee Jonghyun. People were so focused on Yonghwa hyung that they forgot that he’s not the only one with a broken heart…

This is a story of how a boy fell in love with a girl he knew he could never have… the story of how the knight in shining armor let his princess meet her prince. The story of every second male lead who does everything and anything to win the girl but never gets her in the end…

In other words, it is MY story.

          I’ve always liked her, I don’t know how or when it happened. Unlike Yonghwa hyung, I never really tried to conceal my affection with jokes or denials. But just like him, I was never really vocal about it. By the time I was ready to speak up, it was too late. It will forever be my biggest regret not being able to at least own up to my feelings. I owe her the truth even if I knew she’d reject me.

2007

          “Jonghyun-ah!!! Kyaaa!! I finally got it!!!”

          I turned around to see what she’s so excited about. She was practically running in my direction. We share most of our classes, and right now, it was free period.

          “It’s here! It’s finally heeereee!” she waved the album in front of me, her happiness making her glow. It’s like a child finally got her Christmas wish from Santa.

          “I can see that. So, do you want us to listen to the songs together? I think I’ve got my cd player and earphones in here somewhere. Where is it? ah! Here you go.”

          I watched as she meticulously unwrapped the packaging, and placed the cd with utmost care. To be honest, I don’t like listening to ballads (I’m more of an alternative rock, metal, and punk kind of guy) but I flash her my most convincing smile to somehow convey my “excitement.” Anything to make her happy.

          We each shared an earphone and sat on the grass overlooking the pond. This scene could’ve easily been in one of those teen dramas she and her sisters (minus their youngest, much to hyung’s dismay) are so obsessed with. We could’ve played the part of the sweet high school couple. Everything about this moment is almost picture perfect. She’s sitting beside me, singing along as the album plays the sappiest ballads. She doesn’t notice me staring at her the whole time. She smiles and I smile, but there’s a difference – hers is born out of those fluttery feelings, while mine is of a bittersweet descent. I toyed around with the photo book included and looked at the guy who stole the girl away from me without even trying.

          What does she see in him anyway? His dimples? His charming personality? His good boy image? I also have dimples. I can be charming when I want to. I don’t really carry the “bad boy” tag around. I can also sing. What does he have that I don’t?! As she belts out the lyrics to his lead single, I realize the answer that has been obvious all along…HER HEART.

2008

Senior Prom

"Stop chewing your fingernails, Jonghyun-ah. Where's your manly pride??" (Yonghwa)

I can't help it. I was nervous. Do I look okay? Is my hair properly styled? Did I use too much perfume or should I spray more? What if she changed the color of her dress and the corsage I bought won't match?

"For the last time, Lee Jonghyun!!! Stop pacing back and forth! You look fine. Act as the cool guy. The girls are coming down soon."

I wiped my forehead and tried to be as calm as possible. That was when she descended from the stairs. I swear I could hear violin strings and that sappy background music as she made her way down, one step at a time. If I tried hard enough I know I could picture this moment with all the flowers, entourage, and scented candles. So it's true. There are definitely those moments that leave you breathless, and this tops my list.

"So...? What do you think?"

Gorgeous. Beautiful. Magnificent. Goddess. Perfect. But none of those managed to make it out of my mouth. The sight of her leaves me tongue tied.

She waved her hand in front of my face but I was still stuck in a daze.

"Yah, Lee Jonghyun! Do you plan on becoming a statue?! If you don't hand over that corsage to me you're going to the prom alone!"

That woke me up. I fumbled with the corsage as I clumsily placed it on her wrist. I dropped it a few times because my hands were still shaking.

"Are you ok? You've been acting weird. Did you catch the flu or something?"

She lowered her eyes to my gaze and touched my forehead with the back of her hand. I felt electricity burn through me. I quickly jerked her hand away, which took her by surprise.

"I..uh... I'm fine. Just the coffee.. Yep..drank too much coffee.."

I stammered with a lame excuse. She looked at me suspiciously and I knew she wasn't buying it. I tried to send some message to hyung to help me out of this situation but he was busy gaping at his own lady love.

"Whatever you say. So, did you guys hire a limo?"

"Yeah. We will pick up Hyoyeon and Taeyeon on the way. They're probably with their dates now. I just received a text from them. So, shall we?"

I offered up my arm for her to link on but asked,

"What about Yong and Seo? Aren't they coming with us?"

"No. Yonghwa hyung hired a vintage car as their ride. He says it's too stuffy and crowded in the limo. He just won't admit that he wants Seohyun for himself. Haha!"

We turned around towards the direction of said couple who both are staring awkwardly at each other. They didn't even notice when we bid them goodbye.

"Aigoo, those two..when will they realize the obvious?! I want to bump their heads together to knock some sense! Haha!"

Her laughter was music to my ears. She linked her arm in mine as I led her to the limousine. Throughout the ride I kept asking in my mind,

"What about you? When will you finally notice me?"

Pre-Finals

"Hey! I got my acceptance letters already! Yes! How about you? Which university did you apply for again?”

"I didn't."

My jaw dropped. Is she for real??

"What?!"

"Why are you so shocked? I thought I mentioned this before?"

"I thought you were joking."

"Hahaha! You're so cute Jonghyun-ah. Why would you think I was kidding? I told you. Yuri unnie and I didn't apply. We're going to make our debuts right after the GA. No use trying to juggle college and our career. I want to focus on only one."

"What about your parents?! Didn't they get mad?!"

"No. They were pretty chill about it. They're giving me their 100% support. Isn't it amazing? I think they always knew that I was never into the college thing. Besides, they have my unnie, oppa, and dongsaeng to carry on the family tradition of being a doctor or whatever. You're the only one who's freaking out btw."

She is serious about this. I can't believe it. Is she doing this for him? To run around in the same social circle?

"Are you doing this because of him?" I asked her, my voice devoid of accusation but deep inside, I could feel my anger and jealousy in a heated battle.

"Yes & No. I've always wanted this anyway. Being in the same industry as him is just an added bonus. Haha! Enough about me. So, where did you get accepted?"

She smiled at me. Her excitement and genuine concern over my college dream quickly dissipated my growing anger. Once again, I was lost. I looked at her and said,

"Daehan University, Hanjung Men's University, and Seoul National University. All in their undergrad finance programs." I didn't tell her that I also got accepted into schools abroad. That wasn't important. I only applied for fun anyway. My parents were delighted and tried to convince me to go. They did give up trying though as they figured out there’s no way they could change my mind. I always knew I'd study here.

"Wow!!!! You got into all the colleges you applied for! I'm sooooo proud of you Jonghyunnie!!!"

I smiled shyly and scratched the back of my head. I knew she was being genuine. I was startled when she hugged me as she said her congratulations. I wish we could stay in this moment forever. She pulled away even before I could do anything.

"Have you decided where to go?"

I nodded.

"Which one?"

"I'm not telling!"

"Yah!"

"Maybe I'll consider telling you if you could give me a kiss." I teased as I pointed to my left cheek.

That earned me a playful hit on the shoulder.

"You've been hanging around Jung Yonghwa too much! Aish. Fine. If you don't want to tell me then don't! Hmp" She huffed, pouted, and turned her back on me. I ran after her and turned her around to face me.

"Daehan. I'm going to Daehan University."

That was the only thing I said. She smiled at me, her eyes full of joy and pride. I smiled back. Right at this moment, at least I could say, her smile was meant for me.

GA 2008

"Jonghyun!!! Have you seen uri maknae?! We heard she didn't show up for the auditions!!!"

It became a huge issue when the most talked about apprentice failed to show up in her first official audition. In return, Yonghwa hyung did the same thing. The entire senior class was in chaos. Tiffany organized an urgent meeting. She informed that the rest of the class was free to remain in the competition but all members of Girls’ Generation were dropping out. Yonghwa hyung, Lee Joon and I made the same decision to back out.

“What are you going to do now? I thought your plan was to debut first as a member of SNSD and then pursue an acting career?”

It’s been 2 months since the incident happened and everyone else pursued a path far from our original plans.

“I’m still going to debut as an actress. I’ve signed up with an agency already, SM C&C? One of the subsidiaries of SM Entertainment, a business partner of SJYNC Ent. Yuri unnie and I will work on our debut projects soon. What about you?”

“I’m going to college as planned. Are you excited about becoming an actress?”

“Yeah! I already got a casting offer, it’s for a daily drama called You Are My Destiny. Make sure to watch it Jonghyunnie!!”

“Of course I will. I’ll be your biggest fan and critic! Haha!”

“You’re dead if you miss even one episode!”

You Are My Destiny. I felt like the entire universe was mocking me. How can the very words I wish to tell her become her debut drama’s title?

2009

 Nation’s Ideal Girl

          Her rise to fame was rapid. Her daily drama hit the 40% mark in no time. She is now the nation’s ideal girl. Even the guy she pines over has mentioned her as his ideal type countless times. It won’t be long enough before they cross paths and everything she ever hoped for will set in motion.

          I bowed at the staff, greeted the director and writer, as I handed them warm drinks. They thanked me and just pointed to where she was staying at. I’ve become a regular guest in their filming site. At first they thought I was nothing more than a college fanboy but thankfully, she stepped up and introduced me as one of her best friends in high school. There it was. The inevitable friend zone.

          I watched silently as she finished filming her scene. When she was alone in the dressing room, I sneaked up behind her.

          “BOOOO!!!”

          “Ahhhh!!!!! Yah! Lee Jonghyun! How could you do that?! I thought I was going to have a heart attack!”

          “You were going to sleep any time soon. hahaha! Here. I brought this for you. I already gave some to the staff.”
         

          “You’re the best Jonghyunnie! If you keep doing this I might actually fall for you! haha!”

          “So why don’t you?” I asked her with a teasing tone in an attempt to mask my sudden boldness.

          “Why don’t I what?”

          “Fall for me? I’d do this every day if that’s what it takes. Some of your fans already think I’m your boyfriend anyway. Speaking of, one of them scratched my car. You have to pay for that by the way!” I said this as if it was a joke but deep inside, I hope she’d see past that and maybe, just maybe, say yes. My heart was beating fast.

          She was silent for a few seconds before breaking out into laughter.

          “Yah, Lee Jonghyun, do you still have a crush on me? I told you to get over it! I am meant to be with one LEE only, and that is Seunggi oppa! Haha!”

          Wait..she knew I liked her?!

          “Why are you so shocked? I’m not dense.”

          “I…uh….I…”

          “Relax. I’m not pressuring you to confess or anything. Just like I told you before, please don’t nurture this crush of yours. I don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage of your feelings. I really like you, Jonghyun-ah. But as a friend. I hope you could understand that.”

          She never took advantage of anything. I was the one who kept pushing my luck. I understood everything she said right from the start but I was still hoping that someday, somehow, I’d finally get that chance to be more than a friend to her.

          “Yah, Lee Jonghyun. Are you ok? I’m sorry. Did I say something to offend you? I’m sorry about the car. I’ll pay for it!”

          “You don’t have to. I’ve got it covered by insurance anyway.” Or, I broke half of my savings just to get the “scratch” fixed. But she doesn’t need to know that. Nice guys don’t let girls pay for anything.

          “Are you sure? Yah, you’re making me feel guilty. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to laugh at you or anything! I thought you were joking. I’m so sorry!”

          The last thing I want is to burden her with my one-sided feelings, so in order to break the tension, I shifted the topic.

          “If you feel guilty then treat me to dinner!”

          “Arasso. That’s the least I could do for all the support you have given me. I’ll just say goodbye to the staff and we can leave. Will you wait for me at the parking lot?”

          “Really?! I’m so honored! The nation’s ideal girl is having dinner with me!!! Hahaha!”  I thought she’d pass up on my suggestion but I was beyond overjoyed when she agreed to it.

          “Knock it off Jonghyunnie. The last thing I want is to have my best guy friend acting like some uncontrollable fanboy.”

          I ruffled her hair and smiled.

          “I’ll wait for you here. I’d rather accompany you to my car than risk some sasaeng pouncing on you along the way. Our friends, especially your sisters, will murder me if I let that happen.”

          “You’re so sweet, Jong! Ok, tbanks, I’ll make this quick!”

          I watched as she bid farewell to the staff and her seniors.

          “So, shall we?”

          I smiled, nodded, and offered up my arm. She didn’t think twice as she linked her arms with me while we made our way to the parking lot. I opened the door for her before climbing in to the driver’s seat.

          This is what I imagined for us – me picking her up after a day’s work, opening the car door for her, and then we’d head over to our favorite restaurant for dinner. If only this dream could’ve been our reality…

          For now, I have to resign to the fact that I am lucky enough to have a “date” with the nation’s ideal girl, even if I’m the only one who knows that.

2010

Strong Heart

          “Waaahh! Yoona noona must’ve loved that episode so much! How long has she dreamed of this anyway? Hahaha!” (Jungshin)