SHINHYE

I lay awake on my bed before the sun had taken its place in the sky, shifting my gaze from the digital clock that hasn’t changed time that much and the ceiling of the room that I’ve been sharing with my twin sister since forever. I’ve been like that for weeks – deprived of sleep and mentally exhausted. There were just too many things to think about that my waking hours aren’t enough for them and the irony was that, at my age, I shouldn’t be thinking about them. I should be lazing around, asleep at this time of the day, just like any other teenager, but I wasn’t. I didn’t have the luxury to do that and that’s just how it was. My eyes were wide open and to make things worse, my mind was running at full capacity despite my lack of sleep.

On the contrary, Jinhae, my sister was sleeping soundly on the bed opposite mine. I was glad about that. She needn’t be troubled by the thoughts that had been pestering my mind lately. I didn’t really know how she would handle such burdening things and I don’t think I would like to find out how she would react to them either. I’m just scared of what our situation might do to her. She was aware about the generalities of it, but I don’t think she has any idea what was about to befall us. I honestly didn’t have any clue as to what I should do next. It’s unsettling.

We’ve too many problems. I’m aware of every one of them. That explains why I couldn’t sleep at all. My sister and I were broke in every sense of the word that we couldn’t even afford to pay for the rent of our one-room apartment anymore. We don’t even have the money to buy groceries and our kitchen stock is only enough to last us a week. We’ve already divided the money we have left so we could at least make it last until we get jobs. We have considered quitting school, but after I found out that all of our accounts were settled, I’ve decided that we should just stay and finish since it was our last year in high school anyway. That had been solved, but our problem is about allowance and we haven’t found any jobs just yet. We’ve had to halt our extra lessons after school like our language tutorials, my kendo practice, Jinhae’s dance lessons, because we couldn’t afford the fees anymore. Our tutors, since we were good students, according to them, offered to give us lessons for free, but that would be taking too much from them.

That’s not the end of it for me and my sister. Two weeks ago, while I was home alone, the landlady came by, asking for the rent. Because we haven’t found jobs, we didn’t have the money for the rent and the landlady issued an ultimatum that we would have to leave the house in two weeks. Well, she understands our current situation, but we also have to understand that she makes a living out of the property and we weren’t helping her that much. The day has finally come and I wasn’t able to make any solutions for it. Damn it, we were practically homeless, I felt like crying already.

Everything started going downhill exactly a month ago. Our father died, so basically, we’re still on the phase of mourning. After his burial, we were left with nothing but a pair of silver necklaces with a dragon pendant wrapped around a clear crystal. His death wish was for us to take good care of them and never to take them off for whatever reason. It’s not that I was expecting any legacy from him since we’ve never been rich, but we’ve always been stable. We’ve never been this down financially, but I guess it changes with the passing of our only resource and parent – Father.  

The practical thing to do was to sell the necklaces, but aside from being utterly unethical of us, we would be tainting the memory of our father by disobeying his final wish. It’s just too hard to think straight after all that we’ve been experiencing. It would have been easier if it was only me, but I still have Jinhae to think about. I just knew she couldn’t take such heartaches. I felt for her.

Every night, since our father’s passing, I would find her crying herself to sleep. She had always been a crybaby, but still, I hated seeing her miserable. I was feeling miserable as well, but I was never really the expressive type. I’ve cried for the first two nights, noticing the emptiness, but after that, I saw no sense in it. I was still alive and so was my sister so we had to move on. Besides, I still have to act like the older twin so she would at least have someone to lean on to. It’s getting harder for me as well, but I can’t do anything about it. I just have to swallow everything, keep myself preoccupied so I wouldn’t break down.

However, this was my limit. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to disintegrate into dust and disappear forever. Jinhae was all I had. We have no known relatives and we’re totally orphaned as our mother died after giving birth to us. At least that’s what we’ve been told. We’ve no one to turn to but each other.

I turned to my side, facing my sister’s bed. Even in her sleep, she wasn’t at peace. Her eyes were puffy due to too much crying. The unwanted tears finally came rolling down my cheeks and I couldn’t help but wonder why we had to suffer like we did. Father, why did you have to leave us this early? I couldn’t carry on like this. Seeing my twin sad all the time has taken its toll on me. It’s the least thing I wanted. I can’t even think straight anymore. I’m just a teenager who has yet a lot to learn. I didn’t want to feel the way I did anymore. It’s just too much.

“Shin?” Jinhae said sleepily, breaking the silence.

“Yes?” I answered, trying to hide the fact that I was crying.

She sat up and peered at me through the semi darkness. “Why are you awake? I’ll cook breakfast today, right? You were up late last night so go back to sleep, okay?” she said.

My sister was just too sweet for words. I sniffed. “I can’t