''When will I get to meet your boyfriend?''

I look at my father. We were taking an early morning walk around the hospital park. I had come way earlier than I usually do as I still had somewhere else to go before the day really begins. ''You want to meet him?''

''Of course. I should at least do my fatherly duties in the end. But since you chose him, I'm sure he is a lovely man.''

I smile. Jungkook really is. ''Mhm, Jungkook-Oppa is a bit busy at the moment but maybe later he will find some time.''

''As long as he has time for you.'' His words touch upon a sensitive subject. Even though my father was away almost all my life, he is able to see right through me. ''He does, right?''

A little bit defensive, I open my mouth to respond when I see someone familiar walking through the main hospital entrance. Hyunsik-nim. What is he doing here?

''Appa?'' I begin instead. ''You used to be good friends with Hyunsik-nim, right?''
My father stiffens suddenly and I stop, thinking he isn't feeling well. ''Why? Is it too tiring? Shall we go back up?''

''No, no, I'm fine. You just surprised me.'' He looks distressed. ''Why do you suddenly ask about him?''

''No, its just... I saw him again a while back.'' I glance at the hospital entrance again. ''I was wondering if you knew where he moved to.''

''No,'' my father's voice surprises me. It's curt and cold. ''We never kept in contact.''

I nod my head slowly, pursing my lips. Maybe Hyunsik-nim was more a friend of my mother's than my father's.

~ ~ ~

"Have I become that boring?"

I snap back out of my thoughts and focus on my brother sitting in front of me in the visiting room. "Ah, no, sorry."

"You seem distracted, is something wrong?"

For the last 30 minutes, I've been trying to find a good way to start explaining the situation with our father. He would have his vacation soon anyway but I didn't want to keep it away from him any longer. He should know.

"Don't get angry, please." I take a deep breath and press my hands together. "I-I... Appa, he..."

"'Appa'?" My brother stands up without me even having to say anymore. "What did he do? I warned him to stay away from you."

"Wait, hear me out and please sit down. Everyone is looking." I wait until he has sat down to continue. "He has lung cancer."

"So?" I am so shocked to hear the heartlessness is his voice. I had noticed how he's been very stressed lately and how he had become more distant but never towards me. ''Doesn't he deserve it?''

Tears burn the back of my eyes at his gruesome and harsh words. "He had surgery a week ago."

"And judging by your expression, you have been taking care of him." He runs a hand down his face. "What were you thinking?"

"You wouldn't have done it?" My voice is small, throat feeling tight. Maybe it's because the last few days I got closer with my father but my brother's cruelty shocked me to the core. How could his view be so different compared to mine? "He is the only family we have left."

"He was the one that left first." My brother looks at me with so much disappointed, I have to look away.

"I don't regret it." Not now that I feel like things are normal again. I have a parent now. "I-I know you hate him but to not save him or help him being his daughter was not an option."
As much as I wish I had the determination to keep hating my father for not being there when we needed him the most, my heart would have never let me.

"You worry me." I glance up at my brother. It feels like another stab right into my heart. "I never thought that your judgment was so poor. It would have been better if you stayed in Japan."

Ending it with those words, he stands up and leaves without even a second glance. A tear drops and I sit there not believing that this just happened. I haven't fought with him in years. His eyes were so cold when he turned around. I didn't want to think about it but his eyes were filled with distaste towards me.

And just like that I feel like the loneliest person again. Nothing is ever normal in my life.

~ ~ ~
Even though I hadn't planned on coming back to hospital, after leaving the compound, I had sat in my car for several minutes just processing what had just happened. I had failed at reconciling my family and instead made my brother hate me. The look in his eyes... It was so heartless.

I had started up the car and returned to the hospital. I needed to see my father to remind myself that I'm doing the right thing.

"________-ie," I look up from my hands. I had been staring at them like a daze. "Look what the child next door drew for me."

My father opens the bedside table and takes out a paper full of colorful doodles. "The child next door?"
I smile seeing the tree, house and birds, similar to what every child used to draw. "Is that his father and mother?"

"He drew me and you." My eyes land on him, surprised. "I talked about you, so I guess he wanted to draw you, too."

"It's pretty." Something makes me feel melancholy. My heart still feels heavy. "I'll find some time to draw you something, too."

"Aih," he waves it away. "As long as I get to see your face, I'm happy."

As I look at him, seeing the honesty in his eyes despite the circumstances, tears begin to well up in my own. "I'm sorry, Appa."

He sits up slowly. "Why are you apologizing suddenly? Why are you crying?" I don't want to tell him in fear it will affect his health so I shake my head. ''Is it your boyfriend?''
I shake my head again. ''Work?'' When I don't give a reaction he still moves on. ''Your brother?''

I start to sob when I remember the last look my brother had given me.

"I'm sorry, ________." He says without me having to explain. "It's always because of me."

"No, Appa, he is just stuck with the same memory as I was." I wipe my tears away. ''If only he wasn't so stubborn.''

"Please, don't be angry at your brother, you two have to stay strong as siblings. You only have each other left."

The tears that I had just wiped away are replaced with new ones. "Appa, don't say that..."

"That's the course of life, but thanks to that at least I got to spend some time with you before I leave." He smooths a hand down my hair. "I'm happy."

Closing my eyes, I urge myself to in the waves of sobs. My father shouldn't have to deal with my emotional self.
"That's a relief." I take a deep shaky breath and try to smile. "Thank you for letting me see you after I treated you so coldly."

"Aigoo, there is no thank you between a daughter and a father." His smile lines deepen. "Let's be happy together from now on."

Unfortunately, I have experienced first hand that happiness has a way of leaving people too soon.

~ ~ ~

After some business calls, I make my way back to my father's room and click on the link that Soojung had sent me. I frown at the headline. The tabloids really have nothing better to do. Don't they realize that this could ruin their friendship and possibly their career? I knew that it hits the female idols harder than the male idols. Don't they care at all?

With my frown never leaving my face, I slip my phone back into my pocket and am about to slide the door open to my father's room when I see that someone was already in there.
I smile, seeing the familiar back through the little gap but halt when I hear their conversation.

"—Wife wasn't enough, now you also want to get my daughter on your side?" My heart stills at my father's pained voice. "I don't know why you still had to come. I already told you the last time that I didn't want to ever see you again. I might die soon but the things you did will never be forgiven."

"Don't be like that, it's because I know you don't have long that I came to apologize. I want to make things right again. I have been feeling guilty all this time, Friend." Apologize for what? Guilty, why?

"That friend died to me the moment I found out he had an affair with my wife." My world breaks apart as his words reach my ears.

"Please, it's been years..."

"No, please, I beg you, leave before ________ comes back," my father clutches his stomach, I straighten up alarmed. "She shouldn't get hurt anymore."
My father winces, I push the door aside and rush to him. Both of their heads turn to me like deer caught is headlight.

"________?"

I focus on my mentor, someone who I thought I could trust. "Please, stop here. My father can't take this right now. Instead discuss this with me outside." I sound hesitant and on the verge of breaking apart to my own ears.

''Don't do it. Don't tell her.'' My eyes cut to my father as he pleads Hyunsik.

''I have to. I should have done it sooner. Your children hate you because of me.'' With that Hyunsik walks out and closes the door behind him.

I take a deep breath, swallow down the nausea and turn to my father. ''Are you ok? Do you need me to call the doctor?''
He shakes his head but calls my name. ''Don't do this, you don't need to know.''

''But I already heard, Appa.'' I say, my voice cracking. ''Now, I just need to hear it all.'' I didn't want my father to tell me even if he would. It would affect him negatively in an emotional way and that's the last thing he needs right now.
He shakes his head but I just hold his hand. ''I'll be right back, Appa.''

Turning my back to him, I gather all the strength in me for I will now have to face the ugly truth that I had been blissfully oblivious to.

Hyunsik is waiting outside with his arms crossed worriedly. The one person who had been a father figure, looks at me. It makes me despise myself for thinking of someone as family who might have been the reason for my own father's solitary in the first place. ''Voice bulb.''

I close my eyes at the familiarity. But this time, it hurts to hear it. I start walking further away, so there is absolutely no chance of my father hearing. My heart throbs painfully in my chest.

''________-ah, I'm sor—''

I cut him off, turning around, appearing stronger than I felt on the inside. ''You had an affair with my mother?'' He just looks at me. ''Did you or did you not?''

He drops his head. ''I did, I had an affair with your mother.''

Bile rises again and I start to feel lightheaded. But I fight it back. I have to hear everything. ''When did it start? I assume it was the reason my father left us.''

He takes his time in answering. ''It... it started around the time when you were five.'' My brows pull together. That age again. ''Your mother had a hard time dealing with your father's moodswings and that's when you got hurt, too.'' I close my eyes, my heart squeezing tight. ''I gave her comfort when she couldn't get it anywhere else.''

Comfort. I feel by stomach churning at the possibilities of what comfort could mean. I was wrong, I'm not strong. I wanted to cover my ears and protest like a little girl. But I'm not a little girl anymore and I've done this before. I've heard this before. I can do this.

''Your father found out not long after but we didn't know that.'' I hated how 'we' consisted of my mother and Hyunsik when it should have been my father. ''He stayed even though he knew. He wanted to see you get into elementary school and your brother into middle school, that's what your mother once told me after he left.''

My mother. I bite down on my lip and look away. My eyes burn. My father knew but he stayed for us.

''When did you realize that my father knew about your affair?'' I say hoarsely and Hyunsik looks at me but I warn him with my eyes not to show any kind of concern. I don't want it.

He takes a deep breath as if he was having a hard time. ''He confronted me one day and told me that our friendship was over. He never said he knew but he didn't have to. He was never seen again after that.''

My heart breaks for my father. How shattered must he have felt? To have your most loved one and best friend betray you like that, how much darkness did he have to deal with by himself?

''I broke it off with your mother a year after he left.'' He almost sounds like he is proud of that. ''I-I couldn't look into your eyes anymore after I knew I broke your family apart. Voice Bulb, I'm so sor—''

That's when I snap. ''But you were just fine looking me into my eyes when we saw each other again in the theater? One year? It took you one year after my father left to end something that should have never started in the first place?'' I know it's as much my mother's fault as it is his, too but she is dead. My mother, I will have to deal with later but now, now Hyunsik is here.
''And then like nothing happened, you never even came to visit my mother when she was ill. She was dying and you never once showed up.''

''Voice Bul—''

I interrupt him. ''Don't call me that ever again, you don't have the right to.'' I can't believe I ever gave him the right to. I can't believe that I ever gave him more love than I did to my own father.

His shoulders drop with a sigh. ''I had a family by then.''

I laugh sardonically. ''Ah, you had a family by then and couldn't even spare one day for the woman you took away from your best friend? So, she was worthy of betraying your best friend for but not enough to pay your honors to her one last time, in her deathbed?'' My father never had the chance to defend himself, but I wanted to.
''Family...'' I bite out. How ironic.

Hyunsik doesn't say any more and I start to come down from my adrenaline rush that had been blocking me emotions. I can feel them flooding me and he might be able to see it as he steps closer to touch my arm. My eyes cut to him. He stops dead in his tracks. I'm going to cry any moment now. He needs to leave.

"I'm sorry, ________."

"I don't need your apologies. I just need you to leave and never come back." Funny how these were the same words I had said to my father not long ago and now here I am defending and protecting him from someone who I thought I could trust.
''This is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter how much you want to make things right again for your conscience. It's not your call to make but my father's, so I hope you will respect him at least this once.''

How much the world can go wrong in one day never fails to amaze me.

''I'm sorry.'' I clench my fists beside me but luckily he leaves and I stare at the ground until I see him disappear from my peripheral vision.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Surprisingly, I don't actually break into tears right then. But my heart had. My world had. My believes had.

Like a zombie, I make my way back to my father's room.

My father...

I am unable to make it far because I lose strength in my legs and fall to my knees, the tears falling quietly and endlessly.

All these years, I had blamed the wrong person.
All these years, I had loved the person who ruined our family.
All these years, I had wasted my time hating the one person who had been grieving because of my mother. She lied to me. The reason was not because of debt, it was because of her unfaithfulness.

My hearts feels numb when I think of my mother. She lived on in my heart and even though we only spent a small portion of my life together, she became my inspiration. She is the one person I continuously looked up to and gained courage from. Now, that is broken. My mother.

I don't have much time left to mend all of that, to make it all better again, to make up for all the time I had wasted. Shame takes over as I remember my own actions, words and thoughts towards my father.

All thoughts fall away when a pair of arms wrap around my crumpled form. Arms that I hadn't let embrace me even though we reconciled. But now I regret everything. I clutch to my sick father as I weep.

"________, I'm here now." My dad is here now, but for how much longer?

~ ~ ~

Hiding behind my scarf, I wish I could just evaporate from the world, feeling like complete trash in the moment. But I never get what I want. I walk into the theater. At least I don't have any classes anymore.

As soon as I'm inside I already hear my name being called.
"Eonni," Soojung was rushing my way with an urgency. "Everything ok?"

"No, nothing is ok. You haven't read the article I sent you?"

I press my lips together, keeping my emotions locked away. "I have."

"Have you talked to him, then?"

"No." Jungkook hadn't called either and I'm glad he hadn't. I didn't want to have to deal with his things too.

She hesitates for a moment. "________-ah, are you ok?"

No. ''Yes'' I answer instead. "Would you excuse me? I kinda want to be alone for the rest of the day."

She pulls me in for a hug that I don't have the strength to return. Too much happened today. My brother, my mother and now the scandal.
"Call me if you need anything. I mean it, please call. I really don't think there is any truth to it."

''I don't think there is either." I agree and walk away.

But that's not the complete truth, isn't it? When I had read the title of the article for the first time in the hospital I had held no credibility to it because obviously I am the one in a relationship with Jungkook. But after the confrontation with Hyunsik and finding out the truth I was suddenly losing faith.

What if it's true? I shake my head. There is no way.

In my car, I had pulled up the same article again and read everything, with all the evidence provided, even going as far as reading the comments under it. Probably the worst thing I could have done in my emotional state.
After I had finished reading, I had closed my eyes and repeated 'Jungkook isn't like that' like a mantra in my head.

But my mother... A shudder rakes through my body. My mother 'isn't like that' too but here I was broken by her infidelity.

I sit down in my classroom. With my face in my hands, I want to bawl at the situation I was in.
The one person who I talked so highly off ends up being the one person who did the most atrocious thing you could to your significant other.
Everyone always told me how much I resembled my mother. Appearance-wise as well as personality-wise. I had been told from a young age that I'm just like her. The person who believed that the most was Hyunsik. He should know best, shouldn't he?

My mother once upon a time loved my father too and never in my wildest nightmares would I have ever thought that she would cheat on him.

What is love when it ends anyway?

I look up at the ceiling and feel like screaming.

Why am I so weak? Why am I doubting Jungkook all of a sudden? Why did this scandal have to be put out now? Why do I even have to deal with that?

Because you love him.

A voice in my head says but it's so quiet that I almost miss it.

Knock knock.

Lifting my head, I see it's Hongbin. I can't even feel annoyed at him appearing just like that. I feel empty inside. I don't greet him this time and follow him with my eyes warily as he takes a chair by the wall, sitting down in front of me.

He takes me in and I try not to glare at him. It's not his fault. "Has he called you yet?"

"Why does everyone care only about that?" I ask perplexed, slowly losing my temper. "The situation won't change only because he calls me."

"I hope he doesn't think like that, too. He should call you to make sure that you are fine."

"I am fine." Why is everyone worrying about this so much? I'm already doing too well at doubting him myself. I don't need any more reason to.

"You don't look it." I don't say anything further. "Did you read the comments?"

Keeping my mouth shut, I take an impatient breath of air. More than I would admit, they had made me feel more insecure than they should be able to.
People were supportive for the most part. Some wrote things like 'I knew it!', 'Finally!' and even added their own 'evidence' stating how they have been waiting for 'years'.

''You shouldn't have.'' I glance at Hongbin. "Netizens are viscous. Trust me, I know. I used to date an actress."

"Really?" That's the most emotion I can muster today.

"Yeah, she is older, so it was automatically frowned upon." I don't know why he was telling me this but I suddenly feel like I have someone who could at least understand me a little.

"So many years and people still feel like they have the right to meddle into other people's business."

I can feel him looking at me. "Seems like you've had some experience of your own before."

"Something like that." I sigh. Jungkook was wrong. Nothing changed. "Why do the media outlets have to be so deceiving?"

"It's because they can." The ugly truth. "It's because Jungkook-ssi and Yein-ssi are working together now and I assume are friends. Media outlets feast on these stories and try to blow things up even if it's groundless." He pauses, so I can digest, but it only made me want to throw up.
"They're successful and he is preparing for a comeback. It gets the outlets the coverage and publication that they crave for and the rival's supporters watch in joy at the affected people's demise. They love drama and sadly the fans do to."

"Looks like they love it too much." His explaining does nothing to sooth my worries. How many more media play will I have to deal with? "Hongbin-ssi, can I ask you a question about that relationship?"

"Go ahead." He looks at me attentively.

"Why.... How did it end?"

He stares into my eyes, the wheels turning in his head. "I'm going to be honest here, but that doesn't mean it will be like that for you two. You understand?"
I nod, only really caring about the reason right now. "We decided to part so as not to be in each others way. She had a movie and drama premiere right when it was announced and for me later on, the company's stocks suffered."

The rest made sense without him explaining it. They weren't able to recover from it. "I see."

"Stay strong, ________." I feel an encouraging pat on my arm. "I hope our talk helped, if you have any questions you have my number."

I try to smile but I can't manage even a fake one. "Thank you.''

He stands up and I do, too. "Have some faith in your boyfriend." I bow when he leaves.

Have faith in Jungkook.

Wasn't that exactly what my father did, too?

* * * * * *

"Visiting hours are over. You can come back tomorrow." The nurse speaking behind Jungkook startles him. He turns around. " Oh, aren't you the friend from last time?"

Jungkook had just arrived at the hospital without even knowing if she was really here. She had told him before that she goes to visit her father every night after work or at least tries to. She hadn't answered any of his calls after he was finally able to get away from the stress. He was worried. Her silence actually drove him crazy.

He glances at her slumped over form on her father's bed again. She must be asleep. He hadn't even gone in yet, only watching her for a short moment through the small window. "How long has she been here?"

"Mhm... I'm not sure. She left and came back a few times but she was here almost the whole day." The nurse frowns. "She hasn't left his side ever since she came back. I heard her sobbing. Poor thing."

Jungkook looks down. He can't even give her emotional support in times like this. What is he doing?

"Anyway, it's time for her to leave. Are you here for her?" Jungkook surprises himself by shaking his head. The nurse shakes her own head. "And she doesn't even have anyone to look after her."
With that she steps in and Jungkook quickly begins making his way back down to the ground floor. The nurse's words linger heavy in his mind.

He went to see her but now he is alone while she is probably on her way to her car, not even knowing that he had been here.
The truth is he was scared. He knew now that her previous boyfriend had been unfaithful but he didn't know the severity of it. He was scared that she wouldn't believe him. Scared that she would realize that this isn't enough. Scared that she would realize that she deserved better.

The ringing of his phone returns him back to the cold present night. He realizes he had walked out to the park he had confessed at.

Jungkook takes his phone out to see that it's her calling. "Hello?"

There is a slight hesitation before she responds. "Oppa, you called?"

"Yeah." He opens his mouth as if he knew what his next words were going to be but he really doesn't.

"Are you at the company?" She asks him this all the time. It's like default now.

"No," Jungkook looks up at the tall building. "I'm at the hospital."

"What?" Even though he hasn't meant to, her shock relieved him somehow. It's the most reaction he got from her today. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened.'' Jungkook looks down at his shows. ''I'm downstairs, at the park."

Silence again. "You mean here?"

"Eoh, I saw you with your father earlier, but I didn't want to interrupt your time together." Would she mind him being here without asking first?

"Ah," again that unnerving silence. "I'll be there in a bit."

"If you're too tired, you don't have to." But truth be told he really wanted to see her to make sure she is fine.

"No, it's ok. Since you came all the way." Why does her voice sound to reserved? Like this is really the only reason. Maybe this had affected their relationship more than he thought. He is used to rumors being spread about him. She isn't.
"I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Ok." They hang up and the dreadful feeling never leaves him not even when he sees her stepping out of the entrance a while later, glancing around.
As soon as her eyes land on him, her step falters ever so slightly. Maybe him wearing all black with a mask wasn't the most appealing at night.

She crosses the halting area and puts her hands into her pockets as she looks up into his eyes. They portrayed her uncertainty. Do his, too? Because that's how he felt right now.
"And again I can't see your handsome face." With a faint smile, she tries to joke but he knows how much she actually disliked him wearing a mask. It's not the action of wearing it but the reason behind it.

Jungkook reaches up to take it off.

"No, don't." She looks around warily. "I was just joking, I know why you have to wear it."

That makes it even worse. Her knowing that she has to hide for him made him feel guilty.

What must she feel when she sees other couples openly holding hands or openly showing their affection? What does she think when she compares it to them?

"I'm sorry." He takes off the mask and stuffs it into his pocket. When he steps closer, he can tell that she was anxious to see what he would do next.

"Why are you apologizing?" Her eyes are wide and she sounds alert.

"Because I should have seen this coming." He hears his own frustration. "They're only doing this because I announced the comeback and not because there is any validity to it."

"Isn't there?" It would be a lie if he said that he didn't feel hurt at the hint of doubt and wariness in her voice.

"No, there isn't." Jungkook states with resolve. "Did you think there was?"

She looks down at her feet first and the dreadful feeling returns more heavily. "To be honest, no, but then I thought that anything is possible..." She trails off as if deep in thought.

It probably wasn't intended but her words wounded him more than he himself thought possible. Maybe he deserved it. If she wanted to hurt him, doesn't that mean that she herself had been hurting already?

Jungkook puts a hand on her forearm planning to hold her hand but when her eyes land on his, he is thrown off to see almost like a plea for him not to. What had he done? "Did something happen?"

She stares into his eyes and for second he can see the devastation in hers but that's all he is able to read before she turns away. She begins walking, following the same path they had taken that night.
Jungkook follows her quietly. Something had happened.

It must be something else than his scandal. It wouldn't cause a reaction like that.
Jungkook stops that thought. Only because he is used to the media play doesn't mean that she will be able to take it the same way as him. There is no one she can turn to to ask questions. There is no team for her to get guidance from, and there is currently no one who can protect her because he couldn't even protect himself.

One incident had already caused him to be unable to keep his word.

* * * * * *

''Today,'' I begin quietly after walking in silence for a few minutes. ''My world was turned upside down.'' Such poetic words for such an inexcusable choice made by an adult.

''What is it?'' Jungkook asks softly.

''I-It's just...'' My voice cracks next so I clear my throat. I just can't tell him. ''It made me doubt everything suddenly. I'm having very dark thoughts. I might hurt the people close to me... including you.'' Mostly him.

I feel him come closer. ''You can tell me, ________. What happened? What are you doubting? ''

I turn to glance at him and I think he is shocked to see the tears in my eyes. ''If I tell you, I'm going to hurt you.''

I'm holding on, desperately clutching to my current mindset that Jungkook would never do this to me. That he is not like my mother. That he is not like my ex-boyfriend. That I myself won't be like that in the future.
But it's slipping. My faith in him and myself slipped when I saw him earlier. For one second I had felt the satisfaction upon seeing the hurt flash through his eyes. That alone made me despise myself. I didn't want to see that look in Jungkook's eyes. It's something I wanted my ex-boyfriend to feel. I had merged past with present.

What is wrong with me? He doesn't deserve this.

I look up at the sky. Just a few weeks ago, Jungkook and I had stood under the same spot, talking to a star that is my mother. That same night, I had treated my father so ruthlessly. How clueless I had been.
I was faced with the truth today. It's in my hands to decide how much it's going to change me. How much I'll allow it to change me.

''Do you remember?'' I face Jungkook. ''A few weeks ago when you greeted my mother as her future son-in-law?''

He nods slowly and watches me. He looks so sorrowful all just because of me. If I look at him any longer, I will cry. I lower my eyes and focus on his Adam's apple instead.

''Remember when you said that I'm beautiful outside as well as inside?'' He nods again. I take a shaky breath. ''I don't feel very beautiful on the inside right now, Oppa. I'm having ugly thoughts, have been the whole day and it's not fair to you.''

''________-ie.'' My lips begin to tremble. ''What happened?''

I close my eyes and shake my head. ''You told my mother that if I ever need to act selfish that you would still stay by my side.'' Gathering all my courage, I look into his eyes. ''I need to be selfish right now. I need some time to think and arrange my thoughts. Only then can I be the person that you deserve. I'm not saying that I expect you to stay with me through this time—''

''I told you I will stay with you forever.'' Jungkook frowns.

''Is there really a forever in love?'' I say before I think.

''You don't think my love for you could last?'' The pain and betrayal in his voice hits me right in the gut. It wakes me up if only a little bit but it's enough to see what I'm doing to him emotionally.

I meet his eyes heads on. ''I told you I would only hurt you.''

Just as I try to turn away, Jungkook catches my arm, stepping in front of you. ''What did you mean, you need time?''

I swallow at his deep frown. ''I need time to fix the mess in my head. Since you will be busy and I'll be going on the business trip soon... I think it's good if I take that opportunity to clear my head.''

I needed time to digest and organize my irrational thoughts. Differentiate between truths and lies.

Jungkook looks at me, mouth ajar in shock. ''What are you saying? Are you leaving me?''

''No.'' I say the loudest I've been able to say anything today. ''No, I don't know about you but... I-I think we shouldn't see each other for a while.''

At that Jungkook's eyes fire up with emotion and bewilderment. ''Why can't you just tell me what happened?''

I'm surprised to realize that I'm not telling him because I'm ashamed. The person that I loved the most is actually the one that I shouldn't be loving.

When I just stay rooted to the spot without saying anything, Jungkook takes both of my hands into his. ''Why are you always running away from me? You know you can tell me anything. You know you can trust me. Why are you pulling away from me when we're the closest we've ever been?''

For some reason, I burst, my tears fall too. ''Because I suddenly feel like I can't trust you. Suddenly I feel like I can't tell you everything, Oppa. My head knows it's not your fault, I know it's not you but my heart can't see that. I don't want to put you through that because I know how it feels to be manipulated like that. I know I'm going to put a strain in our relationship if I don't fix myself first, I just—'' I break off when I see the tears in his eyes. He's crying. Jungkook is crying because of me. I made him cry.

Another heartbreaking thing I never wanted to happen.

Jungkook sniffs and pulls me into him tightly. ''I'll wait for you.'' It's like an invisible weight has been lifted off of my shoulders as his words wrap around me. ''I'll wait. So, think of yourself first and please don't hate yourself.''

My hands ball into fists against his jacket, not allowing myself to sink into his comfort too much.

He pulls away and I see that one tear had fallen. ''Understood? I will wait for you, so don't worry about me and come back to me when you're ready so we can continue our love healthily.''

My heart wavers. But I keep it in with all my might. I have to do this for myself and for him. I nod stiffly, not trusting myself to speak.

He stares into my eyes. The glistening tears feel like a punch into my stomach. ''I'm ok. You didn't hurt me.'' I peer up at him. I know I did.

Lowering my head in shame, I feel that heavy weight around my heart locking back into place.

I feel a pat on top of my head. He is still showing me affection after what I just did. ''Go home, now. It's getting late. You should rest. You've cried a lot today, haven't you?''''

I don't look at him. I don't have the courage to look at him. I just nod.

''Once you get home, drink some water and if you can, take a bath, ok?''

More tears pool. He's too good for me.

''I'm sorry.'' Is all I manage to say before I turn around and leave him standing there. Only once I'm inside the hospital behind a wall where he can't see do I let my sob out.

Jungkook is right, I'm always running away.

Come back to me so we can continue our love healthily.

I don't deserve him.



— — —
this was a heavy one, wasn't it? I feel really bad for posting this chapter after the warm and fluffy scenes from the previous one.

I posted pt.27 on Saturday and every day went by with me thinking 'I don't wanna, I don't wanna' and I actually thought about changing this so it wouldn't be so dark but then I also thought if this doesn't happen then nothing that I wrote after it will. So, yesterday I finally sat down at 9pm to edit it and I hated it. It was such a mess because I had rewritten the first draft from this point on a few weeks ago and the new version was so emotionally all over the place, I was a little bit overwhelmed...

This is where I reached my limit. My non english speaking nativeness is biting me in the . I tell you, thesaurus has been my best friend hahah since I don't use English on a daily I can't come up with words even though I know they exist because I use them so rarely.... so I have to search them up and it takes so much time oh my god orz.

I meant to post this last night but I finished at 5am looooool so I was like naw I better reread this again the next day to make sure everything makes sense but at this point I've changed things so many times (I have three different versions of this chapter in my head) they might not be cohesive anymore orz but I really hope I was able to convey a little bit of the emotions the way I imagined in my head.

This one and the break up from For You were the hardest to write *sigh* I know this isn't perfect but... I tried my best.

.....I really wanna fangirl righ now but it doesn't really fit the mood does it.... I'm just going to ramble real quick: omg jungkook's self edited video for yoongi made me laugh bc its so dorky but then I became emo when I read the subs and then I saw his huge military backpack and wow he really went to see army huh....🙊 also bts became million sellers with wings series wohooo and broke their own record!!!! anything else, anything else? eeeeeh, oh yeah the last bts run... I think our nochu is the spy hahahha now that they are starting the tour we will get a lot of v app stuff just like in 2015... and that's it I think... oh wait the idols party show, man they crack me up 😂 OK NOW THATS REALLY IT!

thank you so much for reading this story with me <3 (it's close to 3am rn haha but I've been looking for a title also I'm stalling but I'm posting it now, pls don't hate me >.<)