Love is leaving me, I didn't know I had it to begin with
Secret: Between The Two Idols
The cars are still lining up to pick up the guests from the event. Siwon’s Audi is one of them, he’s been calling you nonstop since he got into his own car, but then was when you’re still in the basement and lost the signal. And now, three cars away from the main entrance, Siwon finally could see you, but you didn’t budge when there’s a incoming call on your phone.
“Pick up.. pick up..” he punches his steering wheel.
Two cars away.
He couldn’t think a way to reach you without expose himself in front of the reporters.
“Pick up Nara ya!!”
He’s right in front of you but you just look down.
Siwon missed the timing and takes another turn to line up to the main entrance again. Five cars away from the main entrance, Siwon could see you’re about to aboard into a cab. Siwon couldn’t really think about a way so he honks his horn (no pun intended). So loudly. Everybody including you immediately turn your eyes to his car. He dims a few times too, to gives you a signal.
Like everybody in the lobby, you got so shocked by the sound of the horn. But then you froze when you look at the blue Audi. Squinting your eyes,you could recognize his car plate someway. As soon as you confirmed it’s his car, you apologize to the taxi driver and pay for the cancelation fee.
After canceled the taxi and apologized repeatedly to the hotel staff, you get into Siwon’s car. With everybody’s eyes following you.
“Ohh.. look that girl is entering the Audi. Who the hell blowing horn to calling people late night like this??! So rude..”
“That car is picking up that girl??”
“Who’s the driver? Crazy!!”
You could hear people are talking about Siwon’s car all the way to his car. You hold your breath, to open the door as tiny as possible so people won’t recognize Siwon. And sighing a bit too loud when you finally sit and close the door without looking at Siwon, while he sees your every action.
“Why you were about to get into a taxi? We’ve planned this earlier. I said I will pick you up, so I pick you up. What did you do ordering a cab?”
Another sigh come.
You have no idea what Siwon has to get through just to pick you up. He lost you in the crowd when he was being dragged here and there to take a picture with. But he manage to quickly asked his manager to drive off the building to his parked car, drop by to the nearest convenience store to buy ‘after drink tonic’ to get more sober, and put on his feet on the pedal as deep as it can get to be where you at, as fast as he could. All the fuss just for taking you out on an event properly, without burdened his manager so they won’t accuse him only focus on dating.
And when he expected that you would come in to his car all smiling and thanking him. You went in with your face scrunched and even sighing. His tone automatically gets higher when he’s not intended to.
“You didn’t answer your call. Plus you had a drink early on. How can I be sure the plan is still on?”
“It was just a glass of champagne. And you didn’t answer my call too! I called you like a thousand times.”
You take your phone from your purse. “You didn’t call..” Then you look at his 2 miscalled. “It.. was just two miscalled.” You end this quietly. Lost.
Siwon is about to burst in laugh but he holds it. He’s still angry at you. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.” He says that without even looking at you. He missed to see that you still shivering from head to toe. From walking round and round the parking lot, cold and scared, plus from Siwon’s anger tone. “But what happened to you today? Please let me know. Don’t bottle up your anger like that time..”
“That time..?”
“When you refused to see me a few days.”
That because you didn’t even answer my call for the whole night and forget our plan! Just like today! You almost pull your hair down in frustration.
“That was.. Are we going to argue about that now?”
“I mean, don’t be like that. Please talk to me about today.. why are you being so sensitive about a lot of things. It’s not like you. Are you really concern about not being acknowledged as my girlfriend, that’s all? Well I’m sorry I can’t be like your ex who made the whole video about his love for you.”
What??? You take a deep breath. “What the hell my ex to do with this? No, I don’t want to be acknowledge as your girlfriend. But frankly oppa. I still have no idea why we have to go to such event with me as your ‘not plus one’. I refused to go to this charity because I’m not invited but you insisted. What benefits it gives you to take me when I didn’t even escorting you..?”
“What benefit It gives me?” Siwon repeats your words in disbelieve. “So you think I insisted to take you there for me??” Siwon couldn’t believe his ears. “God! I did that for you! You can meet a lot of people there, make a lot of connection, give leverage for your life.”
“Leverage?” So me, myself is not enough?
“And you’re just happened not invited in this event. Why you make a fuss out of it. It’s the same normal events that you used to attend. You went to boutique opening when we first met in Hong Kong, and the one you cover up for your mom. Your parents were there too for god sake.”
You look down.
Siwon looks straight to the road and exhale deeply. “If only you knew what I have to sacrifice just to take you there..” he said that really quietly, but you still can hear it.
“If only you knew what I have to sacrifice just to be with you..” The words come out even before you could think, because you also mad at him.
“So you think it’s a waste??” Siwon Park his car to the nearest curved curb. “I risked it all just make you more than you are now, while you think that it’s a waste that you sacrifice things just to be with me??”
“Of course not! I went through it all for you. Even though you think that I will never be enough for you.”
“What are you even talking about?? I just don’t understand your behavior this whole night. You never been like this before. Please let me know if I did something wrong.. Why would you never be enough for me??”
“Because you thought that you need to ‘leverage’ my self through this kind of event.”
“That’s not it! Nara ya..”
You bite your lips and look away.
“I just want people to recognize you more. And you can get many benefit from this, so why were you coming to this event like I force you to wear a shoes filled with shattered glass??”
“Because..” you take a deep breath. “It’s not the way it works oppa. At least not in my world. I don’t deserved to be at the charity, yet. My parents are, because they’ve done so much contribution for the foundation. You too had done your homework. And the other celebrities were invited to bright up the event. Everybody I knew that attended the event, are rightfully where they’re supposed to be.. but I’m not.” You look at him. “It’s different when I got invited at the Hong-Kong event or when up covering up for my parents, I had my role there. Here I’m just a free rider, and because I kept sticking on you, everybody knows where did I get the free ride from.”
Siwon steals a glance at you. You talk so passionately without even looking at him. He never really thought of that. Never form your point of view. In his world, exposure is everything. Even if you never really done anything for a foundation, or a brand, coming to their events are already an advantage. You got exposed by attending it, and it will open a lot of opportunities ahead.
“That was so contrast from our intention to keep this relationship a secret. I almost can hear the entire building whispering every time I walk beside you. My company’s board of directors are even worst, they didn’t talk, but I can see it in their eyes.”
“They know we’re dating?” Asks Siwon’s innocently.
Come on! You roll your eyes.
“Everyone in my office secretly knew that. You hold me through the lobby for everyone to see when I out. All of my acquaintance that we’ve met in all the events that we went to too. Not to mention other competitor companies that watch closely if there's a chance putting the whole group on sale because i can’t inherit the company or if anything worse going to come."
Siwon's breath became slower after hearing all of your worries. "You should told me that.."
You sigh and look away from him again. He looks at you for a moment but then started to drive again.
“I told you that, but you thought I didn’t want to be seen with you around the office. Even without you dropping me off at the main lobby, everybody knew what happen between us.”
"Then you should say nothing about us, Nara~ya. If the fans hear this.. They're just not ready."
Your fans knew it though. You keep on silent holding back tears. All of your words don't seem get to him yet. Your career also can't afford a rumor. But it's always about him. He’s the one that got angry because I didn’t want to be dropped at the office front lobby. He’s the one that recklessly brought me to all the events that he wanted. And it’s me that shouldn’t tell anything to anyone??
"Hmm.. I know you didn't care about suju' schedule at all, but that day when you were angry at me, we had album showcase to attended." Siwon says this casually, trying to break the ice after both of you spoke so tensly. What he really wanted to say is, 'I'm sorry you're angry with me, but that day, I had a really important schedule, I can't help it, I'm sorry.' He tried to ask for apology while keeping his pride, so it goes wrong. And the way he said it, hurts you so much, you couldn't help but to look away to hide the tears and the pain.
Siwon stole a glance towards you while keep on driving. There's a few minutes silent on the car because you didn't ready to talk yet without crying. Until you maintain your breath and begin to talk calmly.
"That day.. when I was 'angry' at you.” Your words tremble. “I actually had your album showcase ticket I tried so hard to get when I'm not even a member in your fan club. But the office held birthday party for me, I barely escape to go to your home later on that night, because I already promise to have dinner with you. A promise that you initiate. A promise I tried to keep, while I break other promises to spent the birthday with my family. I got scolded by a lot people that said I'm ungrateful because I ran away when all of them were already expecting second round after that party. I let down the people who sincerely wanted me to have a good day on my birthday. But at that time, I don't care, I’d be happy to thought that at least I would had a little time with you, oppa. But you weren’t even there." You talk while facing Siwon who continues to drive silently. "And where the hell did you found out about my ex anyway? The problem is not that you can't post our picture on Instagram like my ex did, the problem is you contradict your own words that you want to keep our relationship in secret but we came to events, that those socialites attended. Yet saying in front of their face that we're just friend. Who would ever believe in that, when you grab my hand wherever we go."
"It's okay for them to know it secretly without us declare it, it's safer, because they're in my circle, your circle, our circle. They keep it to them self, they won't give it away like to tweet it or make a blog out of it."
"Yes, they don't. But they printed it out in a magazine instead. I thought I did well in the company that another two magazine interviews came to me. But in the end, all they were asking is about my relationship, they're dig everything about you because there're exclusive sources that told them about us. Who do you think they might be? The reporters on the charity? The magazine's Yoo editor in chief that we met? Soojinie? What those article made me, compare to a mere blog? Are we safe enough as far as dispatch didn't publish something about us so the fans will found out?"
"But the fans also.."
"I know oppa, I know their power, what they means to you. I know it. It's scary, and I'm scared. When there were your overseas fans who could even come to me in my gym locker room gave me letters when I'm , and there're another groups who wait for me in front of my office. It scares me because what did I do to receive loves from stranger like that, what possibly could happen after that, it's like a ticking bomb. The hates I get is more than I could handle."
"They met you at the locker room?? You really should tell me all of that when it happened. I though it will be different, it would be quite, subdued and just about us.."
"But it never enough if it just both of us right? So that's why we're going to that kind of event? You said it yourself." Siwon taken aback by your words. "We went through it at first, a subdue and just the two of us kinda relationship, none of us stay for that. I'm sorry I can't be the girl that you're crazy about, that you will do anything for her, that could be a celebrity when it needed and an ordinary person in another time, that is so perfect in everything your fans will accept. I'm sorry I couldn't understand about you and your world more, I should have done more for you and suju. I tried my best in everything for you." You almost sob, "I'm sorry I can't be her."
He couldn't say anything about your words so both of you just stay in silent until he drives into your apartment parking place.
The silent fill the car, both of you avoided each other, so you just looking outside of the car window.
It’s not until Siwon parks his car, he let out a significant sigh. You feel that no matter what each other going to say, it’ll turn into an argument again. And if you have to doing it all over again you might be burst in tears in a split second.
So you cut him off before Siwon even have the chance to speak.
“You have an overseas schedule next week right?” you ask him while your hand play the playlist you made on his car’s music player. You made it for him weeks ago, but according what he said earlier, apparently Siwon hasn’t notice it yet. “So from tomorrow onward, you don’t have to pick me up, okay?” you exhale and look away from him, “I better to get used to be alone… Bye.”
Quickly, you kiss him on the cheek and get out of the car without letting him answer it first.
Squint your eyes in order not to let your tears fall, you also bite your tremble lips. One last big sigh coming out of your mouth before you walk away from him and never turn back.
Still unable to fully comprehends why did you just left like that, Siwon attention got shifted by the song that played on his car, it’s his own song. He looks at the sight of your back and at his music player, back and forth, just realize that you made him a playlist from Suju’s songs on your choices.
And everything just hit him right there.
Everything.
From the lyric that fill the whole car, the realization that come too late, and your back facing him that slowly walking farther away.
When I see you with your backs turned to me
The time love clearly took, now I can see it too
Like a time of separation, I saw it coming
I didn’t know you’re such a part of me
Siwon holds his expression to prevent him from cry, but his vision of you blurred by his tears.
Love is leaving me
I didn’t know I had it to begin with
Siwon punches his driving wheel and cries, right there.
He runs to your apartment trough the main lobby, asking the receptionist to let him access the elevator.
When he arrived in front of your door:
“Nara~ya, open the door. What the hell are you talking about?” He talks to your door while pounding it.
You are kneeling down inside your apartment, just a meter away from your doorstep, bawling your heart out.
“Talk to me will you?” Still no answer. “I know your password. Don’t let me barge into your house like this.” But still no answer. And Siwon couldn’t hold it, he had to talk to you, there’s no way things ended up like this. He’s fumbling with the lock key, hesitated to open it or not when he hears the door being opened from inside. He’s peaking slowly inside your house, just to find you stand in front of the door, crying.
He runs to hug you immediately. You just stay like that, letting him hugging you without hug him back.
“Let’s stop it oppa. I’m really tired..”
“Please don’t say that.. Why is it so easy for you to say that? We’ll get through this.”
“To where?”
Siwon lets you go when he heard you said this. “M..mwo?” W..what? He squeezes your fingers like that the only things that could keep him standing.
“We’ll get through this to where? Oppa.. I’m getting crazy here.. I don’t know what I feel anymore. When I’m angry or lonely I dismissed it in order to understanding your stances. When I got disappointed I neutralize it by trying to put myself in your shoe. When I felt unloved and unwanted I keep telling myself that you love me, you just unable to relay that feeling in the way that I familiar with..”
“Nara ya..”
“But I’m still angry and lonely and disappointed, unloved and unwanted.” You hide your face on your palm. Crying again. “It’s our relationship though, but why everything is about you? I felt like I already give 200% of me to this relationship and ignore any other aspect in my life, but why.. why do I feel like I have to try harder in order to make us happy? Why do I feel like I never be enough for you? Let’s stop this oppa..” you loose all your strength just to say this.
“Why it’s so easy for you to end this?? I won’t let that happen!!” Siwon grabs both of your shoulder. “I did everything because I want to marry you in the future..” you’re crying again. “Sungmin hyung is going to get married. The fans are already knew they’re in relationship and most of them opposed it. Most of the members and managers opposed it too. I don’t want it happen to you us! That’s what drives me here. That’s what made me work my as$ off, showing to the elder members that our relationship doesn’t make me slacking in our work in every way. That’s what make me brought you there.. to slowly show our fans that you are that great girl that I don’t even deserve. Right now they don’t know that. They don’t know you, yet!”
“That’s the internal problem that you said you can’t tell me?” You’re kinda regretting acted tough on Siwon without knowing all of this. “That your hyung is getting married?”
“Yes.. but the whole team even the fans are so sensitive about that.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I don’t want you to affected by the issue. To feel unwelcome by everyone, when it’s not even our problem.”
“I already feel I welcomed. Your fans threaten me. They sent me hate letters to my office, confronted me in the bathroom when we’re in a restaurant at Beijing.”
Siwon scrunches his face. He tried to remember that day. Beijing.. restaurant after church. “You’re so afraid back then. I thought you’d have your period or something. They were there?”
“Yes..” you’re looking away from him. “I’m sorry..”
“Why you’re sorry? It’s not your fault.”
“Because they didn’t like me either. It doesn’t work as you want it.”
“Aniyaa! We will work on that.”
You let out a tired smile. “I don’t think I can oppa. I’m.. I think we need to.. stop.”
Siwon let go of your shoulder. “You kept doing that.. do you really confident we can live without each other?”
“No.. but I don’t have the confident to continue live with you either.”
Siwon gets furious.
But you’re just looking at him with tired face. “I used to live just fine without anyone else. People can cancel plans or betray me. I can continue living on. I don’t know whether I got too attached with you or just being dependent. But every time I waited for you then you canceled it. I felt so awful, I can’t stand the loneliness. That moment in your apartment, I even can heard the absent of the sounds, it’s so weird I feel I could throw up, listening to that. But I could hear it again, today, at the empty basement when I was searching for you. I felt cold, and I wanted to throw up. It felt like I can’t find happiness on my own and that’s wrong oppa. I can’t continue to relay my own happiness to someone else, to you..”
Siwon holds your arms again. Links fingers with you. “But I’m too in love with you. And now we knew a lot more about each other, went through a lot with each other..”
“Despite everything that we’ve been through.. I know it’s been hard on you to keep this relationship too. We’re just too different to be together. You couldn’t accept me the way I am, I really couldn’t stand myself when I’m with you. Being together affected your work negatively and so does as my work. It’s not right for both of us. So oppa.. let’s stop here.”
Siwon involuntarily let your hands off.
He stares right to your eyes that nearly dry.
She’s not even crying again.
She means it..
“Damn, it’s really break my heart every time I hear you saying those words so easily.. while I..” he’s looking at your every corner. Your eyes, lips, collarbone, your shoulder, your fingers. That only had one ring from your mom. “I should have seen this coming..”
“Why?” you’re trying to look him in the eyes.
“I always wear this bracelet you gave me ages ago. I always wear it, despite the risk that the fans might be suspicious that I’m dating someone, because they might be thought I wore a couple bracelet.. It may means nothing to you, what a kpop idol means to a head of department from a leading developer company in our country.. But I love you, and I treasure the things that you gave me so I wear this. But you.. the ring I gave you, because I want to give something that means a lot to you.” He holds your finger softly then let it go again. “But you.. what did you.. ever.. ”
Nara boiled up with anger. “What did I ever do for you? Not wearing the ring you gave me? Oppa..” you lost for words. “I did.. eeeverything for you, how could you..!” You let out your necklace that looks like Rosario that siwon gave you a year ago. The ring dangling as it’s pendant beside the cross.
Siwon skips a beat. That necklace..
She always wear that since day one..
He recognizes the necklace that he gave you, along with the same bracelet that he knew you always wear. He just notices it, you’ve made a bracelet from the long necklace that he gave you.
He also remember he saw that ring dangling in her necklace a few time when you’re in lowcut neckline outfit. But how couldn’t he recognized it as the ring that he gave you? He lets out a heavy breath.
“You wore that ever since I gave it you. Me too.. but of course I don’t have any fans that will scrutinize all of my appearance.” You added, sarcastically. “No one will ever notice I wear the necklace and ring that Choi Siwon had bought for me. I have no fans, I only have haters.”
“What the..”
“I’m no one. Do you really have to emphasize that again now? Weren’t all night in the charity enough for you? I walked through the red carpet where no one knew who I am. I ran around every nooks and corners looking for my boyfriend whose everyone wanted to taking a selfie with, while nobody really paying attention to me. Then you told me that you need to leverage my social status by attending those kind of event. And now we are arguing about this?” You’re dangling the ring in front of his eyes.
You lose it. You lose all things you’ve been holding in your heart.
“It’s too long, I cut it and made a bracelet out of it so you can see it that I’m appreciated your gift. And the ring is too big for my fingers, I don’t want to lose it, so put it here. You don’t even recognize the things you gave me and mad at me for that..”
“I’m sorry..” Siwon’s voice is getting smaller and smaller as he looks down.
“So why you’re too in love with a woman that you thought never support your work, doesn’t want to be sighted beside you, and doesn’t even appreciate your gift to her?” It was like rounded up your courage. “We’ve worked hard oppa. You don’t have to suffering again. We’re done here..”
You grab your pouch and everyday purse. Siwon couldn’t do anything but eyeing your every gesture. Looking at your back facing him. A familiar sight for him now. He couldn’t even talk to you how pretty you’re looking even from the back.
You open your door and walk out of it. Without looking at siwon. Not even once.
Siwon doesn’t have the energy to hold you down, he just seated on the floor. Waiting for you.
He feels like he doesn’t even have the right to stop you.
All of the hard times you’ve been through is because of him.
He doesn’t have any right, but waiting for you.
Counting down to the finaleee!! <3 <3
20 July 2018
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