"Hyung.." Kyuhyun sits beside Siwon who's looking at blank space with an empty water bottle in his hand.

 

Siwon was just helping the producer to record Kyuhyun part on a song that Siwon wrote. He explained to Kyuhyun about the feel he needs to deliver on the lyric. But while scrutinize it all over again, Siwon drawn into that pool of emotion, again. Every words in that song and every emotion in the melody, hurt siwon like it just happened yesterday.

 

So, as soon as Kyuhyun’s done, Siwon quickly got out of the recording studio to calm himself down. And now.. Kyuhyun found him seated on the concrete stairs outside the building. "If it’s really matter, go for it." He's also looking at the blank space Siwon's looking.

 

"How could I do that to you?"

 

Both of the guys still don't look at each other.

 

"You knew we weren't cheating on you, didn't you?" Kyuhyun looks at Siwon.

 

"I know. But how can I be with someone you wanted to be with. Well.. You come first." Siwon sighs.

 

"It doesn't make any sense. Look at how depressed you were after she left!" Kyuhyun points Siwon's all appearance from head to toe. "You love her, she loves you. She fought for you and you did too. And me and her just fine.. More than I thought I can, now I'm okay with that. We can actually laugh about it now. We're fine."

 

Siwon turns to Kyuhyun again. "I realized that's it natural for you to like her and her being close to you. You guys resemble each other. While I don't really see all the details like you guys do. I didn't know how much she did for me until she brought it up. I just realized it then, rather than logic, she fell quite hard for me, she watched all of my drama, paid a really close attention to SJ too. She showered me with her love more than I did to her. She even wore the necklace that I gave it for her as a bracelet too, every single day.. And I didn't even frigging realize it even though she dangled it in front of my eyes for thousands times. And dare to question her why she never wore everything that I gave her."

 

"It was from you? Oh you're so insensitive hyung.. The bracelet were pretty. I saw her wore those every time I met her.. like from forever." Kyuhyun absentmindedly throws comment.

 

"Ya!"

 

"Oh sorry.."

 

Siwon's slowly laughing. Kyuhyun laughs with him too.

 

Once Siwon feels relax, he let out another sigh, "She did everything for me, while I broke her heart, then ruin her career and future altogether."

 

"But she loves NY. Doesn't it going to better for her there? She can enroll to master degree or start a new business. She said that."

 

Siwon look at Kyuhyun. "Are you sure you're okay with me being with her?"

 

"Hyung.. I had a huge crush on her that's all. But I think I love you more to acknowledge that both of you need each other.”

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

“So how’s New Zealand?” Asks Jenna. She and Nara are queueing in the coffee shop.

 

“Hmm.. great.”

 

“What did you do there? Like for a whole month!” Jenna stands facing Nara.

 

“It was just like 2 and a half weeks.”

 

“Yeah, two and a half week.” Jenna emphasizes the words. “What were you doing?

 

“I knitted my own clothes. I brought a ton of wool that I saw were being shaved from the sheep itself, spun, colored and stuffs right beside our airbnb house. You know how sustainable that lifestyle is? I learn about that during my holiday, what’s wrong with that?” Nara avoids Jenna’s stare by looking at the menu intensely.

 

“The Suju guys were in town up until three days ago.. But you..”

 

“Uhh... Well Kyuhyun oppa contacted me..”

 

“Ah, you knew they’re coming? But you happened to be in the other side of the world right when they visited here?”Jenna sarcastically  throws comment with eyes are piercing at Nara. “When they said they invited you personally, two and a half weeks ago?”

 

“One hot caffè latte please. Tall.” Nara cuts her by talking to the barista.

 

Jenna who has no idea that it’s already their turn, got angry with Nara, but got distracted by what Nara had ordered.

 

“You sure your stomach can handle coffee?” Asks Jenna.

 

“Yeah I need to finished my essay about my stay at NZ, but I’m so sleepy right now.”

 

Jenna acknowledge Nara’s choice. She then orders the same beverage and pays it with her card.

 

The male barista asked for their names before starts to brew their order.

 

“Even Hyerin didn’t know that you had a plan to go to Aussie. She flew here all the way to see them.” Jenna is trying to get Nara’s attention, but she’s busy looking at the people in the caffè. “Don’t you miss your Kyu oppa at all? Or Heechul oppa?”

 

Both of them are still standing in front of the counter as they waited for the coffees.

 

“Well I want to traveling as much as I can during my days off before I graduate, and one of my class mate is from Melbourne. She offered me to traveling to New Zealand. I needed to go there, they’ll understand... Beside.. can you imagine how cool is that? Having your own clothes made right at your backyard? It’s like the exact opposite of fast fashion!”

 

“I get it. But Nara~ya.. He was waiting for you. He stayed at your apartment after you guys broke up. He even came to your apartment after you went here, he didn’t know that you went to New York for good.” Nara knows where the conversation is going to, so she turns away to see outside the window. “Siwon oppa was..”

 

“Isn’t that Sonia?”

 

“Don’t cut me out!”

 

“No.. No.. No..” Nara points out someone walking outside the coffee shop. “Look!”

 

Jenna is suddenly shrieking and waving to someone from outside. She runs outside of the coffee shop to greet someone. It really is Sonia, Jenna’s sister in law.

 

Nara leans back on the counter to see Jenna. Her sight follows her when she sees someone else that Sonia is walking with. Her heart skips a beat when she recognized who she is.

 

Wearing layered black outfit, with her long hair down, pale complexion, and lankly figure, she joins the conversation between Jenna and her sister in law.

 

‘She’s so pretty..’ Nara acknowledges it inside her head.

 

When Jenna and Sonia is busy talking to each other, they're kinda unconsciously outcast the girl beside them. She starts looking around and turning her head to Nara’s direction.

 

They recognize each other and exchange ambiguous stares for a few seconds, before the girl finally bows her head slightly and then smiles.

 

Nara bows back and smile. ‘But I am too..’ She says to herself. She smiles like she never smiles so sincere before.

 

“Miss Nara.. your caffe lates.” Calls the male barista. “This one for you, and this is for your friend.”

 

Nara turns her attention to the barista. “Thank you.” She grabs both coffees.

 

“Have a great day.” The barista is sincerely smile to her. She then notices the writing on the paper cup, under her name.

 

‘Nara

 

You have smile that could light up the whole town. Don’t you ever lose it.’

 

Nara is somehow touched by this simple gesture, she needs one big breath out to answer it with a smile. “You too have a great day. Take care!”

 

She looks out of the window, when Sonia and the girl are about to leave.

 

She is her, I am me.. although we used to be loved by a same person, we’re different individuals. With different choices of life and gifts from god. She’s pretty in her own way, so am I.

 

Nara keeps on thinking about that in her way out of the coffee shop. She feels relieved because of nothing, really. But it felt like a big burden on her shoulder had been lifted off.

 

“I think I got a great idea for next semester project.” Nara’s smiling to Jenna, gives her the drink. "No no no.. Should we start a fashion store?"

 

"What?"

 

"How about we build somekind of platform, like ecommerce that curated a few sustainable small fashion brand from all over the world? Like maybe we should find a place that produce a lot of bamboo tree and have a small mill that produce bamboo based fabric nearby with a tailor that usually made clothes made of that fabric. What do you think?"

 

"Did they put something inside you coffee?" Jenna inspects her drink. "What the hell happened in that five minutes I went outside?"

 

"I saw her?"

 

Jenna widens her eyes. "Who? Sonia?" But she remembers something. "Ahh.. Stella?"

 

Nara nods. "She's pretty. Everybody knows that. But everybody had a special trait about themself, so rather than follows what the industry told you about what's pretty and what's not. So we should know ourself first, acknowledge it, accept it, and love it. then choose to wear what we actually know are good for us."

 

Jenna looks at Nara. Knowing what drive her to think that way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2017, One More Chance video filming

 

 

 

“And next concept is, one person is walking on the carpet, following the shadow of a girl, but being followed by the paparazzis who are flashing the cameras around.” Everybody looking at Siwon. “It’s like he wanted to reach out to the girl’s shadow in front of him, but couldn’t do it while he’s still under the public scrutiny.”

 

“Woah..” Donghae involuntarily throws comments. “Remember when you couldn’t go after her to the airport? This concept fits you perfectly.” Donghae taps Siwon’s shoulder.

 

Siwon just smiles pessimistically and continue to listens to the director.

 

Heechul steps on Donghae’s foot, giving him a warning stare.

 

‘Why??’ Donghae asks to Heechul silently.

 

‘Stay still!!’ Heechul replies it without any sounds too.

 

Leeteuk watched their interaction without saying anything. The look in Siwon’s eyes breaks his heart.

 

 

 

“Siwon~ah..” Leeteuk comes into Siwon’s waiting room when they’re shooting for the video clip.

 

“Oh hyung, you’re here? I thought the other member won’t be here until after lunch today?” Siwon look up from his phone.

 

“Uh. I finished everything I needed to do. And ahh.. I wanted to see you first.” Leeteuk answers shortly and put his lunchbox beside him. “Do you want me to to get yours?”

 

“No. Thank you I’m on diet.. I also have drama filming after this. I need to go hyung.”

 

“Siwon~ah.” Leeteuk looks around then lowered his tone. There’re two stylist in the corner. “I’m sorry..”

 

Siwon laughs, like what the hell is his hyung is saying in the middle of bright day like this. But Leeteuk expression stay serious. So he stop laughing. “What’s the matter hyung?”

 

“For not being able to protect you. I’m sorry.”

 

“We already talk about this. It’s my decision too, not participate on the music show. I do it for the team.”

 

Leeteuk sighs. “Exactly. It’s unfair for you. I’m the one who should be standing in front of everybody, protecting my member. Sungmin, Kangin, and now you. I did nothing to defend you. After all you did for the team.”

 

Siwon lightly scoffs and looks down. “No hyung, you don’t have to be the one who stand up in front of the others. Beside everybody would do the same.”

 

“No. You exceed my expectation. I should have said this a long time ago. But.. I’m sorry too. I might be one of the contributing factors that made you broke up with her.”

 

“What?? No.. We really just..” he lost track of what he’s going to say. He never thought his hyung is going to talk about something like this to him.

 

“Yongsun hyung tell me all about it after your scandal coming out. Heechul too, he wouldn’t stop bothering me to at least talk to you. But at the moment, I thought it was the best for the team. But then I got consumed by Sungmin case. I forgot to console you. I thought you’re doing just fine after all. But seeing you these past few weeks really broke my heart, Siwon~ah.”

 

“Ah whyyy?” Siwon is whining cutely to distract his hyung.

 

“Call it my greed. I wanted everybody focusing on the team only. But still, I don’t have the right to interfere with your love life like that. It’s unfair for Sungmin and Kangin too. But Kangin have to reflect upon his action, while Sungmin.. he made his choice. He’s happy with his marriage life. And so now I’m happy for him. But you, it wasn’t even your fault, nor your decision.. But after all these years, you still look so lonely, and hurt. Moreover on the time like this, when you need someone to support you. You don’t have her around. I just.. I’m sorry I took away such a big part of your life.”

 

“Anieyo....” Noo.... Siwon rubs Leeteuk’s thigh. He has nothing to say. Siwon sighs, “You know what this profession is for me. So was she. Even if we decided to keep our relationship and sacrifice our career we wouldn’t be any happier either..” or will we?

 

His shooting today was just a few hours short. But scrutinized his feeling to match the one in the video clip was like opening his old wound. Seeing a girl from behind, only been able to see her leaving without having the chance to call her back, reminded him of you and it hurt him so much.

 

The view of her back..

 

The view of her back that was a familiar memories..

 

“I’m here now. If you ever need me, just come, okay?”

 

“Thank you hyung. Really.. but I’m fine.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Kyuhyunaaahhh..” Siwon hugs Kyuhyun from aside when they got left behind on the waiting room by the other members when all of them have to perform for music show.

 

Siwon is absent from the album promotion because of his current scandal, while Kyuhyun is still fulfilling his mandatory military service as a public service worker. But both of them come to the music show to support the rest of the members.

 

“How’s the drama hyung?”

 

“Bad.. it still got bad reception despite everybody’s hard work.”

 

Kyuhyun couldn’t say anything, so he just rubs his hyung arm.

 

“When will it be done?”

 

“The shooting was done, but next week is going to be their last episode.”

 

“And after that? What schedule do you have?”

 

“Nothing.. like really nothing. I’ve got zero CF offer, although the drama is still airing. And i got only one Chinese magazine interview, that’s all. Manager hyungs had decided to reschedule the interview up until next month, so I have time to take a break from everything in these few weeks.”

 

“Aww.. I’m sorry to hear that hyung. How are you now?”

 

There’s only the two of them in the waiting room, so Siwon glances at the door, anticipating whoever might burst in suddenly.

 

“Actually.. I’m not okay. I’m tired to say that I’m fine to everybody, when everything that I thought will be fine, is still not fine.” Siwon is slumps on the couch.

 

Kyuhyun sits straight, turning his attention directly at his hyung. Siwon hyung that he thought forever will be strong, finally broke down.

 

Siwon talks about what’s on his mind and shares things he never shared to anybody to Kyuhyun.

 

“I sought redemption by visiting the deceased’s family.. but I still couldn’t make peace with myself. This comeback is not doing good, the drama was a flop.”

 

“You just have to acknowledge that you’re not the one in blame hyung.”

 

“But I am. I’m so lonely.. Although I tried to be positive and act positive in front of the others, but every time they turn their back or I left alone in my house, the negativity just come straight to my mind. I’m not loved, I’m over.”

 

“Aniya!!!” It’s not!!! Kyuhyun grabs Siwon’s arms and shakes him. Like he tried to bring his hyung to his senses. “Stay with me and Shindong hyung. No no no.. I’ll stay with you!”

 

Siwon laughs, weakly. “I accept your intention. Thanks Kyuhyunah.”

 

“Go get refreshed in this few weeks. Go on vacation.”

 

“If I go alone, it’ll get more lonely..” Siwon looks down.

 

“Or should i find some expert helps?”

 

“I think I need forgiveness from one more person..”

 

And Kyuhyun knows right away who he meant by that person.

 

“I miss her.” Siwon’s voice is shaking when he said that. Kyuhyun grabs his hyung hand thighly.

 

Siwon squeezes it back..

 

“She forgave you hyung, from a long time ago.”

 

“How is she.. what she’s doing.. her instagram contains all good picture but her own face in them. How she managed not to coming home all these years..”

 

“Uhh..” Kyuhyun hesitantly continues. “She came here a few times actually, hyung.” Kyuhyun says it slowly. “When you were in training center, she was here for a couple of weeks. When you were in China too.”

 

Siwon closes his eyes and bites his lip.

 

“So she really avoided me..”

 

“But she met your parents thou.. They never said anything to you?”

 

“No.. I bet she asked my mother not to tell me anything. That exactly what I did..” Siwon’s mind is filled with more questions. What’s on her mind? Seeing my parents? I was seeing her parents because I feel sorry for them. But she.. “So she’s here while I was in the army. She didn’t even shared me her new number although she contacted you and Heechul hyung and met up with my parents?”

 

“I can give her number to you.. But I’m sure you know a way to meet her even though you don’t have her number right?”

 

Siwon subtly nods. He’s thinking.

 

“Then go. Use this chance to ask for forgiveness and to make peace with yourself hyung.”

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

"Yaa! How am I supposed to help you?! Oppaaa.. she's doing really great right now, no thanks to you, and you told me to get you meet her on purpose so you can ruin every piece of her heart what she had fixed this whole time again??" Hyerin shouts her heart out to Siwon.

 

"Aniya.. I just.."

 

"Ya, is that banmal*?" *non-honorific Hyerin got mad although she use banmal since the beginning.

 

"Okay okay I'm sorry." Siwon's using really formal language, "I just want to meet her. I can manage to get a few days off to go to NY just to meet her.. I want to apologize.."

 

Hyerin sighs.

 

"Do you know that she bruised easily? And she bared it all in front of you, and was being so vulnerable when she’s with you. And you were easily turned away from her? After all the hard time she had to went through because of you? And now you just want to see her and ask for an apology??"

 

Siwon really had nothing to say against Hyerin, what she said is right, and he really have no right to mess up with her life again. But..

 

“I tried to meet her few years ago too.. but she avoided.. could you just..”

 

"Okay.. Since I'm still thinking that she's going to ended up with you again somehow, I'll set something up so you can meet her.."

 

"Really??? Hyerin ah, thank you so much I'll do everything for you.. I can fly there tomorrow, so I can arrive there around the day after tomorr.."

 

"Mwoya! No way! We've got a really important presentation on Friday and, I can't let you ruin her mood for that talk!! You can come as soon as the presentation’s done."

 

"But then I will only have a day with her because I have to be available within the company if I got a call for meeting with my company by next Monday."

 

"Do you want to meet her or not?!”

 

"Okay okay.." Siwon a child who get bullied by a bigger kids in school.

 

“Then just do what I said. Or else I’ll take the guy she’s currently dating to the place you’re going to meet her.”

 

“She’s dating someone?” Siwon is left speechless. Not that he expecting her to be single. But all of instagram photo hadn’t a slight information that she’s dating someone.

 

“Didn’t you said you just want to ask for apology? So it doesn’t matter whether she’s dating someone or not.. riiiiight?” Asks Hyerin teasingly.

 

“Hmm..”

 

“You’ve dated that tall Victoria secrets model anyway..”

 

Siwon laughs. Hyerin really sounds like his crazy ex girlfriend, not his ex girlfriend’s friend. “I’ve never dated her. It’s pure just for the shows.”

 

“Whatever.. Nara’s dating some fintech founder anyway..” Hyerin put her bitsh face again although Siwon couldn’t see it. “I’ll tell you the progress as we settled the schedule on that day. Okay oppa?”

 

A fintech company founder.. That’s all what on Siwon’s mind. A fintech company founder..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jenna holds 'Wonnie oppa' sign while she's standing in front of the departure gate in JFK airport. She couldn't help not to smile all way thinking that she'll be the one who accompanied Siwon until after Nara and Hyerin's ted talk will be done tomorrow's afternoon. It's still 1.30 pm, so it's a long way before they'll finished it.

 

Once she sees a bunch of people going out from the gate, she's frantically looking for Siwon's figure that she knew in between the crowd, and get excited by herself when there's a handsome and tall man, all in black, walk towards her, still with his sunglasses on. Stood out from the crowd. He seriously gets an aura that set him off from the other.

 

"Jenna?"

 

Woah.. He remembers. Jenna is grinning and excitedly nodding.

 

“It’s been long since I saw you!”

 

Siwon holds Jenna tightly and gets her paralyzed for a few seconds.

 

“Yeah.. we saw each other before your military!” She looks around Siwon. “Oppa. I thought you’re with your manager..”

 

“No, I never brought manager for personal stuff.” Both of them walk away to the parking lot. They talk about each other recent activities and stuffs on the way. “Anyway, where should I wait until I can meet her? Hyerin said she booked a room for me.”

 

Jenna open the trunk on a black rover for Siwon to put his small suitcase.

 

“Actually she’s going to booked a hotel room for you up until yesterday.. But change of plan, you should just stay at our house instead. It’s safer there. Or do you prefer hotel?” Jenna awkwardly get into the car and get ready to drive.

 

“No.. it’s too lonely. It’ll be fun staying at your house.” Siwon opens his jacket and reveals his well built body. He seems too masculine to sit on the passenger seat when small Jenna is the one who's driving.

 

Siwon could see Jenna’s looking at him. “Okay.. Hmm do you want me to drive? I have the international driving license.” He senses that she’s uncomfortable sitting there with Him beside her. Then he remembers a glimpse of his memory, years ago. Being hammered and sat on the passenger seat while you drove him home on his own Audi.

 

“Would you? But you just got off plane from a long flight.. but.. It’s nara’s car. We rarely use this. I don’t really.. Okay. I’ll tell you the direction instead.”

 

They exchanged seat when Siwon smile to himself. How can Nara drives pretty well too? Is there anything that girl can’t do? “Where is your house? You just move out from Nara’s?  Is it far from her house? There’s a chance that I can see her today, right?” Siwon looks a Jenna. “Just from afar, she doesn’t have to know that I’m here. I just want to see her..” he adds after see an expression in Jenna’s face that clearly not a blessing face.

 

“That what changes the plan. She just flew to L.A. few hours ago and will not return here until few hours before the presentation. So that’s why we thought it’s better for you to stay at our house, Nara’s, Hyerin’s and mine. Because she’s not there.”

 

“She’s in L.A..?”

 

“Yeah...”

 

“You sure she didn’t do that to avoiding me again?”

 

Jenna tries to recall every Nara’s gesture that might be a sign she flew to L.A. to avoided Siwon.

 

“No, she really had no idea you’re here. Hyerin said maybe she got anxious about her presentation/talk and need to see her boyfriend..” opps.. Jenna scrunches her face, realizing her mistake, not being able to looks Siwon on the face.

 

They arrived at upper west side, with a nice row of houses not too long after that, and Jenna lead the way out off the car.

 

Siwon looks up as soon as he got his bag out of the trunks. It’s not even an apartment, it’s a brownstone for god sake. “You live here??”

 

“Yes. Nara, Hyerin and me. Sometime, some people from the office also sleep here. But most of the time it just the three of us. It’s actually her house alone. But she didn’t want to live all by herself in this big house, but also didn’t want to live in a tiny apartment too. So here we are.” After climbing a small amount of beautiful steps, Jenna open the front door.

 

“She picked this house on her own?” Although the interior paint is something near beige, like her old apartment in seoul. But the ambience is nothing near her old apartment.

 

This house is so warm. Paintings and photographs are everywhere. The furnitures although mostly have wooden element, they’re not uniformed, some of them are even an antiques, the others contemporary. But they’re perfectly fit with each other. One side of the room has the unfinished red bricks wall, side by side with the clean crisp beige painted wall. If you wish for a traditional New York townhouse, with a touch of modernism. This is the perfect example.

 

“Yes. Of course. She chose it herself, bought it by herself, got too much involved in the renovation process. She helped her mom to buy a property on the other side, but Nara doesn’t want to live there. Too lavish, she said.”

 

They walk inside, while Jenna keep explaining about the house to Siwon. “Downstair is half office half warehouse. This is the kitchen and dining place. We can eat here tonight, or in the garden if you want to. The living room is upstair. You can use these areas leisurely.”

 

“It’s so western.. having this big kitchen as soon as you walk into the house.”

 

“Hmm.. it’s actually Nara’s design. We searched a lot of house before this one, and none of them satisfied Nara’s love for the kitchen. Anyway.. Do you want to stay here or I’ll just show you your room?”

 

“Hmm, room please..”

 

Siwon remember the first apartment that both him and Nara went to, when she was looking for one. It has a large and nice kitchen, Nara was vaguely hinting that she like that. But she eventually pick the second one as soon as I told her I like the view from the big window.

 

Both of them walk upstairs. “This is Nara’s room, right there is Hyerin’s. That’s our working room next to the living room. Mine and yours are upstair.”

 

Siwon froze a second when he sees her room. The door is wide opened.

 

Jenna slows down a little when he sensed that Siwon is looking at Nara’s room.

 

“Hyerin will be here in another 2 hours, oppa. Do you want to take a rest now before dinner or do you want me to accompany you to where ever you want to go?”

 

“No.. don’t mind me. If you need to work on something just do it, I’ll be fine.”

 

Jenna shows Siwon his room. “My boss is out of town anyway. A little slack off will be fine.” Siwon puts his belonging and sits on his bed. But it’s look like Siwon gets no intention of stand up from the bed anytime soon, so Jenna walks away to the door. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me oppa. The fridge is filled with everything you might need. We also have coffee machine. Just check it if you want something. Have a nice rest.” Jenna then left his room.

 

 

 

Siwon actually come down half an hour later when he hears a commotion. Jenna is following someone walks inside Nara’s room with confused face so siwon is trailing away.

 

“So why did you fly to L.A. just hours before your big day and leave me with tons of errands?? Won’t your boyfriend going to fly here anyway??”

 

Siwon peeks through the open door to find Jenna is looking for something under Nara’s vanity drawer and Hyerin sits on her bed.

 

The moment his head is inside Nara’s room, suddenly, whether he’s imagining things or it really is, he could smell the familiar scent of her perfume. And he couldn’t help himself but walking inside.

 

The sunlight brighten the whole room. There’s a big painting on the wall, a beautiful sunset on hills. Her vanity looks like a piece of expensive antique work, and so does the bed, but everything else it’s a simple cut minimalist furniture.

 

Everything placed inside this room feels like Nara. It’s warm, unique, sentimental, functional but artsy..

 

Wait.. what? this is room is so Nara? Then what about her room in Seoul? The room that contrary to this room..

 

‘Wooaaaaaa!!’ Hyerin is screaming without a sound as soon as she sees Siwon. ‘Wait wait!’ She’s pointing at her phone.

 

“Okay, Jenna found it. I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning. Get some rest! See you!” Hyerin talked to the phone again then hangs it up. “Oppaaa!!!” She runs to Siwon’s hug. “We haven’t met for so long! How are you?? How’s the army? Why are you so skinny??”

 

Siwon laughs, still can’t take his eyes from the the whole room. “Am I? You look beautiful as always..”

 

“Of course..” Hyerin holds Siwon’s hand and walks out of the room. Siwon looks back, reluctantly following Hyerin to the living room. “I made you a coffee.” Then she talk to Jenna, “Nara catches a cold. She will arrived really early tomorrow, straight to the office. Then we’ll heading to the venue from there. You just stay here with oppa. But please remind me to buy a coffee for her. She said she need that.”

 

“She caught a cold why would she needs coffee?” Siwon asks. “Just give her ginger tea.. I’ll make one for her.”

 

Jenna exchanges glance with Hyerin. “Oookay..” say both of them in unison.

 

“Should we going somewhere oppa?” Asks Jenna.

 

“What would you like to eat?” Adds Hyerin.

 

“Nothing.. I could just stay here. Both of you can do your work.” Siwon grabs his coffee.

 

“Ani..” Hyerin gets frustrated. “I mean, we can recommend a fine restaurant while you’re here.”

 

“I don’t feel like eating out.. but you guys just go.. I’ll be here, don’t worry.”

 

Hyerin and Jenna look at each other. Huffing.

 

The three of them finally continue to talk in the kitchen.

 

“When we picked her up the first time she flew here after the incident, she was sooo fragile. I expected her to be angry with me because of our fight, but she didn’t even had the energy even just to talk to us. She’s being professional for the photoshoot, at the day after that, but then after all of that was done, she came back to her boneless self.” Hyerin drinks her coffee.

 

“She was just lying on the bed or sofa for several days at my place. And the first thing she did when she finally get out of the house, was buying an earthward jars.” Jenna is pointing at the row of earthward jars at the backyard. Siwon’s laughing. He heard this story about hundreds times from Hyerin every times they call each other and talk about Nara, but this is the first time he ever see the evidences. The rows of different sized earthward jars like in the home of middle age ajjuma. He smiles.

 

“She thought she was the 6th generation of soy sauce brewery or something!! For god sake, she was so obsessed with being her complete self. After cooked her whole food, she wanted to make her own condiments. Thank god we didn’t have to dry up the whole ocean because she wanted to made salt on her own.”

 

“The Korean ajjumas were swarming this place when one of the jar for makgeolli was done.”

 

“We have to admit it, the makgeolli was delicious..” Hyerin said that excitedly. But Siwon just smiles, subtly.

 

Jenna prop her head on the bar table, looking at Siwon. She knows Siwon must be feeling so down right now, but she never expected him to be looking so depressed like this.

 

The way he talks, walks, sits, even his expression is nothing like what he was when she saw him few years ago.

 

She wants to help him to talk about it. But her first attempt this morning met the dead end.

 

The three of them sit on the bar stool. Hyerin is leanings on the chair, chest wide open, talks so excitedly. While Siwon is wearing his black long sleeve shirt and black jeans. A combination of clothes that usually made him look mighty, but now somehow look meek. He sits rather hunching, with an expression no one could read. He’s not the powerful Siwon that Jenna used to know.

 

The silence is saved when then the bell rings. “Oh that must be my boyfriend! I told him to buy meat. Actually Nara already braised an enormous amount of meat yesterday, but it’s for the party after the talk. I couldn’t stand her nagging if she found out we used some of that for today..” Hyerin shaking her head by the imagination of Nara’s nagging tone. “Let’s grill some beef! So you can taste Nara’s self preserve gochujang, doenjang, and soy sauce!”

 

Jenna and Hyerin’s boyfriends join the three. The girls call them to have barbecue dinner at home.

 

Five of them grill the meat in the backyard. This medium size backyard have a outdoor sofa, a griller, two lush apple trees, flower bushes and edible garden patches.

 

Jenna’s boyfriend on the griller with Jenna preparing the meat, while Hyerin’s boyfriend just sit on the sofa with Hyerin on his lap, kissing in front everybody. Siwon is busy looking around.

 

Jenna brings one piece of grilled meat and feeds Siwon.

 

“Ya! You give the first bite to Siwon while your boyfriend grilled it for you??” Hyerin scolds Jenna.

 

Siwon laughs until he choked. And the others laugh too. That’s make him laugh harder. This might be the first time he laughed since arrived here.

 

“So you’re here to watch Nara’s Ted Talk tomorrow?” Asks Jenna’s boyfriend.

 

“If.. I’m allowed too..” Siwon glances at Hyerin as if he asked for her permission.

 

“Of course, we already safe you a seat..” hyerin glances at Siwon back.

 

After done grilling, Jenna’s boyfriend sits between Jenna and Siwon. Like he wants to separate them.

 

“Yaa.. he even dated the Victoria’s secret model but not interested in her. So you can just leave them be, siwon won’t be interested in Jenna whatsoever.”

 

“Whatttt????” Hyerin’s boyfriend got shocked. “Wait.. I thought you are Nara’s ex.”

 

“He is.” Answer Jenna and Hyerin in unison.

 

“But dudeeee..”

 

“You really dated a Victoria’s secret model?? Who??” Asks Jenna’s boyfriend.

 

Both of their boyfriends leans forward, expecting his answer.

 

While Jenna and Hyerin take the identical action, crossing their arm and lean backward to the sofa. Pointing their chin up and waiting for Siwon’s answer like they can instantly kill Siwon if he answered it wrong.

 

Siwon is trying to hold his laughter when he looks back at the boys. “I didn’t.. it just for the reality show. They paired me with Lie Wen. That’s all.”

 

“But still... Why are you looking for Nara when you can hit the Victoria’s Secret model??” Asks Hyerin boyfriend.

 

Which resulted a big punch from Hyerin.

 

“Whyy?? She is as pretty as her, she just doesn’t do modeling.. I like Nara better though..” Siwon said that innocently.

 

Hyerin exchange strange looks with Jenna.

 

“If you like her better, then..” Hyerin secretly teases Siwon.

 

“So what do you do now?” Asks Jenna’s boyfriend, unconsciously cutting him out from talk about Nara.

 

“I was just finishing a Korean drama a few weeks before I came here..” Siwon and the boys are getting to know each other. Talking about their job and sports. But after a while, the boyfriends went into the house to play video games which Siwon politely declined. So now he just sits on the sofa with the girls.

 

“So.. What brings you here oppa?” Asks Hyerin.

 

“Hmm, you know..” Siwon avoids Hyerin piercing stare. “I came here all the time and always contacted you two.. but..”

 

“But you never got the chance to met Nara..?”

 

“Yes that’s one of the reasons.” He still busy looking around. “Can you eat that apple?” He got distracted, by looking at the apple tree.

 

“Yes, you can.” Undistracted, Hyerin continues. “You always came here with suju or with manager for events. But what with all of these you coming here alone, like meeting Nara is your single purpose..?” Pushes Hyerin.

 

Siwon draws a deep sigh. “Because I think I really need to see her.”

 

“.. for what?” Hyerin is questioning Siwon but looks at Jenna to ask for her support to bring up such a sensitive issue. “I mean.. I know you need to see her, but I believe it got nothing to do with getting back together, does it?”

 

“Of course not..” Siwon shakes his head. More like convincing himself to that statement.

 

“So why you were kinda disappointed when I said she’s dating someone.. and now you look so..”

 

“Down.” Adds Jenna. “Trust us oppa, we’re here. And our sole intention is just to help you.”

 

Siwon looks at Jenna. Caught the sincerity in her eyes.

 

“But other than helping you to get here and arrange a meeting with Nara behind her back, we have no idea of what we should do.”

 

“I.. think.. I need to ask forgiveness from her. I’m at the point that I need to make peace with myself. And I’m missing that one puzzle piece of my unfinished business with Nara.” Siwon closes his eyes and draws another big sigh. “Really. Swear to god, that’s my only intention. But as soon as I was packing up, wondering what clothes that she would like, and arriving here, looking at the environment where she usually lives. I can’t help it but miss her again. But then the reality that she flew to L.A. to see her boyfriend kinda hit me hard. She used to do that for me, and now she do that for someone else.. what the hell did I do here?” Siwon sips his beer again. “That’s happening in a few rounds until now. And I just kinda losing my mind now..”

 

“Ani.. waee?” Hyerin hugs Siwon’s arm.

 

“Just think about how this could get you made peace with yourself..”

 

“Yeah.. but I couldn’t help thinking about how she already move on, doing great with her life, getting through storm like a badass girl. While I was here, looking pathetic..”

 

Hyerin leans on Siwon’s arm while thinking what actually happened just a couple of days before Siwon asked Hyerin to meet Nara.

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

Nara put the smoothies bowls she made in front of Hyerin and Jenna while biting her lips. The other two ready to pigged out on those bowls, but Hyerin could see Nara sits uncomfortably.

 

“Why? Are you feeling unwell? You have dark circle on your eye, did you notice that?”

 

“Really?” Nara looked at her reflection on the fridge. She cleared and said. “Guys..”

 

Jenna looked up and could sensed something was wrong. She tried to think about the last meeting, but that seemed run pretty well. So what’s this?

 

“You know.. I’ve been questioning my relationship with Sun for quite long time.. He wanted to tagged along to Hong Kong for the charity dinner in a couple of weeks and then transit to Seoul to meet up with our parent. I’ve been avoiding him, saying that my parent would meet me at Hong Kong then they’ll fly here with me. Because I’m not ready to meet his parent. Meeting them would be like a confirmation that I promise them to take care of their son, while I’m not sure yet.. If we ever break up someday, breaking his heart will be a mess, I don’t want to broke his parent's hearts too..”

 

“Why are you taking for granted that they will like you too? They could be celebrating your break up because you’re too banana for their beloved son.” Hyerin said in between her chewing.

 

“Ahh.. that’s right.” Nara laughs. “But anyway. I.. actually.. didn’t want to tell you this but things get heavier on my mind..”

 

“What is it? Spill it.” Asks Jenna. Letting down her spoon and stop eating.

 

“A week ago, I dreamt of Siwon oppa, in three consecutive days.. In my dream, we just walk around the city for the whole day. Many things going on, we talk like a lot, pulling jokes on each other. Like a normal things we did when we’re together. I woke up and realized, it’s more than a year since I’m with Sun, not to mention other guys that I’ve dated in the past few years, but I never had the depth of interactions like I had with Siwon oppa. I never willing to do things for them, I never get excited as I got with oppa.. I never love them as I loved him..”

 

“Maybe you’re not there yet with Sun oppa, or just miss Siwon oppa..” Jenna pushed Nara’s bowl toward her. Nara haven’t eat a bit, and they’re getting late.

 

“I am.. missing him.”

 

Hyerin and Jenna stopped what they’re doing. It’s the first time Nara ever talk about Siwon since she stepped her first step on The States.

 

Ever.

 

And now she’s talking about being doubtful with her current boyfriend and had a dream about Siwon. Even admitted that she misses him. Both of her friends find it.. shocking.

 

“The next day I had another dream, i dreamt that I’m texting oppa because I said I had a dream about him last night. (It’s so *ucked up isn’t it???) I told him about my dream and he apologized because he had disappointed me. That he will never be the one that I wanted him to be. And he’s saying that things are hard because I’m not around too. He bet i know by now that the chemistry we had it’s not that kind of chemistry that we can find in other people once every year. He wanted to meet me. He said he doesn’t care who each other are dating, he just wanted to met and see things from there. But then I woke up, I wanted to hit my head on the wall. Who the hell am I kidding to, he’s dating that model for God sake he doesn’t even have time to remember me!”

 

He does.. Answered Hyerin in her heart.

 

“And I had another dream too, in the next day. In my dream, he called me, but he’s agonizing about something and begging me to come to him. To help him. I ran, got into a car, then over speeding, and then flew with an airplane as fast as I could toward him. It’s was like I’m on every transportation vehicle so I could go to him as fast as I can. I was so panic, I woke up crying.”

 

“Maybe because you heard about him having hard time..” Jenna rubbed Nara’s hand.

 

“I never heard of it at first. I didn’t even know he’s off the military. You know I always tried not to know everything in the Korean Entertainment world. But I finally googled about that right after I woke up... But it’s not like he needs me to console him anyway. I can’t do anything for him. He didn’t need me all these years.”

 

“But Nara ya.. He was looking for you right after he arrived in Seoul, because he had no idea you went here for good. Don’t you think every attempt he made to see you here were signs that he did need to see you?”

 

“No.. he did that out of courtesy, just because he’s in the same town.” Nara looks down.”He didn’t want to be with me. Every attempt after that was really, for courtesy sake.. I guess that what he thought is good for him to move on with his life..” she’s about to shed a tear. “Ahh.. never mind. Maybe I’m on my pms or something.” She ate her strawberry in her smoothies and looked away from Jenna and Hyerin. But Jenna stood up and hugged her. Then Nara cried hard on her shoulder, sobbing hard like not even her closest friends ever witnessed.

 

That’s the first time she ever cry since she got up from bed and start making the condiment and cook for herself, and got herself together.

 

And Siwon called Hyerin just days after that.. saying that he needed to ask forgiveness from Nara to make peace with his mind.

 

That also the first time since Nara moved here, that Siwon clearly stated he needed to see Nara.

 

The first time for the freaking three years they ever admitted that the break up cause them the end of the world.

 

Either their telepathy game is strong, or the universe just playing their part.

 

What the universe is up to?

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

“I never contacted her because I thought that was good for her. Because that clearly what she wanted. She flew so far from home, she need to get away from all of our problems. And the way she ended things up with me was a clean cut. I didn’t want to cross the border line that she made. But now that I.. felt like I just lose my country. I know, that being not contacted like being ignored.. And that adds the sorrow..”

 

Jenna breathes out heavily. “How’s your feeling about that oppa? Lose your country.”

 

“I..” Siwon laughs cynically. “It’s not the first time I absent from a comeback performance. Usually I can’t joint because the schedule won’t let me. But being unable to join the group because the public didn’t want me, feels like.. unwanted. Like.. abandoned. Like.. hell. Being a celebrity is not only a career by now. It’s my identity.”

 

Hyerin pats Siwon’s arm.

 

“That’s why I know that it must be really hard for Nara. She’s literary lost everything. Kyuhyun kept telling me, she’s doing great here. I used to buy it. Because I believed she’s doing great. But now I know for sure, doing great in job is one thing, having your heart broken is another..”

 

“And right now, you thought being involved in scandal and need to made peace to yourself by meeting Nara are one thing and having your heart incomplete and yearning for her are another?” Asks Jenna. She reads what between his lines.

 

“Uh..” Siwon answers it silently.

 

Hyerin looks at Siwon with her eyes full of pity.

 

“Dealing with guilt to the deceased’s family because they’d lost their loved one, to Suju because I failed their comeback, to Nara because I ruined her life are overwhelming. Like the sky is falling above me. But went through it all without her, missing her and couldn’t do anything about that, like I have no ground to standing on.”

 

“Aww.. oppa..”

 

“I don’t know that you ever felt that way about her..”

 

“Met her at that time in Hong-Kong feels like, woah she’s real, the kind of girl that I always imagine ended up with, is real. I was really fascinated by her. After that we both misunderstood each other intention because of our mothers, it felt too good to be true that she actually felt the same. But when we finally open up to each other, there’s no other way but to fall for her.. and when I knew she also committed to our relationship, I took it for granted that she will always be by my side, it’s like I knew for sure she’d be my wife. Maybe that’s what break the remains of my heart, when I heard that she’s dating someone else, and now found out that that relationship is pretty serious. It’s like the final verdict, I lost her, and we never gonna be together, ever again.”

 

“Oppa...”

 

“Nara..” is as sad as you are “.. misses you too. She just never admitted it to you.”

 

“Not as much as I do. I missed her so so much. Like every sad song is her, happy song is also her. It’s her that I wanted to share my happiness, and it’s also her that I wanted to talk about my sorrow.”

 

“So your song was about her, right? The one you wrote.” Asks Jenna.

 

“Of course.. every single words.” Siwon smiles

 

“Oh yeah!! I told you it’s Nara!!” Jenna says to Hyerin..

 

“Who said otherwise? I just told you that maybe oppa’s choice of song in SuJu latest concert before oppa’s army service might be for the fans.. or Liu Wen. It must be not for our Nara.” Answer Hyerin with a heavy satire tone.

 

Siwon laughs. This crazy ex-girlfriend again.. “Trust me, it’s only her, for these whole 3 years. I miss her more during my army service. I stalked her like.. everyday. I looked at her Instagram, watched your videos that featured her and that damn Jay Park music video. To the extend.. you know the talk that the government watching you through your laptop camera or your phone.. I was heavily considering to ask around if I could buy an access to hack her front camera.”

 

Jenna’s jaw drops.

 

“Mwoyaaaa!!!! Pyungtae!!!!” Whattt!!!! ert!!!! Hyerin hits Siwon’s arm. “You’re not Byun Hyuk*! You’re Pyungtae oppa!!!” *It’s Siwon’s name on his latest drama.

 

“I had an idea to ask you to put a cctv on your living room, but ok.. Now that you would react just like that, I’ll just give in before even ask you to.”

 

“God!! Safe our Nara!” Hyerin is pretending to lean away from Siwon.

 

Siwon scoffs.

 

“That’s how much I miss her. I even come here a few times before my army days. Met you guys, but never met her..”

 

“That because she always run away to different country whenever you’re here.” Jenna remember suddenly Nara wanted to go to Japan for a few days for a research sake, when Suju had schedule in NY. And came home in a week with a new big luggage filled with linen clothing.

 

They are subtly laughing for a moment.

 

"But Jay Park.. Really?" Siwon looks suspiciously to Jenna and Hyerin.

 

Both are laughing at his jealousy. "They knew each other for a while. It’s not like he hit her during the shoot like in the music video.”

 

 

"But.. The dance and the lyrics were too.. y."

 

"If that were too y, you should watch when they had dance practice together. That was.." Hyerin teases Siwon.

 

"What?"

 

Jenna tried to stop her teases the poor man. "No.. Theye're just a good friend. He contacted our friend in L.A. he wanted to make a casual music video there. They appointed us (well, Nara to be exact) to be the art director but ended up had her as the model. Because the storyline was just about his business traveling and her as the art director.. but then he liked her and things like that."

 

"But she.. danced."

 

Hyerin laughs, "You taught her to dance.."

 

"It's just one verse and it's Sorry Sorry, everybody can dance Sorry Sorry.. But she learned that dance move in L.A. for him."

 

 

"The studio was there. Beside, they weren't just practicing the dance routine, they were literally spent 72 hours together.. at the studio.. at the shooting site.. at the hotel.. She really wanted a tattoo at that time, did she show him which part of her body to be tattoed..?"

 

 

"Isshh!" Jenna is shooting eyes to the laughing Hyerin. "No oppa. That time.. she was just willing to do everything out of her routine, to pushed out of her boundary, her safety box. She took cooking class, made jars of gochujang, join equestrian, spending few weeks in Greece for volunteering. In this case, dance class in L.A. was considered 'mild' oppa.." Jenna is still a fan of Siwon.

 

"Aah.." Siwon's backing up.

 

 

"Wonder why I didn't push her harder when we knew Park Sajangnim had a crush on her.. Aigoo.. What a loss." Hyerin avoids Jenna's punch. "He threw the best party, surrounded by cool people (I could be hooked up with Gray too), not to mention really y, but he know how to treat woman right. They matched each other perfectly. CEO of AOMG for god sake.. ck ck.."

 

"Yaa!! Don't you think i also have that quality?" Siwon almost got angry.

 

 

"Show her then.." Hyerin walks away to the kitchen to bring more beers and food while still laughing. Jenna left alone with Siwon.

 

 

”Actually, Jay and the music video meant a lot for her. Hyerin as the one who really understood how broken hearted she was, probably felt as grateful as Nara to Jay.”

 

 

Siwon nods. “What the story behind it? I mean.. as far as I know, she’s not someone who wants to be under the spotlight. And she had no acquaintance in entertainment world.”

 

 

”Hmm.. We met Jay at the club when I was in Seoul at the same time as the first time I met you. Then we accidentally met him again at L.A. after he attended some festival, our friends threw a dinner for him that we’re also in. And he heard from our friends that she was ‘abandoned’ from the country. I guess that story felt familiar for Jay so they had a deep talk about that. After that he always sent invitation to parties that he’s in, or met up whenever they’re in the same city. And Jay always appreciated Nara’s paintings and sense of art, so Hyerin kinda pushed the idea for Nara and Jay to collaborate in something. She brought up photo shoot, but Jay wanted a bigger things for them, so music video it was.”

 

 

Siwon feels bad, imagining her state at that point. I never even do something for her.

 

”So Nara’s diligently practiced dance routines for days and appeared beautifully in his music video was a payback for his supports.”

 

 

”He’s like so busy yet still spare time for her as a friends. I didn’t even..”

 

 

“Well.. you are doing it right now.” Jenna rubs Siwon’s knee. “But how things be different? You’ll be okay with your career after this, i believe in that. But with Nara.. you’re facing the whole same situation all over. Both of you miss each other right now, but will will have the same problem if you ever dating her again.”

 

“I don’t know that it’s a foolishly optimistic that I always thought long distance is actually the right answer for us. She won't be disturbed. Both of us can focus on our dream. And we actually can reach out whenever each of us wanted to meet. With her parent still live there and I often fly to US, we can still see each other while keep it low in front of the public eyes.” But then Siwon closes his eyes for a second and laughs. “Look at my brain couldn’t stop thinking of something that wouldn’t even come true.”

 

Jenna pats his shoulder slowly. She really wanted to tell him that Nara is not quite sure about Sun so he has to step up the game to get her back. But what if that won’t happen, it’ll just added the scar to siwon not-yet-healed scars.

 

“Let’s just focusing on bringing the sky back. Okay oppa?”

 

Siwon looks at her, smiling.

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

“Oh my god!! Do you think it’ll be an additional point if you showed up at the talk with the ‘I haven’t slept last night’ kind of face? Where’s Sun? Why did he not put a bit of extra self defense to take a sleep instead of.. whatever you guys did last night. Where is he?” Hyerin starts her day by nagging to Nara who’s she just picked up from the airport.

 

“He won’t come. Let’s just drive to the office. And by the way, I flew here midnight, L.A. time, I spent the night literally on the plane. We didn’t have time for whatever you imagined we did.” Nara tightens her seatbelt and puts on her sunnies again.

 

"Well, that’s because you choose to fly there, one day before your talk. But, hey.. I picked you up. Out of our original schedule. I did all of that without saying a thing.. Could you just get rid of your bish face."

 

Nara breathes out loudly and forces a smile at Hyerin.

 

"That's better." Hyerin drives slowly. “Why is Sun oppa not coming to your big day? Is that why you went there?”

 

“I went there to tell him not to come.”

 

“Are you too nervous? Why wouldn’t you do it via phone??”

 

“I can’t broke up with him and told him not to come to my talk by phone.. I’m not that heartless..” She coolly leans back her seat and rests.

 

“Whaatttt?????” Hyerin hits the break forcefully. Nara is thrown forward and her sunglasses slipped through her nose and fall to the car’s floor. Hyerin who spent most of her time speak in English even with Nara here, blurred out in Korean. "Now?? Don't you want to keep your condition prime until the talk?? With prime I mean none of fly to L.A. round trip in a day last minute and not getting enough sleep, and.. break up too?"

 

"I can't talk about being a your true self on such a big event, and will be posted on youtube, that lasted forever, without being honest to myself." Nara picks up her sunnies.

 

"I mean, I know you're not sure about Sun oppa and all of that.. but..” her tone suddenly went down. “Aahh it was all done though. What are you gonna do next?"

 

"Talk?" Nara laughs.

 

Hyerin too, while shaking her head over and over again. “Michinnyeon..” crazy witch..

 

"Ah! The coffee spilled! It's not closed properly." Nara holds up a tumbler that placed on the cup holder before. "Hmm, smell like.."

 

"Honey ginger tea. You said you catch a cold, don't drink coffee for this time being. Someone made this ginger tea. And it's not closed properly so it won't be too hot for you to drink."

 

"Woow.. How thoughtful." Nara clutches on the tumbler. It's warm. She drink a little. After a long cold night alone, being a cold hearted woman, how can a sip of a tea make everything warmer? Like everything is going to be okay..

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

"Woah.. Considered today is your holiday, how can you still diligently jogging in the morning?" Asks Jenna as soon as Siwon get walks down to the kitchen after getting ready.

 

"Habit I guess. I got a lot in my mind too.. And your neighborhood is soo picturesque." He looks at the kitchen table.

 

"Indeed..”

 

“I wanted to run around here every day.”

 

“Just move here already. But before that.. Chaa.. Let's have a breakfast." Jenna shows off a full korean breakfast on the table. There are few preserve bancans, eggs, and a simple soup on the table.

 

"You made all of these?? You guys have this kind of breakfast every morning?" Siwon widen his eyes. The soup caught his attention, a clear soup with a little bean sprouts. Just like Nara's soup. It's not like ordinary bean sprout soup, Nara just put a small amount of bean sprout, but the seasoning for the soup is to die for.

 

"Hmm.. The kimchi is from my mom, nara made the whole other side dishes on the weekend, also the mother broth. I just heated the soup and frieded the eggs, I don't know how you like it though. I made it sunny side up."

 

"I like every egg, really. Thank you so much to prepare this such feast..”

 

Jenna’s lips curve into a teasing smile. Like the egg but he’s eyeing the other banchans with such proud smile.

 

Siwon try the spinach first, the egg, then braised beef, and finally the soup. He breathes out in relieve. This taste. Taste like home.

 

“But Jenna ya.. Should I move out to hotel tonight? Nara will be here today. And I’m not sure if..”

 

“You now we’ll have a tinny party today, don’t you think it’s better for you to stay. So maybe you can talk to her before the party, or all night during the party too. Or if she will be too preoccupied, you can talk at the morning before you go back to Seoul.. it’s easier for you to stay here.”

 

Siwon feels become too whiny if he said no, so he just continues his breakfast.

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

Nara walks around her office to recite the presentation she’ll going to give, just two hours from now. She already passed Hyerin, who lying on the couch scrolling through the report sheet, for the fifty eighth times.

 

“Should you catch some sleep before the event? There’re still like few hours left. ” Asks Hyerin.

 

“No, I made the whole ambience in this office vibrant  so people won’t feel sleepy. I’m not feeling sleepy at all..” Nara open her laptop instead. “Or should I go home. I can’t concentrate on doing anything else.”

 

“What?? No no no.” Siwon’s there! “We don’t have time. Just sit here with me. Doing nothing while waiting for the make up artist. All the presentation slide and video are done, you already recited your speech like for a thousand times! You’ll be okay.. trust me.”

 

Nara finally grabs her tumbler and sits on the couch. Hyerin is uncrossing her legs, slightly slanted towards Nara.

 

“Do you feel like wanted to cry, right now?” Asks hyerin slowly.

 

“No!! Why should I?” Nara’s leaning away from Hyerin.

 

“Ehm, because you’re just getting a break up??”

 

“Ah. Yes.. but no.” She gets back to her original position and just drinks her ginger tea serenely.

 

“How did Sun accepted it? What did you said to him?”

 

“He faced It adult-like. That’s kinda make me hesitating a bit because he’s such a calm and mature guy. When I said that I wasn’t sure of us, he kinda knew it’d coming. Because he said I’m not giving my all, he tried his best to ignite our relationship and to help me made peace with my past. But he respects my decision, and will give me time and space. Because he knows I need that. Also he said feel free to contact him if I changed my mind, he’ll wait for a while.”

 

“I’m actually torn.. like I feel bad for him. He such a nice guy, that really taking a great care of you. But in other hand I believe you deserve that spark though. You deserve to meet someone that you’ll die to love him and vice versa.”

 

Nara nods to Hyerin words.

 

“So what are you going to do next?” Asks Hyerin.

 

“I need to be honest with myself. I have to face the world. I think I’ll begin with.. stay at Seoul for a few days after I went to Hong Kong for the Bazaar charity. I need to see Siwon Oppa. I don’t know what I’m going to say to him, I just think I need to see him.”

 

Hyerin’s heart skip a beat. “And then what?”

 

Nara smiles to Hyerin like she could read her mind. When that’s not what Hyerin had in mind. “Nooo.. I won’t try to reconcile or whatever. It’s just, we hurt each other. That cost us heart breaks and traumas, and I think I owned him an apology. But for me I also need to forgive him. Although maybe we already did that in our heart, i just think we need to see each other to say what’s on our mind. That way, when I met someone new, I’ll be outgrow that trauma and ready for a new life. And also, I’m a bit afraid that he might be not in a good place right now, because of the scandal..”

 

“Yes, he’s not. But what if meeting him hurt you again.. or might get both of you getting back together again.”

 

“It’s not like I’m hoping we can getting back, but I’m open with both option. I can’t run from this forever. I might be hurt all over again, but then I’ll be healed. I won’t avoid my own country just because I’m afraid that I might bump into him. I will read Korean news portal or magazine not afraid that I might see his marriage announcement somewhere.. I want to at least neutralize his presence in this world. We may couldn’t be friends like me and Jay, but I don’t want him to be my enemy, feel bitter toward him or whatever you call it. I will open my heart fully to the next guy, without afraid of falling in love again.”

 

“Why do you compare Siwon oppa and Jay? Do you really.. Wait.. Which Jay?”

 

”Kim of course. I couldn’t even imagine why would Jay Park considered to be in this conversation.”

 

”It’s because we... talked about him last night.” She’s carefuly choose her words not to mention Siwon is in her house right now. “Hmm.. but that because Jay Kim is a prick. He can sleep with any girl and act all friendly with her the next day.”

 

“That! I don’t want to be bitter like you with Jay whenever Siwon oppa is mentioned.”

 

“I’m not bitter!!” Hyerin spits out, bitterly.

 

“There you go..” Nara laughs. “I don’t know what to do if Siwon oppa act the same way you act to Jay to me though..”

 

“He won’t. He regularly paid a visit to your parent in this past few years though, he won’t be like me to Jay.”

 

“Why did he met up with my parents??”

 

“Go ask him by yourself.. He said you met his parent too. ” Nara scrunched her forehead. “Anyway.. If you ever getting back? You know, when the first time you’re getting serious with being more than a friend with Siwon Oppa, I was kinda against it. Because I knew you would be hurt somehow. And even if you can talk with him and solve your past problem now, and then fall in love with each other again, what make it different than the previous relationship that you had?”

 

“I was extremely insecure the whole time when I’m with him. I was split between disturbed by the attention I got from his fans, and underrated when no one knows I’m his girlfriend. Between wanted to be supportive to all of his work and felt not like a girlfriend but fan instead. But now, not that I get over all of my insecurities, but i accept me as I am. I don’t want his fans knows about me, at all. I’ll support my boyfriend as much as I can because I’ll love him, but I won’t violate my own right while doing that. And I don’t care if everyone belittle me because I’m not a part of his celebrity world. I don’t belong to the celebrity world, but I manage a small clothing brand, that’s what I want to do in life, not being an idol. While Siwon Oppa want to be as influential as he can by being a celebrity, so he can spread goodness after that. We have to know exactly what each other’s responsibilities, and try to respect it, not dismiss it. Support each other, but not take over the other responsibilities. I’ll prioritizing what important for both of us, and put the other on the background.”

 

“But he’s still a celebrity.. Wasn’t that your previous relationship’ main issue?”

 

“I know. And I was kinda forgetting that fact, whenever we had a problem. I was taking for granted that we see it from the same point of view when we’re actually not. When we broke up he said that he did all of going-to-gala-things to made me more acceptable for his fans and members, at that moment I failed to understand, that that was the right thing for him to do. For him, as a celebrity, that’s the only way to solved the problem. Getting more exposure. While for me that was an insult. But now I should’ve known better that whatever he did, he did it for our sake. But he also just a human that made mistake so I should be more proactive in give out my opinion of what I think things should be done in my way, rather than trust him all the way but criticized him at the end of the day..” Nara than leans back. “I mean, I learned all of that, but it still doesn’t mean that I have to implement the knowledge for my relationship with Siwon Oppa only.. I implemented it with Sun and a row of guys I used to date shortly before Sun. Also with my next relationship, whoever it might be with..”

 

“Ehm.. okay.”

 

“Also, there’s a big chances that he’s still in relationship with whoever she is. That model. And I’m preparing myself to convey my sincere wish that I’m happy for him. Like I said, I have to emphasize this to you again and again. The only purpose of meeting him is to forgive each other. To thankful for whatever we’ve been through. So we we’ve been able to move on with our life, individually. That’s it.”

 

“Oookay..” Says Hyerin without looking at Nara.

 

“Don’t ‘oookay’ me. That’s true!”

 

“I’m not saying it’s fake..”

 

“Your tone is!” Nara hits her lightly but slithers through Hyerin’s arm to lay her head on Hyerin’s arm.

 

Hyerin absentmindedly Nara’s hair. “Do you have any idea how’s your oppa is doing?”

 

Nara looks at far spaces. “Not so great I assume. I feel really bad for him.. His realm, is really not a healthy world to live in. It’s not his fault anyway.. but I bet the netizens who wrote so mean to him, don’t really empathize with the victim’s family. They might also had been slacking in taking care of their dog here and there. I bet they’re writing it without much thought, without foreseeing the effect of that comment to the person who’s they’re directed at.”

 

“Are you ready to be a part of that realm again?”

 

“He wanted to bring kindness to many people as possible. His role at UNICEF was secured by his career as a celebrity. So it’s not merely a job for him, it’s a part of him. If I ever wanted to be another part of him too, that’s one of the things I need to be adapted to.”

 

Siwon’s words echoed in Hyerin’s mind. Siwon Oppa was right.. she is his soulmate. She’s the one he needed for life. But is he the one she need?

 

“Now, after all this time. Do you ever want (even the slightest) to be a part of him again? Honestly?”

 

Nara looks outside of her window. “I guess, it’s more like, I still feel him as a part of my life.”

 

“Oookay..” Hyerin ruins the mood.

 

Nara pinches Hyerin’s lap strongly. “I said, don’t ‘Oookay’ me!!”

 

“Aah!! Aaa!!! Okay okay.. I’m sorry!!!”

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

“We’ll get there by uber oppa. I will order the black one so it will be comfortable enough for you. Or you prefer we call our office driver? But we only have the rover.”

 

“Don’t bother Jenna, I’m fine with anything.”

 

Siwon is helping Jenna rinse the dishes she already cleaned with soap before. Jenna then puts the cleaned dishes in the dishwasher. Just beside boxes of wines.

 

“You’re storing that much wine?”

 

“Oh no, that’s only for the party tonight.” Jenna’s laughing at Siwon’s shock expression.

 

“Aah..” Siwon is relieved. “But now Nara can drink coffee too, can’t she?”

 

“Yeah, although not like us, caffeine addict, sometime she just need it when she’s sleep deprived but had early morning meeting. Why?”

 

“Because few years ago, she couldn’t even drink coffee and alcohol.. but now she had a fancy coffee machine in her house, a ton of wines for the party, and even could make makgeolli on her own..”

 

“I guess she gained muscles in life.. is it a bad thing for you?” Jenna stops what she’s doing. “It doesn’t mean that she turns into alcoholic. She still can’t drink that much.. and sh..”

 

“No..” Siwon give her an assurance smile.

 

"It's not like I’m siding with her or something. I don't know why I'm so defensive.." Jenna smiles awkwardly.

 

Siwon smiles too. “It just kinda remind me, that one time I made her coffee for breakfast and she passed out at the office, the doctor said it’s acid reflux, because she didn’t have dinner the night before that and she drink the long black coffee that I made and didn’t had much time to have breakfast as well. She didn’t tell me, that her stomach was sensitive with coffee. I couldn’t remember she mention about she couldn’t drink coffee before we’re dating, but she drink anyway when I made her. She didn’t even tell me what the doctor said. I figure it out a year later, after she accidentally blurred out when we had an argument.”

 

“Yeah.. Nara could be too reserved. That foolish girl is really taking our feeling into whatever she’s doing. She probably didn’t want to make you sad not to drink the coffee because you already made one for her. It’s the same with all of her friend. But she’s getting better at relays her feeling to the other and not waiting until it blown out of proportion. Maybe because she speaks different language so she kinda become out of her character. But she’s way more introvert on college days thou. Or.. Maybe because we’re working together now. There’s no way we still got disagreement and continue to work on the same project together.”

 

"I wish I could work on the same project with her." Siwon turns off the faucet. Looking at remains water drop slowly to the sink

 

Jenna’s intently looking at Siwon. Her idol. Not like the other idols who had strong personalities and visible flaws they exposed to the public, Siwon’s image was actually sculpted perfectly. That ideal character of men, that meant to be idolize. Up until she found out that her best friend was actually dating her idol, and kiss her in on front of her, Jenna still thought that he’s just a handsome, well mannered guy, brought up from a decent household, devoted Christian, and an all-rounded hardworking entertainer. Even when Nara vented about her relationship problem, Jenna always thought that the only problem of dating him was because he’s a celebrity.

 

But ever since the dog scandal and he implicitly looking depressed, he somehow appeared more humane to her. He’s too got accident happened to him out of his control, he was too can receive hates, and hurt by it. He can look not as almighty and invincible like he usually does. Furthermore, with Nara on his mind, Jenna never even imagine that she’ll get the chance to see this side of Siwon. So vulnerable..

 

Jenna got nothing to say.

 

“I’m sorry Jenna, I didn’t mean to bring the mood down. I’m over it, I don’t know what just happened to me suddenly everything about her just went passed through my mind.”

 

“No, it’s okay oppa. I’m glad that you can talk about what’s in your mind.”

 

“Should I cancel my plan to meet her? Didn’t you said she’s very happy now.. what if I make her sad again? What if I’ll ruin her relationship.”

 

“Oppa, It’s not what I meant. She’s happy, she is. But it’s more like she’s happy with herself. She doesn’t need her relationship to made herself feeling fulfilled.” Jenna get really frustrated how to explain to Siwon that Nara’s is not sure about his boyfriend but she didn’t seems bothered by it. “And I believe she’ll see your true intention, and will facing you wisely.”

 

Siwon avoids Jenna’s eyes. “Or should I just wait here until she gets back home? I don’t want to ruin her talk of she ever knew I’m watching her.”

 

“Oppa.. you’re here already. Beside, we’ll blend with the crowd. It’ll be dark and no one will know you’re there. She will be the last speaker, so we should just come when it’s her time to speak and meet her when everybody left the room. I will be beside you. If things get out of controls, I’ll take the car, and bringing you back here.”

 

Siwon couldn’t hold his laugh. Jenna’s height is below his shoulder, shorter than Nara, she even got really nervous driving Siwon because she found him intimidating. How on earth will she protected Siwon if something ever happen?

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

“Ready?” Asks Hyerin. The staff from ted already told Nara to wait on the backstage.

 

“Wish me luck..” Nara stands up stealthily from her seat and waves goodbye to Hyerin.

 

 

 

•••

 

 

 

“Ready?” Asks Jenna as the car approaches the venue. Siwon nods. “She already started the talk, Hyerin said. So we’re safe to enter the dark audience seating area.”

 

“Okay, Jenna. Thanks for everything.” Siwon cover his lower part of the face with his scarf.

 

“Don’t mention it.” Both of them say thanks to the driver and get off the car into the venue.

 

Like Hyerin has reported, Nara’s talk is already started. The audience seating area lighting were already turn off. Siwon follows Jenna walks into their designated seat. While they’re walk shortly on the isle, Siwon could get a clear view of Nara on the stage.

 

Spot lights are shining upon her. All eyes on her, while Nara walks slowly to the other side of the stage, keep on talking. Apart from the black loafer shoe that Siwon once saw few years ago, he couldn’t really acknowledge anything else on her that he’s familiar with. Not even herself. With her medium long black hair let loose, Nara wears a 7/8 pencil khaki pants, a linen white shirt covered with a thick navy sweater.

 

A looks that Siwon never saw she put on.

 

But passionately explains by Nara through her talks, about where each article of clothing fabrics were made. “As a Korean but live in New York, I bought this pants like any other New Yorker here, on a retail store. At fifth ave. In order to fit in, to dress up like locals, and face the local climate just fine. I made a good choice right? Socially speaking, I blend in just fine, and it’s pretty comfortable to face the all four seasons as well. Good! I wear the pants in The States, that I bought in The States, that being sold in The States, produced in The States.. or.. wasn’t it?” Nara pauses for a second while looking at the audience teasingly.

 

After that she just explains about how her pants were made from a fabric made in china, bought and sew in South America until it made into the store. She tells the audience shortly about the social and ecological footprint, a mere pants has. Then she compares to the sweater she’s wearing. That was made in Australia. Knitted by middle age woman that already knitted for her whole life, with yarns that made right next to her house, run by third generation of yarn maker whose supplied from a nearby sheep farm. She then opens her sweater, (Followed by a uniform sounds of shock from the audience, and a large gasp from siwon) only to uncover the linen shirt under it.

 

She then explains about her Japanese linen shirt, basically all vegetation fabric type. From a flax fiber until weaved into a sheet on a local weaver, sewn by a married couple that also sold their product in their home, just at the foot of Mount Fuji.

 

Nara emphasizes the idea of wearing the opposite of what fast fashion provide us. As a media that relay who we are, clothing hold a special place. Therefore, we must understand who we really are, what we need, and what kind of clothing that made us comfortable wearing it. Looking closely at the environment we’re living in so we knew exactly what kind of clothes we need. Not shaped by what the industry wanted us to wear. And understand of how the clothes is made and what it’s made of.

 

Nara closes it with a quote from Masanobu Sugatsuke, "Right now, no fashion trend could emerge or last very long without giving a big bow to the environment, because the consumer is so much more concerned about such things than they were 10 years ago. Now whatever is wasteful, excessive or selfish just won't cut it anymore, no matter how snazzy the design."

 

 

 

After watching her being in her own skin, even when she’s not in her own environment, but she could nailed it, Siwon is finally understand. He understand why she’s not comfortable in the charity dinner when he thought she should be thankful that he brought her to that event. Because she’s not there because of what she did. She was there because of him, and she felt like she didn't deserve to be there.

 

Not like here. She climbed her way here. To be invited and give short lecture because whatever she had achieved on her own. Nara felt that she is being who she truly are, in the place that she worked her way to.

 

Siwon froze. That’s her! That’s the girl he met at Hong-Kong few years ago. The kickass girl that met him on the French restaurant not too long after that, who was just being her total self, talking about her world, about the world in general but can still mesmerized him. The girl he changed the moment he asked her to be considerate about his situation and walk into his car first to avoid his fans.

 

 

 

The audience area’s lights are turn on, right in time when people are clapping and giving standing ovations. Much more louder than the previous speaker. Nara got really overwhelmed by the response, she smiles so proudly and look at all of the audience. She could see her friends, coworkers, invited guess, Sun(?), Hyerin, fellow speakers, her brand partners, a slight of Jenna is somewhere hidden and uh...

 

Wait.. what??

 

Nara carefully trying to re-scans people’s faces on her further left side to find that face that got her perplexed. But once she couldn’t find anything she distracted herself and smilingly looking at her right side.

 

Following her stare, Hyerin looks at the last row, trying to find Siwon in the audience. She knows Nara must be looked at something that made her shocked. But she barely can even sees other people, so Siwon must be pretty covered too. She slowly leans closer to Sun instead. “How did you came here?”

 

“I tried to catch the same flight as she was, but I was too late, so I hop on into the next flight.”

 

“Are you okay..?”

 

"Ah.. She already told you that.." Sun’s smiling bitterly. “Not really.. but I appreciate her decision. She did that right before the talk, it must be really bothering her. She actually told me not to come today, but I still can support her, right? Even though we’re not in relationship anymore.”

 

“Hmm.. that’s right. I’m sorry that you break up with her, Sun.”

 

“Haha It’s okay.. I’ll just spending this weekend by gulping gallons of soju.”

 

Both of them laugh.

 

“Drink with me then! Where are you staying at?”

 

“I’ll catch a flight back as soon as this talk is done.”

 

“What? You’re not coming to our party tonight?”

 

Sun sighs. “I don’t think Nara would want that.. she needs time alone.”

 

Well not really alone. But wait.. What?? Hyerin looks away. That means, Siwon got the whole time to talk to Nara right after this event ended!!!

 

 

 

They're done with the recorded talk but now Nara accepted the last two questions from the audience.

 

There's one guy who sit in the front row, already raised his hand since the Q&A session started but the moderator just picked him.

 

"I've been following your brand since few years ago. But I notice that the movement for woman to love themselves that you created as your brand tagline is actually bigger than your brand itself. I roughly calculated beside the refurbishments for the small fabrics all around the world, all that social/educational events for women to celebrate themself were kinda your major spending. Is there any reason behind that? Because I recall I saw you on the talk about abusive relationship before you built your brand (If i’m not mistaken, it’s after you appeared in Jay Park video clip). Is the reason had something to do with that?"

 

Nara smiles but sighing significantly. "I got a few questions similar about abusive relationship, before. I don't know how people could assumed like that, but no. I would like to use this opportunity to clarify this. I've never been in a abusive relationship before. I just came to that event to get insight to empowering woman. So no, Jay is our dear friends, we never getting involved into romantic relationship. And I owed him to be in his music video, the exposure that I get from there help me get the attention that I want for this movement too."

 

Jenna elbowed Siwon’s ribs.

 

“Thank god. I couldn’t imagine there’s a guy who wasted his chance by not treating you his best.” Adds the one who’s asking the question, without mic. But his voice could be heard all across the room, nevertheless. There are two guys in the room who choked up to those words, they turn it into cough after that.

 

Nara couldn’t hold her smile when she looks at Sun’s coughing, couldn’t find the other guy who also coughed.

 

“Why the movement is bigger than the brand.. because that’s the main reason why I build this company we are sociopreneur. Fashion is just one of many ways for people that show who they are, like a big walking printed CV. And as one of our primary needs, it also get industrialized. By getting industrialized, one of the downside is.. we are told what to wear by the fast fashion industry, it made the other that not recommended to us (not being sold) labeled as last season, that somehow made us unfit to the nowadays society. And it’s kinda blurred out our own personality in the inside, by not showing who we are really on the outside. That’s why knowing who you really are in the inside and embrace it, are the first and important things to do. Fashion is just one of many medias to relay that.. Without educating the people, we’re just one of a player in fashion industry, another entrepreneur. Not a changemaker.”

 

There’s a subtle applause for that answer.

 

"Okay, now last question.."

 

The moderator looks at three person who raise their hand.

 

"Other guys can email you their question.. But you won't regret answering mine. It's really important to answer it here." Says one of the audience who raised her hand.

 

Everybody make an ‘oooowwhh’ impressed sound.

 

The mic is given to her. She clears , "Eonni.." Then she smiles. Although being called that by a stranger reminded Nara to something unpleasant, she just smiles back to her. “I’ve been following you since I’m still undergraduate in Australia until now I enroll my master degree in California, working my way up to have my own start-up. Back then you lived in Seoul and still worked for the property developer and being rumored with.. I shouldn’t mention the name, should I?”

 

“Yeah please don’t..” Nara laughs. “I don’t want to be killed with a light stick.”

 

The moderator looks puzzled.

 

But some people on the audience laugh, which is shocking, because it’s more like an insider jokes. Only a fangirl know what it means.

 

“Ohh? You don’t know what it means though.. why you’re laughing?” Nara jokes to the audience.

 

Some girls answer it in unison. “We know..”

 

“Ahh..” she silently retreats.

 

And Siwon lowered his hat.

 

“So.. uh..During that time I was a nerd, just really felt like a misfit to the outer world, and so into K-Pop,they become my go-to place. But then I've found you. The misfit that was trying to fit in your society, got broken to pieces but work to shape the society instead. You’ve inspired me for this whole time, and you’re one of my role model.” The participant continues her question.

 

The audience go ‘Woahh..’

 

Nara awkwardly laughs. “Oh really? Thank you.”

 

“Yeah. I bet you don’t remember the first time we met, do you?”

 

“Now I’m getting nervous..”

 

She laughs. “We’ve met before. At a concert years ago, in Hong Kong. I lost my camera that day, and you lent me yours for the whole concert, then you kept your promise to send the photos to my email, just two days after that.”

 

Nara’s nodding, she remembers that.

 

“That when I found out your name. And dug up your background. I was diligently following you ever since. I didn’t know what exactly was going on back then, but I know a little. And the story about how you built your company is kinda underrated when I know a bit of your history. I read somewhere when you talk about force to leave the country felt like hell to you, but you considered it as a blessing now. I don’t know whether you’re forbid to talk about that, or you just being reluctant because it’s off theme. But I guess that background are more related to the question before mine, about the movement to ‘love yourself’ somehow bigger than the brand itself. What driving force that made you do all of this? I guess like me, that story somehow can make an inspirational story for young girls out there."

 

“Well..” Nara looks at the moderator.

 

The moderator laughs, “That’s a bit off the topic. But it’s the last question, so.. It’s okay if you want to answer that.”

 

Nara plays with her fingers and looking around for a few second. She broke up with Sun in order to let go of everything that held her back while talking about being comfortable in your own skin, and now she faces this question but hesitating to answer.

 

The heck.

 

Nara took one deep breath before answers it as honest and insightful as she can.

 

"Uhh.. It's not like I forbid to talk about anything by anyone. I just don't want to affected people that related to my story in a bad way. Also, my talk was more about the slow fashion, rather then movement. So although it not really relevant, but hmm.. Yeah, that background was one of the driving forces that made me create this company.” Nara’s smiling to the audience.

 

She felt she have a hallucination because she thought she just saw Siwon’s face again.

 

“Hmm..” Nara controls her expression. “After I get my degree in The State I came back home to work at my dad main company. I started as an intern and climbed my way to the executive level in a short amount of time, without anyone knowing that my father was in chairman board. And that happened around a time where I dated a pretty well-known guy in South Korea whose family befriended with mine. What..? No, it’s not Jay.” Nara laughs, hearing people mumbling. “And my mom was thrilled that I finally dating a Korean guy that she knew the family background well enough. Typical asian mom.”

 

Some of the audiences are laughing.

 

“I thought I had it all.” Nara smirks. “Work and being in relationship were my main focus in life at that time. I thought I made my parents happy by being the filial children. Because that was I thought people expect from me, when I was a kid I often heard people pitied my father not having a son to inherit the business. While in my personal life, for some reason, I was kinda jumping to conclusion too soon that this guy will be the one. At that time I just thought that we’re perfect for each other, based on what I saw on the outside.”

 

The audiences are looking at her pretty serious as if she told them an exciting story about war or something.

 

“And I never been so wrong. Everybody in my office started to find out who’s my father is. Since then everything like a double edged swords. Every achievement was valued as either given because who’s my father is, or meaningless because I should achieve more remembering who’s my father is. I couldn’t feel proud to myself more than five second because the other feeling of belittled or over praised or useless will creep in right away.”

 

Siwon suddenly remembers the exact same expression Nara had everytime he asked about the office. The expression of both hurt and uninterested, always there if office was mentioned. But not when she explained about her work, she could lighted up when she’s explaining about concepting things or the projects she’s working on.

 

“And the same exact problem happened in my relationship. He’s so famous that automatically gave me both fans and haters at the same time. I hold the same double edged sword. Being recognized affiliated with him brought unnecessary attentions to everything that I did. While being unrecognized made me super insecure about everything inside me. I've felt like our relationship being put under public scrutiny. So I focused on keep our relationship no matter what, avoid any arguments, so the other thought we’re alright. We're kinda do it for the public instead of made our relationship healthier for us.” Nara sighs. “And so a lot of problems in that two areas always happened, some were solved, most of them unresolved. And everytime that happened, it shook me, a little by little until it shook me to my core, because the foundation wasn’t rock solid. Now I can recognized the reason i committed to that work and relationship because what I thought i should do, from outsider perspective, not mine.”

 

“Until  there’s a malicious rumor about me, my career, and my then boyfriend that made everybody around me uncomfortable. It’s so disturbing for me, my dad said that he actually didn’t want me to continue his work. He said since the beginning, he didn’t mind not having an heir to continue his work and actually want me to achieve everything that I like, not just continued his path. And my mom that i thought really want me being with this guy no matter what, actually want me to be with a decent guy, so I could sincerely be loved and supported whilst work on everything I want in life. But she really put my mental health above all. After a long discussion i decided to resigned from my job and move to The State to avoid the rumor to get bigger and also to protect my family to from the backlash. So all of the sudden I lost everything that I thought were important in my life. I already lost myself to begin with, and now I lost everything I’ve work hard for too.” Nara takes a deep breathe and looks at the girl who asked the question. She smiles to Nara to deliver her sympathy. “I took enough time to hate the world and myself, but then if I can’t live with myself, what will going to happen for the rest of my life? So I started to figure it out who I really am, what really matters for me, what are the god gifts that i already had but wasting away. Instead of listened to what people said about me, I tried so hard to found out what I think I need to do for myself first and for the nearest community then. So i decided to make myself useful to as many people possible.That’s why I really emphasized about knowing your true self and not you that shaped by the outside world. That journey lead me to this life principle that are diligently applied in the company that i run.”

 

Everybody clap and give a standing ovation as she finished her sentence.

 

“That’s too long. Thank you.” Nara shyly smiled and waved to everyone before gets behind the curtain. Hyerin helps her take the microphone off, when there some vague squealing sound in the audience. Nara is about to peek through the curtain to see what's going on. There's a group of people swarming around the seat near the exit door.

 

"Yah yah! They want to take your picture.." Hyerin turns her shoulder to face the camera.

 

While Nara poses for the camera, Hyerin is peeking through the curtain instead. She sees Sun, who already left his seat, walks toward the exit door. But then suddenly stop around where Siwon is still sitting on his place.

 

Oh shoot! I hope he’s not getting the wrong idea that Nara broke up with him because of Siwon.. although that exactly what’s going on. Hyerin crosses her fingers. I hope Nara won’t burn the house down when she know Siwon is staying there.

 

Nara is in a good mood when she finishes off the presentation with the staffs on the back stage.

 

“Your bag is already with Jenna on the audience seat.” Says Hyerin, leading her way back to the auditorium.

 

“Okay, let’s go.” She walks away lightheartedly with the thought to catch up some sleep before the party tonight.

 

“I think Jenna should take the car, she needs to buy a lot of thing for the party. Do you mind walking home?” Hyerin kinda covers the sight of Siwon from Nara.

 

Both of them step up the stairs beside the seating area to the exit door.

 

“Hmm.. okay, let’s walk. I need some fresh air.. Do y..”

 

But then the smile on Nara’s face fades away, as her feet freeze when she saw a Tadashi like figure. Standing when she was about 6 feet away from him. Black hat, white shirt under dark red sweater, jeans and sneakers.

 

When he finally takes off his hat, Nara’s heart betrayed her brain.

 

“We go home first, Nara ya.. There’re a lot to do for party prep.” Hyerin takes Jenna’s arm in a blaze, and run away from the scene.

 

There’s no one on the seating area but both of them. The staffs still cleaning the stage area.

 

Siwon is facing Nara silently. He already saw her when she’s on stage. But seeing up close like this.. he could see her wearing the thinnest make up on her. With the long black hair that she left untied. Still her, but a little not like when she’s in Korea.

 

And those eyes..

 

It sparks even without a of glittery eyeshadows.

 

Despite Nara’s dry eyes, she won’t blink even just once. She’s afraid that if she ever blink, the figure in front of her will be gone. He extends his hand to shake Nara’s.

 

Those arm..

 

 

•••

 

 

“You sure it’s okay to make Siwon walks from the auditorium to our house??” Jenna is looking at Siwon and Nara walking on the sidewalk from inside the car.

 

Jenna, her boyfriend, Hyerin, and another five employee from their office are spying Nara and Siwon around Columbus Ave.

 

"He still look handsome, but they're not stood up from the crowd, so it safe." Answer Hyerin.

 

"The street is not that busy too.."

 

“If it’s too risky, Nara would take a cab.”

 

“But they keep on walking.”

 

“So it’s safe.”

 

"I can't imagine Nara ever dated a hunk like that."

 

"What are they talking about?"

 

"They look pretty civilized. Nara won't yelling at us for set things up, right?"

 

"Guys, we can't just drive slowly like this. I need to speed up. Say goodbye, we should give them time." Jenna's boyfriend speeds up, left the audience disappointed not being able to watch that two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

23 feb 2019