CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE: Worthwhile

{ She needed to see him as soon as possible. } * Click for BGM!

"I don't want to show you how much of a coward I can be any longer."

"Then show me. Show me that you aren't one."

Kai caressed her smooth cheek, brushing his lips against her own in a gentle, fluid motion. It was much more blissful than he ever imagined this to be and he could definitely live with that happily. 

He made the risk already, so why stop now when he already made it this far? Even with the dominant part in him risen, he knew he needed to be careful. 

Hyejung's round, hazy eyes fluttered repeatedly as she felt herself go light-headed more than she thought was acceptable. It was a simple kiss, but just having those full lips on hers again made her legs shakily wobble. The rest of her stunned body was tense in the tender embrace, leaving her mind to rage with a thousand and one thoughts. 

She found her eyes growing hooded, as if keeping them open was too hard due to the strong tingling sensation soaring through her body in endless swirls. It all felt like something entirely new this time around, and she couldn't deny the fact that she liked it. She was incredibly and awfully unprepared for an action so intimate, so sensual...yet she liked it. And no matter how cliché it may sound, it left her in a state of breathlessness. It never felt so real. 

Hyejung tilted her head unconsciously, and with that simple action, Kai took the initiative to further deepen the kiss whilst parting her lips. Hyejung felt her knees buckle as she started blinking repeatedly again, feeling hopeless and utterly pathetic for not having any logical idea on what to do. Her body acted on its own accord as her own lips finally started to respond, even just a little. 

Why did it have to feel so good?

The emotions they exchanged through this sweet meeting of warm lips was something to be cherished and remembered, but the fact that it overwhelmed her unexperienced self brought an abrupt wash of fear and vulnerability. It made her quiver in her weakening stance. Was she really ready for this? But, the yearning...

Hyejung pulled away a bit too suddenly, and she would've stumble and fell on her behind scandalously if Kai didn't have his arms wrapped securely around her waist. Her wide eyes dilated dumbfoundedly, possibly still in a bit of aftershock, her gaze falling downcast.

Kai stared down at her endearingly, grazing the hand he was caressing her cheek with up to her tresses. He let his fingers entwine with the brown strands subtly. "You okay?"

"I— I don't know," Hyejung admitted uncertainly, her voice quiet and he had to lean in a centimeter just to hear her. She cleared , ridding the uncomfortable tickle therein. "Y-Yeah. I'm fine."

He let his arm fall slowly from her waist. "Then...is it alright if I tell you something right now?" His heart thumped harshly against his chest, and Hyejung felt nothing but the same. He chuckled breathlessly. "I think I have to explain myself a bit after what I just did."

She swallowed hard, her cheeks heating in a rose color Kai admired. Damn, what was happening to her? "Yeah. Y-You better say it now, or else I'm going to end up doing something stupid that I'll eventually regret."

Hyejung lifted her gaze upwards, meeting up with Kai's eyes softening. She never felt so small until now.

"Okay," Kai affirmed, his hand hardly trailing down to the top of her arm. He gave it a light squeeze, and she felt a trail of goosebumps grow underneath her t-shirt, even when the air in the room was at a substantial high from the pressof lips and wandering hands. 

"Honestly, I can't find the right words to tell you what I'd like to say. It's hard because I'm afraid it wouldn't mean as much as I want it to," Kai began, his usual sonorous voice in a thoughtful murmur. This was a different side to him, and it almost felt immediate when Hyejung took a small liking to it. 

"I admit it. I admit that I have been acting like a coward and an overprotective . And because of this, we became distant even in the slightest and just that frustrated me. I was frustrated with myself."

Hyejung bit her lip, wanting to speak, but her words were tangle and tied into an impossible knot deep within . 

"But I couldn't help it. I was— I just really didn't want to lose you. Not to anyone, or anything. I couldn't help but want you, Hyejung. And because of these facts, I realized that," he paused, staring straight into her eyes. He never felt so sure of himself in his life. "I must have fallen for you. I love you, Seo Hyejung." 

She stood there, stunned, with questions running through her mind as there is a long pause. A tangible silence filled the air. 

Kai stepped back with his insides churning in anxiety. Knowing Hyejung, he had no real idea what to expect for her to say, and just the thought of rejection petrified him. He didn't know if he could handle that.

When she still remained silent and completely still, Kai was evoked with nervousness and thoughts of worriment permeating his mind. "D-Did you hear what I said? You...you don't have any earphones on that I don't know about, do you?" he asked, curling a strand of hair around her ear to make sure.

"Huh?" Hyejung twisted her pinked lips. She glanced up at the boy briefly, only to see total sincerity in his eyes. "Oh, no. Y-Yeah. I heard you."

"Oh! Well, um, good. That's good," Kai replied sheepishly, rubbing the nape of his neck and averting his eyes elsewhere for a moment. Was he wrong for doing what he did? Was he being foolish here?

Kai sighed, quietly saying, "Well, if you don't have anything to say right now, Hyejung, I'll wait for your answer. Tell me when you're ready. I'll be patient. I can do that." And with that, he turned around to leave the living room. 

But he instantly stopped when Hyejung called out to him, noticing the sprinkle of hesitance in her tone. "Wait."

Slowly, the lad turned back around. He stared at her intently in surprise with questions flying frantically around in his mind. He grew even more stunned, however, when she spoke up again a few long moments of silence later.

"I'm hungry. Make the grilled cheese now," she murmured with the habit of making demands, finally walking ahead past Kai. Actually, it was more of an awkward waddle. 

"Ah...okay," he conceded, following after her with a baffled look on his face due to her random bluntness. But deep inside, after knowing her for a while, he wasn't really surprised. "Oh, and Hyejung...can we actually make some ramen?"

"Eh? ...Why?" she looked over her shoulder as she entered the kitchen, giving the lad a half-weird look. It was half because her face couldn't contort fully that way when her eyes were still a bit wider than normal and her lips were still red from the kiss. "But I thought you would ma-"

"Ah, about that. I actually forgot to buy the cheese."

~*~

Less than fifteen minutes never seemed so incredibly long until now. Maybe it was because they were taking their time thoughtfully, but still. 

As Kai turned up the heat on the stove, Hyejung bit harshly on the inside of her cheek. 

In just a seemingly slow time of about an hour or two, his unexpected confession got her deeply wondering about her relationship with Kai, how Kai acted towards her, and how he cared for her so well. It was all pretty comfortable. She thought that it all was just a way to show affection, which it was...but she was taken aback by how his feelings actually bloomed into something so much more. It was something she didn't originally expect from him. 

Just because she changed the subject moments ago didn't mean that Kai's words from earlier weren't distractedly meddling around in her brain. Still. Not only that was haunting her mentality, but the tingling sensation clearly evident on her lips was as well. And the fact that Kai was right beside her and unintentionally brushing his arm against hers when he moved wasn't really helping the situation either. 

Hyejung reached down to pick up the ladle she unconsciously swiped and dropped, her fringe covering her flickering eyes. She understood why he did what he did, but it all just greatly shocked her so suddenly. She stood up straight again with a beating heart, her own thoughts on everything troubling and confusing as Kai's words rung through her head repeatedly.

What could she possibly do? 

The urge to flee ahead home and to just think it all over invaded her system like a bullet, but with this critical situation currently at hand, leaving Kai now without saying a single word of recognition didn't seem to be the wisest decision at the moment. Heck, it could've probably lead to a worse possible scenario. Hyejung surely didn't want that.

She heaved a deep sigh. Scrunching her brows up together, Hyejung whipped her head towards the lad who was dropping in the seasoning and then the ramen into the pot. It took her long moment of hesitation before she uttered a barely audible, “...Why?”

“Mm? Why what?” he responded, his eyes solely on the pot’s contents as he stirred them with chopsticks.

Hyejung gnawed on her bottom lip, contemplating as she turned her head. “Why…why me?” she blurted, and she immediately looked down when she felt Kai’s eyes penetrate her side-profile in surprise.

“Why you? How can it not be you?” he questioned, turning his waist so he faced her properly. His light tone of voice was just so...Jongin; it made Hyejung nervous and shakey in a different kind of way. “Are you questioning my feelings for you right now? You don’t think I’m being genuine here?”

“Hey! I-I was just asking, okay?!” she exclaimed in abrupt defense. She pivoted her heels and looked straight into the boy’s eyes, trying not to waver. “I really didn’t mean it like that. I…" she averted her gaze to the side. "I don't know. I just find it kind of hard to believe, that’s all.”

Hyejung snatched the chopsticks Kai was using and started stirring the ramen in a rather pathetic attempt from continuing the conversation. Kai shook his head in amusement, not believing what the girl just told him in consciousness. “Put the chopsticks down, Hyejung.”

She stubbornly huffed her bangs out of her eyes. “No. I want the noodles to be perfect.”

“The noodles will be fine, Hyejung, just-“ Kai stopped and gave it up with a deep sigh, allowing Hyejung to continue her duty. It was best not to mess with Hyejung when she was this hungry, or else she would turn into her vicious bear form. Well, that was the lad amusedly imagined. 

But in seriousness, he couldn't help but stop in midsentence anyway because he wondered what was really racing through her mind. Did he overwhelm her to an extent too large? Was this too much for her to take right now?

Kai shifted his feet and leaned against the counter, feeling Hyejung curiously glance at him from the corner of her eyes now and then. “Why did you say that, Hyejung?"

She lowered her head consciously. "We're friends."

"So? What does that have to with anything?"

Hyejung took a sharp intake of breath. "No, what I mean is I...I'm just 'best friend' material. There are other girls who can give you the... t-the love you want and deserve, well," she muttered, insisting. "You deserve the best."

Kai felt a subtle pain in his chest. "You're fooling with yourself, Hyejung. Don't say that."

She sighed. "Kai, I can't-" 

"That's not true! None of that is true!" he bit back, placing his hand firmly on the counter top. He sighed at an attempt to collect himself, but his heart remained anxious. "You're the only one I truly look at, don't you understand? I don't want to look at someone else that way!”

Hyejung's heart thumped harder, and she tried to retaliate the feeling so very strong. She wasn't successful. 

“Kai, if you want to know so badly, I’ll say it right now, okay?" she growled, frustrated as she whirled around, her eyes building tiny hot tears in the corners. It seemed like it was now or never. "I’m just so freaking afraid I’ll fail this because it’s one thing I know I can’t handle properly!”

Kai stared deep into her eyes. "Hyejung-"

“I don’t want to ruin us, Kai!" she exclaimed, her breaths heavily labored. Her eyes instantly fell downcast, her voice low and her mind clouded. "I don't want to ruin what we already have and what we'll become in the future! I-I...I just really, really don't want something like that to happen. I'm scared of that. I just don't know what to think right now," she her chapped lips, pausing to collect herself.

"And I say that because I care. I care a lot, don't you know that?"

Silence descended upon the small kitchen. Hyejung swallowed, boring holes into the ground as she continued to feel Kai's eyes fixed upon her. Before she knew it, she was tugged and wrapped into warm, familiar arms. 

Hyejung shakily exhaled. "Sorry, I…I’m just plain bad with feelings. Mine are weird and discombulated like hell.” Her voice was muffled in the boy's shoulder as she loosened her clutched fists that dangled from her sides.

Kai noticeably softened, yet he tightened his embrace around her. “It’s okay. And Hyejung," he pulled away only a little and looked at her. "There’s no need to be scared. I’m always here for you, and know that I'll still be waiting for your answer. I just need to know. Please.”

She gave him a befuddled look, swallowing like it would hurt to do so. “…Really? But...after what I just said-“

“What you said now and what you said before doesn’t change my feelings for you, Hyejung. You are who you are, and that’s who I’ve grown to love and care for,” he reached up to ruffle her hair gingerly, an overwhelming feeling of true affection sweeping over the atmosphere. “You’re more than worth it.” He smiled lovingly and hugged her again. 

It took a moment for the words to sink in, but when they did, it left Hyejung completely speechless. Her heartstrings were being plucked and pulled in every possible direction. She bowed her head with her cheeks splashing into a light shade of red, and she shamelessly blamed it all on the boy in front of her and the way words spilled out of his mouth. She admired that, thinking of it as some sort of bravery. Or perhaps it was some blessed skill given only to a chosen few. 

Hyejung stared off with a dazed expression. *Why can't I ever speak that way? Why do my feelings have to be so damn complicated right now?* she closed her eyes and wondered, *I really need to figure myself out real soon, because I'm starting to get dizzy here...* She opened her eyes when Kai pulled away.

"I'm sorry for surprising you, but what I said— I'm not taking any of it back. I'm not pushing you or anything, but I just really hope you won't push me away," Kai continued, searching her eyes, his own being determined and true. Hyejung didn't overlook that, even when he bowed his head for a brief moment. Was he being shy? "I know I kind of asked you this earlier, but...promise me you'll think about it?"

Hyejung swallowed. "U-Uh, well, that's a real good idea I think," she rambled subcon