What matters the most,
Is
how well you walk through
The fire.

- Charles Bukowshi

Baekhyun could feel his emotions raging when he slammed the door shut behind him and took a few steps away from the house.

He stopped abruptly thinking of the words that Chanyeol told him just a couple moments ago.

Why are you acting like this?

Like you don't care.

I just really care about you.

And saying that Baekhyun was breaking down was an understatement. He pressed his back against the wall, next to the lift, and slid down to the floor as tears started welling in his eyes. His knees, his legs and his hands were all shaking and trembling. His skin felt icy cold but his blood was gushing to his brain. His heart beating hard and fast against his ribs, almost crushing them.

But what hurt more than any of this was the soft muffled crying sound that came from the direction of the house.

Chanyeol was crying.

Hell, it hurt way more than anything else.

The feeling that he himself was the cause of pain to Chanyeol was one of the worst things Baekhyun had ever felt. There was no doubt left anymore. Baekhyun liked Chanyeol. Or maybe it was more than just liking. There was no denying his feelings anymore. Not like he could even if he wanted to when no matter what he was doing, no matter how engrossed he was in his work, the back of his mind was always busy thinking about what Chanyeol must be doing.

He wanted Chanyeol happy. He wanted Chanyeol content. He wanted all the beautiful things for Chanyeol. it, he wanted Chanyeol. But Chanyeol wanted Kyungsoo, or maybe at least Baekhyun believed so.

The way Chanyeol was trying to stop him. Being so nice, so soft to him even after Baekhyun was being an , Baekhyun realized there was no way on Earth he wouldn't fall for Chanyeol. He didn't even realize when it happened or how it happened. All he knew was he met Chanyeol on a bridge one night and the next thing he knew was he couldn't stop himself from relying on the latter. He couldn't stop thinking about the younger. He just couldn't stop himself from feeling things for Chanyeol.

He thought of the time when Chanyeol jumped into the cold lake because he thought Baekhyun was drowning when he himself didn't know how to swim. Every single thing about Chanyeol was worth cherishing.

There was innocence and selflessness in everything Chanyeol did. There was a unique tenderness in his actions, like he could never harm anyone. Like he never wanted to harm anyone. And for someone like Baekhyun, who has received nothing but pain from everyone around him, this tenderness was the most attractive thing a person could have.

Chanyeol was so lovable, so adorable, so amazing, that Baekhyun wanted to slap himself for making the younger cry. But in Baekhyun's view, it was for his own good. Since Chanyeol belonged to Kyungsoo, he didn't want to come between the two.

He sniffed and wiped away his tears with the back of his sleeve and stepped inside the lift.

While travelling in the cab, he eyes were fixed on the window, scanning through the local streets, passing one after the other, going away from his house and back to his office, while his mind stubbornly kept wandering back to Chanyeol.

He wanted to run back and hug Chanyeol with all his might. He wanted to kiss to those tears away. He wanted to caress his cheeks and tell him how much he loved him.

But what was bigger than the desires of his silly heart was the fear of getting rejected. The fear that Chanyeol would turn away from him. The fear that Chanyeol would tell him that he was only a friend to him.

Baekhyun remembered when he walked out of the house, he did not turn back once. He did not look back at Chanyeol, at all. Because he knew that the pained expression on Chanyeol's face was enough to break down the walls around him. He knew that if he stopped, even once, to look at him, he would no longer be able to walk out.

His cab stopped near his office building. Baekhyun paid, then stepped out and started marching his way towards the building with his bag. On the way to his cabin, he met about 7-8 people and managed to flash his proffesional smile with an elegant bow.

Work was work. And Baekhyun was expert at masking emotions. He could be dying inside and make you believe that everything was perfectly fine.

When he opened the door of his cabin, it was quiet and lonely. Unlike his house which radiated warmth and was painted in the softer colours of a palate, sky blues and mild orange; and full of emotions, the office cabin was sharp contrast, painted in grey and white and pale black.

Baekhyun left his bag to the side and glanced over at the pile of paper work. It was all complete. He had been working for days in a line without taking break. Only when he realized that there was nothing left to distract him anymore, he went to his house to get his essentials for the flight.

He felt tightening of his chest then bile rising from his gut and ran to his personal washroom. He immediately sprawled over the sink and allowed the liquid to exit from his mouth and stain the white marble sink. He lifted up his body slowly, only to feel the same rising feeling again and threw up once more.

The emotional outbreak in Baekhyun's head was peaking and was now affecting his body. Baekhyun looked at his reflection in the mirror hanging right in front of him on the wall above the sink. His eye liner was perfect, his eye shadow was done on point, his compact was hugging his cheeks in the best possible manner. He looked perfect. And he hated it.

He hated it how his insides were dry and bleeding, he hadn't had proper food in days, he had slept a sound sleep in a week but his face looked perfect. His whole identity felt like a lie. Like a fraud, like something meaningless and indefinite, like he was born to deceive.

"Ahhhh." Baekhyun screamed his lungs out with full intensity.

This is not enough.

Baekhyun thought.

He looked down at the sink and the tap of water to maximum flow. He looked at his face once more in the mirror and the perfection stabbed him. Almost laughing at him. Telling him he had nothing. As if, he didn't deserve anything. He didn't deserve Chanyeol.

And almost in a maniac kind of rhythm, Baekhyun dipped his head low and started splashing the water on his face. Almost trying to drown the voices in his head. He started scrubbing his face in quick rotations, rubbing harshly the areas around his eyes.

And then he stopped all of a sudden, dropping his hands to his sides and looked back at the mirror. This time, it wasn't anything close to perfection. His eyeliner was smeared, dripping down the sides of his eyes. Some dark traces around his nose and the foundation scraped off his skin, even a couple nail marks around his cheeks. His dark circles became visible and got highlighted by the blackness of the liner filling them.

Baekhyun blinked. Thinking deeply about what was left with him. And answer was nothing. He looked ugly now, with the make up draining in the sink and lazily dripping from the corners of his jaw. He couldn't hold back himself anymore.

He quickly ran back to his room and sat on the floor next to his bag and opened it so quickly, he nearly broke the zip. He started throwing things out while looking for his phone. And then he finally found it.

He dialed Kai's number and Kai picked it in a heartbeat. And Baekhyun was more than relieved on hearing, "Baekhyun?" His voice sounding concerned like usual.

And Baekhyun allowed his cries to seep from his mouth and right into Kai's ears. "K- Kai.. I- I- please, I- can't - I can't Kai, I, c- can't - save me, I- can't do this- not anymore, I- I love- I love him- I - really, I- I'm s-sorry."

"Finally." Kai replied, his voice calm, relaxed and almost peaceful against Baekhyun's shrilling, broken and painful one.

He was finally moving towards the end of all his problems.