I went to the worst of bars
hoping to get
killed.
but all I could do was to
get drunk
again.

-Charles Bukowshi
 

_

___________________________




 

Chanyeol could feel his body becoming numb from the words his brain was unable to accept. Things started making so much sense suddenly. Kyungsoo was waiting for Chanyeol's answer desperately. Only if this had happened a few weeks ago, Chanyeol would've kissed the life out of Kyungsoo, but now, things were different, since Baekhyun existed in the picture.

Even though Kyungsoo was right in front of him, crying and weeping, but the only thought inside Chanyeol's head was- 'Baekhyun.' Chanyeol knew it was kind of stupid because he has actually loved Kyungsoo for years, and Baekhyun is someone he hardly has spent any time with. But the thing is that it isn't about how long you've been with them. It's about how they make you feel in the moments you've spent together. And Chanyeol knew Baekhyun made him feel special, almost required in the world.

Another important part was that Chanyeol was ready to risk a certain relationship for an uncertain love. And that much was enough to make him understand how much deep in he was for Baekhyun. He didn't want to be rude or mean but also he didn't want to lead Kyungsoo on. And so, no matter how bitter the truth tasted, it needed to be spilled.

Chanyeol held Kyungsoo's face in his hands, cupping his cheeks, wiping the tears carefully, and said, "I am sorry."

Kyungsoo blinked his eyes in confusion, kept his own hands on Chanyeol's for any minimal assurance they offered and asked, "What for?"

"I don't love you anymore," Chanyeol said in a low voice, removing his hands softly from beneath Kyungsoo's and letting them fall to his sides.

Kyungsoo's breath hitched and eyes became wider, "Chanyeol-ah I'm sorry. I-I told you - I- I love you. You- you can't, you can't do this to me. I- I know you're lying. You can take your time-" Kyungsoo's voice was shaky and words desperately uttered faster than he would care to admit. Fresh tears started welling in his eyes before the old ones could dry on his cheeks.

"I am not lying," Chanyeol said seriously.  His tone growing colder and almost insensitive. Kyungsoo's tears were making Chanyeol weak. He knew if he didn't leave sooner, he might end up hurting Kyungsoo more.

"It can't be. We've been together for years Chan. You can't- not now when I- it's not-"

"Not now? Now that you've finally accepted me?" Chanyeol asked harshly. The harshness of his tone was a veil, securely protecting his quivering emotions from Kyungsoo who was having a hard time dealing with the foreign harshness in Chanyeol's voice.

"Yes," Kyungsoo replied softly.

"I am not your doll Kyungsoo whom you can come and play with whenever you feel like."

"But why? Why would you not-" Kyungsoo paused mid-sentence as a flood of tears lashed out of his eyes and he couldn't speak anymore.

Chanyeol thought to himself of the night he met Baekhyun and how his whole life took a 360° turn. Even though somewhere Chanyeol's heart was breaking for Kyungsoo, but it was only sympathy he felt for the latter. Not love anymore. The only person he could imagine himself with was Baekhyun. Even if Baekhyun didn't feel the same way, Chanyeol was going to try his best to win Baekhyun's heart. He was head over heels to take the risk. Chanyeol turned around to walk out of the conversation knowing there's nothing more left to be said than one last thing which was better if left unsaid. Kyungsoo didn't need to know that Chanyeol committed suicide, however, he decided to speak it out if Kyungsoo further tries to stop him.

Kyungsoo saw Chanyeol walking away and seeing his back turned felt like a thousand knives poking into his fresh wounds, pressing into them until Kyungsoo screamed out with all his might,

"But why? Why Chan?"

Chanyeol paused, took a deep breath and without looking back at Kyungsoo, he said,

"The Chanyeol that loved you- died the very night I committed suicide." before he left Kyungsoo alone without even looking back because he knew that if he looked back, he won't be able to leave.


 

____________________________

 

Chanyeol tried searching for Baekhyun but he was nowhere to be seen. The place was starting to get empty. The cake cutting was done and things were almost over. Jin and Namjoon were busy winding things up.

That's when Chanyeol spotted Kai. Kai was randomly sitting alone on a chair, his eyes focussed on his hands which were placed on the table in front of him. A classic wine glass was kept in front of him, between both his hands and Kai was oddly observing it with great concentration. His gaze flicking between the glass and the numerous shiny rings on his fingers. There was a strange tedious smile plastered on his face. Chanyeol walked towards the other. He placed his hand on Kai's shoulder and asked,

"Where's Baekhyun?"

"He left," Kai said without looking at Chanyeol. He was pretty sure about what must have happened between Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. Actually, Kai located Chanyeol back in the hall about an hour ago. And the exact time, he left looking for Kyungsoo.

And as expected, finding Kyungsoo crying on the floor wasn't a pretty sight. He also knew Kyungsoo wouldn't let him console him, so Kai made sure to send Junmyeon to take care of Kyungsoo, while he kept watching from a corner.

Only after Junmyeon successfully took Kyungsoo out of the area and they sat in a cab, did Kai decide to come back in the hall.

"Alone?" Chanyeol asked looking at Kai, obviously referring to Baekhyun.

"Nope. With Sehun." Kai replied looking at the empty champagne glass, carefully lifting it in his one hand and then switching it to the other hand.

"We should also leave, maybe?" Chanyeol asked in a small voice. Kai was behaving weird and that was creeping him out slowly.

"I don't feel like it," Kai said almost immediately, smiling softly while running his index finger around the curve of the transparent glass.

"What do you mean 'you don't feel like it?' "

"I just don't feel like it." He said, still smiling at the glass in a carefree voice.

"What do you feel like then?" Chanyeol asked irritated.

"I am not sure," Kai said, finally looking up to meet Chanyeol's gaze, who was looking down at him with confused eyes.

"Forget it, I am going home," Chanyeol said and turned around, ready to walk out but was stopped when a hand came flying, circling around his neck. He looked towards Kai who was looking in front.

"No. You're coming with me," Kai said before dragging Chanyeol with him, literally forcing the other to walk with him.

"Where?" Chanyeol asked, allowing Kai to drag him along.

"We are gonna drink tonight," Kai said in a tone which made it clear that he wasn't taking no for an answer.

And the idea of drinking the night away sounded so pleasant, so relaxing, so satiating, that Chanyeol didn't even care to protest anymore. Probably, this is what this night was meant for. Chanyeol wanted to forget Kyungsoo's crying face. He wanted to forget those tears. He wanted to erase that memory, even though he knew it was etched on his soul from now on. His head felt light when he thought of the smell of alcohol, and the little comfort was more than enough at that moment.

Kai and Chanyeol quietly walked along the street. There were no words exchanged. Kai had a strange smile playing on his lips and Chanyeol's mind was wandering through the old days when he used to spend days thinking about Kyungsoo and his future together, which he no longer wanted to happen.

When they reached a local bar of the area, before entering into the cocoon of sound carelessly built in the smell of liquor, did Chanyeol ask Kai one question,

"Why do you want to drink?"

"Some truths can only be pushed out with your mind high as and your tongue tickling around the burning taste of alcohol," Kai answered seriously, without faltering the reckless smile.

"Truths?" Chanyeol asked.

"There's something you deserve to know," Kai said before opening the entry gate to the bar and entering into the aura of life dipping into helpless and yearning for temporary control offered by beer bottles dancing on the cold slab under neon lights.