I hope these 44 Chapters won't be easily forgotten. And I'm giving you 4 EPILOGUES, for you to enjoy and for all of our peace of mind. [4+4=∞] ^_^ For those who spoiled me with Top's pictures, thank you! I wasn't able to post this at once because AFF was ing yesterday. And I guess, YG rubbed off on me so delayed. ^_^ Anyway, i'll still spoil u.

 

YES! LENA IS ALIVE!!! \\(^_^)

AND HERE'S HER STORY... ^^

I HAVE BEEN WRACKING MY BRAIN, THINKING WHO TO PICK...MINO OR BOBBY! PERSONALLY, I LIKE THEM BOTH. 

I HOPE YOU LIKE THE GUY LENA CHOSE, AND FOR THE ONE SHE DIDN'T, YOU CAN HAVE HIM. ^_^ OR I CAN HAVE HIM! (^__^)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EPILOGUE

LENA POV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am back at the hill but the pavilion wasn’t there. I look around and I’m alone. I see the church where my parents got married. I hear the honk of a horn and notice the cars piling up at the foot of where I was standing now.

 

 

 

“No! Don’t come!” I say. I wanted to run forward but I couldn’t move. I see my dad and mom come out of the car. “Omma! Appa! Don’t come!”

 

 

 

I blink, then I see everyone in front of me. They were looking at me and they were very scared. I feel cold metal touch that spot next to my eyes. I am trembling.

 

 

 

I look up and I see her face. I can’t move. I see her stretch her arms and hold the gun toward the people in front of me. She pulls the trigger and then my surroundings brighten.

 

 

I am now in the hospital.

 

 

 

I see my mom lifeless on the bed, her wedding gown soaked in blood.

 

 

 

I wake up screaming then stop when I realize, I’m in my room. I pull me knees up and put my hand over my face.

 

 

 

You’re safe, Lena…I am safe…

 

 

 

My heart was pounding until my chest hurt. I am still shaking. I try to even out my breathing but it wasn’t working.

 

 

 

“Please stop…” I whisper to no one. I’m sure no one will hear but I still plead. 

 

 

 

“I can’t anymore.” I hit my fist on my chest. 

 

 

 

“Stop…”

 

 

 

The door to my room opens and I see my dad. He just got back today and told us Hayi was staying in Seoul for now.  He walks forward and hugs me. I was weak against his arms. My body was still trembling. All I could do was cry.

 

 

 

“Shhhh…its just a dream.” He says. “You’re safe. I’m here with you, baby. Its just a dream.”

 

 

 

“Appa, its my fault…”

 

 

 

“Ani, none of it is your fault.”

 

 

 

“It is!” I pull away. Now or never. I have to say it. “Its my fault! When we were in church…” I pause to steady my breathing so that I could talk. 

 

 

 

“…she called and asked me to put her name on the guest list. She said she has a surprise for me. She said she’ll call me when she arrives so that I’ll see it at once. And she did! She called…she said she had our birthday cake and I went to her. I brought her there…I didn’t know she was dangerous. I trusted her.”

 

 

 

I couldn’t stop speaking until my father pulls me to his arms. He was telling me over and over again that its not my fault. Whispering that I’m safe now. I just cried. 

 

 

 

All those pent up emotions, the secret I have kept for so long, the reason why I isolated myself from my family, my greatest fear of losing Omma, Appa and Hayi was just too much to bear right now.

 

 

 

“This happened because of me…I am the reason why Omma lost the baby. It should have been me. I should have been…”

 

 

 

“No…Lena, no…”

 

 

 

“Appa, I’m sorry…I’m really sorry…please tell Omma I’m sorry…please tell Hayi I’m sorry…”

 

 

 

“Baby, you don’t need to say sorry.” My dad makes me look at him. “Your mom and I and most especially, your sister, we don’t blame you. Its over now, all right? What’s important is that you’re alive. You are here with us. So please don’t blame yourself. If we lost you, Lena, it would have been death for the 3 of us. So please…don’t blame yourself. You are safe now. We are safe now. I won’t let anything happen to you. I love you, Lena.”

 

 

 

I found comfort in my father’s words. For the first time, I felt a calm come over me. 

 

 

 

“I love you too, Appa.”

 

 

 

And its been so long since I last said that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After talking to my dad, I felt a great weight being lifted off my shoulder. I guess all the things that my sister said, did make sense. I have isolated myself for so long, 4 years to be exact. I needed to tell someone from my family about it. I just didn’t realize it was taking me too long until Hayi confronted me.

 

 

 

Appa just came back from his trip and my sister is now a trainee at YGE. I knew she always wanted to be a singer. Music made her happy. I know that, even though I ignore her all the time. I just can’t force myself to be happy when I’m not.

 

 

 

I remember standing in front of my parents with a gun pointed to my head. Just that thought alone kept me awake for so many nights. It made me so afraid to go out. 

 

 

 

Truth is, that’s all I remember. That’s the worst part of my memory. I remember a gun shot, but I know it wasn’t for me. I remember getting in a car and fighting the woman.

 

 

 

But that’s it.

 

 

 

After a day, I wake up inside a hospital with abrasions on my face, arms and leg. My sister was beside me that day. I smiled at her and she smiled back before she started crying. Hayi was always a cry baby, just like my mom. She told me about what happened.

 

 

 

Omma and Appa came after me. Bommie Imo wasn’t harmed and Sajangnim, who took the bullet for her, was alive too. No one else got hurt.

 

 

 

Hayi also told me that Uncle Tabi brought Bobby and Mino-oppa back to his place and let them spend the night. Bobby was very distraught.

 

 

 

Flashback

 

 

“Maybe you can talk to Bobby-oppa, Lena?” Hayi says.

 

 

 

“I’ll do it once we get out of here. I’m really fine. Some parts of my body feel sore but I don’t think I’m gonna die because of it.” Lena smiles at her twin.

 

 

 

“Don’t joke about dying…” Hayi looks down and her shoulders were shaking.

 

 

 

“Hayi? What’s wrong? I’m alive, aren’t I? Don’t cry.” Lena holds her twin’s hand. “I’m here.” Hayi nods and grips at her twin’s hand. “By the way, Hayi, where’s Appa and Omma?”

 

 

 

“I’ll call Appa.” Hayi fishes her phone out.

 

 

 

“Ani, aren’t they here?”

 

 

 

“They are.”

 

 

 

“Then take me to them! Pali, Hayi!”

 

 

 

“But Lena…”

 

 

 

“They’ll be surprised once they see me! I’m sure they’ll be happy!”

 

 

 

Hayi nods then gets the wheelchair by the door. Lena has unhooked her IV line from her bed then with Hayi’s help, was able to get down and sit.

 

 

 

“They’re in the last room but its only temporary. Appa said that they’ll transfer asap once the room next to yours is vacant.”

 

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

 

“Appa and Omma went after you. They saw the car that Bobby’s Imo was riding in, crash and explode. They thought you died. But then, Uncle Tabi arrives and he was carrying you. Appa and Omma were happy again but then, Uncle Daesung saw blood stains on Omma’s dress.”

 

 

 

“Blood stains?”

 

 

 

“Omma was bleeding. I think they said that its a miscarriage. We lost the baby.”

 

 

 

At the far end of the hall was an isolation room, where the walls are made of glass, and even the door is made of glass. Hayi stops pushing then she turns Lena towards the automatic sliding doors and it opens. Lena was able to see her father then her mom.

 

 

 

“Appa…Omma…”

 

 

 

At the sound of her voice, Jiyong looks up and smiles. He goes to Lena and pulls her to his embrace.

 

 

 

“I’m so happy you’re all right, Lena.” Jiyong felt the violent sobs that racked her body. “I love you baby.” He said before looking at her. Then Jiyong got scared. 

 

 

 

“Lena?”

 

 

 

He calls out to her but it seems as if Lena couldn’t see him. She was just looking at Dara on the hospital bed who was  all pale and almost lifeless.

 

 

 

“Appa…Appa, wake her up. I don’t want to see Omma like this. Wake her up now.”

 

 

 

“Lena…”

 

 

 

“Ani! Wake her up! I want to see Omma’s eyes! Wake her up!” Lena was suddenly thrashing around. She was pushing Jiyong and was trying to get to Dara. She felt her legs go weak and when she couldn’t move, she began screaming. She kept calling for Dara, telling her to wake up but her mom remained unconscious. A doctor comes with a nurse to help them and they were given no choice but to give Lena a sedative.

 

 

 

End of Flashback

 

 

 

When I woke up after that, Omma was already awake. Appa said that they had to sedate me again because I went out of my room and started looking for Omma but when I couldn’t find her, I was out of control.

 

 

 

I was panicky whenever I don’t see my mom. They even had to let me sleep beside her. Appa explained that Omma was all right but she lost blood so she was weak. She will be better once transfusion was over.

 

 

 

That was hard to take for a 14 year old I guess. My greatest fear of losing my mom was everything that I could focus on. It was like my mind blocked all other thoughts and all I could see was my mom’s lifeless body.

 

 

 

A Child Psychiatrist was asked to check on me and I think, she said, I had Panic Disorder with Depression. Whatever that is, I think I really had it. I couldn’t sleep away from my mom for a month. I also became quiet and withdrawn. That’s why Appa decided to bring us all to New York.

 

 

 

When we moved to the US, its been a year of constant nightmares and sleepless nights that my doctor had to give me sleep medicine. At one time, the nightmares were getting too horrible that it felt so real and in my panic, I took a lot of pills and my parents thought I was trying to kill myself. After the doctor took care of me, I asked her to explain it to my mom and dad. I just couldn’t bear talking about it. I am not suicidal!

 

 

 

The 2nd year, things were getting better. I still had the nightmares but I never took pills anymore. I could also get inside a car without having hyperventilation. Appa always lets me ride in front. For some reason, I never get the panic spells when I’m sitting shot gun. Maybe it was because I remember sitting at the back of the car when I was taken hostage.

 

 

 

Though I’ve been going through therapy, I have also isolated from my family. I am a teenager and we are naturally angsty. 

 

 

 

Even though Hayi tried, I didn’t let her help me. I felt that I had to do this on my own. Once I knew what my problem was and why I was getting depressed, my doctor said that recovery will be 100%. I found that to be true.

 

 

 

Depression wasn’t a thing that you can easily control, neither was panic disorder or anxiety. I mean, just because you feel sad doesn’t mean you’re automatically depressed. You can’t even fake it because when you really have it, you’re gonna wish that you didn’t. 

 

 

 

I had to learn to heal on my own. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Hayi decided to train at YGE, I told my parents I was going to go to college. I’m a university student now taking up Psychology. I thought it could help me understand myself and other people better.

 

 

 

With the new path I chose, I’m almost back to the way I used to be, though I think I have also become more mature. Try going through what I have, I’m sure you will too. I guess circumstances have forced that on me whether I liked it or not.

 

 

 

“Lena!” I hear my mom call out and I turn to her. She smiled and walks toward me. I was in the garden, sitting by this cute little cherub’s statue. I named her Cheon, korean for Angel. Hayi calls her angel too. 

 

 

 

My mom sits beside me and I turn to her.

 

 

 

“Where’s dad?” I ask.

 

 

 

“Getting ready. He needs to pack by himself. He’s got a lot of clothes, I was getting dizzy just looking at it.” 

 

 

 

Appa and Omma are going back to Seoul today. I insisted on it since I now live close to school and its just the 2 of them here at home. I knew they were lonely.

 

 

 

She holds my hand. 

 

 

 

“I’m glad you came to see us off. Will you take us to the airport?”

 

 

 

“Ne, I’ll take a train from there back to my apartment.”

 

 

 

“Will you really be all right here?”

 

 

 

“Ne, I will be Omma.” I assure her. “Haven’t we gone to my doctor? She said I’m going to be all right and I don’t even have to take the pills.”

 

 

 

“Don’t?”

 

 

 

“Omma, did you know that antidepressants has a rebound effect of causing the depressed suicidal thoughts?” She looked very worried and I smiled at her. “I’m not depressed anymore. I also don’t have any wish to end my life.”

 

 

 

“Can you promise me that?”

 

 

 

“Cross my heart, hope to die!” I say with matching gestures.

 

 

 

“Kwon Lena!” She says in a warning tone and I hug her.

 

 

 

“Oops, sorry!” I forgot that we shouldn’t speak of death lightly. I feel her arms wrap around me and she kissed my head.

 

 

 

“You know I can stay with you, right?”

 

 

 

“Technically, I’ll be in school and not here.” I straighten to look at her. “You will just be lonely. I know how much you and Appa want to go back to Seoul.”

 

 

 

“I think I got used to taking care of you that I’m having separation anxiety.” She smiles.

 

 

 

“Omma! Separation anxiety is for toddlers only!”

 

 

 

“I send you to university and now you’re a smart !” She jokes and I laugh. My parents have been very supportive about my decision to go to college but it also made them worry because I was going to live away from them. 

 

 

 

My first year in college was actually pretty quiet and I think I got used to being alone that I could handle being away from home. Omma and Appa weren’t the same though. They always come up to school on the weekends and take me home. I could just indulge them. After what I have both put them through, I didn’t stop them from what they wanted to do. I also missed my sister but I chose not to disturb her. Hayi must have a lot on her mind right now. I didn’t want to add to that.

 

 

 

“1 more year.” My mom says and I nod. “You promised you were going to come to Seoul after you graduate.”

 

 

 

“I’ll let you know when I have planned that out.”

 

 

 

“You’re coming to Seoul, right? Your sister misses you a lot.”

 

 

 

“She’s probably busy. She won’t have to think about me a lot.”

 

 

 

“You haven’t talked to her, have you?”

 

 

 

“Omma, we will talk when we get the chance to. I’m not going to have a rift with Hayi.”

 

 

 

“Good. Because I don’t want you two, fighting.”

 

 

 

“We’re sisters. It happens.” She sighs then looks at the cherub. “Imagine if there were 3 of us. I think you and Appa will be having your hands full.”

 

 

 

“I never knew why you insisted on making the baby a girl. I always thought you guys wanted the baby to be a boy.”

 

 

 

“Its because I lived for her. This angel is a reminder that I should go on living because if she had lived, maybe I would have died.” I say. I will always be thankful for this baby. She’s my angel. I’m sure she’s still watching over me. I’m sure she didn’t like what I was doing with my life until recently, when I was finally getting my grip together.

 

 

 

“I will never forget her, Omma. All those years I wasted because I was too caught up on my guilt about what happened to you and my fear of losing you or Appa or Hayi, I know she wouldn’t like that.”

 

 

 

“I’m happy that you’re back, Lena.” My mom says with a tender look in her eyes. “Please don’t close yourself on us ever again?”

 

 

 

“I won’t.” I say before I embrace her.

 

 

 

 

 

Everyday, I get better. Everyday, I aim to be better. I know I'll never go back to the empty shell I've lived in before, and you know why?

 

 

 

Its because I knew just how hard it was to get myself out.

 

 

 

 

cr: gn-a

 

 

Now here I am, standing at the arrival area of ICN. I see my father with a big banner on his hand. He had those big dark glasses and a snapback on. Maybe in case, someone recognizes him. I couldn’t help but laugh because I’m sure he was embarrassed. He opens his arms and I easily walk to him.

 

 

 

“Welcome back, Lena!” He says then he rolls the banner he made. “Sorry about the awful banner.”

 

 

 

“Why did you even make it?”

 

 

 

“I thought you wouldn’t recognize me!”

 

 

 

“Aigoo, Appa! Its just been a year and a half! Of course I would recognize you! Now, let’s go! Where’s Omma?”

 

 

 

My dad grins at me and I could sense his happiness right now.

 

 

 

“Take me to her, pali!” I tell him and we walk hand in hand out of the airport.

 

 

 

While in the car, Appa was telling me all about their life here in Seoul. I couldn’t help but laugh at him. He was really a fool for my mom even after so many years. You can tell he’s as in love with her as when they were young.

 

 

 

“How’s Hayi?” I asked him.

 

 

 

“She’s preparing for her debut.”

 

 

 

“Wow, already? That’s amazing!”

 

 

 

“Lena…”

 

 

 

“Ne?”

 

 

 

“Tell me honestly, how are you and Hayi?”

 

 

 

“We’re fine!”

 

 

 

“When was the last time you talked?”

 

 

 

“Appa, we’re both busy.”

 

 

 

“Ani, answer my question.” I was quiet. Hayi and I haven’t talked since that night we had a fight. “I knew it.”

 

 

 

“Appa, I’ll do something about it. Its my fault. I should have reached out to her but I didn’t.”

 

 

 

“I hope you do something about it as soon as possible.”

 

 

 

“I will. But today, you have to take me to Omma first!”

 

 

 

As soon as my father parked the car, I got out and ran inside the house. I hear the strong cry of a baby. I smile. I’m excited!

 

 

A few months after they came back to Seoul, my parents called me up to tell me that they were going to have another baby! Imagine my surprise! I was so happy I think I went out to get drunk with my friends.

 

 

 

I was supposed to come home when Mom was giving birth. I was pretty worried because she was in her 40’s and I know pregnancy complications get worse as you get older. However, school wasn’t cooperating. I was taking a 2 year course and my load was full. It was exam week. No chance of sneaking a short vacation on my last year. 

 

 

 

But she delivered okay. I was relieved. I promised to come as soon as school ends. So now, I’m so excited to see them. I walk to the living room and found my mom on the couch with a baby in her arms.

 

 

 

“Welcome home, Lena!” She says when she sees me then she turns the baby towards me. “Meet your baby brother. Baby, she’s your Noona.”

 

 

 

I hold out my hands and for a moment, my baby brother looks at me, blinks so many times before he smiles and reaches out his stubby hands. I carry him in my arms and kiss his chubby white cheeks.

 

 

 

“Omma, what have you been feeding him? He’s very heavy but he looks like a marshmallow!” I tease. 

 

 

 

“Marshmallow?” My dad repeats. “He’s not going to like that.” My parents laugh. My dad has joined us after unloading all my luggages. I was so excited to see my baby brother that I didn’t even help him.

 

 

 

“He eats anything.” My dad says. He was hugging my mother from behind. “He might complain of his baby pictures when he grows up. Your Omma just gives him anything he wants.”

 

 

 

My mom swats his arm and my dad just kisses her cheeks. I love seeing them this way. I actually missed seeing them all sweet. I turn to my baby brother and look at him. His face was so angelic, especially when he smiles. Seriously, he looks like a marshmallow.

 

 

 

“Seoul creates miracles.” I say. “Who would have known that Omma will still be pregnant. He’s turning 1 soon!”

 

 

 

“You know your Omma can make anything possible!” My dad said proudly. My baby brother smiles at me then he points to dad. He reaches out a hand to him.

 

 

 

“I think he wants you to carry him, Appa.” My dad immediately gets him. “Why call him little dragon, by the way?”

 

 

 

“Oh you’ll know tonight!” My mom says and my parents look at each other like they’re sharing an inside joke or something.

 

 

 

True enough, my first night back in Seoul was a disaster. My baby brother was wreaking havoc inside the house. He was crying like mad, like a growling little dragon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next day...

 

 

“Appa!” I call around the house but he was nowhere to be found. My mom was making lunch with Nana and I greet  them good morning.

 

 

 

“Lena, its 11. Its hardly morning. You Appa could be in the garden.”

 

 

 

“Jetlag!” I say to her. “I’ll wait for lunch.” I grab an apple from the basket on the kitchen counter then walk outside. Appa was playing with the baby. He was laughing a lot while Appa makes him fly around like Superman.

 

 

 

“That looks fun.” I tell him.

 

 

 

“All kids enjoy this.” He grins at me. “Even you.”

 

 

 

“Ena!” My baby brother’s cute voice says and I was shocked.

 

 

 

“Did he just…”

 

 

 

“I taught him your names after he was able to talk. For some reason he can’t say the H yet.”

 

 

 

I laugh. What can you expect from a baby? I look around the garden. It was almost the same except for a new addition. A cherub.

 

 

 

“Wow, she got here before I did?” I ask my dad while pointing to the statue. He laughs, getting the joke.

 

 

 

“Hayi had it made when we arrived.”

 

 

 

“Oh…”, was all I can say.

 

 

 

“Lena, about your sister…”

 

 

 

“Appa, that’s exactly why I was looking for you. I need your help.” I grin at my dad.

 

 

 

“Help with what?”

 

 

 

“If I remember correctly, you are one hell of a surprise giver, so I need your help to surprise my sister.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAYI POV

 

 

 

“Hayi, we need to go back to the company after this shoot.” My manager tells me while I munch on the salad I was eating. We’re on the set for my album jacket photoshoot.

 

 

 

You read that right! I’m gonna debut soon! Huuurraaay!!!

 

 

 

“How many more minutes?” I ask and he says we still have an hour. “I have to get the make up off before we go.”

 

 

 

“I’ll tell coordi-noona about that.”

 

 

 

I thank him then I drink water before we take more shots. We’ve been at this since early morning. I had to wake up early for make up then arrived at the set at 7. I was really hungry but I’m on strict diet now. 

 

 

 

I am channeling my inner goat.

 

 

 

After an hour, I was on my way back to YGE Headquarters for a meeting with the production staff of my debut stage. We were at the artists’s lounge, beside the studios  and I was sipping on my starbucks while waiting for everyone to gather. (Click & Listen while reading: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1g3yj_wFgMY)

 

 

Heartbeat beat beat Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Heartbeat beat be-e-e-eat Ooh ooh ooh ooh

 

 

 

I bob my head to the familiar melody playing around the lounge while I was playing with my phone. I didn’t even notice that conversations ceased and everyone was listening.

 

 

Saranghan geon matneunji

(Did we really love?)

 

Geujeo gin jeonjaengeul han geon aninji

(Or was is just a long war?)

 

Eongkin gieoge utdaga… unda…

(At the tangled memories, I smile and I cry)

 

 

 

I suddenly stop what I was doing.

 

 

 

“Where is this coming from?” I ask and everyone just turns to me. “This is my song…” I say. No one moves and we were all just listening. How could it…

 

 

Geu nuguwaui johatdeon (gieokboda)

(More than any of the good memories with anyone else)

 

Neomwa hamkke himdeureotdeon sigani deo geuriwo

(I miss the times I spent with you)

 

Wonhaeseo arko isseo

(I want you so I’m stewing in sickness)

 

 

 

“This is my song and I haven’t finished this yet…” I say out loud while I was looking for its source. I looked to the corners to check where the speakers were. Perhaps a phone was attached to it but there was none. I walk to check inside the studios next. I didn’t really know if they could let the people outside the studio listen. I knew that the studios were a very private area in this building.

 

 

 

“Hayi-yang!” I hear Mino-oppa call me when they got out of the elevator. He was with Hanbin oppa and Bobby oppa. “Ya!” He touches my shoulder.

 

 

 

“Oppa, this is my song. I haven’t recorded this! Where is it coming from?” I say, already in panic. 

 

 

 

“It sounds like you though.” Hanbin-oppa says.

 

 

 

“It sounds good too.” Bobby-oppa adds.

 

 

 

I already checked 2 studios but it wasn’t from there. There was 1 more. My hands were on the knob and I enter. I found it! I see my dad and Youngbae Samchon.

 

 

 

“Appa…” I call him but he just smiles at me. “Appa, this song isn’t finished. I haven’t even recorded it.” 

 

 

 

“I know! Why didn’t you ever finish it?” He asked me and I couldn’t answer. I knew that after the chorus it was going to be over.

 

 

 

You are, you are, you a-are

You are, you are, you a-are so special to me…

 

 

 

I hear people whispering that it was good and I turn back. I see that my friends have joined me inside, and so did the other staff. The door to the studio was open. The whole floor was playing the song.

 

 

Its gonna be over soon. Everyone will be disappointed. I walk to my dad to ask him to stop it but then I look inside the booth. My eyes widen. 

 

 

 

There inside the recording room was a person who looked like me and she was singing my song! We even sound the same. I didn’t expect the song to go on and she began to rap, my hands went to mouth to stifle my gasp.

 

 

 

Ige ibyeoringabwa (we died)

(I guess this is goodbye)

 

Ige miryeoningabwa

(I guess this is lingering attachment)

 

Saranggwa jipchakboda do khan byeongingabwa

(Its a worse sickness than love or obsession)

 

Meongcheoreom beonjidaga kkaekkeusi sarajil geotman gatdeon neon

(It seemed like you would spread like a bruise and completely disappear)

 

Yeongwonhi nawa hamkke jaragal gipeum hyungteoingabwa

(But you’re a deep wound that will grow along with me forever)

 

Nae nunmul soge nega sumeul swindamyeon mareuji anke

(If you are breathing in my tears, I won’t let it heal)

 

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