I wake up for the second time this morning and I when I open my eyes I find Donghyun sitting on the bed still inside of the bed sheets, just looking at me. When he notices I am awake he quickly looks away focusing on the ceiling. Weird. was he ... maybe... was he watching me while I was sleeping?? I also sit down on the bed a bit apart from him. 

“Did you sleep well??” his voice sounds deeper in the morning and I can't help but like his voice like this too “Yes, what time is it??” I try to talk normally to him but then I remember holding his hand and hugging him before. ALEX!! WHAT DID YOU DO!! Why couldn’t I control myself?? This is so embarrassing.

“It is early” he answers and I look his way our eyes meeting, silence invades the room. It may sound weird but I feel like I am seeing Donghyun for the first time in years. I don’t want to move my eyes away from his and he doesn’t look away this time.

There is a nice warmth starting to grow on my chest and I can’t help but smile at him, he returns the smile and moves closer to me, sitting right next to me and patting my head slowly. I am surprised at his gesture but I don’t say anything. “You can sleep more if you want to. I have to talk to manager”.

It seems that my mind forgot for a moment what reality is and just wanted to stay like this, looking into his eyes forever but his words quickly reminded me of the failed mission and Xiaoyu. He wants to talk to manager about her, right?? About founding out that she is actually the head.

I sigh and turn to look at him. “No, I need to talk to him too” I have to tell manager what I know about her and what I have heard her saying. Maybe that way we can capture her. I want her to pay for lying to the guys about her death and for hurting Hyunseong too.

“Ok then” he smiles “we will go together” We decide that we will meet in front of manager’s office after taking a shower and changing, then he leaves the room quietly.

I lay down on the bed hugging my pillow after he is gone. I am seriously going crazy because of him. I have no idea why he is acting like this. Why did he sleep next to me?? Was he really watching me while sleeping?? I want to ask him so many questions but ...

I am scared. I am scared of his answer. I am scared that he is just leaning on me because of what happened with Xiaoyu. I am scared that he will change his behavior towards me after his pain is gone. I hug the pillow tighter and hide my face on it.

Tears leave my eyes slowly and the pillow starts to get wet because of them. Am I a horrible person for enjoying the moments when we are close to each other too much when he probably just needs someone to comfort him??  Am I taking advantage of him?? Taking advantage of the pain that he is feeling?? How did I become this kind of person?? Does love is supposed to be like this?? It makes you want to hang on to that someone doesn’t matter what??

After taking a shower and changing into fresh clothes I head to manager´s office. I finally reach the hallway and there I see Donghyun leaning against the kitchen door. “Manager is inside” he says calmly and I nod. He knocks the door. “Come in” we hear manager´s voice.

We enter to the room and manager is sitting on his desk typing something on his laptop while there is a thick file open next to it. He stops what he is doing and looks at us. “Alex, Donghyun. Why are you up so early??”

“We wanted to talk to you” Donghyun answers “Sit down” manager points at the chairs at the other end of the desk. We sit and the mood of the room is suddenly tense. Manager is just staring at us, waiting for us to say something. I open my mouth to talk but Donghyun is faster than me.

“Manager, about the mission” he breaths out “we were able to identify the head”. Manager eyes open wide. “I am sorry I didn’t tell you before but the head is …” I look at Donghyun’s eyes and they are fill with sadness and guilt. I see him opening his mouth to talk but his words won’t come out.

This isn’t fair. Why he must be like this because of her?? Why is everything always about her?? I don’t want to see Donghyun like this. No, I can’t see him like this. It doesn’t matter what he feels, if he just wants comfort I will give it to him as long as he doesn’t feel sadness or pain. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have feelings for me or even if he hates me.

I won’t let her affect him like this anymore. I won’t let her being the cause of his troubles. I won’t let him think about her no more. I move my hand and holds Donghyun’s under the table. I can see on the corner of my eyes how he turns his head towards me a bit taken aback but I am focused on looking at manager’s eyes.

“The head is Xiaoyu”

Manager blinks in disbelief at first but then he sighs deeply “I knew she was involved but I didn’t know that she is the head” Now I am the one blinking in disbelief “Manager, you knew?” I ask slowly. “I received a call from her before you guys arrived on that day. She just wanted to intimidate me for destroying her headquarters. I guessed she was working with CEO and she was bluffing but I didn’t think she have actually became the head”

Manager looks down and a worried expression invades his face. I look down too and realize I am still holding Donghyun’s hand. I loosen the grip and try to release my hand but Donghyun is holding to it while looking at his lap.

Suddenly his grip tightens on my hand “Manager, it seems like she was loyal to the former head from the beginning, since she met me back in the orphanage” Donghyun is still looking at his lap. “She knows too much about us and how we operate, we have to capture her as soon as we can”.

“You are right, we have to capture her but first we need Hyunseong to be healthy again. Then, we will plan another operation” Donghyun nods at manager’s words and I copy his movements. “Is there something else you need to tell me??” Manager asks us but we are both quiet. “Then Donghyun, you can leave. I need to talk with Alex”

Me?? Manager needs to talk to me?? Donghyun slowly loosens the grip on my hand and stands up of the chair. I follow him with my eyes as he walks towards the door and gets out of the room without another word. I sigh and turn back to look at manager.

“Alex, do you remember when you asked me about Xiaoyu the first time??” I nod at manager and he continues “I didn’t tell you all of truth back then, I am sorry.  Would you like to hear a story??“

“Xiaoyu and Donghyun met when they were thirteen years old, they were on the same orphanage and they immediately became friends and grew closer and closer with time.

Then, one day the former head recruited them and they started to work for him. At that time I was working undercover on that organization and I met Donghyun and Xiaoyu. I saw kindness in them, especially in Donghyun. I knew they weren’t bad kids they were just being misled.

After asking a lot of favors and convincing my superiors to help me I was able to start this program and I bring them here. They were like my own kids I took care of them and did everything to try to give them a better live. 

You need to know that to Donghyun, Xiaoyu was his only family, she was his partner, she was a huge part of his live and when we thought she died Donghyun wasn’t himself anymore. It took him a long time to realize that he still had a live to live and that her dead it wasn’t his fault.”

I feel like I am going to be sick, like I am about to throw up. How can you betray someone that you have met for so long?? Someone that is part of your family?? I don’t want to keep hearing all the pain she has caused him, all of the scars she has left on him. “Manager, why are you telling me this??”

“Alex, I need you to help Donghyun” What?? Help him?? With what?? “He would never say it but he thinks this is his fault. Xiaoyu turning into a cold and ruthless person, she becoming the head. Hyunseong getting hurt. He thinks all of this is his fault.”

I clench my teeth in anger and do my best to talk calmly “But it isn’t his fault. It was her who decided to do all of those things. She was the one that hurt everyone around her, she even hurt Donghyun. He has nothing to do with it.”

“You are right but he doesn’t see it that way. As a natural born leader he takes the blame if one of their teammates does something wrong and Xiaoyu has been on his side for so long that he still feels responsible for her in a way” Manager explains but I still don’t get it.

“Manager but I really don’t know what to do to help Donghyun. How do you make someone realize they should stop caring for someone who was once an important part of their live??” A feel a horrible  pain on my heart, like a knife is trying to pass through my heart just because of the words I am saying but no matter how much I love him I really have no idea of how to help him right now.

“Don’t worry about that Alex. You just have to do what your heart tells you” manager smiles at me and with those words he tells me to go. I step out of his office more confused and worried than I was when I entered. I head to the music room so I can be alone and think about what manager said to me.

When I open the door of the music room Donghyun is sitting in front of the piano with his eyes closed and fingers on top of the keyboard. He is not playing any melody he is just sitting calmly, breathing slowly, almost like he is asleep.

My heart starts to beat really fast when I look at him. It reminds me of the time I saw him playing on the piano and I was totally captivated by him, the only bitter part of that memory it was that the song he was playing was hers, was Xiaoyu’s.

I walk closer to him until I am standing next to him, at that moment Donghyun’s fingers start to move, he starts to play the same melody, the melody that belongs to the girl that has caused him so much pain. Why does he keep doing this to himself?? Why does he keep thinking of her?? Why does he keep remembering her with melodies, pictures and even in his dreams??

As he keeps playing the melody tears start running down my face. It is not fair that he still thinks about her. I want her to be just a blur that he can’t remember. I want to erase her from his memories. I don’t want him to feel sad or guilty because of her.

I just want him to be happy, to see him smile. I just want to be able to be the source of those smiles and that happiness. I just want to be able to love him. ‘You just have to do what your heart tells you’ manager words plays on my head on & on like a broken disk and my heart takes over my right judgment and my actions.

I want him to look only at me, to think only of me, to dream only of me. I lean forward to Donghyun and gently brush his lips with mine.

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Finally Updating!!! So this chapter is long because it took me a lot of time to update (sorry for the long wait u.u) and it was hard to convey Alex's feelings. Have you guys ever felt like you have to protect your loved ones?? Even if it is from theirselves?? Well, it is something like that.

In Boyfriend news: The DVD of Love Communication 2013 is going to be realesed in late September and also Go Go Ikemen 5 DVD and CD is coming in early October so I am super excited. I want to watch the movie so badly!!!

Also, there is not a date for Boyfriend's comeback yet :(

BTW: Check these interviews. They asked the guys what animals they would like to be and I laughed so much at Youngmin's answer I think Kwangmin is not the only 4D on the group.... 4D twins??

Animals: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha48SHWrgwA&list=UUmOZTyhea2luossld9Qpu9Q&feature=player_detailpage

Colaborations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Tqwg-ghuRU&list=UUmOZTyhea2luossld9Qpu9Q&feature=player_detailpage 

Well, that is all for now. Thanks fro reading, commenting and subscribing!!

KEEP LOVING AND SUPPORTING BOYFRIEND