*Here's another update for you dear readers, quite long but hope you read the story until the end, and this will have a second part. I wanted to finish typing it and post it as a whole but dry eyes are on the way so.... enjoy the first half!

(Sungjong’s look from The Chaser era; Myungsoo’s look from the Man in Love era; Astro members' look from the Hide and Seek era)

I.

--

It was raining on that day.

Few minutes before the school ends and just like any bored students who wants to go home to the warmth of their homes already, I kept on glancing towards the main wall clock, pretending to be listening to our instructor on Interventions by nodding once in a while in whatever schematic diagrams on nature and man relationship he’s pointing on the digital screen.

I almost doze off, but seeing an unusual figure by the second to the last windowsill, I froze on my spot.

No one noticed her except for me, most of them intently listening to definition of some humanistic belief that actually, I don’t care about. My family’s open-minded anyways, and they don’t think it’s a negative sign that I don’t stick to any sects until now. That doesn’t mean I could actually show that to the society today.

Before I lost track of what I’m trying to say about, there she was, standing still, seeming to be unaware of the rain pouring heavily and just looks inside the room, haphazardly, without any direction.

She’s in the unusual set of clothes I only saw on those glossy pages they confiscated from home.

Blue dress, painted with summer breeze and ocean waves.

Her busted lips and dark circles made her look sickly, and she’s thinner than normal with her cheeks both sunken and the bones in her hands that look like will pop out any moment if she ever tries to do anything that’s too strenuous.

I sat uncomfortably, not wanting to see more of her, of what could be me.

Blinking once, I found myself on the same classroom, wearing the same plain uniform, without anyone else to ask or bother. Perhaps I fell asleep and it was all a dream. Perhaps I was just too into learning the lives of the Nameless.

It’s hard enough that my parents are both specialty scientists focusing on human mutations, yet I kept on being interested on the lesser beings. Like they are the most unique things I could look at.

This train of thoughts was cut off when I realized that the girl I was looking at earlier was still standing at the same place, in the same position as before. This time, she’s simply looking at me, eyes blank and cold.

I want to help her, take her home and feed her. I should just be logical, not those emotional idiots in the movies I illegally downloaded.

She doesn’t move, and I stayed as well. it should have been three hours since classes ended. I’m not surprised no one tried to wake me up though. We’re all colleagues but we’re not friends, just mere acquaintances.

They all believe they’re seeing what they need to see, but shouldn’t it be we must all see what’s there, not just what we think we should see?

All those nameless wanderers that are left to die and rot; not allowed of having jobs or being under shades I think they also deserve to have, and yet what’s with the large budget for nonsense funds? Most of them don’t even really appreciate the sense of entertainment in itself, or the pain of being ill since they’re all taking those useless depressants that we’re all required to take.

After all, my kind mostly came from those large human capsules, as what my father calls them.

Now I get this stubborn feeling of not wanting to go home.

It is really interesting not to take my daily intake of suppressant at all; I just hope Mom would not catch that pile of pills below my bed’s mattress. Those movies are really useful.

It’s fun to be able to think this way but one downside is that, I lost my focus and on the edge of my sight I saw her walking away, as if in a hurry of some sort. This time, I’ll be doing one of the most baloney acts I could think of- leave the school’s premises to follow that kid wherever she’s planning to go.

Screw the rules.

--

Man’s curiosity has brought the society to a new age.

Instead of a woman carrying a fetus in her womb for nine months, life being at stake of the danger it brings, the mature ovum is just withdrawn from her ovary and brought to the lab. This is paired with a cell from the woman’s partner or from a donor, and once fertilization happens, the union which is now a zygote is placed in a special capsule which resembles the atmosphere inside a pregnant woman’s womb, giving it the nutrition it needs without any intervening disease or the mother’s body itself.

With these, other supplements and a method to fix any possible flaws in the genetic code are done to produce a healthy, but now mutated, infant.

No child born from this method is always perfect. Emotional stability is not perfected, nor the level of talents and skills, thus suppressants are taken and special lessons are given based on the family history and tree those children have came from.

It all feels like something that would come from a sci-fi novel but it’s the adapted state of the era today.

The largest problem encountered?

A large portion of humanity had gone against this scheme, despite of the legalization among neighboring countries, and the spread of facilities to fulfill such actions. At the end of the day, no case against these scientists who believe they have made one of the greatest discoveries known to mankind, that  the rebellions built their own towns, and schools, and lived the lives they have grown upon.

For those who agreed for the rebuilding into a ‘new world’ as what the governments try to call it, they are given the privilege of living in the city metropolis, as long as they abide by the new set of rules specific for their given new hometowns. Even those who were born from poor family, jobless and undergoing various problems are allowed to have a much easier life. No wonder that as months went by, seeing those good effects of the changes agreed by the neighboring countries, there has been a drastic change from the side of the people who were once in disagreement with their governments.

After more than 20 years, the area reserved for those who followed their governments quest for the ‘greater good’ of the nation, is now at least eight times bigger than the once cities occupied by the mutineers. With this, the once loud voices turned into silent whispers, and are not even given chance to speak out to the public.

But even if they do try, it felt like an invisible uprising.

--

In bashful expression, they kept looking at him like predators ready to pounce anytime at the poor lamb. He’s not flinching though, more like, exhilarated by the chance he took upon himself to actually see this close the sceneries he wanted to have ever since he understood the situation he was in.

“What’s an Altered doing here?”

He wanted to say that, yes, he is an Altered, but it doesn’t mean he’s like all the other genetically-fixed kid out there. Perhaps, he thinks, it’s because those genetic engineers were in a hurry when it was time to cure his ‘flaws’.

“What you lookin’ at? Got tired of your stupid spotless system that you decided to have a site visit on your own?”

It feels like being a cube of sugar slowly swarmed by hungry fire ants, yet he remained on his spot, feeling quite nervous but not enough to make him run or cower in fear.

He loves seeing them this close, a few fingerbreadths away, dominance showing.

“Stop scaring him you people. He came in peace, so let him be.”

A frail-looking man approached him as soon as the mob made way for him to pass through. He still felt nerved by the murderous glares thrown at him.

“But… wouldn’t they look for you? It’s already this late, and I respect your decision of coming here, but I don’t want any conflicts rooting from this act. You’re kind is too logical that they forget their human side at times. It would be better if you go back home already. For your good and ours.”

Before he could answer, he noticed the same girl he had followed that’s now clinging by the old man’s side, looking glum, lips quivering as if she’s about to cry, and at that time, he was afraid of his own self.

Nodding in a rush, he ran away, leaving the gates and not minding to close those metal blockages.

No looking back at all.

It’s not worth it, isn’t that right Myungsoo?

II.

--

Sometimes I wish of dying.

It’s not that I want to hate the people around me. It’s just that, I hate it that nobody actually sees and just end up looking. I hate it that nobody listens but just knows. I hate it that I feel this way, that I can’t make it into reality with how strong around I act around them. I’m feeling emptier by the day that follows and I’m afraid of what I’ll do. Would I fall and break and end up slashing my wrist? Jumping off a high-rise building? Drinking too much medicine that I could easily get hold of? Piss another person and get killed?

I don’t know how it is to care about but I do care about them. And I hate it that I care too much until I get so attached and block my way towards what I really want to do and want to be. Hate is not a fleeting emotion. It’s poisonous ‘cause it could eat you up alive, yet not let go of that love it always bring beside it.

Maybe I’ll get killed before I could present everything of me to them. That disgusting part of me. That hateful flaw of me. What makes me human that could be an outcast and a member at the same time. How I use pleasure to make me forget once in a while. How dirty I feel afterwards because of the only means of a few minutes escape from the reality I chose to lie on, to stand upon.

Maybe I’ll get killed before I told them of the silent I love yous. Maybe I’ll get killed before they realize my worth. Maybe I’ll get killed so they won’t end up looking at my shadow anymore. Maybe I’ll get killed so that somehow,, they would stick closer together. Maybe I’ll get killed and see them end up drifting apart than before. Maybe I’ll get killed and get forgotten easily. Maybe I’ll get killed so I could easily be remembered.

And by the time that they lost me, they won’t need to worry anymore. No one to take care of the memories left, no one to worry about my pains, for in the first place, I am still a stranger to them after all. No one wants to hear about my story, of how I spent the day at school, who have been my real friends and what nor. After all, a human would naturally think for himself first. No denial in that. In a way, everyone’s partly selfish and needy.

In a way, I feel like a phone near its draining phase, but the charger is missing. And no portable charger would fit in, so it’ll end up dead sooner or later. I’m feeling emptier day by day. Should I just go and leave everything behind me? I’m tired of being a coin bank, and I’m tired of the years all I ever did was focus on gaining money to finish school and be of assistance to them when they don’t even appreciate every single cent I bring them, none at all. All the achievements and birthdays are nothing bur mere events and normal days and there’s no need to celebrate at all.

I’m lost. I just want to finish the maze but I don’t even try to leave it. I’m such an idiot to hope that much when I was younger and still dreaming of lots of things a normal child would dream of.

--

Weariness and fear are both hanging heavily on air

People are lined up for the monthly caravan, with mainly people from the current era traversing across the road, passing from stall to stall, without any solid idea of what they should buy or test out first. The city is bustling with life that it felt so much like their old home, yet it would never be the same, nor last for long.

“You don’t need much of a good reputation to be considered as a good person. In the first place, it would be hard to accept acknowledgement if all that you wanted was to do good deed and nothing else. Now, with thousands of people condemning us just because we don’t agree with their viewpoint doesn’t mean we’re the wrong ones, but that doesn’t totally mean that we’re the right ones too. No matter what, we’re all combinations of too many characters, and it depends on who you give more weight which shows up to them. So don’t mind what happened earlier for too long.”

“Grandma, don’t try to feed such unworthy principles to Sanha, thinking too much is bad for his mental health. I would never visit you in the asylum once you end up walking down this street with a blank look on your face,”

“Hyuuuung!?”

Laughing at the silly antics of the two boys sitting on both her sides, an old woman took both of their hands and places it on top of each other, showing such a bright smile as if just sitting with her grandchildren is enough to make her day.

She has no one else left to take care of her, or to watch over to, except for the two kids who are the only sons of her two children who has died from an accident when they were on a fishing trip, the only time they could bond as brothers after building their own families. Being cousins alone was not the reason they became close. It was more of, Sanha being such a bright and optimistic kid who tries to make the older one laugh or even just smile at any time possible; and Sungjong being such a realistic kid despite of the young age who tries to act as a strong pillar for the younger to hold on, letting him break down and cry to his heart’s content.

Even the way they carry their selves show off their character strongly, with the contrasting colors of their clothes and the way their hair looks, pulls the crowd to look at them funnily and snicker at how odd the pairing seems to be.

“You’re too much hyung, you know that I’m smart if I try to study well.”

“Do you even try?”

“Grandma! That Sungjong is too much, let’s just leave him here and let’s go to that fare. Let him suffer him and ground him.”

“Tss, childish. Are you sure you’re supposed to be in high school already and not in preschool?”

“You two, stop it already or I’ll cancel the tour tonight. Just fix yourselves already and wait for me here.”

With that, the old lady stood up and returned to her room in preparation of visiting the monthly fare, wanting to see more genuine smiles from the two boys, knowing how they were not able to fully enjoy their childhood after all that happened from the past years. Being born on an era that wants to rebuild itself by playing with a human’s life itself, being someone who wants to remain with the norms and traditions is one ticket of being unaccepted.

Almost everything has been limited for them, and this short time allowed by the government for their kind to do monthly caravan as long as they pass for an approval of travelling and selling various commodities and items, is a short flicker within days of darkness.

Sanha’s train of thpughts, smiling weirdly from this once a month chance of normal enjoyment, was broken by Sungjong’s hand ruffling his curly hair, who enjoys annoying him a lot. Not out of wanting to inflict pain but out of wanting to see such an adorable sight of flushed cheeks and cute pout.

“Ah, hyuuuung!”

“Shut up and fix yourself, you look like a weird kid.”

Laughing loudly from his cousin’s antics, he pulled him towards their shared bedroom, mind looking forward to what new memories he could build with only family left.

--

Nightfall came but the people are livelier than ever.

The streets are lined up with bright LED light, some sellers shouting with enthusiasm to attract more buyers, kids pulling their parents towards the sweets’ stalls, to make the story short, they are all enjoying theirselves even from the smallest of things.

Sungjong was dragged by an overly excited Sanha, while their grandmother decided to stay with her long-time friends who have created their own stall selling herbs, spices, and other medicinal plants since it would take another month to exchange lots of unspoken tales.

“Let’s go to that-”

“I know, I know, you have told me about that stall selling robot figures for the nth time so just shut up and stop pulling me! Or would you rather have me stitch your lips?”

“You love me too much to stitch my lips so, poor you.”

“Brat.”

“Sanha! Oh, hi Sungjong hyung!”

His cousin’s smile looks like it would rip his lips anytime soon so instead of joining the fun of meeting their friends, the older one tapped the other two at the back of their heads stronger than usual to bring them back from whatever clouds their sitting on.

“Just hug each other already, your smiles are creeping me out.”

“Sungjong hyung, you’re being too much again!”

“Whatever, Ricky, just bring this kid to wherever you guys wanted to go. Give my regards to Jaejin and the others.”

“You’re not coming with us?”

“Right! I just remembered, he wanted to buy new shoes for quite some time now. See you later hyung!”

“Take care of him for me, I’ll just meet up with you all later on that herbs stall where grandma is.”

Nods and waves then nothing else.

Sungjo ng stood at the middle of the street, watching as the two boys talked animatedly, making sure they would not look back anymore before moving away from the crowd, taking a path far from where they expected them to go.

For now, what  he wanted is to clear up his mind or he’ll be consumed by another wave of nausea.

Stupid depression. Stupid breakdown. I’m fighting you so just leave already.

III.

--

The night is still young, but he left the fun for some time of silence and stillness.

The day is awaiting him but he decided to hide and be cradled by darkness until he still could.

“Aren’t you that Altered who came here last few nights ago?”

Looking at each other, both pair of eyes show more curiosity rather than fear or awkwardness. Only the lights from the streets serve as illumination to the unkempt garden they both decided as their haven for the moment. The glasses at front are mostly broken, if not covered by vines and wild flowers, serving as shades to make them unseen from the perspective of those outside.

Yet they could clearly see what’s outside, people enjoiyng life and loving the bright spaces.

“What… how did you-?”

“I know that  your kind heal faster than a normal person like me, but you’re not immortal. Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

Without asking for permission, Sungjong sat without second thoughts beside the other, pulling his legs upward the only remaining unbroken bench, arms hugging his knees closer as if a moth not wanting to escape his cocoon.

Myungsoo on the other hand just look at him weirdly, controlling his self to avoid petting the other’s head despite of how adorable he looked at the moment.

“Um… I…”

“You’re an altered, I’m sure you don’t stutter.”

“Why- why do you keep on generalizing all of us? It’s not like were copies of each other.”

“Can’t your kind receive such meaningless comments? Tss, I’m betting you’re a brat too. What made you escape that sanctuary of yours? Don’t tell me this isn’t the second time you went here out of nothing?”

“Your lives entice me.”

“Really? In what part is this life attractive? Do you want to suffer? Do you even understand the meaning of the word suffer?”

“Better than having a monotonous and planned life.”

“You’re just saying that because you haven’t experienced the reality we’re all trying to survive. You’re cages in such shelters that I hate and get jealous of at the same time. I hate you.”

Instead of being hurt and fighting back, Myungsoo can’t help but smile with those words that left the lips of the stranger, making him feel how nice it is to have a normal conversation, genuine and not made out of scheduled talks or for arguments.

“This feels nice.”

“Huh?”

“Experiencing your life, even for a short time. I feel envious towards your kind, you know that? I wanted nothing else but to live like you.”

“You’re weird you know that?”

“Heard that more than a hundred times already.”

“You sure you’re an Altered? You’re just as crazy as me, this is crazy.”

“How I wish I was born like you.”

“Whatever. Anyways, you’re breaking my solitude, this is supposed to be my alone time.”

Laughing louder this time, Myungsoo held the other’s arm to control his shaking, while the other just shook his head and clamped his other hand on the other’s lips to stop his noise before they get caught and, well, he can’t imagine what would they undergo after getting caught. Seconds later though, he was laughing along as if they have been close to each other for a long time already.

For now, it felt right, and that was enough.

Tomorrow could worry for itself and not bother this newfound sanctuary at present.

*Lovelots, feeling a little sick so I don't have much to say here if my throat is inflamed in real life, I know, I''m weird *insert evil laughter*.

*Anyways, don't get sick like me so take care of yourself everyone!

#myungjong.for.life