*I'm tired and sleepy and bored, and pressured and this is the result.

*Let's spread the Myungjong love!

We love

We cry

We wring in pain

As the last tear fade

We keep on believing

There’s better beyond what we see in the present

“Why do you still show your face here, after telling the whole world how gay you are? You’re such a disgrace to us, just vanish already. .”

‘’I’m sorry, if I keep on being seen with you, they’ll make fun of me too, or worse, I’ll lose them all, I hope you understand.’’

‘’You should take a break from these all, maybe have the vacation you always asked from us. You might realize that you’re actually straight after meeting all the fine girls in whatever destination you choose.’’

‘’And to think that I agreed to shower with him because we’re all in a hurry to go home after that soccer game.’’

I just want to congratulate them for those words really hit me hard.

There is one point in your life, when you think it is better to lose yourself, to just run away, and forget all the pressures pushing you. This is reality, that no matter how you hold on to yourself in being the best, you just end being just better, or plainly good. You also get tired. That is possible. But, even if the entire world seems to fall apart and all the other see you as just a speck of dust thrown by the wind’s push and pull, any surprising curve might occur, and without you noticing it, you’re already on top.

I may sound bad, but what I’ll say is just the fact, of the true me. I am striving hard, I am working rigid, I am trying to look strong, not for the betterment of myself, but to prove something to those who look at me but seem to be looking straight to the wall. Like, there’s nothing to look at, just thin air.

We share the same ideas and ideals right?

We keep on holding on

Though it’s thorn we are clutching

We keep on walking hand-to-hand

Above the road made of jagged stones

It’s always that hope that keeps us on our feet

Though all around us seem to shout we’re not meant to be

That’s how I lived my life from the day I learned to understand things. It is a complicated world. If you don’t know how to live to survive, people will just strangle and tear you off easily. My mistake? I haven’t done anything that is truly for me, for my real dreams. And now, I am starting to slowly act.

I won’t just do things to prove myself, I would do good things to reach the best that I can be. I won’t just achieve, but achieve with the words and presence of those who believes. I won’t remain inside a box, but show what really I got.

I know I am not a pure individual. I have tried lying. I have tried hurting myself. I have thought bad things towards person who hurt me, for I did not fought back. It was a part of me. I’m trying to straighten things out now. Others may just see me smiling and helping them when they need a hand, but they do not know, that the superficial me is near-opposite of whom I really am. Lucky me, I haven’t erupted yet, and I do not have a plan of bursting out.

I grew up without anyone totally pushing me, admiring me, taking care of me, and just seen as an investment.

I also want to help those who are like me.

I know I can.

I’ll wait.

Happiness is just around the corner, and if it’s time already, I’ll just feel it, and I’ll just smile without any hesitations or faking it.

And then you came. Without a word. Silently, you stood beside me and listened.

I am wounded but I don’t want to stop

I am crying yet I don’t want to end this

I am trying hard but it’s not enough

Is it right if I now want to put an end to this?

Love song of ours

Every look, every hold, and every touch we’ve had

Love and pain come together

Like Ocean and the sand

Let’s stop this fantasy we always dream about

End this love song

We hum

We sway

Though there’s no background orchestra

We own the night

And the moonbeam’s our spotlight

We have flaws and say fuss

We cared about life

If today’s the last time

I need to say this real now

I don’t need a remote control to correct things I’ve made

I don’t see you as a mistake but a gift

Listen I don’t want to keep you hanging

Now I don’t believe in happy endings

You, right there on the stage, admired by others, loved be your fans and supporters, cared by your parents and friends, that’s where you belong. You shine so much, yet you’re actually fragile. I know.

We’re the same.

But I won’t allow you to feel what I experienced after the honesty and breaking of silence.

You don’t deserve being pulled towards a hellhole. You deserve so much better than that.

So I’m staying here hidden by the shadows, loving you the same as before. The intensity not wavering for a bit.

But don’t find me.

Live not to survive, but to experience the things I haven’t got the chance to do, like simply sleeping without crying yourself despite of your eyes closed and pushing the tears away.

No one needs to know that among the millions who expressed their love for you, among the hundreds who confessed but was not given the chance, the real reason is you, never wanted all these attention at all.

That while I was hurting, you were just not only at the sidelines, watching, waiting, but right beside me, holding my hands, willing to defend me and show your real self as well. But in the end, no one knew about the person who pulled me from the judging crowd. They called you same names as me; no way I’ll let them know it was you.

Don’t find me among those who watch you every time you come back with good music.

Don’t sing as if you’re always missing someone despite of the happy lyrics.

Don’t think of me anymore.

‘’Hyung…’’

‘’You always know where to find me. Stop being so careless Sungjong. There might be paparazzi following you all this time, lurking in the dark, just waiting for the scoop of the year. And it’s getting colder already, you must go home now.’’

‘’I can’t let go. Why would you want me to leave you so badly?’’

‘’We’re still young. There’s so much more to discover, and we can’t let our own little worlds be closed just for the two of us. You’ll understand me once you realize there’s much more to life than just staying beside me in hopes of a happy ending. I’m telling you right now, there’s none.’’

 ‘’Why are you doing this Myungsoo hyung?!’’

‘’Because we’re both better if we don’t cross the line, and live each other’s life before we have met each other. It’s less complicated. More quiet. You got the career you always wanted, so don’t waste your effort by your nonsense wants. If after ten years you still want to return, I’ll consider it. But to be honest, I know you won’t be able to hold to that promise for that long.’’

‘’Just you wait, I’ll come back after ten years and prove to you that I’m not the person who would let go and forget that easily.’’

After a single wave, you returned to the warmth of your new home. Without me to lull you to sleep. But I know you’ll be fine.

I also know that you’ll forget the words you’ve said before you walked away.

The truth is, I’m the one holding on to that promise.

But, you don’t need to know.

Let’s toast our last cup of coffee together

This cake now taste less sweeter, now sweeter than our love

But this is not greater change

Than ending this

Love song

That we once sang.

*I know, I know, I kept on writing angst, but please do bear with me. I realized that even though I create a plot for a story I'm plan to write, it kept on going the other way, not as I planned. In the end, I just kept on typing and this is the fruits of being deprived of coffee.

*Lovelots to those who found time to spend some time here.

*Don't cry okay.