*Hello! I'm back with another update. Our team had its last day of duty last wednesday, and that means, more serious time for review! But I'll find time to keep on updating my stories, 'cause I love writing, I love these artists, and I love you dear readers. Wish me luck for our upcoming practicals. =)

*Here's a myungjong version of a chunjoe fic of mine. Enjoy!

If a person starts forgetting his dream, he learns the art of pretention; when he is expected to do well in the future, he learns how to be that someone adored by the crowd; and if he is placed in a life planned ahead for his own good, he learns how to strive forward until he lose his breath trying.

Living with all these, trying to be someone others have pictured out and associated with those achievements and attention gotten, doubts form and that person would start hiding his real weak self deeper to avoid disappointing those who wanted to see him on top of his game. Yet, those motivations thrown upon him through sweet and encouraging words were not warm at all. They were said so that he’d know what direction to go.

And silently, he’s crumbling out of his secret that he’s simply lost and feeling empty.

But everyone around him sees a bright smile and a confident stance; fooling them and making them believe he’s really where he wanted to be.

“So how’s the review of our future Atty. Lee?”

He didn’t answer, nor showed any action to confirm that he noticed the presence of his mother who, despite of her age shown by the lines etched on her face, still exudes an aura of elegance and grace. Emphasized by her use of high stilettos adding to the glamour, the serious-looking boy should have looked at her already after hearing the sound of clacking against the marble floor.

“Looks like my son’s really serious about this huh, then I’ll just go now and not disturb you then. I’ll let one of the maids bring you your favorite Ceylon tea.”

Hearing the steps completely disappear and his bedroom’s door closed in a gentle manner, he pulled a pair of black headphones from his workbag beside all the scattered medical books, some opened in a certain page placed with bookmarks for an easier review.

Attaching it to his IPod, he pressed play after deciding on jamming with Greenday. He actually got two IPods, the second one which he uses at the moment is always hidden and is only used during those times that no one is around to poke through his personal space. Containing what people expect from his is the first one which he uses in public to avoid further questions, and is full of music that bores him to death. It would not sound right when he says he love rock and RnB while his parents are fanatics of classical and orchestra music.

Closing his eyes to rest it for a while from hours of studying, he leaned backward on his chair and thoughts of the nearing board exam in medicine took over him.

“It would be great if I pass this as well, right hyung?”

The last words were said in a whisper, while looking straight into the beige wall focusing into nothing in particular. He wished that those words were light enough to be carried by the wind until it reaches heaven, where his brother is now a part of. It would be nice to hear from him as well, he thought, though he knows it’s such an impossible wish, to be answered and not just listened to. He kept on sending messages in a one-way process, it just adds to the gap that started from a small crack within him.

“You’re so selfish for leaving all by yourself. You should have taken me along with you. At least I won’t need to carry the entire burden alone.”

Taking the headphone and rubbing small circles on his temples, three knocks on the door stopped him from speaking again to a long lost person. Letting her in and throwing her a warm smile as a greeting, face calm as usual as if he wasn’t just listening to the sound of Secondhand Serenade awhile ago, made the young woman blush before smiling in return and placing a warm cup of tea on his work table, the sweet scent wafting throughout the whole room.

“Don’t tire yourself too much sir Sungjong, it’s not good for the health,” she said, concern dripping from her voice.

“Thanks for the concern, but I’m fine. I need to work hard as much as what I want to earn right?”

The other nodded as if on reflex, ‘cause obviously she’s not listening with her eyes glued onto the pretty boy’s face.

“I’ll just call you if I need anything more. You may go now,” he continued while writing on a piece of paper using pencil, louder than he actually scribbles pulling the lady out of her trance.

“Ah-ri-right sir. I’ll be going now,” she stuttered after bowing down and hurriedly left the room, not noticing the smirk on the boy’s face caused by her actions.

‘’Why are their hearts that weak when I did nothing but act gentleman around them. They’ll probably lose interest once they discover all my secrets, won’t they?’’

==

‘’How lucky it is to have our parents’ force us to be friends and how unlucky it is for them once they know that we’re both lying and hiding our flaws to them!’’ the sun-kissed one who’s hair are sticking out in all directions exclaimed while holding up a bottle of beer and clinking it to the one held by the other.

‘’Your celebration is as boring as usual. You didn’t even tell the pizza shop to make the half plain pepperoni as I always do for you.’’

‘’Well, I just passed the final exams, although it’s accompanied by some thoughtful words from Dad for not topping the class. So let me be for now. And you, well, you’ll surely pass that bar exam and be the lawyer your parents would be proud off. Let’s toast to our present problems and future predicaments to come!’’

They were laughing loudly, yet their smiles don’t reach their ears. Inside the apartment that they share, they show their real selves, yet they still feel that shell that cages them in. their parents know about their crib, which they made them believe as the place having a good environment for studying. Though they were offered a condominium, they rejected it and chose for their selves, reasoning out that they were the ones studying so they would know where would be the good place to stay in to keep them away from distractions and temptations.

It was simple. A two-storey complex with walls painted cream. They didn’t bother to buy extravagant sofas and items, picking simple ones for the sole reason of comfort. Keeping the look minimalistic, though they wanted something more vibrant and alive, was for their families not doubting about it. It would be scary imagining their parents having a surprise visit and they saw the place decorated with fluffy childish stuff toys, gothic artworks and paintings.

‘’Do you think they’ll disown me once I fail this?’’

‘’Eeey, that’s impossible. They’ll just probably tell you to work harder next time and feed you with more knowledge on the justice system and law and all that boring stuff. I wonder how you digest those books, I hate your subjects.’’

‘’You still really don’t know them that much, huh.’’

‘’You’re right. I really don’t know them like the angel you are. Go on, shout out and cuss their names until you’ve got the chance. Throw all those profanities, it’ll be a lot lighter afterwards.’’

‘’Damn you all! When can you off from my life and just go to hell where you all belong?! Damn you! you all heads! Wow, I’ve never cursed that much since I graduated from high school.’

‘’Well, thank me for that by allowing me to take a picture of us together.’’

“That’s the lamest wish I ever heard. You know you could wish for something better, like me treating you to lunch or buying you that sweater you liked or-”

“I still want your picture!”

His face was flushed from taking in five bottles of beer in a row despite of having a low alcohol tolerance. Looking back towards his bestfriend lying on his stomach and trying to be cute to him who’s sitting at the floor beside’s the edge of the bed; he decided to do his part. Sungjong knows that when Myungsoo starts acting like a spoiled kid and doing aegyo that he hates doing, he has reached his limit.

“Alright, you’ve had enough for today Myung, give me that bottle,” he said reaching out to the bottle of the guy’s right hand who quickly dodged him from doing so.

“No! Not until I take a picture of us!”

And there comes the hardest part. Myungsoo never shuts up unless you give him what he wants, and seeing the black-haired guy pose cutely, sitting like a maiden on a kotatsu and hands closed in a fist at each side of his face about to do a buing-buing, he knows he need to act quickly.

And before he vomit from all these weirdness coming from his bestfriend, Sungjong stepped onto the bed and flopped next to his now grinning bestfriend. If not for his adversary, he could be already laughing his off seeing the photographer in a fit of hiccups yet trying to smile at the same time.

“Alright smile prettily okay? And no, don’t be that far from me and act like we’re really this close!” crosses finger, “Again! That smile’s too fake.”

After a dozen more shots, Myungsoo was finally satisfied with a picture of him leaning in to Sungjong’s shoulder while the latter hugs him close in a protective manner. Somewhat  the opposite of what they do when they’re sober.

“What’s so special about us taking pictures anyway? It’s not beneficial at all.”

“It is! Especially when Dad decides to transfer us all back to Nevada, that means I would not be seeing the only person who really knows me well. I already memorized your face, but just to be sure, I’m keeping this picture.”

And another thing he hates when Myungsoo’s drunk, the kid turns into a really honest being, so he hides him every time he drinks more than he should in parties and family gatherings. The guy’s tongue could reveal everything about them.

Tonight’s just the same.

Usual routine went by, except that Sungjong’s the only one left to clear out and dispose all the evidence of their secret party. Myungsoo has passed out after mumbling words about their pictures and that Sungjong’s too cute for comfort. After tucking his bestfriend who’s already in dreamland, the brunette fell into slumber as well without even changing his clothes or returning to his own room.

He didn’t mind the pang in his chest after not being able to, as always, voice out that he’ll miss the guy now snoring like a bear beside him, if the day that they need to part come.

==

When you’re young, it’s easier to dream so high and believe you’ll reach it if you just pour yourself into it, but their parents have long passed that point in life to know that won’t always work, and they’ve instilled in their children’s minds since Sungjong and Myungsoo learned how to write their own names, that if they want to lead an easy life, it’s better to follow everything they say and not follow their heart all the time.

They were strangers, both obedient children following their parents’ heel, even attending boring parties to widen their families’ connections and to look good in the eyes of other elite clans in the country.

Sungjong didn’t liked the goofy boy who kept on invading his privacy and intruding in his personal space and hidden sanctuaries, yet he still shows him a bright smile as if he doesn’t feel like pulling all his hair out for another day of handling this oddball. He couldn’t throw him out either, since their parents are good friends, his family having their own law firm and the younger one’s family being into the computer industry.

Sungjong was about to graduate from middle high when everything changed and his fake smiles were replaced by genuine ones. Myungsoo was just as clingy as ever, loves to surprise Sungjong, and coming over and ransacking the older one’s bedroom without any warning in advance, and of course the latter ends up holding on to his remaining patience.

A week before his graduation, Myungsoo decided to give him a parting gift since he’ll be advancing already, that’s when the boy’s face who’s always painted with a goofy smile was replaced with a worried one, seeing Sungjong’s wrecked state. Bunch of CDs were now broken or cut into pieces and are scattered all around the bedroom’s floor, a piece of it held tightly by the flushed boy, just a few centimeters away from his wrist, his hands shaking.

Without thinking twice, he lunged forward and grabbed Sungjong’s hand to halt the crying boy’s plan.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?! Don’t you care about the people who’ll suffer once you’re gone?!”

“Myung… my brother, he’s dead because of me, because he saved me, and our parents are blaming me, everyone does, and I kept on disappointing them and-”

“Hush, that was three years ago Jongie, long time has passed already. And of course no one’s blaming you, you were kidnapped and taken advantage, you’re brother just loved you so much so he came to save you. You were just a child back then, so stop blaming yourself already.”

And then it hit him, yesterday was the death anniversary of Sungjong’s older brother, and no one’s there to share the pain again. He’s parents were always travelling abroad for work , the workers on the mansion stays away from him as what his parents ordered, and he’s been aloof after he returned from that incident. And Myungsoo was not there as well since he just came from a weeklong vacation from Venice, when he was supposed to be there to give his best friend some company and see through it all. That heaps of pain and frustration were already building up causing the tough guy named Sungjong to collapse. He felt guilt, being such a naïve and useless bestfriend.

He should have realized that those healing cuts on Sungjong’s arms were not caused merely by kitchen incidents and innate clumsiness. He should have realized that catching him submerged on the tub far longer than usual was not out of beating the summer heat. He should have realized that seeing him eat less day by day was not simply because of dieting purposes.

It was all him trying to torture his self, depression slowly consuming his very soul. And realizing all of these, he felt how lucky is he despite of a life that tries to push him out of his calm, ‘cause Sungjong’s life was pushing the poor guy out of his sanity.

“No, I’ve always messed up ‘cause-”

“Oh shut up will you?! Stop blaming yourself and don’t try killing yourself again ‘cause I’ll be there to stop you every damn time! If you want to express how hurt you are, punch me straight in the face or just confide to me so we could pour out our hatred to the world together. Just tell me so I won’t worry this much again! And I was supposed to be younger than you.”

His voice seemed to bring Sungjong’s tears into a halt, and now he’s trying to blink back hot tears that are starting to stream down his still red cheeks once again. Closing his puffy eyes, he breathed deeply to calm his still racing heart, but before he could make his goal work, he started to bawl again. As if on cue, Myungsoo pulled him into a hug without saying another word. A silent agreement was done, that no matter what happened again, they’ll both be honest to each other and give their time to comfort any of them who needs support and attention.

That’s also the time he met the real Sungjong, and he’d be lying if he say that he doesn’t like this other side of the pretty boy as well, because he love it. When his bestfriend started to throw him back a snarky comment or when they argue at simple things like what movie to watch or what game to play, it felt more real, that they’re actually becoming more open to each other. He felt proud, knowing that he’s the only one who knows the guy this well, but of course he could never blurt it out to anyone or he’ll lose their days of exchanging secrets and doing activities they haven’t planned ahead.

He’ll be happy to be selfish about Sungjong as long as he can.

==

“What are we doing here? Why did you need to drag me out of the party?”

Sungjong is squirming at his seat, fidgety when all he got was silence from the other who doesn’t zip his mouth whenever they’re together. They were supposed to be within the warmth of Sungjong’s house, celebrating with their families the success of the black-haired boy for passing the bar exam, so he was surprised when Myungsoo excused their selves about a personal event he prepared together with their friends that Sungjong should attend to, ‘cause he knows that they got no other close friends other than each other. Their families, not minding them going out since their real reason of doing this was to socialize with other clans didn’t need to be asked for approval at all.

And now, they’re all alone within a movie house, and Sungjong was totally uncomfortable with all of these. Why does his best friend need to pay for the whole movie house just to spend an hour or two with him and just stay in silence while they’re sitting beside each other? Before he could continue with his thoughts, the screen in front of them started to show The Martian, making his eyes glued to the moving pictures. Few minutes after the start of the movie, he felt a warm hand on top of his, holding it tighter in every second that pass, and he knows who it was but he kept on watching in front of him. He couldn’t bear to let it go, so he let his hand stay still and be held by the other.

“Sungjong.”

“Hmm?”

“We’ll return to U.S. next month.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“But I’m not fine with it.”

Sungjong did not answer, and just sighed deeply. This is one reason why he thought it was wrong to let Myungsoo be attached to him this way. They were not speaking about it, yet he could feel the intense gaze the other gives him every time, when they’re alone or even in the company of their families.

“You should go. You’re the only son so you’ll be the one taking care of your main company there.”

“Can’t they just choose from my cousins? They’re far more responsible than me.”

“But you see-”

“And I can’t leave you.”

Silence.

“Okay, it’s more like I can’t… I can’t live without you. There, I’ve said it.”

“Have you drink-”

“No, and I’m saying this now ‘cause I don’t know when will be the next time I could muster up the courage to be this honest while I’m in my right mind. Am I not allowed to be this attached to you?”

“Yes. You’re not allowed. I’m not allowed as well. We both know that. Our life’s already planned so…. We should take those roads shown to us. We’re never free to choose another route.”

Those words were expected by Myungsoo, yet he didn’t let go of Sungjong’s hand. And the other was not moving away as well. They’re not denying anything, and they know they don’t need to speak to clear things out for their actions show it all. But being able to be open about it and sharing it to the world is a totally different thing, especially when you’re born in a family who would never allow you to throw your responsibility away and let you go that easily.

“Then I’ll take a different lane for this hour, and I’m pulling you with me.”

Sungjong did not understand those words, but before he could ask, a pair of warm lips crushed into his trembling ones, and out of instinct, his hands s around his bestfriend’s neck, making the kiss deeper. It was slow, too slow for comfort but they were not in a hurry, the movie long forgotten and is now acting as a simple background music for the two.

They were both in tears and they could taste it yet they didn’t stop, lips molding together, heartbeats racing together, cheeks warming up from the feelings long cooped up and was released just now.

It was agonizing, trying to make the kiss last longer than it could, and when they let go, foreheads leaning on each other, they were both gasping for air. Nothing was there to stop them, to judge them or take the other one away. How they wish for the world to be like this. They decided on hugging each other for the remaining minutes, Myungsoo inhaling Sungjong’s scent that he loved, Sungjong buried on the crook of Myungsoo’s neck.

As the credits of the movie ended, the older boy slowly unwrap his self from the other’s hold. And in a hushed tone, voice cracking from crying that long, he whispered while looking straight into the other’s brown eyes.

“I’m back in my own road; I’m not following your lead anymore. Return to your own route and enjoy the journey, okay?”

Slowly, he got up and walked on the stairs leading to the exit, and he never felt this weak in a long time, and despite of the loud cry echoing within the dark movie house, he did not look back.

They were already destined to take different routes in the beginning. And like tangents that once met, they’ll move opposite ways without any chance of being together again.

And they’ll pretend about everything again, like what they always do, but this time, they are not there for each other to carry the burden together. And they both believe, they would never be able to share their own secrets to any other person again. 

*I know, I broke them, blame my angst loving side. =(. But we know that what's important is the reality, right? ;-)

*Enjoy your weekends! I have classes tomorrow and the day after, so, I don't know... I'll just listen to galaxy by Ladies' Code. Then to hate of 4minute, then to other girl groups 'cause I feel like it.

#myungjong.makes.my.heart.waver