*I'm getting tired because of all these dreams that seem too real... anyways, to calm my nerves I've written some myungjong again. I'll just post one today though...

*Please do appreciate the life you have right now, it made you who you are today.

*Sorry dear readers for being sentimental. Enjoy!

My walls broke down

I keep losing my senses

The path’s blurry

Don’t hold me now

AGE 7

 I learned not to dream far-fetched things, of unrealistic hopes, and of childish wants, ‘cause I don’t deserve to wish for that. My youth doesn’t give me a chance for that. I need to start learning how to be mature, and accept that once I face reality, there are no sweet sisters who’ll give me candies easily or protective brothers who’ll have time to play with me if I ask of them, there’s no house made of chocolates or car that would take me anywhere I want to discover.

And I hate it that I resembled my mother more, she who brings guys at our house as if it’s not something she should be ashamed off. I look weak, girly, and I hate it every time others call me cute, try to doll me up, or doubt that I’m a boy. I want to prove myself to my father. Maybe he’ll forget his work for once and take notice of me if I become strong like him, if I look him.

That was the time I kept on cutting my own hair short, not waiting to be brought to a barber, and I kept wearing loose clothes and cool caps to emphasize my gender.

That was also the time I first cried in my room, trying all means to muffle the sound, and kept on listening to my parent’s fight that didn’t seem to end.

It was, like any simple child’s life. Yeah right, I wish I could say that as if it’s the truth about me.

There are so much cuts within me

I think I’ll shatter once I start to cry

I leave footprints, but it doesn’t stay for long

Gone, missing my self

AGE 12

Right, birthdays were just a waste of time. Especially when you got a date to go to and a business proposal with deadline to beat.

Just like any other birthdays, I’ll celebrate it with all my DVD collections and mangas in my room, while eating a cupcake bought from the bakeshop nearby, without any candle to blow, and no wish to whisper before sleep.

My mother’s gone to another man’s house, and my father’s even giving him the cold treatment, not caring anymore if she want out on a date or if she comes home late, or if one day she won’t come back anymore, he told me he won’t go looking for him, so I should do the same.

That was the time my look became more feminine, and I became more aloof, not caring about making friends at school, as long as I survive my academic years like anyone else, I believe it was fine. But then my plans already printed and posted on my closet were ruined when one schoolmate who happened to know that I’m the only guy member of the cooking club, which I just joined in order to avoid eating fast-food everytime no one else’s at home, started pestering me to teach him how to cook the favorite dish of our club’s president. He was a year older than me, but I don’t call him hyung, well, he didn’t argue so I stick with having no manners when he’s around.

That was also the time I received my first birthday greeting from someone else aside from myself. And that was the first time I didn’t celebrate my birthday alone, because that guy invited himself to stay the night at my house when he found out that I’ll be all alone on my special day. And of course, I couldn’t say no to a large box of pizza, a bucket of fried chicken, and my very first whole cake full of lemon toppings, all for free. Can you?

“Right! Wait, I know I brought some of those…hmmm…here!”

And that was the time someone lit a candle for me to make a wish, and seeing the pitiful look from his eyes, how could I say no? He looked like a puppy it’s making me feel guilty. Therefore, I broke one of my vows, never to wish for anything impossible.

“Make a wish now Jongie, that’s a must for every birthday. Say it before you blow the candle. Now close your eyes and say it.”

“I wish… for my parent’s to realize how much… how much they really love each other. That’s all. Now, stop bothering me while I choose a movie to watch.”

“Aye, but please don’t choose something boring, okay? Right, a horror movie is a must!”

That was the time, I had my first best friend, who treated me like a real family more than anyone else, who accepted me despite my boring character, and defended me from all those bullies that I just chose to ignore since I ever started school. We actually fought some together, which made us end up in an hour of cleaning classrooms as a form of detention.

It broke my routine, but I won’t deny that those events  and disturbances actually made me feel alive.

No one would know. No one would listen

And I’ll hug myself to sleep alone

I am shattered within

AGE 16

I just congratulated Myungsoo, my bestfriend who helped me from gaining more friends who are actually all idiots like him, from being not single anymore. Remembered that president of the cooking club back when we were just 12 years old? No, she’s not the one who said yes to him, she was the one who actually reached out to him, gave him bunch of chocolates and begged for a date. Of course, he could say no, especially not to a girl who really cooks well.

Blame his stomach for choosing that kind of women.

But the problem was, I needed to push him everytime lunch bell rings because he kept on forgetting her, everytime he kept on playing with me by digging on my own lunchbox, ‘cause honestly, I don’t find it nice at all. It just reminds me of my own mother, that I almost threw a large fit and started to ignore him just to make him go away.

And I knew he couldn’t understand my actions, and that he got annoyed himself, that I believed he would start ignoring me as well. And it went on for days that our friends started to talk us out of it, but we kept our hard facades on.

But when my birthday arrived, with me alone as usual, but no more plans of even celebrating it, and wanting  to just  sleep the whole day just to let it pass faster than it seems, he didn’t fail to come and bother me by having another sleep-over, even though he’s not invited at all.

Why am I even shocked when he kept on doing this every time of the year that marks my road towards adulthood? What shocked me was not the cake he had baked by his own hands, but the fact that he came crying, mumbling things, saying he missed me and that he could never sleep well at night knowing that we had misunderstanding.

A simple hug was all I could give back as a way of saying my thanks. I wasn’t never good with words.

That was the time I realized how I missed him as well, how I got used to his presence so much that if he’s away I felt incomplete. That was also the time I felt so wrong, when everytime he’s around me, I wished that all his attention was for me alone. That was the time I experienced liking someone, and it was my bestfriend, it felt so wrong, very wrong. He’s got a girlfriend. We’re both males. I could never let my father down.

I could never be something else but a straight guy.

“Jongie? You look bothered, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just forgot to bring my lunchbox.”

“Why didn’t you say it earlier!? Wait, I’m sure I brought some-”

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Your girlfriend is waiting for you at the canteen, Hoya hyung just texted me so you better go now. You should never let her wait for you, okay?”

Of course, he sees there’s something wrong but he didn’t say another word. It’s the same, everytime I give him the smile that means I can’t say more, he understands and just keeps his silence to give me time to think alone.

That’s the time I learned how it felt to like someone and act as if nothing had ever changed, even though you kept on thinking about how would things be if he knew.

AGE 20-PRESENT

Every rain seems colder

As it wash my tears away

Wind seems harsher

My eyes are shut tight I can’t take a glance at you

My parents’ fights got worse, and words are not enough now to express their hate for each other. My mother kept on hitting him while my father kept on dodging, that was until, he decided to slap her so hard it made her fall flat on the cold floor.

Have they forgotten about their child living with them and can hear it all? I have accepted the fact though that maybe, they just don’t care at all. They were married, to be considered a family they needed to have a child, to make the illusion of a happy and complete family anyone would see and believe, they needed me.

That was all to my existence. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And then here comes my best friend who had done nothing but bother me more than anybody else.

His first relationship didn’t last, and he was the one who broke up with her, for some reason he would never share with me. Now, he’s with his 5^th girlfriend since then. And after all those girls he took seriously or just flirted with, Hyeri was the best choice he had ever made. This girl is simple, pretty in a natural way, polite and kind, really unique, and we were totally in good terms, that I wish Myungsoo would not leave her heartbroken like what he did to those past girls.

But I guess fate plays with those who doesn’t believe in him.

“Why won’t you tell him? You’re family’s going to leave for the states but you’re not planning on letting him know? Then how would you contact each other once you arrive there?”

“I’m actually… planning on not letting him know.”

I’ve always agreed with everything she says, but now is not one of those days.

Call me selfish and all but I would never let my best friend be heartbroken just like that.

“Well, what do you mean by that? Can you make it clear?”

“I’m breaking up with him. Tomorrow, I’ll call him before boarding. I like him, yes, but I think it’s not that strong to make a long-distance relationship work. Please Sungjong, you’re a really good friend of mine that’s why I’m telling you this. But don’t say this to him, okay?”

I just nodded my head, but I’m sorry Hyeri, I could lie to you, but not with my bestfriend.

You’ll not going to break up with each other once you see him coming to the airport just to let you know what he really feels.

The day passed like any other day, tiring and boring, and I just want to sleep like a log and maybe wake up after 5 years. Right, I need to tell Myungsoo.

“What?”

“She’s leaving tomorrow and she’s gonna break up with you through a phone call before she board the plane. Alright, don’t be jealous now that she confessed it to me and not to you. You should go see her tomorrow before she leaves, and I’ll come with you to make sure you two don’t do anything foolish like not saying anything.”

Right, expect him to not answer back when you’ve said so much.

Or maybe he’s still hurt by the fact that Hyeri is really leaving tomorrow. Can’t blame him though, he’ll be losing such a nice girl.

“Okay.”

That’s all?

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow then. I’ll wait for you at the café near the school.”

No answer, and he just hung up. So much for appreciating such a kind bestfriend like me.

--

I could never follow your lead

Staying here is better

Shadows hide me, they don’t judge

No words of hate, no lies

Just plain solitude

“I’m really sorry. I could not come, but go to the airport and talk to her, ‘kay? Let her believe that you really love her. Good luck!”

I don’t need to hear his answer, as long as everything ends well. I should not let him know about my own pains.

“Stop being a crybaby and follow me.”

“No! I’ll never leave this house!”

“Fine! Stay here if you want, but I’m leaving. Don’t expect anything from me. And never, I mean it, never come to me whenever you realize how important I am for you to live.”

She, my mother, walked towards the main door without looking back. Now that father’s dead, she’ll be freer to do what she wants. Why did he leave when I haven’t proved myself to him yet?

We just came home after the cremation of my father’s body. Were the only ones present, as mother wanted it to be. Not even one had passed since his heart attack yet she goes like it’s nothing big.

Maybe, right now, Myungsoo and Hyeri are back together again. At least they’re happy.

Everything will end well, right?

“Sungjong-ah! What the hell are you doing trying to drown yourself in the tub!”

Why did he have to come here? Why did he need to see me in this wrecked state?

“You think you’re being kind when you told me about Hyeri?! Why did you try to hide this to me?! How can you be so selfish?! Don’t you know how much would it hurt me if you’re the one who’ll go away?! You stupid!”

“How did you…?”

“Sungyeol and Hoya kept telling me that you’re not answering any of their phone calls since this morning. And after that call to me, you haven’t replied or answered my calls at all. How could you be so foolish by not telling me when you can’t handle things anymore?! I don’t care anymore if Hyeri or any other girl choose to leave me, but I could never forgive myself if I lose you Sungjong.”

His hug was warm, opposite of my shivering body. I almost believed that I’ll be gone for good. But it was wrong to think about dying when there’s someone who waits for you. My father made me felt this. I can’t let Myungsoo feel that burden as well.

“It’s fine now, I’m still alive. I’m not leaving you, so stop crying Myungsoo Hyung.”

“Did you just?”

“Yes, Hyung, promise you won’t leave me as well, whoa!”

Before I knew it I was lifted and spun towards the bathroom’s exit. And a kiss, on the forehead.

“I want to hear more of that from you starting today! Wait here okay?! I’ll prepare some soup. Stay still here and don’t plan on barging in my cooking.”

“Yah! You’ll burn the house!”

And I ran after him, and we looked like when we just first met. How fast years have passed

I’m not saying anything, but thank you Myungsoo hyung, for breaking into my life.

I love you.

*The end. Sorry for the angsty moments. I just love writing something sad. But you won't know 'cause they say I always keep a straight face.

*I keep on playing songs from Miss A's Colors these days to hype me up. I love I Caught You and Love Song. How about you guys?

#myungjong.'til.infinity