*Hello dear readers, I'm finally back in a while for an update, This is not based on a request but a sudden thought for a story hit me while I'm feeling tired and groggy from work. I hope you all enjoy reading this though I myself felt bad after rereading it. I really end up writing angst most of the time.

*But worry not, you all know I love you guys. So enjoy!

Their love story wasn’t quite the usual romantic, fast-paced ones that end up with a sweet scene of two person in-love kissing each other passionately. It was just, a typical boring day for students whose minds were filled with either passing for their dignity or for the sake of avoiding their parents penalties for failing.

Protagonist number one was always in doubt, like, how could someone be so happy without sporting an incident or two for a long time? The other main character is, well, most of the time just doesn’t care at all. If he did, perhaps they would have lasted for more weeks, even years. They were both young then, if it’s because they were just on that phase where they enjoy on experimenting things they thought they couldn’t do, or because they were too burdened by every single thing that comes with taking care of a relationship mutually, they are the only ones who know.

After all, being an open book doesn’t mean there’s no folded pages in-between.

“We only broke up, and we both agreed in doing so, now what’s with that look you’re giving me?”

Casting his attention away from his physics project, the coal black-haired boy who didn’t notice his hair sticking out in random places, he pointed his wooden ruler to the other in attempt of slapping him with it if ever he say more nonsense words later.

“First of all, we did broke up but that was just less than hour ago, and mind you, I’m glaring at this sick project of making a tower using popsicle sticks and toothpicks. I’m already pissed off at someone who did nothing but doze off for a few minutes and wake up lazily as if he doesn’t have work to do.”

“You know I’m not that awful, I’m the one who bought the materials, didn’t I?”

“And you’re the same person who dumped all of the materials on my desk and slumped on his own desk to just sleep. Just because you know that I enjoy stuff like this that you get the most out of it. Lazy .”

Pouting, the red-haired boy flicked the ruler away from his face and let his right cheek fall on his own desk, groaning and mumbling something that the other could only understand as words of complaint.

“But you know that I’m a stickman artist compared to a Van Gogh like you, I’ll just ruin that-”

“Then buy me some food. Make some use of that arms and legs and go to the canteen to fetch me some chicken sandwich and red tea. Go now, shoo.”

“That is what we call abuse of power your highness.”

“You were seriously submissive when we’re together and you can’t even do this now for-”

“That was a different story, okay. Fine, fine, I’ll help. But don’t blame me if our project suddenly looks like it’s made by a preschool kid.”

--

The time they spent together were not even near passionate, and resembles their old selves as best friends but they were times that they did exchange some heated kisses once in a while. But rather than receiving butterflies in their stomachs, it seemed more like practice sessions rather than calling it make-outs.

Even before they placed a label on them, Sungjong did enjoy the company and the taking out of some stress through the intimate contacts. High school means less responsibilities and work than being in college but it doesn’t mean it’s not tiring.

Indulging oneself into something that gives you a moment of rush, that makes you forget the problems left at home and you meet at school, that makes you feel important and cared for, even just a short moment of those emotions were bliss for the two.

Both were incomplete.

They did not fill in the gap completely but it’s enough to give the illusion of being complete.

--

“How did you know?”

“That I wanted to be with you? Why am I attracted to you? Or the other way around?”

“No, I mean… that you were into guys, in general… like… when did it start?”

Rolling on his side to look directly at his lover, Sungjong scooted closer to avoid making his voice louder. They have made Myungsoo’s own bedroom as their favorite place of escape, but he still lives with his family that they wouldn’t want them to catch them on uncompromising positions. The dim glow from his bedside lamp adds to the calming atmosphere that his bedroom arrangement gives off, from the old novels situated on a wooden cabinet just varnished and without a spot of paint, personally taken pictures of sceneries and people printed in black and white placed across the wall, to the unkempt bed covered in midnight black sheets and ivory cream pillows.

Right now though, what he loved looking at the most is how Sungjong’s features seemed more ethereal because of the light.

“Hmmm. I guess I’ve always known about my preferences. You remember that time when we were kids and I’d rather save the knights than the princess, which is really ridiculous since we’re only five or six years old back then? I’ve always admired the way girls move and fix their selves; it’s just that, guys tend to kick that spark in me.”

“I’ve always known about you then, I didn’t expect that I would be one as well. You do know that you’re my first in almost every intimate moment I could think of, right?”

Smiling to himself, the younger started caressing the other’s cheek, putting a gentle kiss on it in the process, before setting his head on the crook of Myungsoo’s now blushing neck.

“I know. And I’m happy that you chose me to be your first in almost everything you could think of right now.”

--

They received an A-. At least it’s still considered as a higher than average performance, Myungsoo being the competitive that he is at times, started ranting at the younger for making him participate in the actual construction of their project that would have probably be shown better if he didn’t lend a hand.

“Stop whining like a kid and get over it. It’s not like anyone’s blaming you or anything.”

“But you would have received a higher grade if only-”

“And stop with all the what ifs, seriously. That is one of the reasons why we could never work it out. You’re such a worry-wart. Always worrying s over almost everything… even in things that already happened or things too far in the future. It’s pointless anyways.”

That sealed his lips, but deep inside, Myungsoo wants to keep on ranting on how scared he was to trust in the words that says ‘we’ll always be happy together’ when he saw it crumble in front of his own house after receiving the news from his parents that they filed for a divorce. More than sensing an incoming heartbreak, he felt more scared, afraid to move forward and build his own home.

Especially when he lost his own.

“Fine, I won’t speak of anything that would remind you of the minute break-up, so stop with that face.”

“Why, what face am I showing?”

“You’re whole face is screaming of what ifs and if onlys. You’re not the only one here who have thought about what route could we have took off you know, if ever we’re not the same persons as we are before.”

Silence.

What he said was real. They we’re important for each other, not because they could borrow each other’s assignments or they could copy each other’s notes or they could cover each other’s backs when needed. What they had was precious, they both know it. Just wanting it to last longer is not enough to actually make it last.

“Whatever, just come here.”

Pulling Sungjong for a tight bear hug, Myungsoo sighed contentedly, feeling the warmth of the younger one mingle with his own.

“Seriously, you whined just to have a reason to hug me.”

“Nope, I just miss the free hugs. Not you.”

“Should I be offended now, huh? And start saying my own sentiments to comfort you?”

“Just shut up Jongie and let me hug you.”

--

“You’re being unfair right now, you know that?”

Throwing his unfinished assignment on his own bed, Myungsoo decided to just keep his silence and trudge towards his bedroom’s door. He is not in the mood for another argument when the most frequent thing they do right now is let the worse fight erupt while both of them are irritated or confused.

“So now that I’m the one speaking you’re turning your back around me as if you were not the one who demanded for me to be more attentive towards you. I just don’t get what you are trying to pull off for being a drama queen these days.”

Tired of hearing more tearing words from his partner, the older of the two looked back but stayed beside the ext in case he needs to calm his self for a moment by moving away from one of the most important persons to him, who’s also being one of the hateful persons he know at the moment.

“You kissed him Sungjong. As if I’m not around when you laughed and without any hesitations let your lips touch with his.”

“It was a game for pete’s sake. Are we seriously fighting over such a petty reason?”

“Well it is not just a petty reason for me!”

“I kept on saying that you shouldn’t feel insecurity towards others because you’re already fine just the way you are. I’ve known you for long enough to prove you that. Do you just want me to shower you with more compliments or-”

“Why are you always like that?! Do you think I’m acting this way towards you just because I’m being childish for your attention and compliments and whatever you’re thinking at the moment? I’m being like this because you don’t seem to care about whatever this is that’s left with us!”

“I’m trying to understand you all the time but I can’t let my life revolve around you and you know that! Do I need to even think about what I should do every hour just to please you? Did you even ask if I’m fine with everything that you decide or plan for us? I keep on letting you do what you want and now you see it as me being not thinking about this relationship?!”

“You don’t understand… it’s just that-”

“Yes, I really don’t understand.”

Before he could give any words in response, Sungjong took his backpack and left him standing alone in his room, trying to avoid looking back or he’ll melt by the image of his lover in tears. In his mind, he already had enough of it, of the relationship being unhealthy for both of them, of the presence of each other giving them more pressure than lifting their spirits up.

It was all too much for him.

He knows how it is be in love. Making it work like in the movies is a different story.

--

“I didn’t know you’re close to Howon.”

“Howon? He’s been a big help for my solo dance routine in the performance arts club.”

“Aaah, the one for the academe’s arts week?”

“Yup, for that one.”

Silence.

“What’s with you? You’re looking at me weirdly again.”

“Nothing. I just thought about….”

“No, you don’t need to finish your sentence. It’s fine. I gotta go first. See you tomorrow.”

The way Sungjong left him alone in the coffee shop they frequently go to even after the break up reminded him of how the romantic tie between them ended without anyone speaking of what they really felt back then. There was an agreement, the decision was mutual. But both of them kept it at that. No further explanation, no further demand.

He knows he shouldn’t feel possessive over Sungjong, but he can’t help but have that want to punch Howon straight on the face.

--

He’s learning a choreography more feminine than what he’s used to, and he felt awkward under the strong gaze of the one teaching him the steps, and trying to make his self believe that it was because he needs to polish his dance to the best that he can, Sungjong kept saying his apology every single time he moves the wrong foot or look at the wrong side.

“Wait, I really need to stop first. I don’t know why I keep on messing the steps, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine. No dancer has been that great without doing mistakes before he reach the stage. How about we rest and have coffee for a while? There’s a newly opened café just about a three minute walk near here, my treat.”

“…no, it’s fine. I’ll just drink some water then I’ll practice again.”

Throwing his usual sweet smile, Sungjong moved towards his bag at one corner of their club room, thinking why it was so hard to say yes when he has no more obligations towards anyone’s heart.

And he realized how it’s not only his dance that’s messed up.

--

“When did you know?”

“Know that?”

“…that…it’s better to just end it than make it work.”

“Well…we’re not happy anymore, are we? What’s the point in pushing it through? I don’t want to make more painful memories about us. Then I realized that it’s better back then, when we didn’t cross the line.”

“…even a painful memory is a memory that would be kept, isn’t it? It would never disappear like how pictures could be deleted or gifts could be thrown away. It would just be covered by new stories that we’ll experience in the process of trying to return to the way we were, but it will always be there.”

“This is not your way of asking me to return, don’t you?”

“Nope, I just want to say that whatever we went through, they are still part of who we are and what we’ve done.”

Maybe, nothing has really been cut; it was more of them believing that it had ended because they said so. Because they agreed to.

After all, it is always easier said than done.

--

“What are you trying to do?”

They were only just a few centimeters away from each other, Myungsoo pulling Sungjong towards him as soon as he entered his bedroom. It was supposed to be a normal day, of the younger breaking the silence by having a surprise sleep over. Just like the time they became the best of friends. No one can deny the tension between them though, if ever someone walks in and see the way they look at each other, eyes trying to avoid throwing a glance at the lips in front of him but fails to do so,

“I’m trying to ask nicely if I could kiss you.”

“Why?”

“Why am I asking you or why am I trying to do so?”

Sungjong wants to pull him closer just as bad but instead of doing so, he gently pulled away, looked directly into the other’s eyes sincerely and felt a tear wanting to fall from his own.

It hurts like hell, when you love someone but you can’t make it work.

“You know it wouldn’t be the same if we kiss again like it’s normal. You know it had changed right after we started something we’re not even sure of. You know you’ll try to hope again, and that would mean I’ll hope again. Then we’ll disappoint each other again. Every painful memory would happen again and I… don’t you think it’s too tiring to experience it all over again?

He couldn’t answer back for he himself agrees every single word that came out of Sungjong’s lips were possible. And he’s not sure if he could bear to be more broken than he already are, to see the one he loves more broken than he already is.

That night, they slept with their backs facing each other, trying to not mind the warmth the other radiates, trying not to be consumed by the thoughts of wanting to hug the other so badly.

They are not sure if how long would it take to fix their selves, or would they remain broken until they won’t have any more chances of completing the other.

They want to be hopeful but it all felt pointless.

They both wonder, why a relationship so easily destroyed but love keeps on being intact.

*I keep on giving free hugs to my colleagues and some students yesterday, free hug anyone? And I also love receiving hugs. =)

*So let's all spread the free hug virus!

*Enjoy the weekend everyone, while I'll fall back to my work and requirements for masteral again.

#myungjong.fever