*I've slept enough but I still felt sleep-deprived. How could dreams be so realistic that it tires you out?

*Anyways, I've come here for a different reason, so I hope you enjoy my fellow Myungjong shippers and inspirits!

-…curse the day it felt right to be inlove.-

There will be that one moment where you just want to smack your head out of your neck. Or maybe, just smack it on a wall just to wake up yourself, because you know that whatever you’re going through, it’s too much already.

But before you get your plan going, you back out, plainly just because, you don’t want to let go. Then you end up looking stupid waiting for someone to pull you up while you’re hanging by the thread ‘cause you can’t push yourself up all by yourself.

There will be those persons around, critiquing your actions, telling you to quit, to let go, to give up, just to end the scenes of making a fool out of yourself. But most of the times, you play deaf, just because, it seems too hard to let go of those things tied close to your heart and are treasured deep within your memory box. And every single time you try to let it slip away, it feels like standing on top of a small stool, with rope on your neck attached to the ceiling, and those hands that are there to reach out, willing to remove that rope, just pushes you more out of the stool you’re standing on.

The hard truth? There’s no instant way of forgetting, you can pretend that you don’t remember, but it’s there.

“Yah Lee Sungjong!”

The one called woke up from being dazed and immediately snapped his head towards the direction of the one who said his name. His clothes, exuding the warmth of summer doesn’t, fit his expressionless face, but it doesn’t deny the fact that it makes him look more like a living porcelain doll.

Grabbing the sandwich held by his colleague, he quickly resumed to his work, doing the finishing touches on the pictures he captured from the magazine shoot earlier.

“Hey, that’s my lunch you took! Give it back!”

Before he could bring his hand to his self-claimed property, it was already bitten by the now smirking petite photographer.

“I took a bite already, my bad. You should eat rice for lunch, not only sandwich. You’ve dieted too much Yeol, you look like an overgrown grasshopper now.”

“Tell that to yourself doll-face. You’ve always skipped proper lunch yourself and you’ve got the guts to lecture me about my health. And one more thing, I saw Hyeri with that model again yesterday, and seeing that she likes that type of guy, I’m willing to change myself just to be with her.”

Sungjong just sighed, rolled his eyes and focused on the task at hand. The concept was vintage and the pictures were made to be in the black and white pallete, which makes it more fitting than using the original color tones. It made the images more like, calling to him. He hates it when something so empty could fill him with so much emotion he wants to burst out.

“Sungjong-ah! First you stole my sandwich, now you ignore my presence? What kind of a friend are you?!”

“I’m your friend who has a job to fulfill and a deadline to beat, and I’m the friend telling you right now that if you don’t stop bothering me, you would not be able to finish your job as well.”

Remembering the layouts for a fashion advertisement that he needs to show to their client just an hour away, he hastened his pace, moving towards his own table full of folders, and forgetting his stomach rumbling from hunger.

The day felt longer than usual for the young photographer.

---

“Once I become a well-known photographer, I’ll make you my muse, so you won’t be able to refuse every time I take a picture of you. Then I’ll open up a gallery with just your pictures framed and placed on the black walls.”

“Shut up Myungin, defeat me first before you act all proud and loud.”

“But I’m not energized to do my duty in the photo club today, but if….you give me…. just one kiss, I’ll reconsider competing with you again. You know, just one will do, but if you’re being a kind soul today, I’ll gladly accept two more.”

“There you are again. You’re gross you know that? I’m your guy friend, not your boyfriend. If you’re being a teenager, ask one of your girlfriends to do it for you.”

“Eeey, you’re just being in denial again Jongie, you know you like me, come on, say it.”

And then they will laugh like any other best friends playing with each other.

And when they come home after bonding the whole time after their last class in the afternoon, they’ll regret the seconds they are not being wholly honest with each other.

And deep within they will cry, and curse their hearts for loving someone they think they should not.

And they’ll pretend that it’s all an illusion. That love is an illusion, and whatever there is, it’s better forgotten.

---

“Sungjong hyung!”

He almost stumbled from the bear hug happily given to him by a familiar face. After scanning each other’s faces, and before he could ask about the commotion happening within their once spacious studio, he was engulfed in a now tighetr hug, making him feel like he’s deprived of oxygen.

Rather than warming up towards the given affection, he’s bending towards the irritated side of the road.

Expect the day to give you more problems when you already woke up from the wrong side of your bed.

“I-I can’t-brea-breathe!”

“Sorry! Hyung, I’m really sorry!”

“What are you doing here Myungsoo? And you can let go of me now. Everybody’s looking at us. I don’t want to see my dead body in the front page of newspapers with the headline, killed by the fans of the a famous model after being caught hugged by the latter.”

Instead of letting go of Sungjong’s petite arms, he just hugged him again, lighter this time, giggled like a lovesick schoolgirl and whispered towards the smaller guy’s now blushing ear.

“I’m looking forward to working with you today. Isn’t it nice? I always wanted you to take my photos, and after being in this industry for three years, I’m finally able to see you again.”

And instead of blushing more from the comment, he just felt more hollow, and pushed the taller boy lightly away from him to avoid being hated more by the said model’s fans now glaring at him.

“You just got older and taller and you’re already acting worse than your brother.”

A gentle smile was all it needed to tug at his heart. He doesn’t need to be called the black angel who could make anyone smile with just one look, if he could not see this pretty smile in Sungjong’s face.

“You know, I know this one coffe shop near here, will you have some coffee with me?”

“If we finish your photoshoot earlier than the schedule, I might consider even having dinner with you. So follow my directions and just do your best, okay?”

Nodding happily, he immediately went to his stylist and hurriedly looked for the clothes he needed to wear for his current project. And after being scolded by his make up artist and hairsylist for being jittery on his seat, always throwing a glance at the table where Sungjong is talking with the manager about the concept of the magazine where Myungsoo would model for.

“Could you stay still for a moment L? Or this would take longer than usual.”

“Right! I should hurry. Go on.”

---

“I heard you got yourself a girlfriend, congrats! I’m realy happy for you, and because of that, you won’t ask for me to be your muse nor your temporary boyfriend. You’ve realized that you’re actually seriously straight, right? So now-l”

“What the hell Sungjong! Don’t you really care about me?! Are you really that stupid to not see that I’m actually serious about how much I like you?! You’re willing to just give me that easily to that stranger just because you heard it from someone else’s mouth?! What’s wrong with you?! What’s wrong with us!? I’m gay and I don’t care if the world hates me for being one, I just need you to accept me.”

“Myungin… you’ll just hurt yourself if you insist on being with me. An easy life, that’s where you belong.”

“See, you’re not even denying that you like me as well!”

“This is not about what I feel or what you feel… I’ve got my own plans in life, and I know that it’s the same for you. Once we step in college, you’ll realize what I’m trying to say. Right now, we should head towards that diner near-”

“Shut up, just shut up! I’m tired pretending like I’m not having fantasies of a future together with you, and if you can’t be honest with me, it’s better if you don’t talk to me at all.”

And they will not talk for days. Then weeks. Then months. And they would wait for each other to say his sorry first. But they won’t hear it. Nor say it.

And they will enter separate colleges, take separate paths.

And after they come home from a tiring day full of activities and surprise quizzes, they’ll regret those seconds they stopped being best friends and ended the bond and comfort they will always find in each other’s presence.

And deep within they will cry, and curse their hearts for loving someone they believe they could never have.

And they’ll pretend that it’s all an illusion. That love is an illusion, and whatever there is, it’s better forgotten.

---

“Stop spacing out will you? You’re in the middle of a photo shoot but it seems like your mind is wandering somewhere else. Please L, focus.”

“Hyung…”

“Let’s’ continue.”

His images need to be vibrant, to shout his youth, to tell his freedom and liveliness. The background and setting were almost perfect, his style was just as attractive as well as his face. Yet it doesn’t speak to him. It’s lacking and he’s not satisfied. Not even a bit.

“Change him with his next set of clothes please. Thanks.”

Setting his camera with care on his working desk, he then walked towards Myungsoo’s seat, where the guy seems to be not at ease, nervous and sweating though he’s wearing thin clothes inside a fully air-conditioned establishment.

“You know what, I don’t see the L that shows confidence in every picture. Please, don’t look like you’re in a hurry ‘cause you look like a college student worrying about his coming end term exam and I mean it. You look more stressed than your brother when he failed algebra in high school. Loosen up and enjoy, will you?”

 Before he could walk away, a hand grabbed his wrist, and pulled him closer.

“Don’t compare me with my older brother. He left you and give up just like that. I won’t. You could treat me worse than how you rejected him, but I would not leave you easily and give up.”

Sungjong, feeling pity towards Myungsoo, just shook his head and gently removed the other’s hand. He already has so much problems to think about, he doesn’t need another one to add on his list.

“Aren’t you a little persistent little boy? To tell you frankly, you never had a chance since you confessed to me when you were just a kid.”

What’s more best way to erase persistence than kill the confidence?

---

“Sungjong hyung!”

“Oh, what brought you here Myungsoo? How did you know where’s my dorm? It’s far from our town.”

“Look! I got medals! Thank you a lot!”

“Huh?”

“You’ve always been my inspiration and now that I graduated from high school, I’m not a kid anymore right?”

“Yes, I think so. And what are you trying to mean? I’m busy with my thesis so-”

A kiss. On his lips. From the dongsaeng of his once best friend that is four years younger than him.

He had lost count of all the past confessions of Myungsoo since he was in elementary and the latter who is now smiling like an idiot was just in kindergarten, and he never took it seriously. But after what happened. It seems to be more dangerous than the usual crush.

They haven’t seen each other since high school, but he kept on receiving letters from him, and now he discovered where he currently stays. He sure is sweet, but all Sungjong sees is an adorable kid who’s better as a sibling than a budding romance. Especially when he doesn’t like him at all in that way.

“Stop this nonsense and go home.”

He may have sounded harsh that day. He may have been a bad hyung that day. But he doesn’t want to see such a nice young fellow to waste his time and effort in something that will never be.

There will be times when it’s better to be hated than liked.

“I won’t give up like Hyung did! I’ll prove myself worthy of you, just wait and see! And you’ll never see me as a kid anymore!”

---

“Stop using that older card on me. I’m even taller than you right now.”

“By merely centimeters only. Stop bragging about your physical attributes being more mature-looking than me, for that does not change the fact that I’m still your hyung. And please cooperate with me for this project of yours.”

No more words were exchanged; just a few glance once in a while. What Myungsoo showed next during the photoshoot were not the quirky and free spirited boy he was supposed to be in character, but a more manly and stronger image, yet it was better than Sungjong expected. It actually added to the vibrancy of the setting, much more interesting and talking.

 And even though he doesn’t want to do it, being a man who stays true to his words, Sungjong ended up spending his free time with Myungsoo in the café he has told earlier.

“Myungin… he’s getting married next week.”

The petite guy’s wide eyes quivered a little, then he just smiled once again as if his first love doesn’t affect him anymore, but it all looked fake. He knows he had accepted the fact that they won’t be able to be together like the old days, that there’s a really huge gap between them now, but that doesn’t mean he had stopped loving him.

“Why are you telling me this now? To get back at me ‘cause I rejected you again?”

“No, I did this so you could stop thinking about him. So that you could start looking at others who could actually give you attention without you asking for it. So that you could start forgetting him and all those pains that he inflicted on you.”

“You really are still a kid after all, thinking that it’s all easy as that.”

“Can’t you just give me a chance?”

Myungsoo’s eyes doesn’t show his fighting side; it is much gentler than that. It looks like a puppy waiting for his master to come home, and Sungjong just wants to comfort him at the moment, but he never reached out.

“After all this years, shouldn’t you be the one who could understand me well?”

“You could stop loving him if you really want to Hyung, you’re smarter than to stick with your feelings that would never reach him now.”

“If it was so easy to forget the one you loves because he just cause you pain, you should have already stopped pursuing your love for me a long time ago, right? We’re just the same, and everytime you’re asking me to stop, you’re also telling that to yourself. But clearly, we both can’t.”

It hit him hard. Every word that Sungjong said, it was right.

“If it’s hard for you to forget him, well, don’t expect me to stop following you. Just like what you said, we’re the same right? That means we fit better together.”

He tried to pull of his usual playful side, but he just looked like a tired young man. Their coffees were long forgotten and have lost their warmth, and the whipped cream have already mixed with their constant toying of their drinks without sipping a bit. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still coffee.

“Shouldn’t you head home by now? I suppose you’ve got more jobs in line so you better rest well.”

“You’re being the nice hyung again. You know what; it would have sounded better if we’re a couple already.”

“Oh just shut up black angel.”

“Eey, don’t call me that, I don’t even understand why they labeled me like that.”

“Stop scrunching your nose, it distorts your handsome face.”

“Did you just admit that you find me handsome?”

“Stop imagining things and go home already. And give my regards to your brother and the lucky girl.”

“You should come to their wedding, I’ll make you my .”

“No chance kiddo.”

They both laughed the same honest laugh they had when they first became good friends.

They said their goodbyes and walked the opposite roads.

But Sungjong stopped on his tracks, looked back and saw the figure of Myungsoo getting smaller in every second.

“Maybe, just maybe, I'll take the risk this time.”

Whispering to the wind, wishing that it could reach the diminishing image, with a lighter heart he reached his own home.

Later that night in his sleep, he'll dream of a future he always wanted, totally free from his dreaded fears and accepted.

There will be that moment when you could forget about your own pride just to not lose those that are important to you. It’s fine to be forgotten, or be unnoticeable, or be feared by the society that surrounds you, except for those that you love.

And this time, when he sees a certain hand reach out, he'll hold on to it and never let go.

*Just happy that I found another friend who's a fan of male couples like me and my sisters from different parents. When we find enough budget, we hope to attend a cosplay event, what if we meet Baozi and Hana in the process? I feel like I'll be frozen once I meet this awesome couple in person. Oh, how I admire these guys.

*Anyways, never forget to spread the beautiful Myungjong love.

#myungjong.'til.infinity