Reality Show Gone Wrong - athlete
The Casting Director Review Shop (Busy/Closed/Hiatus)Reality Show Gone Wrong by althlete
Story Title – 5 out of 5
The title is perfect for your story and is quite literal in giving us the plot. I would make no changes to it, as I found it to be eye catching as well.
Description/Foreword – 4 out of 5
I love your description; it is very eye catching and suits the story. But as I mention later in the review, it left me with too much expectations for the psychological/ horror part. Same goes for the foreword. Or maybe it’s due to the fact that it’s only six chapters, but nonetheless do add a comedy tag somewhere.
Story Layout – 5 out of 5
I guess from the poster I should have been expecting comedy. In that way it suits your story while at the same time, showing that it’ll be a horror. The background matches too. There’s nothing wrong with the font, although I’m curious as to why you bolded the dialogue. Since bolding it is meant for emphasis,
Grammar/Spelling/Writing Style – 12 out of 20
Chapter One:
Original: Im just kidding.
Corrected: I’m just kidding.
Original: There. You know a bit about myself so lets get started, shall we? Remember, if you want to know who I am, the answers are just right there.
Corrected: There. You know a bit about me so let’s get started, shall we?
For ellipsis you must always have three periods.
Original: "Aish, people these days.. Goes off killing innocent people just because they don't have anything better to do."
Corrected: "Aish, people these days… They go off killing innocent people just because they don't have anything better to do."
This particular sentence was strangely structured, that, and there was a simple typo. Unfortunately I don’t understand syntax’s well so I can’t explain it. Hopefully my example helps, though. Also take note: I removed “new” because readers are able to infer it happened recently with “occurred just a few hours ago”.
Original: All heads turned to the driver who still has his thoughts about the new murder that has occured just a few hours ago.
Revised: All heads turned to the driver whose thoughts were still preoccupied with the event that had occurred just a few hours ago.
(To be honest, I wasn’t too sure about this one, so I changed murder to event).
Using “who’s” here is present tense, to be consistent, I changed it to “who had been” to be in past tense. I realized you had a lot of inconsistencies with tenses in your sentences, thus suggesting you double-check and if you’re stumped, feel free to ask for help.
Original: He went closer to Xiumin who's looking at him with no emotion and touched his cheek.
Corrected: He went closer to Xiumin who had been looking at him with no emotion and touched his cheek.
Original: Everyone nodded in agreement as they talk about the movie and how Theodore was just adorable.
Corrected: Everyone nodded in agreement as they talked about the movie and how Theodore was just adorable.
Original: He held Baekhyun's shoulders and made the petite boy faced him.
Corrected: He held Baekhyun's shoulders and made the petite boy face him.
Original: The wide eyed boy turned around, looking around for the one who hit him and was met with Kai who's smiling awkwardly at him, mouthing a quiet 'Sorry' with a cute peace sign.
Corrected: The wide eyed boy turned around, looking around for the one who hit him and was met with Kai who smiled awkwardly at him, mouthing a quiet 'Sorry' with a cute peace sign.
Chapter Two:
Here, there’s nothing wrong with “O-m-g” if it was being used literally as dialogue, if it wasn’t, don’t abbreviate. And just a note: it’s best if you don’t use it in description. (Unless it’s first POV and the narrator speaks as such). No
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