It's Game On, Darling - moelolz
The Casting Director Review Shop (Busy/Closed/Hiatus)It's Game On, Darling by moelolz
Story Title – 5 out of 5
I like the title. It reminds of a title you’d see from a Korean drama and it matches too.
Description/Foreword – 2 out of 5
Your description wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great either. It’s very simple and quite common amongst the many fanfics out there; (i.e. she’s popular and smart. He’s cool and collected.) And while it does relate to the story, I feel it could be more original and eye-catching. As for your second description, I suggest switching the order and having that shown first as it gives the reader a better sense of the plot.
Story Layout – 5 out of 5
Nice, readable font and organized layout.
Grammar/Spelling/Writing Style – 16 out of 20
There were a lot of mistakes with tenses and sometimes plurals, also found a couple of spelling errors. Besides that everything was okay.
Chapter one:
Original: If anyone were to see this now, they will surely nod their head and sigh to themselves
Corrected: If anyone were to see this now, they would surely nod their head and sigh to themselves
Original: behind the elegant and graceful air of the school was a bunch of students, crazy to the point of worshipping the clubs provided within the school.
Corrected: behind the elegant and graceful air of the school are a bunch of students, crazy to the point of worshipping the clubs provided within the school.
Original: Without waiting for Mihwa to finish saying her accusations, the class picked up their rowdy chatters again, though this time, a nervous air hung above their heads.
Revised: Without waiting for Mihwa to finish saying her accusations, the class picked up their rowdy conversations again, though this time, a nervous air hung above their heads.
The word choice I found to be a bit awkward here. I’m not sure if it’s just me or if it’s because it’s truly incorrect but ‘conversations’ flows better.
Original: She was the type of girl with smooth skin and watery eyes; long, slim legs and a thin waist that makes you want to squeeze it.
Corrected: She was the type of girl with smooth skin and watery eyes. She had long, slim legs and a thin wai
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